


Of Lords and Servants

by LocalSarcasm



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston -Fandom
Genre: Adultery, Angst, Arguing, Babies, Character Death, Coitus Interruptus, Drama, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Drama, Lords, Love Triangles, Maids, Marriage, Minor Violence, Romance, Turn of the Century, Victorian Age, Weddings, alternative universe, au!tom, daddy!Tom, labor & birthing, loving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-14 23:10:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 134,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LocalSarcasm/pseuds/LocalSarcasm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternative universe set in the late 19th century, where Tom Hiddleston is the new Lord on Kensington Lisle. A deteriorating marriage forces Thomas to relocate his family to Oxfordshire in order to save his marriage. But what happens when a maid catches his fancy in an accident relating to his daughter?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies if you might find any grammar mistakes or if the change in POV is unclear (pov changes after the cut).

It seemed as though the household was like a madhouse from the first minute of daylight. The kitchen staff clanged their pots and pans as they began with their daily chores, getting ready for the main event today. The butler, Mr. Harrison, instructed his footmen to organize and check that no piece of furniture or ornament was out of place. Mrs. Bell, the head housemaid, was preparing to make sure that everyone under her care would be in tip top shape and ready to make a good, clean impression for when the new masters of the house arrived later in the afternoon. You’d think that with all the preparations done over the course of two weeks, the staff would have made this a more smooth transition, but still; the hustle and bustle seemed to run its course in full blown orchestra, even in this early morn in June.

“Come on girls, get a move on!” Mrs. Bell yelled at us as we got out of our beds. Anna and I stared at each other with suppressed laughter, trying hard not to laugh in front of Mrs. Bell as she hurried us from our beds into our uniforms. The woman was absolutely bonkers, completely in a state of panic as she tried to organize everything and everyone till perfection.

We scurried to our own wardrobes in our shared bedroom, fixing our hairs and buttoning up our maids’ attire that we had gone the extra mile to clean and polish for today. I straightened my cap and fixed my apron, looking one bit as the proper housemaid of an upper class household should.

“I reckon she needs to calm down before her heart bursts out of her chest.” Anna joked with a sly grin, carefully looking over her shoulder to check and see that the misses wasn’t still around to hear her speak ill.

“Poor Mrs. Bell. You shouldn’t tease. She’s ever the perfectionist and she just wants to make a good impression once the master arrives. You can’t fault her for that.” I replied sympathetically. “We mustn’t let her down or the good Lord might smite us for misbehaving.”

“Is that as in the good Lord or ‘good lord’?” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, as if she was up to her no good tricks. For all she was worth, I loved Anna dearly, like a sister even, but that girl will get herself in trouble with that dirty mind and big mouth of hers.

“Anna! You shouldn’t say such things. It isn’t proper.” I was completely aghast at her suggestive implication. “Lord Hiddleston is a proper gentleman from what I’ve heard. A good, honest family-man.”

“Well I heard he was utterly handsome, a real catch. Well… at least his wife must have thought so. Lucky girl.”

I laughed at her silly daydreaming. That Anna… always falling for the ones that were out of reach and never available for the likes of us. But I don’t blame her, poor lamb. I have lost count myself how many times I’ve looked at the stars and hoped for a better future than what was laid out for me as a simple housemaid. I’ve hoped and prayed that I wouldn’t be locked in my chains forever, serving others until I withered away to dust, easily forgotten and replaced.

“GIRLS!” Mrs. Bell screamed again in her high pitched voice that would make even the bravest of men cower away. She stomped her feet loudly as she paced back and forth on the long corridor, which led into all the servants’ quarters.

We hurried our steps and ran to the narrow corridor, standing neatly in a row next to the other maids, waiting dutifully for our Mrs. Bell to do her inspection on our appearance, before giving us our assignments. By the looks of things, the rest of the girls seemed to be as eager as ever to meet the new family that would be residing in the manor from this day forward.

“Now, as you all know, today Lord and Lady Hiddleston, along with their two children and personnel, will be arriving in a matter of hours. All of you will continue working in your previously determined positions whilst under our previous master Lord Jenkins’ household, god rest his soul. You will upkeep the honor of this house and you will be respectful to the new masters. You will not speak unless spoken to, nor will you act un-accordingly to your position in this house. Am I understood?”

The whole line of us nodded in agreement, silently replying to the strict request of our head-maid. None of this was new of course. We had all been taught the dos and don’ts of our positions, and we managed to live our lives accordingly to the regulations of the house without any controversy.

“Now, as it so happens, the new lord and lady are moving in with their two young girls. Since our previous master never had children of his own, we have had to make a few adjustments to the house and to some of the practices.” Mrs. Bell, with a faint look of morbid distain, sighed heavily at the implications of youngsters running around and creating excess havoc among the servants. “There will be a governess arriving with them that will tend to their tutoring. But alas, there will not be a nanny to accompany them, which means that if the lord and lady expressly wish so, you will be asked to look for the children.”

For me at least, I think that a couple of rays of sunshine is just what this household needs. Too long had we all lived in perpetual darkness. The long ailing Lord Jenkins was ever so depressed the last few years of his long life. It was such a sad period to witness for us all. I hope that at least with this new family, we would be able to bring back the joy and livelihood that Kingston Lisle once had.

 

* * *

 

“Are you ever going to talk to me?” her voice drifted into my ear gently. The question laced with a layer of frustration sounded so pitiful, but her desperate voice was like white noise in my ears. I replied with silent disdain, for I cared not to answer her. The origin of my discomfort huffed in frustration as I kept looking out of the window of our carriage, not caring to look at the woman who had betrayed my trust in such a heinous way. She shifted in her seat as I ignored her, desperately trying to avoid any contact with her, for I knew that my patience with her was swiftly dwindling. “Thomas, answer me, say something!”

“THIS IS NOT THE TIME AND PLACE, CAROLINE!” I shouted, frustrated with her incessant nagging along our trip from London. Lilly, our oldest child and my treasure, shivered as she sat on my lap, surprised and scared of my sudden outburst as I yelled at her mother. Ivy glanced over after she woke up from her nap, wondering what had happened to cause such a sudden ruckus. “I am sorry, my darlings. I didn’t mean to scare you. Daddy’s just tired, is all.” I kissed both of my flowers on the top of their heads, hugging them close as I apologized. “Caroline, we will talk privately once we’ve settled into our new home.”

Caroline sighed audibly in defeat, but didn’t press any further. Her eyes were darkened with sadness, tears threating to pour from her eyes, but I didn’t care. She was the reason for our current situation. She was the one who would risk the happiness of our family. My only option for the success and continuation of our family, was to move us away from that infernal, sinful city. No longer would I have to worry where and with whom my wife would spend her time with.  No more gossiping with the rest of the snobby London aristocracy, no more socializing with the upper class scoundrels and card sharks. What we needed the most as a family, was to distance ourselves from the cancer and the perverse corruption that was spreading through the capitol. After my wife collapsed onto the clutches of the evil and seduction of the city, I realized I must take her and my two loves as far away as possible, for the sake of our marriage and younglings. Such an environment is not a suitable place to raise children or maintain a fractured marriage.

I watched with amazement as the hills rolled along the road, the big trees framing the countryside beautifully as if from a fairytale. This is exactly what we needed. Peace and serenity. Good old countryside values.

“Look daddy! Horses!” Lilly shouted as we passed a group of horses grazing along the road. Her cheery enthusiasm was heartwarming, a sure sign she would grow up nicely here. “Will we get to ride them?”

“Ehehe. I think you’re a bit too small for such a big animal, my love, but I’m sure we can find you a nice pony to start off with.”

Lilly nodded in compliance, something that was very rare for her nature. The little tyke could be a right menace if she wanted to, which was something that I and her mother had now grown accustomed to.

“I’m sure you and your little sister will find loads of fun and activities here.” I whispered into her ear as she kept staring out in awe. “Now look there,” I pointed out to her, “that will be our new home.”

Both Lilly and Ivy gasped in awe as we neared the manor. The opened gateway revealed a perfect view of the house as it stood three stories tall. The lawn was immaculate, adorned with finely sculpted bushes that seemed to entertain the children due to their odd, windswept shape.

“Daddy, are we living in a palace?” Ivy asked with her round, dark blue eyes that were as big as saucers, watching happily what must have seemed to her like a life-size doll house.

“No, we are not living in a palace. It is a manor. Kingston Lisle to be exact.”

As we neared the end of the driveway, the senior servants along with their underlings, came out in formation to greet us, all looking exceptionally polished and up to the strictest of standards.

“Good day Lord Hiddleston. If I may introduce myself, I am Mr. Albert Harrsion, the butler.” A big, sturdy fellow with silver hair opened the carriage door and greeted us. “I pray you had a pleasant trip from London?”

“The trip was most excellent, thank you.” I replied with a smile. I turned back to the carriage and lifted our young daughters down from the high step. “Mr. Harrison, please meet my wife, Lady Caroline.”

“How do you do, milady.”

“Very well, thank you. I see that you’ve brought your staff along with you?” she glanced over Mr. Harrison’s shoulder, analyzing the servants that she’ll surely get used to in a very short period of time. Although, I’m sure any upper class lady that manages to rise in her rank, surely must take pride of the new, greater number of servants she holds. Hopefully with this new transition to a quieter lifestyle in the countryside, her demands on these new, young looking servants won’t be too much to handle.

“Yes, of course. Milord and lady, let me introduce you to our housekeeper Isabella Allen and our head housemaid Mrs. Desdemona Bell.” the man introduced us to the older ladies. The ladies greeted us with enthusiasm, explaining how they had turned the household upside down to make sure that no spot was left unchecked and uncleansed. Mrs. Bell shortly introduced us to her maids. I complemented her on her excellent standards, since reviewing the girls one by one, by the request of Mrs. Bell of course, they all seemed to be well dressed and perfectly poised, a top-notch crew if I ever saw one. Mr. Harrison in turn showed us his supply of dashing young footmen, ready to serve when required.

“My good sirs and ladies, I thank you all for taking the time to greet us and welcome us to the house. I am sure we will all manage to co-inside quite nicely from here on. Now, Mr. Harrison, I thank you for the gracious welcome and the introductions,” I paused, lifting up little Ivy who started tugging on my jacket, which usually meant that I should get a move on, “ehheheh, but it seems as though my girls are getting rather impatient. I suppose we could take a tour of the house and grounds, while your more than excellent staff, returns to their busy activities.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pov changes after the cut.

“I told you he was a handsome devil, that lord Hiddleston.” Anna said as we finished stacking his books in his personal library. For such a young gentleman, he sure does love to read. Numerous books ranging from the arts to religion to philosophy littered the room from wall to wall. Books upon books filled the high shelves like colorful columns. It must be the grandest personal library I have ever seen.

“Yes, I suppose so.” I agreed as I placed the last book trunk into the storage cupboard. Glancing back once more to check that everything was in order, I and Anna exited the library and headed down to the maids’ quarters to report in. “Although, he is much taller than I would have imagined he’d be.”

“Without exceptions, everyone is taller than you, dearie.” she teased. True, I wasn’t all that tall. But what I lacked in height, I surely compensated with agility, which helped me to perform my duties just as well as everyone else.

“Ah girls, you’re here. Good.” Mrs. Bell bumped into us in the servants’ corridor, again looking like she was under immense stress. “One of you needs to go down to the shops in town. Cook has managed to spoil some of the ingredients for tonight’s supper and we are out of vital items.”

I glanced over at Anna and saw a look on her face that was most upsetting.

“But miss, I promised I would help Louise with her linen in exchange for some ribbon for my head band. I can’t go.” Anna pleaded in a whining manner, making Mrs. Bell cringe.

“I’ll go.” I interjected. “I’ve finished my chores for the afternoon. I have time to spend.” Mrs. Bell thanked me and handed me the shopping list filled with all the necessary items. With a quick change of clothing more suitable to enter town, I headed off with basket in tow.

 

* * *

 

“Now, be careful. Go slow.” That little rascal, going about and learning how to ride her new bicycle. Such a happy little creature. T’was really an excellent idea of the governess to suggest taking Lilly out for a few minutes. This allowed Caroline to organize her wardrobe in peace whilst Ivy played with her toys. “Lilly! I said be careful! WATCH OUT-“

“I’ve got you!”

An angel of mercy, by the grace of god appeared, saving my child from possible injury. The small lady laid on the ground on her back, holding Lilly tightly in her arms in a vice like grip. “Oh my goodness gracious. Are you both alright?”

Lilly giggled entertained as she laid on top of her savior. The lady too laughed, which surely must have meant that she had remained unhurt as well. “I think we both have remained unscathed, thank you. It’s a good thing you were to land on your right side, little lady.” the woman said cheerily, “otherwise I may have not caught you, before hitting the ground.”

“Here, let me help you up.” I offered, lifting Lilly away in one arm and placing her on her feet before kneeling down to help the young lady. “Are you injured? Are you well?”

The lady brushed her dusty skirt and coat from all the gravel that had caught on the fabric. “Yes, I believe so.” she fixed her hat, making sure she would be presentable even in this circumstance. “I hope that that wasn’t too much of a scare fo-“ she stopped in the middle of her sentence, as if she’d seen a ghost. Her eyes stilled into large orbs, completely stunned as she looked up into my eyes.

“Miss?” I asked, curious about her sudden silence. “Are you sure you’re alright.”

The lady straightened her back and lowered her gaze as she returned from her catatonic state, holding her hands neatly together in front of her. “Yes sir, I am fine.”

There was something a bit familiar about this young lady. As if I had seen her face before. “Good, that’s good. Um… pardon me for asking, but have we met before?”

The lady fidgeted in front of me, as if she was nervous to answer my question. “Not officially, sir. I work for your household as one of the maids. I was among the servants you inspected this afternoon.” she replied, still gazing down as the dutiful maid.

“Yes, of course. Now I remember. One of Mrs. Bell’s girls.”

“Yes sir.” she confirmed

“Tell me miss, what is your name?” I asked her, curious to know the name of my child’s rescuer.

“Davies, sir.”

“And your Christian name, miss Davies?”

“Elizabeth, sir. Lizzie for short.”

I kneeled down on the ground in front of her, hoping to once again see her beautiful face with dark her large dark eyes. “Thank you, Lizzie, for keeping my child from harm. If there is anything you need or something I can assist you with, please don’t hesitate to ask. I am in your debt.”

Lizzie looked back up into my face, seemingly surprised by what she had heard. “Not at all, good sir. It was my duty to help your child. It is unnecessary to-”

“But I wish to repay you, good lady.” I interjected her refusal. “Anything you might need or want, please feel free to ask.”

The lady smiled a thankful, silent smile, not bothering to argue against my offer. I picked up her basket that had fallen to the ground during the altercation. As I handed it over to her, I couldn’t help but admire her small, delicate hands. So petite and beautiful, something which was so uncharacteristic of usual house maids.

Lizzie smiled and thanked as she reached for the basket. Wishing me a good day, she excused herself in order to continue her assignment. I of course agreed and apologized for keeping her from finishing her shopping, wishing her a good afternoon and hoping to see her again in much safer circumstances.

Lilly and I watched silently as she hurried away into town in hopes of finding what she needed.

“Daddy, I like her.” Lilly said as I lifted her up in my arms, checking to see that her face was not bruised or damaged in the altercation.

“So do I, my love. So do I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave any comments or criticisms, so I'll know whether or not to continue this story.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pov changes after each cut.

”Well hello, my lovelies. You’re just in time for tea and cakes.” Caroline greeted us as we entered the bright sitting room. The large windows let the sun shine into the room, making the soft peach shade of the walls pop out in a delightful color. My wife sat comfortably on the plush sofa located near the grand white fireplace, completely hogging the two extra seats as her feet were propped up. She laid reading with one of her new romance novels in hand, twirling a locket of curls that had fallen from her up-do. Lilly ran to her mother enthusiastically and climbed on top to sit next to her, who cheerily welcomed us back home. “Did you have a nice outing?”

I nodded, walking to the armchair next to her. I sat down, eyeing the newspaper that lay on the coffee table in front of the chair. Interested in the current topics, and as an excuse to make as little conversation as possible, I lifted up the paper and unraveled the thin pages. “It was certainly adventurous.” I replied, not really caring to divulge further on the little accident we encountered with the maid.

“How so?” Caroline asked, continuing with her reading as our daughter played at her feet.

“I fell off my bicycle.” Lilly answered nonchalantly as she played with her mother’s flowy skirt.

“What?!” Caroline shouted in surprise, immediately letting go of her book as she checked to see that her little girl was alright. She turned her back around to face me, trying to catch my attention. “Thomas! You should have looked after her!”

I rolled my eyes at her sudden outburst, hiding my face behind the open newspaper so she couldn’t see my reaction. “She’s fine, Caroline.” I assured her. “I think she found it more entertaining than scary.”

“What happened?”

“Miss Lizzie saved me.” Lilly peeped, transfixed on the book that her mother had dropped on her lap. She glanced over the pages of the thin novel, not understanding what the words were due to her young age, but still seemingly interested.

Caroline turned back to me after listening to what Lilly had to say, questioning who this ‘miss Lizzie’ was.

“One of the maids. She was sent out to do some shopping, before we accidentally bumped into her. She managed to catch Lilly before she fell.” I told her, explaining in short detail what had transpired.

“Well, what good luck for Lilly, I suppose.” Caroline said, subtly still looking at me for more details, which I of course, didn’t feel like divulging.

“Indeed.” I replied simply. Even though the accident had been a moment of potential horror and pain, in a certain way, it had also lifted my spirits on a day of immense stress due to traveling. The young lady had shown kindness to my child and myself, even while not knowing I was her employer. For that brief moment, I had forgotten all about this messy business with my wife and the new estate, for which I still had to have distracting meetings about.

Our idle, dry chat was soon interrupted as one of the maids appeared through the doorway, carrying our afternoon tea with an array of delightful cakes and scones. I folded my afternoon reading and returned it to the table in exchange for my teacup.

“Lilly, why don’t you go upstairs and play with your sister. Let mummy and daddy talk for a bit.” Caroline said as she poured her tea expertly. I watched as Lilly jumped down from the sofa, her curls bouncing up and down as she hopped away, totally carefree and oblivious to what was going to happen in the room. We excused the maid that served our tea, thanking her for her excellent service.

I slowly began sipping my afternoon tea and waited for her to begin. She lowered her gaze to her cup, swirling the small spoon in a figure eight motion, waiting for the opportune moment to start. You could see the wheels of her mind turning, thinking the best angle on how to start what was surely going to expand into a heated argument. She is teasing me, I just know it. This is what her calculating mind has always done. She waits and waits, until it’s the perfect time to strike. But I will not be intimidated. Not by her. Not anymore.

“Do you still love me Thomas?” she asked with straightforward, simple words, still looking down at her cup. She was transfixed on the spoon, her eyes completely still as she waited for my response.

I took another sip of my tea, making her wait as I thought of my response longer than what was necessary. I placed my cup on the small plate in my other hand and returned them to the small table in front of me. Caroline finally glanced over to me as I scooted silently closer to the table, so I could safely place the plate and cup. Her eyes threatened to pour down tears as she waited for my answer.

“You hurt me and betrayed my trust, Caroline.” I answered vaguely. I scooted back onto the armchair, looking straight at her pitiful face. I worried my bottom lip with my finger for a silent moment, making her wait for more. “But I never stopped loving you. You are the one that I married, the one who mothered the two most prized possessions in my life. I will forever be attached to you.”

Caroline sighed happily, probably thinking that all would be well. Her eyes had finally started tearing up with the small watery ovals, which by now, ran down her cheeks, making her sniff loudly to hold them back. She sat closer to the edge of her seat and placed her hand on top of mine, seeking for any sign of affection from me. But I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.

“That doesn’t mean that I have forgiven you.” I added, the harsh words making her cringe in response. I pulled my hand from under hers, which should have indicated to her that I cared not for her touch.

“You can’t keep punishing me forever, my love. I know that I hurt you and I am so, so sorry for what I did.” she begged and pleaded. Her words sounded more like the ramblings of a hopeful fool rather than an apology from a remorseful wife, despite her words for forgiveness.

I cringed at her pitiful words, my blood boiling from frustration to the point where I was afraid I might lash out against this sorry excuse for a woman. “I do not think you are in a position to say who should be punished and for how long.” I snarled in contempt, striking her with my harsh words like a master would strike his dog with a newspaper.

“What can I do to make you forgive me? I promise to you that I will be a better wife.” she begged, placing her tea down due to her shaking hands. She took a hold of her skirt with both hands, grasping the material to steady herself from the heartbreak and remorse she must have felt. “I will be loyal and caring, just as I once was.” she promised.

“Your loyalty has no merit with me anymore. That time has passed.” I said, which turned her silent.

Caroline lowered her gaze onto her hands that now lay in her lap in a loose clasp. Her teardrops fell from her eyes onto her palms, silently sobbing at the harsh reality of her actions.

I sighed heavily as I watched her break down into dozens of shattered pieces. I knew that this was all her fault and that I shouldn’t feel one bit guilty of the words I had spoken to her, but the memories of our happier days haunted me, begging me to forgive and forget her horrible mistake. “Just…” I tried to continue, drawing in a deep breath to calm my nerves. “Just give me time.” Caroline nodded, agreeing to my request. “Everything will all be alright.”

 

* * *

 

“Mrs. Bell?” I called out as I entered the servants’ common room after my shopping. I was horrendously late from my trip, due to the unexpected accident with the new master and his little girl. The misadventure had left me a little frazzled, to say the least. The shock of meeting the lord, while not wearing my uniform, was most troubling, not to mention that I had nearly managed to collide with the young miss, possibly even damaging the poor young thing.

“Elizabeth?! Where have you been?” ah, dear old Mrs. Bell, ever the worrier. With a brisk walk, she came closer with a mean look about her, snatching the basket I had managed to fill, per her request.

“I’m sorry miss.” I apologized, deciding not to trouble her with what had happened earlier with the master. I suspect she would take great grievance if she heard of my mishap, probably even blaming me of the event.

“And why in heaven’s name are you filthy? Just look at the back of your skirt, messy girl.”

I looked back at the spot that Mrs. Bell pointed out, wincing at the fact that I had just done business in town with an unkempt skirt. What must the rest of the people I met there today think of me?  I could feel the heat rising onto my cheeks from the embarrassment as the misses scolded me for my tardiness and disarrayed state.

“I had a bit of a tumble as I entered town.” I explained, hoping to be spared from any excessive chastisement she might think of. “I apologize for my tardiness, miss. It won’t happen again.”

Mrs. Bell rolled her eyes, sighing at the apology. “Fine, fine. Just go and get cleaned up. You are to set the table for dinner and help with the serving. That will be your penalty for your tardiness.”

I responded in agreement, thanking both God and Mrs. Bell silently, that I got off easy with my punishment. I got to and changed, readying myself so I could join with the setting of tableware and dishes for the masters’ dinner.

With my face and attire looking clean and appropriate, I joined the rest of the group with our shared assignment. I entered the grand dining room with my supplies, ready to begin my work that at this point felt more like routine. The long mahogany table screamed elegance as the crystal chandelier sparkled onto the shiny table. The silver candelabras reflected the image of my face as I moved them to set the table.

The ivory table linen was placed and the silverware and china were set immaculately. Surely the new household will find the setting for their first dinner up to par.

“Where were you today?” Louise asked me with a whisper as we stood silently in a neat line, waiting for the family to arrive. She looked over at me, trying to catch my attention, but I knew better than to even budge from my current position. If Mr. Harrison were to find us idly chatting during service, surely he would have our hides.

“I was predisposed. I bumped into the master and his eldest.” I whispered back, trying to stay as still as possible as we all stood next to the opened door between the dining room and the great hall. Louise gave me a look of pure surprise and horror, not expecting what I had just told her.

“You what? Does the misses know?”

“Not in such detail.” I answered simply. “I’ll tell you more later.” I promised just in time, for the lord and lady arrived with their children, accompanied by two other, older gentlemen.

 

* * *

 

“Very kind of you to invite us for dinner, Lord Hiddleston. I must say, the asparagus is most excellent this time of year. Give my complements to your cook.” The elderly mister Pemberly, our family solicitor, complemented. He and his son, an up-and-coming talented young lawyer himself, most graciously agreed to our invitation to join us for dinner, in order to go through the needed paperwork for the transfer of the estate.

“I shall share your enjoyment with Mrs. James. I am sure she will be pleased to hear that her talents have been fully enjoyed.” The old man smiled thanks, continuing with his tasty meal. “Now, about this business with the estate…”

“Ah yes,” he interjected, remembering where he had left off. “I was most surprised that your elder brother chose to give up his right to become the new lord of Kensington Lisle.” the man said with furrowed eyebrows, surely thinking out loud for the reason for such a remarkable and odd pass on such a title. “It is quite unheard of. Pray tell, why would he decline such an offer and pass the title inherited from your uncle?”

Caroline glanced over as I reached to take a sip of my wine, mulling over for a reasonable response one could believe. “I suppose he is more of an urban resident than a country gentleman.” I answered neutrally, hoping to give the curious sir a reasonable answer. “I suspect he prefers the fast pace of the modern city over the quietness of the countryside. He would have been utterly bored here within days, regardless of the title.

“But you sir, seem to fit in the milieu of the country?”

I thought about his question, contemplating and assessing over everything I had experienced over the afternoon. “I very much enjoy it here.” I confirmed in a thoughtful tone. “I hope and pray that my wife will enjoy it as well. I also believe that good, honest country values will be just what my children will need, in order to become proper young ladies.”

“Aye, that is true. I hope you find happiness here with your family, good sir.” he raised his wine glass, toasting our new life. “You have chosen an excellent spot to raise your issue.”

I raised my glass to thank the gentleman for his kind words, feeling relieved that at least someone agreed with my decision to relocate the family.

“Potatoes, sir?”

I looked over and up from my shoulder, seeing the same set of beautiful dark eyes that I had noticed earlier in the afternoon. The lady had gone completely unnoticed by me, her uniform disguising the image of her that I had recalled later whilst thinking of her.

She stared at me with wide, expecting eyes, as if waiting for something. “I beg your pardon?” I asked as I stirred from my dreaming, remembering her asking me a question.

“Would you like some potatoes with your main, sir?” she repeated, referring to the large dish of steaming potatoes in her hands.

I chuckled at my aloofness, thanking her as I picked out the ones most alluring to my taste buds. She smiled kindly, pulling back after I was finished. I stared at her intently as she did her rounds, offering the food to our guests. Lilly smiled enthusiastically, as she as well spotted her new acquaintance, waving at the maid with vigor that would be improper for a dinner atmosphere. Well… her mother would think so at least.

The maid smiled widely at my daughter, her eyes shining brightly at the joy Lilly showed her. Miss Lizzy glanced left and right, looking out for any sign that might get her into trouble. At the same time, Mr. Harrison glanced over at her direction, which made her suck both her lips inside her mouth, trying her hardest to stop smiling while she was under scrutiny.  

For a moment, Lizzie turned her back against the rest of the personnel, as she placed a food dish onto a side table. As she turned, she made a positively silly expression on her face, meant just for Lilly’s entertainment. Lilly giggled unashamed, enjoying the playful nature of the maid.

I laughed discreetly at the same expression she made, not expecting such a lovely face to be capable of a goofy grin like hers. I too, seemed to take much enjoyment of the hidden playtime the two had begun. Lilly continued the play, which fortunately for her, went by unnoticed by the rest of the adults. She tried creating the same grin, which ended up being less successful as her playmate’s. Lilly laughed at her failed attempt, looking ever so adorable.

“Are you alright?” Caroline asked in a hushed tone as she leaned over with a serious look. “I hardly think that Mr. Pemberly’s topic on the importance of bumblebees is all that amusing.”  

“Really?” I faced my plate once again, taking hold of my wineglass as I continued enjoying my excellent dinner. “I find it most amusing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave any comments or criticisms, so I'll know whether or not to continue this story. It would be very helpful and much appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is were the story takes a turn for possibly something more interesting. A bit of a longer chapter this time, hope you don't mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pov changes after each cut.
> 
> OH! And thank you very much for the lovely lovely comments. They really do help keep one's morale up while writing.

“Did you hear all the commotion last night as well?” Louise asked us all as we sat down to eat our early morning breakfast. “I couldn’t fall asleep with all that yelling and shouting going about… You’d think a couple as handsome as the lord and lady, there wouldn’t be much of that.”

It was true. The first week after the new masters had arrived, there was a steady stream of animosity between the two. Lord only knows why… The two seemed to be getting along well by the look of things. Then again, so does everyone else whilst in company. There was so much yelling and screaming between the two. At points, I was worried how this would reflect on the young children and their settling in to the new environment.

“It is none of our business what the lord and lady do when no one is around.” I warned my friend, feeling slightly guilty that we were gossiping on our new, seemingly pleasant masters.

Louise shifted rather uncomfortably at the reprimand, not expecting to be chastised for her gossiping.

“Oh come now, Lizzie.” Anna joined in for her defense. “It is our bread and butter to serve the masters’ whims on hand and foot. Why not enjoy the juicy bits as well?” she laughed most mischievously, which raised my concern for her.

“Very well, do as you please. But be careful. It is not safe to gossip on people of high rank, not to mention one’s own employer. One could find themselves in trouble for their indiscretion.” I answered, ending the tiresome conversation as I left to begin with my chores.

While it certainly did appear that there was something not quite right between the lord and lady of the house, it didn’t thankfully reflect on the staff either. Lord Hiddleston, despite having more of his business meetings in and around Kensington Lisle during the days, still managed to treat us with kindness and respect, something that most privileged people seemed to do less of these days. But weirdly enough, every time I was near the lord, I had a strange and uneasy feeling of being watched. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. It was as if every time I was on my knees scrubbing the floors or tidying up, I could feel him staring at me. But not _just_ staring mind you, but smiling as well. It is the most oddest of sensations, feeling someone stare at you while you work. Usually in the position of a maid, most people completely erase you from their peripheral vision, as if one were completely invisible, which is probably why I feel rather strange every time in the master’s company. Just imagine turning around for a second, only to find someone smiling at you, not saying a word.

Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with the lord or his smile, mind you. In fact, it is a very kind and beautiful smile that the master has. One should be so lucky to even be blessed with receiving such a thing of beauty.

“Hello miss Lizzie.” the lovely young child I had started to grow fond of, greeted me. Lilly trotted over to me as I hunched over the hardwood floor, kneeling as I picked up all the scattered toys she and her little sister had managed to spread around their nursery. I straightened my back as she faced me, meeting her at the same eyelevel, as she stood in front of me with a wide smile.

“Well hello miss. How are you this morning?”

“I am well.” she answered, swaying back and forth as she twirled her hair with a finger. “Will you play with me?”

“Oh my sweet child,” I laughed, rubbing her arms gently as I declined her request, “I can’t. I must do my chores. I am not allowed to play with you.”

Lilly visibly lost her happy demeanor at my rejection. She looked down at the ground with a sour face, clearly displeased that she wouldn’t have someone to play with.

Feeling slightly amused at her reaction, I looked around the room to make sure no one else was in the vicinity. Seeing and hearing no one, I lifted her face to look at me. “Look, I’ve got you something.” I whispered to her. Her eager eyes followed my every movement as I reached into one of the secret pockets inside the apron of my uniform. I picked up the small special item I had stored there just for an occasion like this.

“What is it?” she asked, clearly never have seen the likes of the old, tiny toy I had in my hand. I’m sure she just wasn’t used to seeing toys that weren’t as new and modern as hers were. The child truly was blessed with toys and playthings that one would think rivaled those of the royal family’s.

“Don’t be fooled by its small stature, little one” I smiled. “This is a spinning top, something that brought me endless amount of intrigue at your age. It is dear to me, for it was given to me by my mother, before I was sent here as a child.” I held the small wooden thingamabob by its long neck, showing off the intricate decorations of pink roses that went around the middle.

Lilly stared at me with a look of disbelief, not understanding my fascination of the tiny item. “What does it do?”

I grinned at her silently, pulling her closer as I placed the toy on the ground and spun it. She watched enchanted by the apparatus that kept spinning around and around by itself. The child giggled, amused and wondered by the mystic force behind the small piece of wood. She kneeled down and laid on the floor on her chest and watched it go.

“Does it ever stop spinning?” she asked, holding her palms around the toy as it spun, tempted to grab it while it moved around, but still wanting to see how long it would keep going until it stopped.

“I suppose it will have to, at some point. It can’t keep going on forever.”

Lilly looked at me with her bright happy eyes as I answered her. With a loud laugh, she quickly clapped her hands together, trapping the top in-between her hands.

I looked over my shoulder to see if we were indeed still alone, hoping that this moment of play would remain a secret between me and the lovely child despite the slightly opened mahogany door leading into the room.

“I better continue with my chores, little one.” I said with a smile, rising up from the hard floor underneath my knees. “Now, keep this as a secret between you and I, alright?” I asked as I held her hands that still cradled the toy. Lilly nodded with a sly grin. “Keep this safe. Now, run along to your other activities.” I rushed her, watching her as she left the room with newfound spirit.

 

* * *

 

“Congratulations sir, you are now legally the sole owner and master of Kensington Lisle and all its holdings, along with the title of Lord. I wish you to have a pleasant future here.” Mr. Pemberly congratulated with a toast of brandy as we finished with the last of the paperwork. The excessive hours had been ludicrously exhausting on my tired head, but now, it is all done with, thank god. “I thank you most graciously my friend.” I thanked him with a salute.

Mr. Pemberly soon left me to my own company, which finally allowed me to reflect the new life I would be living here. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I’d find myself as a lord in 1,639.7 square meter manor of my own to call home.

I walked along one of the upstairs corridors as I reflected the new turn in my life. With my hands in my pockets, I looked up and down the high walls that were as in pristine condition as if it were built only yesterday. I suppose with the lack of children in the previous household, there wouldn’t be many markings left by children to begin with. I suppose Lilly and Ivy will manage to resolve that issue quite soon, I’m sure.

I continued my strolling down the stairs, stopping at the middle floor once I heard something coming out from the children’s room. Curious to see what or who was playing, I walked with quiet steps, trying not to disturb the participants of whatever fun they were having. Stopping right behind the door to the children’s playroom, I listened in through the slightly jarred door, where I heard the distinct sound of Lilly giggling, which echoed in the empty room upstairs. Curious to find out the reason for the joviality, I peeked in in secret, only to be met with Lilly lying on the floor, watching something with intrigue. 

I was surprised to see miss Lizzie kneeling there as well. Although, the way the two had been playing subtle games while no one was looking, it shouldn’t have been such a surprise to see her here as well. From the moment the two first met, it was obvious that it wouldn’t be such a surprise or even far-fetched that the two would eventually bond.

I smiled as I watched the maid laugh widely, completely devoted to my little girl as if she were her own. The young woman was as beautiful as the sun on this summer’s day, bringing joy to the child that so craved her attention. Her poise and elegance shined despite her uniform and low rank, razing all issues of social class, for she was joy itself; something that must be enjoyed without prejudice.

Oh how I wished I could join them in their play. To just let go of the burden of being an adult and so serious, and to just enjoy the simple pleasures.

I leaned my hand along the doorframe, trying to get a better angle so I could see more of the secret moment. But alas, my clumsiness got the better of me. The door creaked most noisily, slightly alarming the maid. If it weren’t for my fast reflexes, surely both miss Lizzie as well as my daughter might have found my presence. I sighed, leaning back away from the door, continuing my way downstairs to the sitting room to read my afternoon paper, trying hard to continue with the burden of adulthood and leave the fun of playing to the children.

Lilly soon arrived herself to the stairs, walking merrily as I stood on the first floor lobby, ready to enter the sitting room. “Hello my darling. Want to come and read the paper with daddy?” I asked Lilly as she hopped down the last of the steps. She nodded and jumped into my lap, making me carry her to the sitting room.

As we entered, the sight of a crying little Ivy echoed in the room. Her mother was in a state of shambles as she rocked the child in her arms, her face the sight of pure frustration.

“The children are pushing me to madness, Thomas.” she sighed desperately, shushing the toddler to quiet down. “They are constantly running around, screaming and yelling. I cannot have such distractions all the time or I will go insane.”

“They are just bored, Caroline.” I commented, sitting down next to her and swapping the children around. “With no friends here, they seek someone to be around with. You can’t blame them for trying to find someone to play with.”

I held Ivy by her underarms as she stood on my lap, her crying face facing my chest. With playful and exaggerated expressions, I managed to gain her attention, quickly calming her tantrum away. Caroline watched tiredly at the now laughing toddler, lying back on the couch as she rested her weary form.

“We need to find someone to take care of them, Thomas. I cannot keep listening to all this racket, day in and day out.” she whined exhausted.

“I will look into it.”

*

*

*

The view of the flower garden from the sitting room was most astounding as I leaned next to one of the massive windows in the room. The numerous flowers in the garden blossomed in full color, creating a wide array of pleasant harmonies that even the painters of old would have wished for themselves to paint with. The pond right next to the garden glistened as the sun shined, making it absolutely irresistible.

“Mr. Harrison, tell me. That pond next to the garden, is the water warm?”

Harrison turned to me with my papers in his silver tray, looking out the window at the shimmering water. “Why yes, milord. The sun warms it quite nicely this time of year. Do you wish to go swimming?

“No, no.” I laughed. “But I was thinking of taking the girls out for a dip. Their mother needs some time alone and I thought perhaps swimming would release some of the pent up energy they have been carrying lately.”

“An excellent idea, sir. Shall I call for Mrs. Bell or the governess to pack up the necessary equipment?”

“No, that won’t be necessary.” I answered, returning from the window back to the middle of the room, finishing the rest of my tea that I had been sipping whilst reading my paper. “Actually Mr. Harrison, I was pondering that miss Lizzie could join us and tend to the children’s needs.”

Harrison halted in his step and furrowed his brows, surprised by my suggestion. “Sir? Miss Elizabeth?”

“Yes. The children seem to have taken a liking to her. I’d rather have a maid there that the children are comfortable with. She is more than capable in handling their needs, is she not?”

“Yes sir. Indeed she is.”

“Well, then it is settled. Ask for her to help the children with their bathing suits and equipment, and then we will set off.”

“Of course sir.” he answered, bowing once and leaving to conduct his business.

“Oh, and Mr. Harrison?” I stopped him, making him halt and turn around.

“Yes sir?”

“Ask cook to gather us some snacks for a picnic.”

 

* * *

 

I watched intently as the girls splashed around in the nearby pond on the hot summer day we were so blessed with. Both girls ran along the edge where the grass meets the pond, screaming at the top of their lungs from the fun they had together.

Lord Hiddleston had taken to lying down on his back and elbows, relaxing on top of the many blankets and cushions, watching with a smile as his children played their little games. The lord had asked me to keep him company on the blankets as he dined, something I found to be most unusual and improper.  But since he was my master, I suppose my only choice in the matter was to do as he wished, and hope that I wouldn’t be seen in such an uncalled situation by the senior personnel.

“They seem to be enjoying themselves, don’t you agree miss Lizzie?” he asked still staring at his children, squinting to see past the warm rays of sunshine that shined against his eyes.

“Yes sir.”

The lord turned his head and looked at me with a curious smirk. “Do you ever reply in any other form than ‘yes sir’ or ‘no sir’?”

“No sir.”

He chuckled at my response, “Why not? I am most curious to know the reasoning behind such a limited vocabulary.”

I hesitated, fearing the consequences if it were known that I had wronged Mrs. Bell’s wishes and teachings to give precise answers and replies to my masters. The lord stared expectantly, still waiting to hear my answer. “We are obliged to only reply in simple, concise answers, sir.”

“Why so?”

“That is how it has always been, here in Kensington Lisle.”

The master nodded in thought, not continuing with his questioning. He signaled his children to come back with a wave of his hand, making room for them to sit down and enjoy the content of the wonderfully stuffed picnic basket.

“Won’t you come and swim with us miss Lizzie.” Lilly begged as she ran with her sister to the bedding on the grass. I handed her a generous amount of delicious grapes to munch on, which she ate a handful at once.

I giggled at her chubby cheeks as I helped her sister. “I’m sorry miss, I can’t. But I will come and watch you swim, if you want me to.”

“Miss Lizzie is here to watch over you and to keep me company.” the master said suddenly, surprising me with the unexpected addition to my assignment. I turned to him bug eyed, not knowing how to respond. “I’m sure the two of you will have just as nice of a time, even though she isn’t swimming with you today.”

“Maybe some other day?” she insisted, to which her father agreed.

I watched them both back and forth, as they negotiated about me. Never have I ever witnessed such a bizarre conversation about me, a simple maid. The girls munched on their last pieces of food and quickly got on their feet, dragging me along to the pond to watch them play.

“Well aren’t they a pair.” the master said, walking slowly to stand next to me on the edge of the pond. I turned to him, smiling and nodding my agreement. “They’ve really took to liking you. Especially Lilly.”

“The feeling is mutual, sir.”

The lord nodded and chuckled at the statement. He turned to me as I stood completely still at my post, watching the girls. From the corner of my eye, I could see him hesitating. For what, I did not know. His hands were tucked into his pockets, but I could see his fingers fisting inside.

“I have a proposition for you, miss Elizabeth.”

I turned to the lord after being caught off guard. “Sir?”

“The mistress of the house and I have been conversing about the possibility of hiring a nanny to take care of the children.”

I watched intrigued at the slightly fidgeting man before me. I was completely unaware on how I should respond, for it was neither a proposition nor a question of any sort. I kept quiet as I waited to see how he would continue, trying to find out what all of this had to do with me.

The man swayed back and forth, but still keeping quiet. The silence of the moment was most uncomfortable. “I suppose you and lady Hiddleston are right.” I answered, ending the silence. “The children do need someone to watch over them, I suppose.”

“So you agree?”

“I do, sir.”

“Well then, it is settled.”

I was utterly confused. I couldn’t place his new wide smile and the finality of his words. “Beg your pardon sir?”

“You shall be the new nanny.” he answered, looking immensely proud of himself as he tricked me into agreeing, that there should be a nanny present in the household. With his hands still firmly tucked into his pockets, he called out his girls to return back to the house. With his head held high, accompanied with a very pleased and satisfied grin, he walked away from my frozen state of shock, returning back to the picnic we had enjoyed earlier.

Once I recovered, I picked up my skirt and hurried to join him, picking up the mess we had made. “But sir!” I pleaded, gathering up the cushions and blankets, trying to catch his attention. “I do not have proper training or experience to take on such a position.”

“Nonsense.” he replied, not accepting my refusal. He picked up the rest of the items that I hadn’t managed to pick up yet, which only added to my frazzled state, for this was not something he should be doing as a lord and as the master of the household. “I am sure you are more than capable of taking care of the children. You need only worry of the time outside of their tutoring, for our governess will tend to all necessary teachings that the children will need.”

I was absolutely gob smacked by his proposal and his unwillingness to hear my rejection for such a responsibility. I knew more than well that my master’s wishes should be tended to with the utmost loyalty and respect, but surely such a suggestion was unheard of. “Sir, I implore you. I do not have a proper education, I am not from the proper class nor do I have skills on raising children.”

The lord dropped the items in his hands and turned back to me. If it weren’t for the warm smile on his face, I would have been terrified of what my insubordination would have cost me. The tall man wrapped his hands around my slim arms, something I found very improper for him to do, but comforting as well.

“Miss Elizabeth, you are exactly what my children and I need. Please accept this proposition, for I would be most happy to have you in my children’s lives.”

I looked at him skeptically, very unsure of this decision, for this would definitely gain a reaction not only from the more senior household staff, but the rest as well, not to mention it would certainly change the course of my life in the possible future. _But_ , the lord is also my employer, who I have chosen to serve till the end of my days.

“Sir, I am under your care and have chosen to spend my life serving you and your family. I _am_ most taken with the offer, but I fear you mistake my joy and playfulness for knowledge and expertise. I do feel affection for the young ladies, but I am concerned that I may not be what you truly need.”

The lord grasped my hands. His were so fine and elegant, so gentle to the touch as he held my small, insignificant ones. His smile was loving and friendly, complementing his eyes that seemed to beg for my acceptance.

“Miss Elizabeth, you are truly what I need and want most in this present time. But I do not wish for you to be afraid of the responsibility of the position. If you truly desire not to accept, I will respect your wishes.” he answered holding my hands tightly, not letting me move even an inch. His eyes were completely stilled, staring straight into mine, hypnotizing me and making me feel most flustered. “Please, pray tell me your final answer. Will you tend to my children permanently, and make them and I most happy?”

I looked at the two happy children running around the green grass. The offer was most tempting, for I truly had a deep affection for the girls who stole my heart away. In that moment, despite what my mind told me to say, I listened to my heart and agreed. “If it pleases you, sir, I will.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A celebration in Leicester requires Lord Hiddleston's attendance, accompanied by his children and their new nanny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the change in rating!  
> Pov changes after the cut.

Despite her earlier protests of being the new nanny, Elizabeth had actually managed to make an excellent impression on both myself and my wife. She was indeed a very responsible and capable young lady, managing marvelously in creating a sudden and unexpected calmness in the household, now that the girls were happy and content.

Caroline was not at all pleased when I first told her, that the new nanny would be one of the service maids of the household. She would have preferred someone with a bit more experience in the field, but as soon as the children left her to her own, even she had to admit that my decision to hire Elizabeth was a decision of pure excellence and brilliance.

Nearly four weeks had passed since I managed to persuade Elizabeth into taking the position. Surely she must have been terrified the first few days of service, but now, the group of three has fallen into what seems like a splendid daily rhythm and routine. Even the girls seem to be behaving better and staying out of trouble, now that their needs are being met with such loving affection.

“How are you fairing, miss Lizzie?” I asked the young lady sitting across from me. We were currently traveling by carriage to see my uncle for his 60th birthday; a celebration which surely would remain in the family history as one of the most ostentatious and lavish parties ever seen. The girls were most excited to hear that the rest of the children in the family would be attending as well, which prompted Lilly and Ivy to beg excessively for a chance to come with me. Caroline was most pleased to have the manor all to herself for the weekend, allowing her to delve into her own projects and activities.

Lizzie smiled at me as she returned her watchful eyes from the carriage window. “I am well, sir. I am enjoying the moment of silence.” she answered, referencing to the quietness of the carriage. Both girls had had minor tantrums on the way, due to the lack of activities on the trip. Fortunately after the storm had passed, both girls fell fast asleep, letting me and Lizzie relax for a moment. “And you, sir?” said she.

“Tired, but well, thank you.” I replied, laying my head back against the cushioned interior as I watched with hooded eyes at the smiling woman before me.

“Are you looking forward to seeing your uncle?” she asked, keeping the conversation going, much to my delight.

“Oh absolutely. He is the closest man I can call father. He is very dear to me.”

Elizabeth nodded happily as if she sincerely felt happy for me. “Well I am glad you’re looking forward to seeing him again.”

*

*

* 

After arriving to the massive estate in Leicester, we were immediately shown into one of the guest “cabins”, as my uncle liked to call them. In truth, the building could probably house several modest families. We were very grateful to his lordship, never the less, though I suspect the true reason for housing us separately, was because dear uncle Charles didn’t care to hear young children make noise whilst he slept, even if he otherwise adored the playfulness of the young.

 

* * *

 

“Are the girls tucked in?” the master said as he joined me in the small kitchenette of our temporary residence. Removing the hot teapot from the stove that I had just heated, I turned to greet his lordship. The light that flickered from the candelabra on the table reflected against his face as he came from the shadows. 

The master had returned from meeting with his uncle in the main house, leaving me to tend with the children. Fortunately, by the time we had arrived to the estate, it was already dark.

“They are resting comfortably. Like little angels.” I answered to his earlier question.

“Excellent. They must have fallen asleep after such a long, boring travel.”

“Oh yes. Once I fed, bathed and read to them, they both fell asleep in an instant.” I smiled. “I suppose they’ll sleep deep tonight, for tomorrow will surely be a fun filled day for all the children, with all the fun activities planned for them.”

The master agreed with me and chuckled at the thought. I had just set the small dining table for some tea to which I could relax to, before going to bed. The master looked over my shoulder at the table, seemingly expecting me to ask him to stay. Curiously he silently hovered around, silently walking next to the small table to inspect it.  

“May I pour you some tea, sir?” I asked, to which he more than happily accepted.

 “I’d love a cup, thank you. Very kind of you to ask.”

“My pleasure.”

The lord nodded and sat down next to my place on the table, as I reached for a cup for him. I served him the hot tea per his liking, which he was surprised to see that I had remembered his preference.

Stirring the sugar and milk in his cup and tasting it, he looked up at me with curious eyes. “How have you managed with the children so far? Are they treating you well?”

“Yes, they are treating me very well. I’ve enjoyed my time with them very much.”

“Well that is good to hear.” he smiled most charmingly. The warmth of his expression lighted the dark room, making it feel more homely that it actually was, due to its semi abandoned state. “Your help has improved the pace of the household immensely.”

I nodded with a thank you for his lordship, happily accepting his positive critique on my work as the caretaker of his beloved children.

“My children seem to adore you, miss Lizzie. If you don’t mind me asking, have you ever considered marrying and having children of your own?” said he.

I was stunned. Never had I been asked such a question in such a forward way, and by a lord…  I sipped my tea as I pondered my answer while holding the warm cup with both of my palms. The truth was, my life is one of servitude to others, nearly the lowest of the low, with almost no rights or privileges to anything regarding a life of my own. 

“Sir, I am bound to your household. Servants like myself do not marry and have children. Not while they’re young at least.”

“And why is that?” he asked curious.

I looked at the lord confused. Didn’t he know? “We live to serve others. We devote our lives for our work. It is unheard of that women of service should marry, let alone have families of their own while under service. The only way for us to do so, is to resign our position and leave the household, or wait until we are old and have saved enough to start a new life. Surely you must know this, having had servants?”

The lord furrowed his brow in contemplation, mumbling incoherent words. “I’m sorry if I stepped over a boundary, I was merely curious.” he sincerely apologized. “But I must say, I never thought of it from such a point of view. Please forgive my ignorance. It’s just, well… The way you devote to your work and the way you treat others, you would make any man lucky to have you as a wife and mother.”

His expression was completely sincere, for what I could tell. The sweet words rang in my ear, both in a sweet and gratifying way, for his words were kind and loving, but also for their inappropriateness. I remained silent, for I did not know how to respond to such a comment. I suspect that every girl would be happy to hear that they would be a splendid wife and mother, but all I could do in this uncomfortable discussion with my employer, was to sip my tea and nod.

*

*

*

“May I walk you to your room, miss Elizabeth?” he asked so courteously, to which I gladly accepted. Clasping my hands together and holding them neatly in front of my dress, we walked upstairs side by side in comfortable silence. The master held the candelabra in his hand, the flickering light bounced off of the walls and reflected our shadows onto the old paintings as we walked along the creaking corridor, trying our best not to wake the sleeping children. 

As we arrived in front of my bedroom door, I stooped and turned towards the master, wanting to thank him for the walk. “Thank you for walking me up to my room, sir.” The lord smiled a charming grin in return and nodded, placing his hands in his pockets. “Have a good night sir.” I wished him as I turned away and grasped the doorknob, leaving his presence.

“Elizabeth…” I heard him say, to which I turned back around and faced him again. He had such a contemplating, worrying look on his face as I turned. I did not expect his demeanor to change so suddenly. He had pulled his hands from his pockets and rubbed them and his fingers together absentmindedly, as if he seemed distracted about something.

“Sir? Is everything alright?” I asked slightly worried. He raised his eyes from his hands and connected with mine. Like blazing fire they were, those deep blue eyes.

“No, everything certainly is not alright.” he sighed loudly, stuttering slightly as he tried telling the issue that bothered him so. “Elizabeth, never have I been so tempted in my life. I feel as though I am plagued with confusion for which I do not have a remedy for. The strongest of feelings tempt my very soul and heart, but my mind warns me of these heinous sins, begging me to stay afar of these temptations.”

I stared with curious sorrow at the troubling man in front of me. He seemed like such a troubled soul, wishing to be relieved from his dark prison which tortured him. “Sir, what is wrong? Is there anything I can do to help you alleviate this pain?”

“Oh Elizabeth…” he sighed deeply. He laid down the candelabra onto one of the side tables on the corridor and stepped closer to me, towering over my small figure. With his hand free of the candelabra, he gently swiped the loose tendrils out of my face, sliding his fingers ever so gently down my cheek to my jaw. “My sweet, sweet Elizabeth. _You_ are the source of my exquisite pain.”

I looked at my master completely stunned, not understanding how with my actions had I caused pain to this man. “S-sir, I do not understand?”

“Your smile, my dear angel. This confusion has plagued me ever since I first laid eyes upon your sweet smile. It haunts me in my dreams, for I wish to revel in it. My heart yearns to receive the love and affection you so generously give to my children. _You_ are the reason my heart aches so, while my mind tells me to leave you alone.”

I stared at the tormented confessor before me. His hand caressed my jaw so tenderly and with affection, as if I were made from the thinnest of porcelain. Despite the fact that we had grown closer during the short time of my position, his words and actions caught me completely by surprise.

Before I knew it, his hand that caressed my jaw, pulled my face to his and he kissed me. Like a man dying from thirst, he held my head with both palms like I was the sweetest of nectars, the only cure to alleviate his quenching thirst.

In my shocked state, I could only stand there and hold onto him. The way he moved his soft lips with passionate vigor, nearly took my breath away. So sweet and so lovely was his kiss, my legs and knees shook with woozy and weakness and I could only hold on and pray that it never end, for I had yet to be properly kissed like this.

And for just this moment, nothing else mattered. My lungs burned and my heart raced, but he held me so gently, so careful not to brake me. I could feel his face twitch with emotion, agony was etched onto his face as he leaned his forehead against mine and pulled his lips away, breathing heavy pants into my mouth.

“I-I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” he said, pulling back with what seemed like panic creeping up his spine. The loving moment had passed and the realization that this was the real world dawned, reminding us both that there were rules to this game of life.

My master fixed his collar and slightly bowed his head, wishing me a hasty good night as he retreated away in a hurry, leaving me alone in the corridor with the last of the burning light.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pov changes after the cut

The celebration was in full swing on this bright and sunny afternoon. The visiting lords and mistresses of the upper class were entertained all around the extravagant manor, while the children were left outside to play their little games, accompanied by their respective caretakers and nannies. I had gained the fortune of meeting a very lovely older nannie by the name of Margaret. She was as sharp as a tack despite her old age, giving me plenty of advice and tips on how to care for my two “little flowers” as I now called them. “Marmie” as her own brood of children lovingly called her, kept me company on this hectic afternoon, stealing my mind away from the startling development of last night’s encounter with Lord Hiddleston. Actually, I was fairly surprised how well I am feeling this afternoon, considering that I couldn’t sleep one wink after he kissed my breath away. The moment, with all of its inappropriateness and potential scandal, left me wanting more. The taste of his lips lingered on mine as I laid in bed, scolding myself for wanting to feel more of the sinful love he so begged of me. I found myself thinking impure thoughts of him and I, as I laid in bed thinking.

“Marmie, do you think it is possible for the likes of us to find happiness or love?” I turned to the old lady next to me. I desperately needed the wisdom of a wiser and more experienced lady of life. I dreaded even entertaining the idea of possibly falling deeply in love with this gentleman, in fear of collapsing into perpetual sin, for which I would have to pay for with my soul.

“’Tis possible.” said she. “I believe everyone should be _allowed_ to love, even if some do not have the chance to.”

I nodded at her answer. There was a sense of naïve optimism in her words, I thought, as if things really were that black and white.

“Do you have a young gentleman in mind, dearie?” she asked in a teasing manner, as if she were the grandmother and I the young, foolish grandchild.

“I fear that I may be falling in love with a man who cannot properly love me back.”

“My dear, love does not know or care for limits. Only laws by government and by god can limit one’s affection to another.”

“And what if he is married?”

Marmie turned to me with a serious look about her, ending the monitoring of her playing children for just a moment. “Love is a powerful force of nature, my dear, but what you are suggesting is a heinous act on god himself. Tread carefully, for passions of the flesh will bring torment to both your conscience and soul, which will never be healed.”

Marmie’s warning was by all accounts logical and wise, as she clearly was a god fearing woman with a sense of honor and propriety, something I wished I could grow up to achieve.

“So what am I to do?” I asked her desperately. I suspect that what I was really looking for was understanding and approval, rather than advice, even though what I wanted meant betraying another, my honor and my own kind.

“I cannot say what one should or should not do. Only you can know that. What I can say is, loving a married man means that you are his dirty secret. He cannot love you and respect you the way you wished for. If you choose to go down this path, you must be ready to face the consequences for his adultery.”   

*

*

*

Marmie’s warnings rested heavily on my mind for the rest of the afternoon. The fact that I would live in the shadow of his life, completely unable to cherish him in every way and whenever, was daunting to say the least. The truth of the matter is, if I were to accept his advances, he would not change his relationship with my mistress. He would be bound to his wife, while I lurked unnoticed in the shadows and watched him live his happy family life in all its glory.

  

* * *

 

“I say old man, are those your little girls running around over there on the lawn?” my cousin Albert asked in a slurred fashion, pointing out through the wide window on my left. I looked over and saw the two running around with wide smiles and loud laughter echoing, being chased by an equally enthusiastic Lizzie.

The sight was surely most entertaining, as the nannie ran around holding the hem of her skirt as she tried catching the running children. Like a bunch of headless chickens running around they were.

“Why yes they are. They seem to be giving their nanny a good workout, wouldn’t you say?” I chuckled. The fact that _she_ was the one who first caught my attention before my own children, would probably have gone noticed with a certain level of alarm among the company of my peers. Fortunately, Albert in his current state of intoxication, decided to not really notice that specific detail.

“Indeed. Although, with a lass as pretty as her, I could find a better form of exercise that would be far more satisfying.”

I turned to him with shock, nearly making him loose his balance as he had his hand wrapped around my shoulders, using me as a crutch to stop swaying. The very idea of him using my Elizabeth for his own satisfaction boiled my blood to maddening temperatures.

“Have care how you speak, dear cousin. She will not be one of your dirty whores.”

“I merely jest, Thomas.” he chuckled in his drunken state, waving his hand around in the air, dismissing the whole thing. “A handsome girl she truly is, but I prefer a more well-rounded, experienced woman.”

“You are going to be left with no woman, if you continue behaving thusly. No proper lady is going to agree to marry a drunkard like you.” I removed his arm and stepped away from his vicinity, leaving him to tend for himself.

The man fain shock at my insult towards his character, performing dramatically as if he were in front of a theater audience. The man stumbled onto other partygoers, spilling his drink onto the floor and carpet as he tried regaining his balance. My uncle watched in anger as his son made a fool of himself among his guests, until finally he had enough of his son’s antics and removed the drunk from the room.

With the excitement over, I turned back to gaze upon the lovely lady outside. She apparently had managed to catch the little rascals, as now the two laid on top of her on the ground, all three laughing and giggling as Lizzie held them close to her chest.

*

*

*

This issue with I and Elizabeth needed to be settled once and for all. I believe I made my intentions and feelings clear to her, to the best of my abilities last night. Even after a whole day of thinking and re-thinking our situation, my feelings of longing hadn’t diminished. On the contrary, in fact. Now that I knew for certain what I wanted, the temptation to just take what I wanted was maddening. The reasons to uphold my dignity and honor were quickly declining, as if I was slowly turning into my own personal Mr. Hyde to get what I so wanted.

I slowly made my way upstairs and down the long corridor, rehearsing what I wanted to say to my sweet Elizabeth the moment I would meet her yet again. And by sheer luck, she exited the children’s room as I was to pass their door on my way to her room.

“Good evening.” I greeted her as she stared at me with wide eyes, standing impeccably still in her step, still grasping the doorknob in her hand that she had just pulled shut. She let go of the door and straightened up, resting her hands in front of her skirt in a clasp.

“Good evening, sir.” she greeted back with a blank face, yet her eyes could not hide her curiosity. Those dark eyes, so enchanting with their secrets, could make any man fall to their knees, if they only willingly gazed upon them.  

“Have the girls fallen asleep?” I asked, suddenly losing my train of though and the speech I had so raked my mind with.

“Yes sir.” she answered plainly with a nod.

“Good… that is good.”

The lady was completely silent, dutifully waiting like the proper maid she used to be for me to continue. “Elizabeth…” I finally managed to say after a moment. “About last night… I-I beg for your forgiveness. It was most un-gentlemanly of me to attack you so.”

With contemplation, she licked her lips and looked into my eyes, curiously searching for any truth behind my words. “Do you regret kissing me?” she asked. The simple yet so difficult question alarmed me. Not because of its frankness, but because the truth was something I wished it not to be.

Oh I had begged and pleaded the good Lord in my prayers that night, for I had wished for regret, to hope that this was just feeling of passing fancy, a test to tempt me to sin against God and betray my wife. But no… This was not a momentary infatuation. She was not worthy of such low standards. “Oh my dear,” I sighed with such longing for her.

I took slow steps towards her, fearing that I would scare her away like a terrified little creature. “I do not regret what I did. In fact, I wish to do it again… long to do it again, until the moon and stars no longer shined brightly in the night sky, reminding me of your eyes.”

The lady braced herself against the edges of the closed doorway as I stepped closer and embraced her face. With my quick steps, I soon found myself pushing her back against the door, her skirt scratching against the old wooden surface. Her hands braced flat against my chest, but yet, she did not push me away. She said not a word, nothing to indicate that my touch was un-welcomed, but her eyes, oh those eyes that make a man swoon, showed anticipation and adventure.

“Tell me to cease what I am about to do, for I fear I will take what I so crave. Tell me no, if you do not desire what I offer. If you say no, I will not force myself upon you, this I promise.”

Her sweet breath panted slightly against my thumb as I swiped it against her soft lips. Her nostrils flared and her chest rose with every heaving intake of breath I felt against my chest. Every twitch, every look and breath she took signaled that she wanted what I offered her, but still she didn’t say a word. In my lust filled haze, I took her silence as consent and descended upon her sweet, kissable lips.

“Sir, your wife?” she suddenly whispered against my approaching lips. So close was I to taste her again and cherish what had tormented me uncontrollably during the night and day. The realization and possible aftermath of my actions pulled me away in the most agonizing of ways. So close was I to have what I so wanted, only to be robbed by the reminder of my wife.

And then, the moment was gone. I sighed with a small, unintentional whine as I pulled away. Out of frustration, I slammed my palm against the wall and reluctantly moved away, giving her room to move pass me. She looked at me with sorrow in her eyes, but again said nothing.

 

* * *

 

The poor man was suffering so, you could see it on his face. This distress he felt, the nagging want and need to love and be loved was so evident, one could see the very seams of his being tearing into shreds. Like a man tormented by the devil, he so suffered, and my heart longed to help him reach his peace in the light. But I knew if I were to try, _he_ would be the one to drag me into the darkness.

With all protocol and propriety thrown away long ago, I swiped away the loose curl behind his ear and caressed his cheek, silently comforting his agony, trying to say that it will all be alright. With a look of need and sadness, he caressed my hand before pulling it away with tears threatening to run down his eyes. Without a single word, he turned his back and walked away, retreating to the safety of his bedroom as I stood standing yet again in the darkness of my loneliness.

Once I finally reached my bedroom, I undressed and unpinned my hair, readying my tired body for the long awaited rest I had looked forward to. With my nightly routine finished, my mind begged me to find closer that needed to be laid to rest, or else I would find myself sleepless yet another night. My journal of many a night provided me comfort during my many years of service, clearing any and every thought and feeling from my mind, as it were my most beloved friend.

I wrote and wrote with uncontrollable speed, processing each word from my mind onto the paper, until suddenly I heard a loud knock on the door. I knew of course who it would be by the sound of the determined knock, but the thought of letting him into my bedroom, while I was in my nightdress and after all that had happened, intimidated me in more ways than one.

“Come in.” I said as I stood up from my writing desk. I grabbed my robe and wrapped the tie loosely around my waist as I waited for him to enter.

The door opened slowly and he walked in. He was still dressed in his elegant party suit, with the minor exception of his black bowtie that now hung unraveled around his neck. His curly hair was a tad bit messy, as if he had continuously ran his hands through it in frustration. He had that same look in his eyes as the previous night when he kissed me, but they seemed somehow more vulnerable, as if he had cried recently.  But no longer did he seem uncertain, for his gaze was steady and set on me.

“What is it that you want from me!?” I cried out, tired with his constant toying with me. “I grow weary of you and your mind games.”

“This is no mind game.” said he, walking towards me with determined steps, until he stood in front of me with a wild look in his eye. “I am done scolding myself for wanting something I dream of but can’t have. I want you as my own to love, to satisfy my need to feel wanted in a way I haven’t felt in such a long time.”

His words filled with need and lust quivered my shaky chest. The need to accept his advances was so very tempting to my young heart. Never had I wished to accept anything so wrong in my life.

“What say you? Will you be mine?” he asked staring down at me. He lifted his hands upon my head, threading his fingers through my long hair while he bent down to kiss the side of my face ever so slowly. “Be mine.” he cooed in my ear, spreading his kisses downwards towards my mouth. “Please be mine.”

I could only sigh with the extraordinary tingling feeling inside me, caused by the timber sound of his voice and the softness of his lips. “But my mistress…?” I tried to ask, but unsuccessfully. So enraptured was I of his hold on me as he kissed my face so fondly, I could barely form a coherent sentence.  

“Fret not my darling, I will tend to it.” he assured while he stared deeply into mine eyes, hypnotizing and bending my will to his liking. “I need your consent, Elizabeth. Will you be mine?”

“Yes.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to say a very big thank you to all the lovely comments and kudos I've received thus far. They really are a big confidence boost.
> 
> Also: Note the change in rating!  
> Pov changes after each cut.

My master sealed our agreement with a passionate kiss, completely destroying any chance of me changing my mind about my answer. He was like a madman, keeping my head still as he took what he needed to survive, moaning into our kiss from pure bliss that even I couldn’t resist.

 I grabbed onto his hair and held tightly, allowing him to use his hands however he pleased. Never had I felt such longing towards another human being so intimately than with him. 

Of course I understood what his intentions were even in this haze of passion. I would be lying to God Himself if I said that they weren’t welcomed.

He trailed his hands down to my waist ever so slowly and found the loosely tied knot that hung low. His hands opened the tie knot on my robe and pushed the garment off, leaving me in only my white sleeveless nightgown.  

His hands, so soft and gentle and warm to the touch caressed my bare arms, he smiled softly at me shivering with excitement, appreciating his advancement with a smile.

Feeling suddenly very shy about my nearly naked state, I found myself unconsciously rubbing my arms up and down, shielding my near naked state from his prying, steady eyes.

“Oh my darling, don’t be shy.” he cooed against my lips. “You are more beautiful than Aphrodite herself. You are every bit what a woman should be.” His gentle touch soothed me as he ran his fingertips down my neck and onto my shoulders, pulling down the straps of my dress to completely undress me.

There I stood bare in front of him, completely open to his lordship’s whims and pleasure. I could hear his breath hitch up as he looked down at my nude form. Such a serious expression he had on his face, nearly unrecognizable until he wrapped his arms around me in a tight embrace accompanied with frenzied kisses. His hands traveled up and down my back, pulling and grabbing with desperate need.

“Let me take you to bed.” said he with hooded eyes, his touch turning rougher with each passing second. My own longing to touch and feel him had grown into unbearable heights as well, for which I was certain I couldn’t come down from without first been completely satisfied by him in the most passionate way possible.

Hastily, he undressed his waistcoat, suspenders and shirt, eagerly ridding himself from the many layers of clothing in his way, while simultaneously trying not to end the steady stream of frenzied kisses he so robbed from me.

Patience clearly isn’t one of my lord’s strong suits, for he grabbed my waist and hoisted me up in his strong arms, carrying me to my bed as if I weighed but a few pounds. After lowering me down safely, he removed the rest of his garments, leaving him just as uncovered as I was.

His broad shoulders seemed ever so much wider underneath all his clothes, accentuated by his narrow hips which lead to his muscular thighs and legs. For a man of three and thirty, he surely was in his peak physically. With such toned muscles and strength, I am sure he would be an excellent athlete if his business ventures ever got too strenuous for him.

There were no physical markings nor indications, no fanfare or riots either, as we both laid on the bed nude. Nothing underneath the different uniforms we both forcefully wore daily, that indicated the difference in our birth or inequality. In this instance, this moment, we were both equal; he a man and I a woman, both desiring the same love and passion.

As I lay on my back top of the bedding and pillows, my master crawled on top, settling comfortably between my spread thighs as he kissed a trail from my navel to my neck.

“You are divine.” said he, kissing and nipping my breast teasingly. His hold on my hips was absolutely delicious as he inched his hands closer and closer in between my thighs. His fingers trailed up and down my most private place, ignoring any form of modesty in lieu of searching for his pleasure.

“Sir? Wha-what are you doing?” I asked shocked as he descended his beautiful face lower to my inner thighs, accompanied with kisses and licks, reaching dangerously close to where one should not place their face into.

His lordship raised his eyes in a mocking manner, “I beg you, please do not call me sir when we are alone. You may call me Tom.”

I nodded and agreed to his request, but did not hide my shocked state about his curiosity towards my quim.

“Do not feel afraid, my darling. I promise you will enjoy yourself.” said he.

And true to his word, his hot tongue felt absolutely splendid on my quim. The feeling most tingly sent shivers up my spine as I laid there holding tightly onto his shoulder and hair. The way he moved his tongue and lips made my chest shake with anticipation for something greater, something I knew that I wanted but had never dared to receive from another.

 

* * *

 

Her moans so exquisite rang in my ears, as if she was dying the most wonderful of small deaths. Her thighs shivered in my hands as I took my pleasure from within her, reminding me of all the wonderful things a woman could feel when allowing herself to be loved in such a way.

With her eyes hooded, she is so enchanting as I look up from between her thighs.  With her hands grasping firmly at my shoulders, I moved on top of her shaky chest, calming her before continuing with the promise of wondrous pleasures.  With no indication of resistance or even discomfort or fear, I slowly and steadily pushed into her tight heat until I could go no further. I could feel her nails puncture my skin and her muscles tensing around me, her face contorting into one of agony and pain as I looked down upon her face.

“Breath in deep, you are too tense.” I sighed against her cheek, feeling as tough she would soon bruise me if she did not seize her tight hold on me. I lavished her neck and chest with brief kisses, trying to help her lose her deep concentration on the discomfort she must feel.

“It hurts.” she whined with a grimace, panting fast as the foreign feeling of me inside her breached her most intimate place with discomfort.

“I am sorry. Tell me if you want me to stop.”  I said and halted my every move, waiting for her to reply and get used to the sudden intrusion. After a moment of heavy breathing on both our persons, her due to the pain she felt and I for the insufferable tightness and maddening heat, I soon felt her fingers lose their tight hold on my hair as she relaxed. I looked up from her chest where I lay, meeting her eyes which seemed to beg for me to continue.

“Are you sure?” I whispered. Elizabeth nodded and wrapped her legs around mine as she slowly thrust her pelvis against me.

Even this tiny movement would have been enough to make a grown man swoon. Her limbs wrapped around my body with such need and longing was as if I were embraced by fire’s passion itself.

Elizabeth’s whimpers and cries soon turned into quiet moans and coos of never before felt pleasures. Her heavy breathing combined with her erotic expressions where exquisite new additions to my dreams. If I were to die tomorrow, I knew I would die a happy man, for I had witnessed the most breathtaking sight of passion in my life.

 

* * *

 

Oh how beautiful he truly was, totally uninhibited. The thrusting of his hips, the huff of his breath next to my ear, all were nearly too much for me. His touch was soft and kind, something I wasn’t expecting by the devilish and intense look he had about him as he entered my room.

He knew exactly what to do and how to do it, leaving me and my inexperienced self laying underneath his thrusting hips and heaving chest. He didn’t say much as he made love to me, but then again, I was completely disposed from my train of thought as well.

The feeling of him moving so deep inside me was both pleasurable and maddening, the latter probably caused by the unrelenting rise of the unbearably intense sense of heated pleasure. It was as if I were teetering on the edge of the abyss, but ultimately unable to fall. My frustration only grew deeper and deeper the faster he moved. I could feel the muscles in my pelvis and the pit of my stomach tighten, but all I could do was shake and quiver, hoping to soon find the release I so searched for.

The urge to scream up to the heavens was at its peak after several minutes of intense and pleasurable agony. Never had I felt such a burning heat between my thighs and in my heart. I grasped and pulled at the bedding, trying to find a hold-on in this whirlwind of a dream. My thighs shivered with anticipation, waiting to find that sweet release my master had worked so hard to achieve for the both of us. With my voice echoing in the room and my hands grasping a hold of the man on top of me, I shook at the pleasure that ran through me. Oh, the feeling of absolute ecstasy was overwhelming as the heat spread through each limb, resulting in such pleasing relaxation.

My master furrowed his brow and his jaw fell slack as he pulled out of me suddenly. Him removing himself so hastily from inside me made me flinch with discomfort, reminding me of the possible bruising I must have gained during the beginning of our lovemaking.

I could feel his body go stiff as he rose to his knees and braced himself on his left hand, his breath coming out in big gasps as he finally shuddered with his other hand hastily moving between our bodies, releasing something hot onto my pelvis.

I watched him groan out his pleasure with fascination, shutting his eyes as the last of his shudders seized and his face cleared of any signs of strain. His breath returned back to it’s regulation, and he looked back at me with a wide smile of pure satisfaction.

“Oh my sweet angel.” he sighed fully content, leaning back and sitting on his knees in his blissful state.

 

* * *

 

“Oh!” I gasped with shock as saw the evidence of our activity on his hand. He halted his movement as he saw that his hand was coated with a thin coat of my blood with among his release. The dry evidence of my innocence was lightly smeared along his pelvis and thighs as well, reminding me of the pain I had received.

“Hold on, I will be back in a moment.” he said assuring me as he lifted away, scurrying to the little washbasin and pitcher of water on the little counter. With the basin full of water and with a towel in hand, he returned and sat between my thighs. “Bend your legs, let me take a look.”

An uncontrollable sense of shame and humiliation washed over me. I was unable to perform the simple task he had asked of me, in fear of succumbing into any more embarrassment.

“Come on, my darling. I cannot clean you with your legs in such a position. Lift…” he continued, bending my other knee with his hand.

Once I agreed to his request, he bent his head down and checked for any markings of our heated coupling, and proceeded in clearing every speck of blood and fluids left, before cleaning himself off.

Once finished with his meticulous caring, he cleared away the items and returned back to me, laying besides me on his side.

“Are you alright?” he asked ever so tenderly. His fingers brushed my hair on the side of my face, his gentle fingertips touching my skin every so often but with affection.

“I am fine.” I answered.

“I am sorry that I hurt you. It was not my intention to cause you any pain.” said he as he leaned against me and kissed my face, wrapping his arm around my waist to turn my front against him.

The sorrow in his eyes was genuine. The sweet man begged for forgiveness with every affectionate movement of his body. I smiled and kissed his lips, promising that it would all be alright.

*

*

*

“You look like an angel as you stand there.” a sleepy voice said from the bed. I turned around from my spot and faced him, pulling up the undergarments I had picked up from my chest of drawers. His hair was absolutely tussled in the most adorable of ways as he laid there with the sheet drawn up to his neck. “The sunshine coming from outside lights you up as if you shined with heaven’s light.”

I could only smile at his lovely words that caused me to blush like a little child. His lordship, fully rested and content, was absolutely beautiful himself. One could even say he seemed to be glowing. His wide smile was a happy one, full of bliss and relaxation.

“What are you doing?” he asked once he finally realized that I would not be coming back to bed, as I kept dressing my many layers of clothing. “After such an amazing night, protocol dictates that you should lay with me in bed, enjoying all the wonderful feelings left over from our love.” said he with a grin like of the Cheshire Cat.

“I must tend to the children. They must be dressed and fed.” I replied.

“Let them sleep in.” said he, crawling out from under the bedding and grabbing my waist. He pulled me onto his lap, forcing me to delay my dressing.

“I cannot. They will get out of their beds and start playing with their toys, and then I will never manage to persuade them to dress and eat.” I pleaded unsuccessfully as he distracted me with frenzied kisses to my neck. “Furthermore, you, my sweet ‘Tom’, are supposed to have breakfast with his lordship.”

He groaned up against my back as he remembered his previously forgotten breakfast engagement. His hold on my waist loosened and I removed myself from his lap, leaving him laying against the bed with the sheet only partially covering his nude body.

“O’ wise and beautiful mistress of my heart, when will I get to share your company again?” he asked with a laugh as he gathered himself up once more. He got off of the bed and walked against me, wrapping his arms around my dressed form as he sought for an affectionate embrace and kiss.

“We are to leave for Oxfordshire after noon. I do not know when and how we are to meet again.” I answered in a serious tone against his sweet lips, trying to resolve this pressing issue that slowly began to haunt me.

“Do not worry my darling. I will do whatever I must to see and hold you again.”

 

* * *

 

“Good evening, milord.” Mr. Harrison greeted us as we arrived back at Kensington Lisle. “I trust you had an excellent time?”

“Good evening, Harrison. Most excellent indeed.” I answered with a friendly, yet tired smile. The last few hours of the trip had allowed myself and my Elizabeth to spend a few hours together in each other’s company, before we must start this agonizing game of secrecy. “Pray tell, Harrison, whose carriage is that?” I asked dumbfounded. “Surely we are not expecting any company?”

“I believe the lady of the house has had the pleasure of Sir Hiddleston’s company, milord.”

Shocked and appalled, I rushed immediately inside the house to locate my intruding older brother. “JAMES!” I shouted as I found him standing next to the fireplace in the sitting room, with Caroline looking terrified a she sat on the sofa.

“Well hello baby brother.” he charmingly smiled with a wink.

Caroline stood up from her seat and rushed in front of me, coming in between myself and my brother as I stormed into the room. “Thomas my love, I beg you, please do not lose your temper!” she cried, trying to stop me from entering further.

“Out of the way Caroline.” I warned her, shoving her away as I quickly stepped closer to the one who nearly ruined my entire life.

“Did you have fun at the party?” the bastard asked with a chuckle, dangerously playing with the fire and rage that I cared not to hide.

“Thomas! THOMAS NO, DON’T!”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular chapter centers more on Lord and Lady Hiddleston and their relationship, so once should be expecting quite a bit of drama. I recommend reading or re-reading chapter 3 to refresh your memory on some of the issues they've delt within their marriage.
> 
> AN: Apologies for any possible grammar mistakes. It is quite late in the AM over here, but my brain would not let me rest until I finished this chapter and posted it.
> 
> Pov changes after the cut.

”Fuck!” I groaned with gritted teeth as the shooting pain in my hand only increased. I held my bruised hand gingerly as I tried to soothe the pain my knuckles had received after coming into contact with James’ face. I could hear him moaning in pain as he rolled on the floor grasping at his nose, his eyes confirming that the punch was indeed a shock to him. But as far as I was concerned, the bastard had it coming, and I would have gladly continued if Caroline had not intervened.

“You broke my nose, you ass!” he shouted at me as he gathered himself back up on his two wobbly feet, picking his pocket for a handkerchief to gather the blood that dripped from his nose.

I huffed as my breathing accelerated, probably caused by the sudden spike of adrenaline that coursed through my veins. I could feel the rage inside me build up fast, and my brother was greatly testing my patience. “You’re lucky that is the only thing I broke.” I retorted, flexing my hand to test for any fractures.                                                                        

“Spare me of your empty threats. You, the ‘wise and calm one’, are incapable of afflicting anymore violence towards others.”

“Stop it! The both of you!” Caroline scowled and came to stand between the two of us.

“What are you doing here? I thought I told you never to step foot near my house or my family.”

James fixed his shirt and jacket to it’s proper state, looking every bit the fine gentleman as he led others to believe, as if nothing had happened, something which was certainly one of his many irritatingly impressive qualities. “Well since I was not invited to dear uncle’s party, and I had a strong feeling that your wife was certainly not going to be welcomed there with opened arms, I thought I would come and keep dear Caroline company.”

I turned to face Caroline and her panicked state, wondering if she was really the one behind all of this. Her breathing quickened as she shook her head hastily from side to side with wide eyes, denying the very thing as if she knew what I was thinking.

James patted the rest of the blood from his nose away before it would dry up on his skin. “You see, Caroline feels ever so lonesome, since you have chosen not to spend your time with her.”

“James!” Caroline shouted aghast, trying desperately with pleading eyes to stop him from creating any more tension between the two of us.

“Watch your tongue, brother.” I warned him.

James folded his ruined handkerchief and threw it onto the small table next to him. He straightened his back and held his head up high, returning back to his annoyingly charismatic stance as he leaned his arm once more against the roaring fireplace. He swiped his fingertips against his upper lip, making sure that there wasn’t any dried up blood. “You see, I thought I could… cheer her up a bit.” he sneered, pushing me over the edge once more.

I could faintly hear Caroline screaming next to me as she pulled at my shoulders, trying desperately to seize my punching. I held my brother in a tight grip, my hand grasping at his loose collar as swing after hard swing, my fist met with his face.

“THOMAS STOP! YOU’RE KILLING HIM!” she screamed horrified. I could hear loud steps coming into the room and seeing the reflection of Mr. Harrison as he arrived at the doorway.

“Get off me you madman!” James snarled, trying his best to resist the onslaught on his face.

“You ruined my life, you bastard!” I shouted, allowing my rage to fuel the hurt and pain I so wished for him to suffer.

“I’m sorry! I already gave you everything that I have! I have nothing left to give you!” he said in defense.

“YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! YOU _TOOK_ EVERYTHING THAT I _HAD_!”

 

3 months earlier

 

  _“Sir?! I wasn’t expecting you to return back so soon?” our housekeeper Mrs. Kerr panicked as I returned back home after abruptly cutting short my business trip in Manchester. I took off my hat and jacket that had been soaked by the rain, passing them to the housekeeper as I made my way further inside._

_“I wanted to surprise my girls, Mrs. Kerr. Ivy was ever so sad when she heard that I would be missing her birthday, so I decided to finish by business there early and return home to surprise her.” I looked over to the staircase, waiting to hear the brisk pitter-patter of little feet to come down and greet me. But all was silent, much to my surprise. “Where are the children?” I asked Kerr, quite confused since they usually are around the house at this time of the day._

_Mrs. Kerr failed to come up with an answer as I waited next to her, her mouth imitating that of a fish, but saying not a word. She grasped at the wet jacket in her hands, mumbling intelligible words as she quickly got to her feet and hanged the garment up to dry._

_“The children are out with the nanny, sir.” she finally managed to say._

_“They are outside? In this weather?” I asked. Mrs. Kerr nodded, gulping loudly as she stood as straight as a stick figure. Her behavior was most disconcerting. The usually sharp as a tack and quick witted housekeeper, was behaving most oddly and out of her character._

_“I believe they all went to a museum of sorts. I cannot recall which, sir.”_

_“I see.” I replied with a slight nod, accepting her explanation, though hasty it was. “No matter, I will greet them once they return. Now tell me, where is my wife?”_

_The sudden sorrow in Mrs. Kerr’s eyes was most obvious. The first mention of my wife had her turn pale as a ghost and a slight sheen of sweat formed on her brow._

_“Speak up, Kerr! Your sudden loss for words is most distracting.” I snapped at her, wishing to seize her odd behavior once and for all and get on with my day._

_“She is resting in the bedroom.” she answered with a bowed head, answering dutifully._

_I thanked her for her answer and left her company, climbing up the stairs to the second floor where our bedroom was located. As I walked up, I couldn’t help but notice Mrs. Kerr staring at me with tears nearly falling from her eyes. Such a sad expression she had on her face, for which I could not for the life of me place._

_As I walked in, never would I have imagined such betrayal from the people I loved and held dear to my heart. My darling wife, the one I so loved and cherished, laid bare on the bed with her thighs wide open, as my brother, my own flesh and blood, laid just as bare on top of her._

_The shock and heartbreak of seeing two such important people in my life, while in the middle of such a heinous act, was nearly too much to handle. I could only brace myself against the door as I watched the two make love to each other on my bed. Confusion, hate and betrayal all clouded my very mind and soul._

_“Thomas?!” she cried out in shock, pushing James away from her. With the sheet wrapped around her, Caroline got out of bed and ran to me, begging me for forgiveness in a hasty manner, as James dressed his clothes back on in quite a rush. But I was too far gone in my own mind and I could not help but shut down completely. I wasn’t able to pay attention to a word Caroline said as she ran in front of me, trying her best to keep me from leaving the room. It was as if her voice was mute while her lips moved with frenzy. But I knew that her empty words would not mean a thing after what she had done to me._

Mr. Harrison quickly pulled me off of my brother to try and end my brutal and repressed rage. I huffed with the exertion of beating him with all my might, so when I was finally pulled away, all I could do was breathe and try to find myself a seat and calm down. I ran my good hand through my hair as I turned away from Harrison, who now helped Caroline lift up my brother onto the sofa.

To my shame, my gaze met with three pairs of shocked eyes that stared at me from across the lobby. Elizabeth watched with horror at the beating she must have witnessed, holding on tightly to Lilly’s and Ivy’s hands as they looked at me ever so confused. Elizabeth soon came to after realizing I was staring straight back at her with just as much horror. She whispered something to the children and quickly pulled at their arms, taking them upstairs, far away from the commotion that was taking place in the sitting room.

“Thomas, perhaps you should sit down for a moment.” said Caroline from behind me. I turned around and nodded, agreeing that perhaps that would be for the best.

Harrison, being the brisk and smart man that he was, had managed to ask for a doctor to be fetched in order to examine my bruised brother. So when Harrison returned back in barely any time at all, he returned with a glass of brandy to soothe my agitated nerves.

Caroline kneeled in front of me as I sat in my comfy chair with my drink in hand. By now, her tears were falling in steady streams down her cheeks, dripping down onto her dress that had been slightly torn in the heat of the moment.

“Oh my love, I beg you to believe me. I did not invite him here. He appeared by his own accord, please believe me.” she cried, holding onto my knees as if she were a beggar.

I raised my hand just a little, silently asking for her to stop her speech. She did so and stopped her begging, but her tears and sobbing continued.

Caroline embraced my legs and placed her cheek on top of my knees, holding on tightly in hopes of receiving any understanding or retribution, I suppose. Whether or not I was willing to allow her that, I was still uncertain of. 

*

*

*

“What now, my love?” Caroline asked me, physically tired from all of this fighting and crying and overall morbid atmosphere.

The doctor had arrived earlier to examine my brother. He concluded that he did in fact have a broken nose as well as a fractured cheekbone, but that he soon would be well. The doctor suggested that it would be proper and kind to let James stay for the night, rather than travel all the way back to London. Much to my displeasure, I agreed, allowing the doctor and Harrison to carry him to one of the guestrooms for the night.

I looked at my bandaged right hand, cross that I had allowed myself to inflict such pain and damage to my own brother. I suppose all these months of suppressed feelings of hate and rage culminated with my brother’s provocation. I knew I shouldn’t have lost my temper, for I knew also what my brother was like and how he acted.

“Thomas?” Caroline called me, bringing me back from my deep thoughts.

I sighed, completely worn out and sporting a headache of monstrous proportions. “Why did you do it?” I asked as I rubbed my temple, trying to alleviate the banging feeling there.

“Beg your pardon?” she asked confused. She sat across from me on one of the chairs, looking straight at me.

“Why did you betray me so? And with him, of all people?”

Caroline visibly pondered for her answer. Her hands grasped her skirt and she fisted it in rhythm, trying to stay calm as if she were in the confessional booth, gathering courage to reveal her sins.

“I wanted him. I always wanted him.” said she. She bowed her head down and dared not to face me any longer. It was evident that the shame she must have felt for lusting another, crept onto her face with a flush.

I was shocked. Had I lived a lie for all these years? “Wha-what? What do you mean you always wanted him? How long has this been going on?”

Caroline’s wall quickly started to crumble, her eyes forming tears in a rapid pace. “I’ve wanted James ever since I was a mere girl.” she said, holding back the tears that threatened to burst. “He was always so charming and full of life. He was capable of gaining anything he wanted or whomever he wanted. But he never wanted me. Not the same way I wanted him, at least.”

“So you used me to get closer to him?”

Caroline shamefully nodded, her lip quivering with the deceit she had formed that now destroyed my very core. “But why continue with the lie and the façade? Why did you agree to marry me, if you so wanted him? Why choose me over him?”

“I am so sorry Thomas. I beg you, please do not make me tell you anymore.” she cried with sobs that shook her breath, her spirit falling into pieces right in front of my very eyes.

“You will tell me EVERYTHING! No more games, Caroline.” I told her. It took nearly everything I had to keep me at bay. I needed to hear the truth once and for all. No more hiding, no more lies.

“I never wanted to marry you. I thought…” she stopped, trying to gather the pieces of her shattered self so she could continue with her explanation. “I thought that I could catch his attention through you. I wanted him to notice me and be jealous of you.”

The absurdity of her claim rang in my ears. I was merely a puppet of hers. A tool to gain what she truly wanted. “Well that didn’t work, did it?”

Caroline shook her head, confirming my suspicion. “James has been and always will be too much for one woman to handle. He is not agreeable for a good marriage, which is why I chose to agree to your proposal. You are a good man Thomas. A far better human than I will ever be.”

“So you settled for me then? Did you ever love me?”

“Of course I loved you.” she interjected without a doubt. ”You provided me with a home to call my own, you loved me and took care of me, gave me children… You are every bit the most wonderful man a woman could dream of.”

“But yet, you never wanted me.”

“Thomas, please do not twist my words. Of course I wanted you.”

“But only after finding out that he didn’t want you.”

Caroline instantly went silent. I fear that this was the missing piece of the puzzle, the reason why she agreed to be my wife in the first place. And the fact that she did not even try to correct me only strengthened my suspicions.

“What will you do with me?” she asked.

I suppose the options for situations like these are fairly minimal, but simple none the less. A proud man – a just man, would probably take legal action in a situation such as this. I am afraid my conscience however would not resort to such behavior, no matter how hurt I felt from her actions and words. “We will continue as if this disturbing episode never happened. We will cease this bickering and move on.”

Caroline stared at me with wide eyes, not believing what I had just told her. “Really? Why?”

“I will not have my family name tarnished by your indiscretion, nor will I allow your father to be humiliated by your actions. We will both resume our family duties promptly, and we will not talk about this ever again.”

Caroline nodded vigorously, agreeing to my every command on the issue. I stood up from my comfy seat and walked towards the door, leaving Caroline alone by herself.

“Oh, and Caroline…” I stopped, turning around to make sure she was listening intently to every word. “If I ever find you alone with another man again, I promise you, it will be the end of you.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Lizzie, what is going on?” Lilly asked as I dressed her for bed. Her tired eyes were filled with wonder and confusion, not fully understanding what had transpired downstairs.

“I am afraid I cannot say, my dear. But I am sure it will all be cleared up in not time.”

Lilly nodded and slid into her bed without any buts or arguments, just like a good girl. I continued to keep both girls company for a few more minutes, reading them a short bedtime story, before luckily both of them soon found peace and fell into blissful sleep.

I however was not ready to fall into such a state. My lord and new lover had surprised me with his frazzled state as we stood watch earlier. Never would I have imagined that he was capable of inflicting such pain towards other. Of course, I did not now the circumstances of this altercation, so I suppose I should not presume on his character.

My lord, so happy and carefree as he was not too long ago, had nearly changed in a matter of minutes after our return to Kensington Lisle. And even though the issue downstairs had gained my interest, I dared not to find out the conclusion of the matter. Perhaps the proper thing is to leave the matter to whom it may concern and not get involved.

With the last of my tasks done, I retired to my quarters and briskly made my way to bed. With the last of my candle burning by my side as I lay in bed, my mind whirls on the changes to my life, and how this dangerous dynamic will work in the long run. Lord Hiddleston, my Tom, had promised that all will be well and that he will take care of everything. But for some inexplicable reason, I find myself pondering about the possible repercussions, if he does _not_ have everything in order.

And quite unexpectedly, the sound of a knock traveled to my ears, disturbing the pondering of my own future.

The door slowly opened, much to my surprise, for I did not allow the perpetrator to enter. I could not see who it was, for it was too dark and they were hiding behind the door, but whoever it was, was certainly careful to not make a sound.

“Elizabeth?” a deep voice whispered from behind the jarred door. “Are you asleep? Are you decent?”

“Sir? What are you doing here?” I asked with shock, surprised by his frankness and bravery to enter my room while the rest of the household was present.

Thomas walked in with careful steps, trying hard to not make a noise on the creaky floor as he locked the door and tiptoed next to the bed where I lay.

“Sir? Your wife?”

“She will not be expecting me tonight.” he answered.

There was a clear lack of fire or will in this man’s eyes as he stood next to me. The joyous and happy being had turned into a lifeless creature full of sadness and darkness. His eyes were tired and his body bruised, something I found exceedingly troublesome.

“Is everything alright, sir?” I asked as I looked up to his eyes and gently grasped his hand.

“I do not wish to talk about it at this very moment. And please, I beg you, do not call me 'Sir'.”

I kissed his bruised hand as an apology for my mishap. This new concept was still quite new and foreign, but truthfully, I found it quite endearing to be reminded of what to call him.

“May I sleep with you this night?” he asked, grasping my hand that previously held his. “I do not wish to be alone tonight.” he begged.

I more than happily agreed to his request and made room for him. The feeling that he wished to be with ME instead of his wife, even in the case of possibly being caught, was both heartwarming as well as exciting to my young hear. I watched as he removed all unnecessary articles of clothing and joined me underneath the covers. He kissed me on my cheek, neck and shoulder as he wished me a good night. And with his chest against my back, his hand firmly on my waist, we both relaxed in a comfy position and soon fell asleep, hoping for a better tomorrow.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pov changes after the cut.

“Good morning Thomas. How are you today?” Caroline asked as she entered the dining room. I sat in my place, at the end of the table, reading my morning paper as I enjoyed my breakfast in precious solitude.

I raised my eyes from the paper in my hands, wishing her a good morning as well, but I’m afraid that that was the extent of our conversation. At least on my part. The previous night’s altercation still weighed heavily on my mind, and the state of my hand did nothing to help me forget what had transpired.

I could sense Caroline wishing to speak with me, for I could feel that piercing gaze of hers looking straight at me, nudging my very sanity. But yet, she did not utter a word.   

“Caroline, you are staring. I find it to be most distracting.”

“Could you at least look at me then?” she asked shyly, as if testing the thickness of the ice she was about to embark on.

I sighed deeply in defeat, completely unable to enjoy the rest of my reading. I folded the paper in front of me and leaned against the back of my chair, looking straight at her, waiting for her to say what she wished to say.

“You must think that I am a monster.” she said as she looked into my eyes, ignoring the hefty plate of food that had just been served in front of her by one of the service maids.

I thought about her claim. Yes, her actions had been monumentally selfish and hurtful, capable of destroying our lives and the ones of our children. She had allowed my brother to enter our bed and our marriage, contaminating the trust and love I had given her. But no, she was no monster. For all intents and purposes, I knew she loved me the way I loved her. I refuse to believe that during the course of eight years, everything she had said and done was a lie. Every smile, every laugh and cry could not have been untrue. I do not wish to believe that she is capable of such a traitorous scheme.

“I do not think you are a monster.” I answered truthfully. Caroline sighed at my response, but did not interrupt. She kept her gaze upon my eyes as I looked straight at her. “But you are a selfish and foolish woman.”

“I am. I am foolish and selfish and ignorant, and I am sorry.” she said with tears threatening to fall. “But no matter what I did, I still love you and our children.”

I understood that her feelings weren’t as simple and as black and white as I had hoped them to be. That would have certainly made it easier for me to truly hate her. But alas, every emotion she had, every word she said, felt so very true and honest, and I could not help but slowly start loosening the noose that I had wrapped around our marriage.

“Won’t you please forgive me? Please, if not for our sake, then at least for the children’s? We cannot keep fighting like this.”

She was right. No matter what she had done and how I punished her, our lives could not continue this way. This hatred, all this animosity, it was not right. It was time to end it all. “Alright.”

“Alright?” she asked stunned, clearly not understanding what I had agreed upon.

“Yes. Once James leaves, we will leave all of this behind us.”

“And start fresh?” she asked hopefully.

“Yes.”

*

*

*

“For how long did the two of you have an affair?” I asked both of the perpetrators as they sat one on each side of me.

James had finally woken up after his beating from the previous night. Aside from his nose and cheek, it didn’t seem as though his face had had much damage. He sat on my right side in the dining hall, smoking one of his cigarettes, as per usual. He wasn’t in much of a conversational mood that much was obvious, but still decided to participate in talking this whole situation through once and for all.

“Just over four months.” Caroline said straightaway. “It began right before Christmas.”

“What changed? Why after all these years did you allow him to enter our bed? Were you not happy?” I asked her, referencing to the quiet scoundrel to my right.

“I was weak. He gave me the attention that I so craved.”

“Did I not give you my attention?”

“You did. But not in the same way. It was all the excitement and danger, games and drink. I was bored being the housewife and I wanted to live again.”

“But you had a home with me. A warm, safe, loving place. You were willing to trade that away?”

Caroline flushed bright red with shame as she continued with her explanation on the matter. Her hands that were folded on her lap shook, as though she was going through some sort of panicked state internally. “He finally gave me his time and his interest, something that I had wanted all those years ago. My judgment was clouded by my past and I could not resist what he offered me.”

“I see.” I listened to her, trying hard to keep a stiff upper lip on the matter. Hearing such details would surely make any man lose his temper, just as I did the previous night. But I was done with all the arguing and fighting. The sooner I knew of the details, the sooner we could all return to our lives as we lived them before this horrible situation. “And what about you, James? Out of all the women you’ve had and could have, why choose the one that mattered most to me?”

“Thomas, look I-“

“NO! Do not weasel yourself out of this. Tell me why you chose her.”

James puffed the last of his current cigarette, lighting up yet another one to soothe his nerves no doubt. “Forbidden fruit, old boy. I wanted what I could not have.”

Knowing my brother, I could have suspected as much. “So she was nothing more than a conquest, was she?” I asked him, peeking Caroline’s interest as well as she looked at him expectantly. See, the thing is, as much as Caroline claimed to want James, in her lust filled haze she failed to realize the real truth behind my brother: He was nothing more than a thrill seeker. That is how he had always been. He would never be one for marriage and children. No, he would always take what he wanted and when he wanted it, and then throw it away once he was finished with his play. A pleasure seeker of the worst kind. “Answer me James. Did you want her as well? Did you love her?”

I could not help but notice Caroline’s expression of anxiety. She hung on every word I said and enthusiastically waited for the answer she hoped to hear from James’ lips. But I knew better than that, the foolish girl...

“No, I did not.” he confessed. “I am not proud of what I did, I admit it. But the temptation was just too great. I am sorry Thomas, Caroline.”

“S-so you never…” Caroline tried to say, but I suspect the realization that he had used her for his own satisfaction truly and finally dawned on her.

“No. I never loved you, Caroline. What we did was never going to last.”

James finally hit the last nail in Caroline’s coffin. Shocked and appalled, Caroline got out of her seat and ran away crying, leaving the two of us in the quietness of the room.

“But there is still one thing that intrigues me, brother: The matter of your arrival. After these few months of complete silence, why did you return to us? After your devastating confession, I suspect that it was not solely because of Caroline.”

“It concerns mother.” he said swiftly and to the point.

“I see. And how is she?”

James shook his head slowly from side to side, wincing at the thought of our dear mother. “Her illness is taking a turn to the worst, I’m afraid. Her physician says that she will most likely never see the coming year. I wanted to tell you myself. I would have imagined that you would have thrown away any letters I would have sent you, which is the reason for my arrival.”

The news of my ailing mother had not been news to me. Her sickness of nearly two years had been difficult for all of us, especially for me, for she truly was the one person I could trust unconditionally. “I will travel to London and visit her. Perhaps that will lift up her spirits.”

“Well then, I guess I will inform her of your visit.” he agreed with a nod.

With nothing more left to say about the matters in hand, I stood up from my chair, ready to leave my brother’s presence for the last time.

“You are never going to forgive me for any of this, will you? James asked as he inhaled once more before putting out his cigarette, looking quite morbid about the situation as I walked away from his presence.

“No I will not.” I answered him plain and simple, continuing with my walk out of the dining hall. “Leave this house and my family at once. I never wish to see you again.”  

 

* * *

 

With the bright lights reflecting through the windows and bouncing off the walls and onto my face, I awoke feeling quite relaxed and well rested after our travel. I sighed, feeling rather pleased about my new soft bed that I was given when my master promoted me. And speaking of my master, I could hear my heart starting to beat faster as I remember him returning to me in the middle of the night, holding on tightly as he slept beside me. “Good morning.” I whispered as I turned around to face him.

But he was no longer there. The empty spot, _his_ empty spot, had now cooled down, removing any evidence of his body resting there besides mine. The unexpected disappearance had much more of an effect on me than what I would have imagined possible. Such longing of someone should not be experienced by anyone in love.

But of course, once one thought about it, it is obvious that he could not stay with me, with all the other servants and household possibly witnessing this secret if he did stay. But on the other hand, I had expected him to stay, or even greet me before leaving, just as we both did the previous morning.

But since I was alone, and there was no time for lollygagging, I got out of my soft, warm bed and dressed, ready to start the day. I continued with my journey towards the children’s room, ready to begin their day as well, when unexpectedly the mistress of the manor ran towards me. Her eyes were red and filled with tears, crying loudly as if not caring who saw her.

“My lady, is something wrong? Are you alright?” I asked concerned for her well-being.

“No. No I certainly am not well.” said she with a straining voice. “My life as I know it has been torn to shreds. I am without love!” she cried as she jogged past me, running up the stairs towards the masters’ bedroom.

Did she know? Had she found out about me and her husband? I could feel the slight panic rise up my spine of the thought. Surely she would have said something, had she found out. Yes, most definitely. This must be one of the masters’ heated arguments they seemed to keep having.

But the situation was most odd none the less. While I did feel as though I had the slight responsibility of at least trying to calm my lady down, before she fainted due to the lack of oxygen, my own shame of having an affair with her husband did not allow me to gain the courage to stop her from running.

“Perhaps you should sit down for a moment, my lady?” I asked her, hoping that at least my suggestion would help her calm down.

I gathered my thoughts after I did not hear a reply from my lady after several seconds, feeling that it might be best to just leave her alone and to remember my own place in this household. “Another quiet, happy day in Kensington Lisle…”

*

*

*

“Why, miss Elizabeth... Fancy seeing you here.” Mr. Baker, one of the local farmers greeted me as I passed him on the busy little town square, making my way back home from the bookshop I had just visited. The elderly, but still very outgoing and happy man, sat on top of his wooden buggy, holding onto the reins of his horse as he waited in front of one of the shops.

“Good day, sir.” I greeted him with a smile and a curtsey, happy to bump into one of the nicest people I can remember from my childhood. “It has been a long time since I saw you last, Mr. Elias. How are you?”

“Well, my knee has been giving me some grievance over the past few months, but other than that, very well thank you.” he answered, tapping his right knee as he spoke. “And you, my dear? Are you still employed at Kensington Lisle?”

“I am well, thank you. And yes, I am still employed at the estate, although in a much different position than I would have expected.”

“How so?”

“Well, Lord Hiddleston found it to be of the upmost importance that I were to be the new nanny to his children.”

Elias chuckled heartily, fixing his cap as he leaned down to take a closer look at me. “A nanny? My word… that is quite the promotion, my dear.”

“I agree. I was quite surprised myself, to be honest.”

“Well I guess you made an excellent impression on the lord. The again, you have always been a very responsible and hardworking young lass ever since you were a little girl.”

“Thank yo-“

“Alright, that was the last of them.” a young voice said from behind the cart. A young man that I recognized left the shop behind the cart, carrying a large wooden box in his strong arms.

“Good job, lad.” Elias said, looking over to the other side. “Miss Elizabeth, you remember my son Jacob?”

“Why yes, I do. Hello Jacob.” I greeted the young man.

Jacob removed his cap with haste, holding onto it with both hands as he walked around the cart to meet me. “Good afternoon Miss Elizabeth.” he said, his big brown eyes lighting up as he greeted me. It was as if stars shined brightly in his eyes, only to be outshined by the warm innocent smile he displayed so graciously. “You look fetching this day.”

I blushed at the complement, thanking him with a shy smile of my own. “I see you have grown quite a bit since we last met. All that reaping and sowing seems to have made you a strong fellow, carrying such big boxes filled with produce and all…” I said, referencing to the many boxes in the cart still to be delivered to other shops around town.

“Oh yes, miss. I am not the little boy you used to know anymore, but a man of five and twenty. Soon I will be running the farm by myself, once the old man here decides to drink himself to oblivion.”

“Watch it, boy!” Elias said, whacking his hat against Jacob’s head, making him flinch.

“Well at least you will be fit and ready when that time comes…” Elias gave me a look of warning, “which will not be for many years to come, I’m sure.” the two of us stared at mister Elias, waiting for him to scold us for our folly. Fortunately his own sense of good fun got the best of him and he laughed at my jest with his distinct timber voice that I recognized after all these years.

Jacob turned back to me with a sigh of relief, happy that his father found my implication to be funny. “And you miss Elizabeth? How are you fairing?”

“I am well, thank you. Very pleased to be employed at the manor.”

“She’s the nanny, she is.” Elias interjected with a smirk and a nod.

“The nanny? So you take care of the children?” he asked, very enthused by the new information.

“I do, and they are wonderful, my little Lilly and Ivy.”

“Do you like being around children, Miss Elizabeth?”

“I can’t say that I have much experience with other children, but I do love the ones that I care for.”

Jacob listened to every single word as if in a trance, following intently at every move I made, completely focused on me. “Lovely. That is absolutely lovely.” he said as I told him of all the fun I had with my little girls.

“Good day Mister Baker.” I heard my master’s voice say from behind me, startling me away from the conversation I was having. I turned around and saw lord Hiddleston walking towards us, seemingly enjoying the slightly cloudy day.

“Good day sir.” Elias greeted him with a nod of his hat.

“Elizabeth? What are you doing here?” he asked with a smile, completely ignoring the other two gentlemen present.

“I was asked to purchase new study books for Lilly. Apparently Ivy found the paper in the old books to be perfect for her drawings.”

The lord chuckled at his daughter’s misbehaving, “Yes, that certainly sounds like something she would do.” My master finally turned to the elderly Mr. Baker, bowing his head out of respect for the elderly. “Ah, Mr. Baker, I see you are doing your rounds. Business is good, I gather?”

“It has been a very agreeable summer so far, sir.” said Elias honestly, but with slight reserve.

“Well, that is indeed good to hear. I must commend you on your excellent produce. My family and I have all enjoyed the delicious variety of your vegetables and hope to purchase more in the future.”

Elias thanked him ever so kindly for the complement, wishing for more good seasons to come so the lord’s wishes could be fulfilled.

Jacob on the other hand remained silent, watching with a keen eye at the lord, as if he had never met him before in person.

There was an air of silence and slight awkwardness hanging over our heads after Elias thanked lord Hiddleston. Jacob had a look about him, as if he waited for my master to carry on with his day and leaves us be. It was as if he wished to continue our little conversation we had before my master had arrived. Unfortunately for Jacob, Thomas seemed to be quite pleased to stand at his spot, not even caring to move an inch from where he stood beside me.

“Well…” the elderly Baker said as he flexed the reins in his hand. “I believe we should continue with our deliveries. Come on son.”

Jacob finally snapped out of his gaze, confused as to what was happening. He looked at his father, who now rushed him to climb on the cart. “Miss Elizabeth,” Jacob said as he got ready to leave and return to his task at hand. “it was a pleasure to see you again after such a long time. I can only hope and pray, that the next time we meet will come sooner than the last.” Jacob said with a bow of his head, then making his way up besides his father.

“I agree, Jacob. It was good to see you again.”

“Will you come to the fair?” he asked hopeful.

“The fair is coming? When?”

“In a fortnight. Will I see you there?”

“I’m afraid I do not know.”

“I will look for you, if you choose to attend.”

I nodded my thanks, happily accepting his enthusiasm in meeting me if I chose to go.

“Good day.” Elias said as they left, leaving myself and Thomas standing in front of the shop.

Once we were left, Thomas turned to me. “Miss Elizabeth, may I walk you back home? Those clouds are starting to look a bit grim.” my master said as he towered over me, smiling at me ever so sweetly. But only I knew the meaning of that smile of his. Only I understood what he hid behind it, what he meant by it when he flashed it brightly to me out in public.

I agreed to his offer to walk me back to the manor. We walked side by side, not daring to touch in fear of someone seeing, even though the temptation to even hold his arm was excruciating.

“I did not know you had any business to attend to in town today, sir.” I asked slightly interested. His business in town was usually limited to only a day or two out of each week, for his business was usually conducted either in his office or one of his partners’.

“I didn’t. I was merely just out for a stroll.” said he, looking around at the trees and other flora, as I walked besides him, holding tightly onto my basket of books.

“It is a mighty long stroll.” I hinted with a smirk, starting to feel that there was a specific reason he had come all this way.

“Let’s just say that I had a motive to enter town.” with an obvious smirk he hinted back, not caring to hide his lavish charm and attention, now that we had exited town and walked along the rocky road.

I knew it. I knew there was a reason he came into town and spotted me when I conversed with the Baker’s. “Are you following me, good sir?”

“I wouldn’t dream of such a thing, my dear.” he chuckled wickedly, hinting to the absolute contrary. “But I do fear that we must hurry, if we are to get back without getting caught in the rain. Those dark clouds seem quite menacing. Come along.” he said, grabbing ahold of my hand and pulling me along with haste.

*

*

*

“It is still quite a long way back. I suggest we take shelter in that barn, until the rain ceases.”

Thomas said, pointing to the large barn on the nearby field. He took my hand and we ran

through the grassy field to safety.

“Are you alright?” he asked as I laid my basket of books down onto one of the hay bales as we entered the drafty barn.

“I believe so. Just soaked.” I said, taking off my hat and shawl, trying to rid myself from the layers of clothing soaked by the rain, leaving them hanging on one of the planks to dry on.

Thomas removed his coat along with his vest, leaving him in a white baggy shirt and his suspenders. His neck and chest shined with all the water that had soaked through the material, glistening very salaciously that would make any young woman swoon.

“A-a-are you alright?” I asked with a slight stutter, cursing to myself that I let my imagination run wild after seeing the smallest patch of skin, which reminded me of what all was hidden underneath the many layers of clothing.

“Yes, I am fine. A little rain won’t hurt.” he smiled. “But you, my dear, should probably take all of these soaked clothes off, so you won’t catch a cold.” said he as he approached me, sweeping the wet tendrils of hair away from my face and shoulders. One by one he opened the small buttons in the front of my bodice, making his way ever so slowly down to the skirt, smiling with anticipation as his lips threatened to kiss mine.

“That would be very indecent, _sir_.” I teased as he opened the last few buttons.

“Yes, well, fortunately I like a little indecency.”

With my bodice unbuttoned, he removed the garment, tossing it to the nearby plank as he admired my corset covered bust. His hands trailed from my neck to my bosom, all the way down to the small of my back as if mesmerized.

“Oh how I’ve missed you so.” he whispered into my ear as he held my waist, keeping me close to his chest. “I’ve had such a horrid day so far. I just want to relax with you in my arms.”

“You weren’t there when I woke up this morning.” I said with longing, wishing he would have stayed with me for at least a little while as I laid in the bed we shared.

“I am sorry. I had things to attend to.” he apologized remorsefully, trailing kisses along my wet cheek as if trying to make it all better. “I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“How?” I asked interested. I was nearly distracted by him gnawing on my neck, right beneath my ear, his favorite spot to kiss and lick.

“I have decided to visit my mother in London. I will take the children along with me. This way I have a good reason to bring you along, and thus, allow us to spend the nights and mornings together.” he said smugly as he revealed his master plan.

“Thomas, I do not think that to be a wise choice. Lilly has already begun her tutelage for this year. I do not think it would do her any good to start making such long trips.”

“Nonsense. She will be fine. What say you if I were to bring her tutor along with us? That way the tutor could keep an eye on the children while we-”

“While we what?” I asked stunned by his outlandish suggestion of disregarding his own children to that horrid woman parading as a tutor. “While we sneak away? Hiding under their very noses? And your mother…” Appalled of his suggestion, I removed myself from his grasp, turning away to calm my sudden burst of anger.

“I’m sorry.” Thomas said, following suit until he stood behind me, embracing my waist once again as he cooed his apologies into my ear. “I am sorry, you are right. I just want to spend every possible moment with you. My judgment is a tad bit cloudy whenever I find the opportunity to be with you again.”

His apology and explanation was more than sweet in my ear. It was oh so very difficult for me to keep my head up above this treacherous water of lust and potential danger. “Do not worry my love, we will find a way to be together.” I comforted him, turning around in his arms to trail my fingertips from his jaw to his lips.

“Well, in the meantime, I suppose we will just have to make the best of it.” said he and suddenly lifted me up in his arms as if I were made only from air.

“Thomas!? Where are you taking me?” I couldn’t help but giggle at his playfulness. Thomas smiled widely with his more than recognizable laugh, carrying me around to one of the corners we had passed earlier as we entered the barn. “Thomas!? Thomas don’t you dare put me on top of that stack of hay! Who knows what animals have rolled around in it…” But he only kept on walking towards the large pile of hay, completely ignoring my pleas and warnings. “Thomas? Thomas!”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the horrendously late chapter. I found myself incredibly busy with life over the past few weeks, and thus didn't have much time to continue with my writing. Hopefully the newest chapter won't let you down.
> 
> Pov changes after each cut.

It has been twelve days since my Thomas left us to visit London. Each passing day without seeing him felt more lonesome than the previous. I would lie awake in my bed until the wee hours of the morning, kept awake solely by the memory of his presence in my bed. My loneliness of him was only made worse by the lack of news from him. Not once had I received a letter or a message from him during this time. The only word of him that I _had_ heard, was when Lady Hiddleston received a letter from him during teatime, informing her that he had arrived safely and now was with his mother. I could not help but feel conflicted. I was certainly happy and relieved that he was safe and sound and with his mother in London, but at the same time, my jealousy towards Lady Hiddleston was maddening.

I knew that I shouldn’t feel such things, and my envy towards my mistress was absolutely uncalled for, for I am the one who is wronging her. But the toll of lying to her, pretending that everything is as it seems, is an excruciating one.

And all of this has only been heightened as the lady wished to spend more time with her children, who are still technically under my care. The lady is of course a very pleasant and kind woman to be sure, and never once has she demanded anything from me or mistreated me. In fact, over the course of these few days without the presence of the master, she has spent an increasing amount of time with the three of us. Not really playing per say, but rather watching as her two daughters enjoyed their playtime.

But even now as the lady has asked the three of us to join her for some tea, a tea party as Ivy insists on calling it, the cold sweat still creeps up my spine, reminding me of my past actions behind her back that to this day still haunt me.

“Mummy, can we please go to the fair?” Lilly asked hopeful as she munched on her little cake in between sips of tea.

“There’s a fair?” the lady asked in a conversational manner. “Elizabeth, have you heard of this supposed fair?”

Secretively I had actually hoped to attend the festivities there, wishing to enjoy at least a ride or two, or to even meet some of the people there that I hadn’t met with in such a long time. The annual fair was always a time of folly, something that everyone could enjoy, and oh did I enjoy it all the way to this day.

Unfortunately in my position, days off were not easy to come by. In fact, this position allowed less free time than the previous, virtually chaining me to the manor as I looked over the children, unable to take even a day of leave.

“Yes ma’am, it is an annual fair. There are rides and games and treats for all. Lots of activity for the entire family, I’m sure.” I answered honestly and probably a bit too longingly for my own good.

“May we please go?” Lilly whined and begged for her mother to allow it.

“Such absurdities and buffooneries are a waste of time, my dear. The two of you have an entire manor to play in, is that not enough?” she asked, dismissing her daughter’s pleads to go. “You must forgive me, Elizabeth.” she said as she suddenly turned to me, still sipping her tea as if the discussion was merely a passing topic. “I believe such traveling companies are dangerous and scheming, full of gypsies in search of easy money.”

“If I may be as bold as to say, ma’am, I have never witnessed any issues with the people operating the fair. They seem to be good, honest people, and I have always had fun there.”

“You have attended before?” she asked curious.

“I have. As a maid, we were allowed to spend an hour or two each time they visited.”

Lady Hiddleston audibly contemplated what I had said, pondering the situation. “And it is safe?”

“Yes, my lady.”

“Please let us go.” Lilly chimed in as she sensed her mother breaking her indifferent stance on the matter.

With a smile she finally agreed to her daughter’s request, assigning me to take them there after our tea. Both girls screamed and yelled out of excitement, as if it were their first time to attend such a fair. “Now, finish your tea and cakes, _then_ you may go.” said the lady in a strict manor as she sipped her tea with a hidden smile, trying to quiet down the girls.

“I hope you do not mind taking them there.” she whispered to me. “My husband repeatedly wishes to let them go out more, visit places and see new things.”

“I believe it is good to see one’s own surroundings, meet new people and places.” I said in agreement.

“That is exactly what he says as well. I just worry about them, is all. They are still so small and fragile, I’m afraid of letting them get away.”

The lady spoke quite emotionally about her children. No doubt was she in love with them, but I did sense a feeling of distance between her and the children.  She always seemed to watch them  with a sharp eye, stealing little smiles every time one of the children would laugh or do something funny or loveable, but not once had I ever actually seen her play with her own children or spend hours at a time with them. Well, not in the same sense as I spent time with them, at least.

“They are stronger than they look, ma’am. A little nic or bruise won’t stop them.” I said with a chuckle, referencing to the strong nature of both of the little girls.

“You sound like my husband. He’s always advising me to let them play and learn from their mistakes.” said she, agreeing to my opinion with a slight laugh.

Her reference to Thomas had not gone unnoticed by me. Curious as to know the well-being of her husband, my lover, I asked, “And how is Lord Hiddleston? Have you heard of him?” I tried to ask as conversationally and with as much normality as possible, trying to hide the excitement in my voice.

“He is well and in good health. Dear mama is ever so glad he decided to visit her. He has written me constantly over these past days, telling me about the news from London and our old friends.” I nodded, pretending to smile gladly that she was happy of his active writing and the positive news on the ill dowager. “He should be returning back any day now, thank goodness.”

“Well that is good news indeed. It will be pleasant to have a man in the house yet again.” I concurred while smiling pleasantly, but not for the reason she might believe.

“Yes, I agree. I really have missed him so these past days. However, it has been a pleasant change to just have us girls running the household.” the lady said in an amused manner as she leaned forward, smiling sweetly as she taped my folded hands playfully.

“Indeed, milady.”

*

*

*

“Elizabeth! You made it.” a happy voice surprised me from behind, making me turn around as I recognized the deep voice of the young man I had met a fortnight ago.

“Jacob? Hello, how are you?” I asked the young dashing man, who so kindly bowed his head as he greeted me with a kiss on the hand.

“Exceedingly better now that you have arrived.”

Both Lilly and Ivy, who I held by both hands, giggled as the man’s affectionate words made me shy away. “Why Jacob, you make me blush.”

“I beg you dear lady, do not hide your blushing, for such a beautiful and rosy blush will bring beauty to this drab day.” Jacob smiled a wide grin, laughing breathlessly as I grinned shyly at his complement.

“But the sun shines!” said I in response. “Surely it is a beautiful day as it is, even without the color of my cheeks?”

“My sweet Elizabeth, the day is pale compared to the color of your cheeks and the beauty of your smile.” A true romantic this fine fellow is, to be sure. In only one short moment he already had me speechless and wrapped around his little finger, shining affection without caring who was listening. “And speaking of beauties, who are these lovely young ladies?”

Both girls shied away as well, hiding their faces against my skirt as Jacob crouched down and greeted them. “This is Lilly and this is Ivy, Lord and Lady Hiddleston’s issue.”

“AH! So you are the two lucky lasses who get to spend their time with Elizabeth. You two should behave a little nicer so that others could have the chance to be governed and cared by her.” he joked, winking at me as he turned his gaze back to mine.

“Heavens, what are you implying sir?” I asked, curious as to what he meant.

The man slowly rose back up and faced me, towering over me as if a guardian. “I am implying, that I would cherish the time I had in your company. In fact, may I have the honor of being in your company on this fine day?” he asked. His expression so sincere was astounding and kind, so full of hope that I would agree to his humble request.

I contemplated in a teasing manner, even though I knew I could not deny him. I turned to the two girls on both of my sides, “What do you think?” I asked them, making them join in on the torment.

Both girls nodded and whispered their agreement, urging me to say yes. I winced, playing as if I was still unsure about whether or not to allow him to join us. “I’m afraid that our band of misfits is full as it is…”

“OH! You break my heart, sweet maiden.” he interjected dramatically, grasping at his chest as if dying. Both Lilly and Ivy laughed at his playfulness, enjoying the little game.

“Oh, well, since I do not receive pleasure breaking hearts, I suppose we could use a strong man to guard us in this treacherous maze of rides and games.”

Jacob bowed his thanks, dramatically reporting in for his duties as our guide and guardian. And once the dramatics were over, he offered his arm, which I grabbed without a doubt, and showed us some of the rides available for our pleasure.

“Lizzie? May we go on the carousel?” Lilly begged as she pulled my arm towards the spinning ride.

“I suppose so.” I said, allowing her to lead me as I held onto Ivy, Jacob following suit right behind her. “Have you ever ridden one of the horsies?” I asked her as she looked at the one of the horses, which was significantly much larger than her. Ivy shook her head, slightly scared at the colorful ride that just moments ago moved up and down but was now stilled to a halt. “Come on, my darling.” I said, lifting her up on top before I joined her, sitting right behind her as I held her safe and close. “Just keep a hold onto the pole. You will do fine.”

I turned my head to the side, watching as Jacob made sure that Lilly was safely seated on top of her own horse. The two made pleasant chitchat as we waited for the ride to start and I couldn’t help but notice the smile on Jacob’s face as he played around with Lilly, enjoying every second he shared with the excited child.

*

*

*

The girls were jumping for joy throughout the time we strolled around the fairground, riding the various rides and playing the games. I and the girls watched with a keen eye as Jacob tested the high striker, showing off his strength as the bell rang high on the meter. Lilly was more than a little taken with Jacob’s prowess and strength, slightly swooning at his ability to gain a good score.

But as the day slowly turned into evening and after all the rides had been ridden and sweets consumed, the time had finally come to end the festivities and return back to the manor. Jacob walked us back along the road to Kensington Lisle, listening intently as both girls excitedly told how much fun they had had on this festive day.

“So I gather it was a fun and enjoyable afternoon for all of you?” Jacob asked me as we stopped at the gate, saying our goodbyes. Both girls interjected with their happy tones and jumps, saying that they wished to do it again the next time the fair would return. “And you, Elisabeth? I hope the day was as enjoyable for you as it was for the girls?”

“I had a splendid time today. I thank you for keeping me company. It was the most fun I’ve had for quite a while.”

Jacob grinned and nodded, his eyes shining brightly as he was happy of the day’s conclusion. He held his cap in his hands as his eyes stared into mine. “The pleasure is all mine, miss. I am your humblest of servants. If you ever wish for something, do not hesitate to ask.”

Lilly abruptly tugged at my sleeve at my side, making me bend down as she wished for me to hear her. “Kiss him.” she attempted to whisper to me, but Jacob heard it, chuckling at her cuteness.

“Lilly, behave.” I scolded her out of slight embarrassment, blushing at her frankness.

“That’s alright, my dear.” Jacob said to Lilly with a wink. “Ladies do not kiss. However,” he turned back to me with a wide grin on his face. “I am no lady. So if you’ll permit me, kind lady…” he said, before kissing my cheek tenderly but with determination, stealing a peck from me unsuspectingly.

Both girls giggled excitedly at the surprise as I blushed brightly as a beetroot, slightly shying away at his bluntly expressed affection. I cleared my throat, silencing the loud laughter of the girls and trying to gather myself. “Yes, well, umm…” I tried to continue with my goodbye but failing miserably. “I-I must get the children back inside. Thank you for keeping us company Jacob.”

“Not at all.” said he with his warm smile and placed his cap back on. “Good evening.”

“Good evening.” the three of us responded in unison as we walked through the gate and entered the grounds of Kensington Lisle, walking along the winding road with both girls on each side, leaving Jacob behind on the other side.

I could not help but sense the unmistakable feeling of being watched. “What?” I asked both girls as I looked from one side to the other and saw wide grins on their faces as they looked up at me. But neither of them dared to say a word. I knew of course what they were smiling about, but dared not to start a conversation about it.

“Look! Daddy’s back!” Ivy screamed as she saw her father’s carriage stand in front of the manor. Both Ivy and Lilly immediately let go of my hands and started running towards the front door, searching for their father that had returned suddenly.

“Ivy! Lilly! Please don’t run!” I shouted, trying to catch them as we neared the house.

As we entered through the front door, the lobby was jam-packed with luggage and chests, verifying that he truly had returned back, and with quite a lot of extra luggage. There was light shining from the sitting room accompanied by chatting, which immediately attracted both girls and subsequently chose to enter the room.

As we entered, we were met with three pairs of eyes. Lady Hiddleston, who sat on her favorite seat on the sofa; Thomas, who stood next to the fireplace; and an elderly lady, dressed in high fashion with pearls and silk gloves, sitting on one of the comfy armchairs.

“Daddy!” Ivy shouted as she galloped towards her father excitedly, Lilly following suit.

“Hello my lovelies.” he greeted them, picking little Ivy up on his arms and hugging both his girls. “I’ve missed you both.” he smiled lovingly with such devotion that could melt one’s heart.

I smiled at the beautiful sight of my love being reunited with his children, feeling relieved that he had retuned back home safely where he belongs.

“Elizabeth, did the three of you have fun at the fair?” my mistress asked, urgently pulling me away from the daydreaming that I shouldn’t have been experiencing at this very moment.

As I remembered my place, I turned to my mistress and gave her my report on our afternoon activities. “The girls had a wonderful time today, my lady.” Satisfied with my answer, Lady Hiddleston did not press any further, but instead turned her focus on her husband and the two girls.

“Look who has come to stay with us.” Lord Hiddleston said to his children, turning them to the elderly woman next to him, looking rather passive and grim as she sat still in her chair. “Say hello to grandmama.”

Both girls quieted down and greeted the dowager, succumbing to the critique of the elderly matriarch.

“I see that the young are in good health.” said the elderly dowager, looking both girls over. “A bit plump however.”

“They are healthy, mama.” answered lady Hiddleston in a pleasing manner. “They are getting more fit now that Elizabeth here is giving them plenty of exercise.” she pointed the dowager’s attention at me, which made me raise my guard up immediately.

“This is your new nanny, I gather?”

“Yes mama. She is godsend.” said my mistress.

The dowager looked me over just as keenly as her grandchildren, looking for anything to critique. “A skinny young thing.”

“But very valuable.” said Thomas. “Miss Elizabeth, how are you?” the words may have been simple and common to the ear, but his eyes and smile expressed so much more. His eyes seemed to spark with joy, for which I felt the same.

“I am well, sir.” I answered him, smiling as sweetly as I could without raising any suspicion. “Welcome back home.”

“Thank you, Elizabeth. It is great to be back.”

“Elizabeth,” the lady called out for me. “Will you please attend to the children’s needs. Feed them and bathe them, get them ready for bed.” she requested, shuffling the girls towards me after they finished greeting their grandmother. “I’m sure my husband and dear mama are absolutely tired after their trip.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

 

There she was, the main character of my dreams for the last two weeks, picking up the scattered toys left in the children’s playroom as the two girls slept in their shared bedroom next door. Her dark tendrils of hair from her bun swung back and forth as she picked up the scattered toys and placed them in the open toy chest in the middle of the room, completely focused on her chore as she did not hear me come in.

I found that moments like these were increasingly rare: these moments when there was no one else in the vicinity besides her and I, and I could just watch her as she gracefully moved. Every so often her hair would whip around one of her shoulders, extenuating her long, graceful neck that I so loved to kiss.

“Good evening, Elizabeth.” I called out for her in the empty room. She turned around in surprise, clutching her heart as I let myself be known in her presence.

“Thomas? My goodness…” she huffed, shaking as she stood.

“Forgive me, I did not mean to startle you.”

Elizabeth chuckled, smiling warmly back at me as I walked closer to her. “Welcome back home.”

I took her in my arms and held her close to my chest, smelling the floral scent of hers as I caressed her hair. Her arms embraced my back with gentle determination, something I had missed and longed for.

“I missed you.” I whispered against her as she nuzzled closer to my chest.

“And I you.” she replied, looking up in to my eyes as she ended her embrace.

But her loving demeanor was only temporary. I soon found myself the victim of her incessant slapping, raising my arms to shield myself as she targeted my chest with fury.

“Elizabeth? Stop.” I begged, trying to keep my tone down as to not raise anyone’s interest. “What are you doing?”

“Not a single letter. Nothing.” she complained, continuing with her abuse as I tried to get a hold of her arms. “Not one word for a fortnight.”

“Twelve days, my love. Not quite a fortnight.” I countered cheekily with a laugh, which probably was not the best course of action as it only seemed to fuel her anger. As I finally managed to restrain her arms, she calmed down, huffing her labored breath as she scowled at me menacingly.

“Why didn’t you write to me?” she asked, still trying to remove herself from my firm grip.

“How would it have looked if two letters bearing the same handwriting where to be delivered to two different people in the same household?”

Elizabeth lowered her eyes, seemingly understanding the potential reveal of our affair had I done as she wished. Nodding slightly, a slight blush crept onto her cheeks. “I am sorry. Of course, I understand.” said she in such an adorable way that warmed my heart.

I watched as she stood before me, resembling the same shy maid she was when I first met her. Quiet and reserved, she said nothing more, just waited in the darkness and quietness of the room we both stood idle in.

“I am sorry as well. Please do not be upset. Now we can be together again.” I lifted her chin up, trying to coerce her to smile as I caressed her cheek. The lady smiled, finally warming up to let me back in. “Now there’s that smile I was searching for.”

Elizabeth giggled as she permitted me to kiss her, reminding her that I still found her absolutely irresistible. “Thomas, we cannot do this here.” she whispered as I lavished her neck with kisses.

“I’m afraid that my own desire does not listen to such phrases, my dear.” I answered her, continuing with my keen attention to her tiny body. “The children are fast asleep in the joining room, are they not?”

“Aye, but what about the rest of the household? Surely they will find out?”

“Not if we keep quiet.”

* * *

 

“This is a dangerous game you play, Thomas.” I said to him as a warning, trying to calm his lustful hands that wished to roam all over me. 

Both he and I knew that if he were to continue with such affection, I would inevitably allow him to have his way with me. I was completely and utterly his and would do anything he wished for. So deeply had I fallen into his clutches, that I was willing to allow him his game. But his hands, his mouth were oh so blissful and could not be ignored.  

“But that makes it so much more exciting.” he sneered, holding onto my jaw as he kissed my lips. “Please do not turn me away. Each of my lonely nights were spent fantasizing about you, my darling.”

How could I say no to his lovely advances? With such determination and want in his hasty kisses, I succumbed freely to his will and his pleasure.

Thomas lifted me up by my thighs and carried me to the round table in the room, the one where the children would draw their pictures and play their little games on. There I sat as Thomas stood in-between my spread legs, furthering his way to the prize he wished for, lifting up my skirt and ripping my undergarments away, while still keenly focusing on my lips as I opened his trousers with just as much vigor.

His face was a picture of divine bliss if I ever saw one. His jaw was slacked and eyes hooded as he pushed into me, holding onto my thigh and caressing my back with his large and delicate hand. His breath quickly became labored as his hips sped up, huffing against my own lips with a lustful smile.

I could feel the tension beginning in my abdomen as I held on to Thomas, begging him to not stop the pleasure he was bestowing onto me. With my head resting over his shoulder, my hands crumpled his jacket as I tried my best to not make a sound. But it was all useless though.

“You are moaning, Elizabeth. You must keep quiet lest we be found out.” Thomas whispered as he pulled his head back and looked into my eyes, bearing a strained face and a sheen of sweat on his forehead. I could see the same conflict in his eyes that I felt myself. He too wanted to moan and scream the wonderful and erotic pleasure he felt, to bond in other ways than just with sexual organs. But alas, this was definitely not the right time and place to do so.

“I’m trying my love, but I can’t help it.” I whispered back to him, breathing in deeply to suppress the need to cry and moan.

I placed my head back against his shoulder and kept my mouth securely against him, hopeful to diminish or suppress the sounds I could not seize. But it may have been too late for that.

“Thomas!” I whispered in haste, tapping his shoulder to catch his attention. “I hear footsteps behind the door.”

Thomas immediately stopped his thrusting but did not pull out. Instead, he turned his head and looked over his shoulder at the closed door he had entered through earlier. The creaking of the hallway flooring and the shadows disrupting the light underneath the door confirmed that someone was indeed walking along the corridor and very close to the door, possibly curious about the sounds emitting from this room.

“Did you lock the door when you entered in?” I asked him. I could feel the rush of my blood coursing through my veins, cold sweat creeping up my spine as I waited terrified of what was to happen.

“That door has no lock.” he answered as he turned back to me, his face masking the picture of pure horror.

The creaking sound came closer and closer to the door, the size of the shadow only getting larger.

Thomas pulled away from me as I scooted off the table, both of us fixing our clothes to their natural state. “You cannot be seen here.” I told him as I fixed my skirt, trying to hide the ripped undergarments he had torn under my skirt. “Quickly, go into the children’s bedroom.” I said, pushing him to the other door in the room that led to the joining room where the children slept.

Not five seconds later, the dowager entered the dark room through the door, revealing that it was her who walked along the creaky hallway.

“Good evening, ma’am.” I greeted her, holding my legs tightly closed as to not let the ripped undergarments fall onto the floor and be revealed.

The dowager looked around the room, seemingly searching for someone. “Are you alone in here, girl? I thought I heard noise coming from this very room.”

“I’m sorry ma’am. It was I. I was singing to myself as I was tidying up after the children.”

I could hear the pulse banging behind my ears as the dowager stared at me with a cold stare, her blue eyes like piercing ice that could kill. “The children are asleep in the next room, are they not?” she asked, clearly knowing the answer to her question.

“Indeed they are, ma’am.”

“Do you think it is wise to sing while the children try to sleep in the very next room? Do you not think they need their uninterrupted sleep?”

“Of course, ma’am. My apologies, ma’am. I will stop singing right away.”

The elderly lady gave me a scowling look and a hum of disdain as I nodded and apologized, groveling for her forgiveness as I wished to get rid of her. The lady looked around once more as I stood with my head bowed and hands folded in front of my skirt, just waiting for her to finish her examining.

Content with what she saw in the room, the dowager left me alone, closing the door with her as she left. I sighed, relieved that the coast was clear and that our secret was still kept hidden.

I returned to the door that Thomas had entered through, allowing him to return back.

“Is everything alright?” he asked as he entered the room, closing the door behind him as he looked around the room.

At that very moment I had no hold of my own emotions. My blood boiled and I was furious.

I answered Thomas’ question with a firm slap on his left cheek, leaving behind a slight reddish hue. “Everything is certainly not alright.” I said, furious with this whole ordeal. “You knew that there was no lock on that door, and still you insisted on making love?”

“Elizabeth I –“ he began but I stopped him with another slap. Thomas winced at the pain I caused on his face, rubbing his cheek with his fingertips as he looked at me with a scowl.

“Your mother was this close to finding out about us. I could lose my livelihood, Thomas.”

“Elizabeth, you are being hysterical. Calm down.” he said with a carefree giggle, clearly not seeing the gravity of the situation.

But I would not calm down. The fact that we were nearly found out and that he found it amusing, set me on fire. I slapped him again, this time leaving a bright red mark.

Thomas was now visibly angry at the abuse I targeted on him, but as far as I was concerned, he deserved more. “Elizabeth, I do not appreciate you slapping me.”  

“You knew that door had no lock!” I accused him.

Thomas looked down onto me with fiery eyes, furious himself about the rapid downward spiral of our conversation. “So did you!”

I looked at him absolutely stunned and incapable of forming a single word anymore. His chest rose up and down with labored breath, his mouth a stiff line, intimidating as can be.

“You as well knew perfectly well, that that door does not have a lock, yet you allowed me to make love to you regardless.”

“I-I…” I tried to rebut him, but could not form anything to say as he towered over me intimidatingly.

“Do not play games with me, Elizabeth. You are just as much responsible for your actions as I am of mine. You cannot blame everything on me. You wanted this as much as I did.”

He was right. Much to my own shame, he was absolutely right. I had allowed him to take this risk and participated in it myself, and now we were nearly caught.

“You’re right. I am to blame as well.” I agreed with a nod.

I backed away from his towering stance and now slightly less furious gaze, lowering my head as to not let him look at me directly any longer. This disgusting feeling of my own propriety, or lack thereof, shamed me to my very core as I now understood the trade I had made. Whilst I was promised love and affection, which was something I hadn’t looked for but secretly wished, I would never had believed what I had to give in return was so much more. My own self-esteem, my conscience and my honor were all heavy prices that I had willingly chosen to trade.

“I am such a fool.” I whispered, realizing how my actions have turned around against me, horrifying my very soul as if I were an outsider looking into this messy situation. “I should have never agreed to this.”

“What are you talking about?” Thomas asked confused, not understanding the internal conflict and downfall of my own emotions.

I turned back to the man I had fallen so foolishly in love with. “I should have never agreed to this arrangement.”

Thomas sighed, quickly lowering the fiery behavior he possessed only a moment ago. “It was just a scare, Elizabeth. We’ll be more careful next time.” said he, trying to comfort me on what had happened. “This is nothing to get over-emotional over.”

“No it’s…” I sighed, unsure on how to continue with this grueling task. “I should have never agreed to be yours in the first place.”

Thomas stared at me stunned, confused at what I had just said. “What do you mean?”

“I-I-I cannot be yours any longer. Forgive me.”

* * *

 

I watched as the tears quickly started to run down her cheeks. What kind of nonsense was she talking about? No longer mine? 

“I beg your pardon? I don’t understand. What do you mean you cannot be mine any longer?” I asked her, absolutely perplexed on what she had said and meant. “Of course you are mine. You are mine to love, to hold. You-you can’t just leave me and pretend that this never happened… That _we_ never happened.”

Elizabeth shook her head from side to side, denying everything. “I am sorry, but I cannot continue on like this.”

“Elizabeth, please be reasonable.” I begged her, walking closer to her but she would have none of it. “You are in shock and the surprise of such a close call is speaking, clouding your judgment.”

But each step I took towards her, she took a new step back. “No. No, I cannot allow myself to continue on like this. All of this must stop.”

“Elizabeth, please…” I begged, terrified at what she was saying and implying.

Was she truly ending this? Was she really willing to cast our love away on a count of one slight mishap? No. I will not allow it. I will not allow her to abandon me in such a cruel way. She is mine and I will not allow our happiness to be ended because of my slight carelessness.

“Elizabeth, I am sorry. Please stop with this nonsense. Please do not leave me alone. Do not make such a hasty decision.”

Elizabeth looked into my eyes once more and I could see such pain in her teary eyes. She slowly backed up to the door that led to the corridor and turned the handle, giving me one last look of her before she would abandon me, leaving me in the darkness she had rescued me from with her love.

“I am sorry Thomas…”


	11. Chapter 11

“Everything alright, love?” Anna asked in a whispering tone when my arm brushed against hers as I hurriedly ran away from the playroom, crying with heartbreak and misery as I left Thomas to tend for himself. Anna, my friend, so worried for my well-being stopped in her tracks to make sure everything was as it should be.

“I’m fine…” I answered her, trying to hold my tears back as I looked straight at the floor, trying hard to conceal the grief I felt. It was of course a lie what I had told to my dearest friend, but this was a secret I could not share with her no matter how much I loved her.

Anna did not push further, much to my relief, as I would only have had to lie even more about my state – something I really hoped that I wouldn’t have to do to her.

“Alright then. Have a good night.” said she as I walked away, leaving her standing in the middle of the corridor.

As the coast was clear with no one in sight, I ran quickly down the winding halls to my room, locking the door as I hid in the only place I felt safe in. By this time, my tears had soaked through the thin material of my blouse, now clinging to me as if a second skin as I completely broke down against the door. The pain I felt was the most excruciating feeling I had experienced in my life. And my hands… My hands shook wildly by their own accord, as if they were the hands of someone else’s.

How could I have been so careless? How could I allow myself to be manipulated by a man, to think that everything would turn out blissful between he and I? I can’t believe I have grown up to be such a foolish, ignorant girl, following the first man who promised me such affection.

But I can’t allow this to go on for any longer. To take the chance that everything will turn out eight while still living in the same household… This I cannot do. This decision had to be made. To me, this earth shattering, heart breaking decision could not be left unattended….

 

* * *

 

”Good morning, my love.” Caroline greeted me warmly as I entered the dining room on what appeared to be a more than slightly cloudy day, perfectly reflecting my own mood after the atrocious event between myself and Elizabeth the previous night. 

My mother, who sat across from Caroline, greeted me as well but with slightly less enthusiasm, desiring to nurse the coffee in her cup rather than continue with idle chit-chat. I greeted them both back and sat on my seat at the head of the table, quickly receiving my plate of breakfast by one of the servants.

“It is nearly a miracle you have joined us this early in the morning, my love. You came to bed quite late last night. Is everything alright?” said Caroline, affectionately taking a hold of my hand, smiling sweetly and as brightly as the orange drink in her glass.

“Yes, yes everything is fine. I had to deal with some business in my study. I hope I didn’t disturb your sleep once I came in?”

“Not in the least.”

I nodded, relieved that my presence did not affect her. “And you, mother?” I turned to my right. “Did you sleep well?”

“The bed is sufficient, thank you. Although, I do require new pillows that aren’t as flat.”

“I will look into it. Is everything else up to your standards?”

Mother lifted her napkin and padded the cloth to her upper lip, removing the slight leftover of her drink. “I would rather request a designer to visit, if I am to stay. The room is quite dated and I will not stand for such drab materials.”

“Of course. I will request someone to come over and see to your needs.”

Content with my answer, mother nodded her thanks with a slight mumble, something that I had witnessed countless times before and now assimilated with her, every time someone were to  mumble.

Soon Mr. Harrison joined us in the room in all his quiet yet very sufficient manner, and delivered me my morning paper and a stack of letters to my wife.

“It would seem that Prudence Johansson and her husband are expecting. Isn’t that wonderful news Thomas?” Caroline interrupted my reading with the news from our longtime friends from London.

“Marvelous. You must send our congratulations to the happy couple along with a small gift. This is their second child, is it not?” I asked as I still glanced at my paper, trying to continue with my reading.

“It is and oh have they prayed for this child.” Caroline folded the letter back inside the envelope, “Apparently they have tried to conceive for at least five years now.” she whispered in a hushed tone to mother, who sat across her.

“Caroline! That is not a suitable discussion to have with mother.”

“I can speak for myself, thank you.” mother said, dismissing my protest. “And how old is mrs. Johansson?”

“I believe she will be thirty come next October.”

“She is quite old, isn’t she?” Mother said in a conversational matter, not really asking but rather commenting, hinting negatively at the Johansson’s inability to conceive. Neither I nor Caroline dared to comment on the matter as I glanced over to her. We both found it courteous not to gossip on our dear friends. “And while we are on the subject, have the two of you discussed when you will be trying to conceive again?”

“I beg your pardon?!” I asked, stunned by her sudden and ludicrous question that she had no issue bringing up in casual conversation over breakfast.

Caroline looked at the two of us, surprised herself, but keenly waiting for mother and I to continue with the conversation.

“Well yes. Surely you will have to have a son to carry on the family name?” said she as if it were obvious.

“We have not discussed the possibility of having another child.” said Caroline, turning back to me to confirm her answer, before returning to mother with doubt in her eyes. “Do you think we should?” she asked mother.

“What do you mean you hadn’t discussed it?” she asked outraged, as if it were the only obvious course of action. “How else were you going to assure that the estate would be inherited by a direct line in the family? It is fairly certain that neither Lilly nor Ivy will have control over the estate once they are married. Everything would be owned and controlled by their husbands.”

With slight worry in her tone, Caroline turned back to me. “What do you think Thomas? Maybe we should consider it, since our position has changed over the summer.”

I was outraged, flabbergasted even. I could not listen to the two making such decision on my behalf, dictating the course of my future with no disregard to the state of mine and Caroline’s marriage. “This is not a suitable topic of discussion during breakfast.” I said with clear upset and removed myself from their company, immediately leaving the dining room in protest of such notions.

 

* * *

 

“You wish to leave? Why in heavens name?” said Lady Hiddleston as she tended to her green hanging plants in the conservatory. The lady wore an utterly dumbfounded look on her face as I stood next to the sitting area in the middle of the room. 

“My apologies for the inconvenience I may cause you, ma’am, but I do not think that I am qualified to continue with my tasks.”

“Don’t be absurd, Elizabeth.” she laughed, dismissing the whole notion and continued with the watering of her plants. “I have all the confidence in the world that you are more than able to look after the children.”

“I am sorry ma’am, but I must disagree. Please accept my resignation.”

The lady turned back towards me with quite a serious look about her this time. I could not place her expression, but she was either starting to feel rather agitated or concerned by the look of things. She put down her watering can and indicated me to sit on the small wicker loveseat I stood next to.

“What is the matter, my dear?” she asked as she sat next to me and smoothed out her skirt before laying her hands down. “From where does this sudden and unexpected decision come from?”

A cold sweat slowly crept up my spine as my mistress waited for my answer to her question. Of course I could not tell her the true reason for my request, seeing that my actions with her husband were immoral and offensive against God and state. I could not reveal the betrayal. My own shame would not permit me to it.

“I was offered a position elsewhere.” I told her, trying to act convincing.

Lady Hiddleston flinched in surprise as she heard my explanation, not expecting to hear such a thing. “A position elsewhere? In another family?”

“No ma’am. One of the shops in town. As a shopkeeper’s assistant.”

“One of the shops in town?” she asked in disbelief. “You would rather work at a shop?”

“If I may explain?” she nodded, allowing me to continue. “I was promised more time to myself and….”

“And what?”

“Well, there is a certain allure of having more freedom. Freedom to run my own household as I see fit. To decide for myself what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it.”

My mistress rose up from her spot, absolutely dumbfounded about the lie I had just woven. She paced back and forth as if trying to make sense of the whole thing.

“But you have plenty of freedom here, do you not? And you have meals made for you, clean clothes and linen, a cozy bedroom all to yourself… Everything one could ask for.”

“I apologize, ma’am. I did not mean to offend you or your wonderful home. It is not my place to say such things.”

“No no.” she sighed. “Forgive me. It is just, well… You have helped us a great deal, and I thought you and the children were all happy with this arrangement."

“The children are wonderful and such angels! I’ve enjoyed spending my time with them...”

“But it is not to your liking?”

“No! I did not say that!” I said, panicking slightly as I mixed up my words in distress.

“Well, we seem to be at an impasse.” she pondered out loud. There was an expression of mourning on her face mixed with slight panic. The lady rubbed her hands together nervously before she decided to sit back down next to me. “Oh won’t you please reconsider? Perhaps you are just feeling slightly under the weather?”

“I couldn’t possibly.“

“How about I offer you each Sunday off to yourself? Free from your tasks and the children. Free to do as you wish. How about that?” she insisted desperately.

What an odd offer. I do not know for certain her sudden expression of need for me, but yet, the offer was astoundingly alluring nevertheless. “Milady? I do not understand.”

The lady fell into a sort haze, coming up with suggestions and offers left and right as if she were trying to avoid a disaster by any means possible. “Yes! Sunday!” she said to herself, confirming the idea to be well and good. “The Lord’s day. That would be perfect. I am sure we could manage.“

“Ma’am, please I-“ I tried to explain but without avail. My lie had turned out to be quite useless in the presence of Lady Hiddleston’s desperation, something that I had not counted on as I came to see her this morning.

“Elizabeth, please! Think of the children! They are at such a fragile age, it would take them forever to get used to a new nanny after being so used to your company. I cannot afford to lose someone as valuable as you.”

What was I to do at this very moment? My lie had turned against me, and now I was responsible for disrupting the daily - or at least Sunday’s - operations. Not only that, but without her acceptance of my resignation, and the blackmailing of my own conscience about leaving the children, I felt as though I was left with only one choice. “Alright, milady. I will stay. For the children.”

Once my mistress and I agreed upon the new contract on my service to them, I was dismissed from my lady’s presence and now headed back up to continue with my activities with the children.

My mind reeled on how I would survive this life of anxiety; how will I deal with the unholy secret between I and Thomas? Will I ever be able to continue with my own life, even though I care for his children as if they were my own?

“Do not make a sound.” the low, grumbled voice  of the man in question said to me as he grabbed my arm forcefully, pulling me to one of the hidden broom closets that the maids used to keep their equipment in.

There we stood in relative darkness, with only a sliver of light coming through the crack of the jarred door. I could see Thomas’ calm and collected expression in the dark as he held me against the wall, keeping me quiet as he made sure there was no one around.

“Let me go.” I whispered to him sternly.

“No. We are not finished yet.” His calm expression turned into longing as he caressed my cheek and hair as I listened quietly to what he had to say. “I am sorry for what happened last night. I did not wish it to end as it did.”

“I do not care what you wished for.” I snapped, swatting his hands away from my face. “You will leave me alone!”

“I cannot!” said he, ignoring my swatting and returning his hands back to the sides of my face. “You are the one thing that brings me stability and reminds me that I too can love and be loved.”

“You have a wife who loves you! Go to her!” I insisted, trying hard to make him stop touching me.

“She had an affair!” he cried out with a tear in his eye, much to my surprise. “Please listen to me. Please understand.”

“What?” I asked, floored by the truth about him and his wife. Thomas finally seized to try and hold me as I stilled, now preferring to lean his hands against the wall behind me, trapping me in place as he leaned closer.

“She had an affair and betrayed me. I do not know if I can ever trust her again.” said he in a remorseful tone, sighing audibly. He rested his forehead against mine and I could not refuse his closeness as I mulled over the secret that had come out. The fighting, the screaming, everything that went on during the first few weeks after they moved in finally made sense. And his interest in me, his actions… now all was revealed and made sense to me.

“So I was nothing more than a way to get back at her?” I asked horrified as I saw the truth in his actions.

Thomas looked at me with a blank face, his tears seizing as he pulled back to face me. “No, of course not! Everything I said to you, what I felt towards you is real. Still is.”

“No, you-you used me.” my lips quivered at the realization. “You never cared for me.”

“That is not true! I do care for you! I want you, please believe me!”

I shook my head, absolutely disgusted of his behavior and how ignorant and foolish I had been. “You do not care for me. You have no regard to how I feel or what I think.”

“Of course I do. Lizzie, please do not twist my actions or words. Please do not cast me aside.”

“Then say it!” I demanded. I needed to hear the words come out of his lips, the exact words, otherwise I could not and would not believe him. “Say that you love me!”

Thomas stared at me with so much pain in his eyes, and yet, no matter how much he claimed to care for me, he remained silent.

“Say you love me!”

“I cannot.”

I nodded, relieved that the truth as I saw it was now out in the open. My own tears poured down my cheeks, my heart and soul crumbling to millions of tiny pieces that he now walked over. “The two of you deserve each other. Both of you are complete liars, with no disregard to what others may feel.”

“Lizzie, please, you must understand!” he begged, holding onto my arms as I tried to make my way as far as possible from him. “She is my wife and the mother of my children. I cannot utter such words to you, no matter how desperately I want to.”

“I do not believe you.” I said to him, pulling my arms away as I left him yet again in the dark. For me, this truly was the end. No longer do I care for him or what he has to say. “Go back to your bloody wife and leave me alone.” 

 

* * *

 

“I’ve been searching for you.” Caroline said as she walked next to me, her lace dress fluttering slightly in the soft breeze as if floating on water. The bench were I sat thinking had the most marvelous view of the garden and the small pond that lay downhill. Everything felt so calm and collected as I sat pondering, coming to grips with the end of my short love affair with Elizabeth. It seemed as though it was one of the few times I was able to actually think of her with clarity, to accept that no longer would she allow me near her or to be a part of her life.

But I suppose she was right. Maybe it was time to end this foolishness and return to Caroline, who so wished to make things right for us again.

I looked up towards her face as she stood still, looking down at me with a smile as she rubbed my shoulder gently. Her touch did not disgust me or upset me as it used to. Perhaps my own conscience was finally letting go of all the hurt and pain she had caused, and perhaps my own misbehavior behind her back started to weigh heavy on my mind, now that Elizabeth had turned her back to me. 

“I needed to clear my head.” I told her as my explanation for the disappearance after this morning.

“Is your head stuffed?” she joked with a slight giggle as she sat next to me on the small garden bench. I couldn’t help but turn towards her. Her attempts at joking had always been poor, but yet, very adorable. I shook my head with a breathy chuckle, entertained by her attempt to make me laugh. “Tell me, what is troubling you?”

“What makes you think I am troubled?”

“Do not try to fool me, Thomas. We have been married long enough for me to recognize when something is bothering you.” said she as she rested her head on her hand that now leaned against the back of the bench as she stared at me with her undivided attention. “Are you upset about this morning?”

I looked at her blankly but could not say a thing about the matter. Yes, it was a contributing factor on my melancholy mood this day, but it was Elizabeth that haunted me. However, since I did not care to reveal my now deceased affair with Elizabeth, I would play along with the matter in hand. Caroline knew by experience that my silence usually meant the affirmative, whether or not I liked the topic in question or not.

Caroline sighed at my silent answer, wincing as she rubbed her temple. “We must face facts, Thomas. Mama does have a compelling case.”

“Are we not happy enough with Lilly and Ivy?” I asked her, begging her not to listen to mother, who was indirectly placing ideas into her head.

“Of course we are happy with both girls, Thomas. But what of their future? What will become of them once you are gone and I wither to dust? When the girls are married, how will their husbands abuse what is left, once they have control over their inheritance?” said she compellingly. “A son _would_ assure their position and future, once he becomes your successor. And perhaps… Perhaps this would be the thing we need to begin our new life. To forget the past and create a better life for us.”

“I will not have my mother directing my life, Caroline. I am a grown man and I am too old for such disrespectful behavior.”

“Oh forget about mama, Thomas. This is between you and I, our marriage, our future and the future of our children.”

I stared at Caroline, really focusing on her serious face that at this moment, held such worry. “Do _you_ want a baby? Really?” I asked her, curious to hear her honest opinion on the matter.

“I do. My heart yearns for it.”

“And if it isn’t a boy? What then?”

“We will receive what God has planned for us. Whatever the case may be, we shall love whichever is bestowed upon us.” said she with sincerity, a soft, hopeful smile playing on her lips. “But I will pray for God to bless us with a son, every single day and night as the sun and moon rise.”

The seriousness of her tone could be heard from the subtle shakes of her breath as she said her words with sincerity. “Is this truly something you wish to do?”

Her offer, her suggestion was heartwarming. Even after all the lying and betrayal, arguing and conflict, she was for all intents and purposes, ready to make good on her word to fix this broken and disrupted marriage – in her own way of course.

“I want to make us happy again. To assure a future for our family. But only if you will do it with me.”

“Well obviously I would _have to_ be a part of it, otherwise it would be rather difficult to make a baby in the first place.” I teased, trying to dissipate the seriousness of the emotionally taxing situation.

“Cheeky ass.” she said, slapping my arm gently as she laughed with me. Her hand returned to my shoulder and slowly crept up to my hair, twirling the slight curls forming at the back with her finger – something she used to do when it was only her and I alone. “I miss talking to you, my love. We used to have such long and amusing conversations. Do you remember?”

“I do recall a few.” I smiled, remembering the long talks we used to have in front of the fireplace during the evenings, or the long walks we used to take as we courted. All the lovely memories flooded my mind and the happiness I felt with her filled my heart. “Would this make you happy, this child?”

“It would.” she said with a nodded.

With such a hopeful look on her face, I was inclined to agree to her proposal of trying to conceive once more. In truth, it could be possible that this suggestion, this baby, were to be the salvation of our marriage and our children’s future.  But most of all, even the idea of having a small child in our house, _my child_ , reminded me of my duties to my family and my rightful place in this household.

“If this is truly what you wish for us, for our family... Then I will agree to this. We shall try once more.”

*

*

*

“Caroline? What are you doing in there?” I asked as I folded the last of my clothes and readied myself for sleep, looking forward for a night of rest after such an emotionally draining day. Caroline, in all her strange behavior during the course of the evening, had locked herself in the bathing room for nearly thirty minutes now, causing some suspicion.

“I will be right out!” she yelled back through the door, but did not care to explain her odd behavior.

“Women… so obsessed with their vanity.” I mumbled to myself as I scooted under the covers and picked up the book I currently enjoyed reading.

And just like that, the door to the bath opened and Caroline walked out in her favorite silk robe I had purchased for her during my travels in the orient. Her long hair hung loose and over her shoulders, beautiful like water pouring down a waterfall. It was all very baffling, her sudden odd behavior, peaking my own curiosity to know what she was up to this time.

“Resting comfortably I see.” she said and walked across the room barefoot to stand next to where I sat reading. “I’ve got a surprise.”

Her irregular behavior and sudden change in dressing certainly caught me by surprise. I closed my book and placed it on top of my bedside table, now focusing solely on her curious conduct.

“What is the surprise?”

Caroline smiled a wicked grin at my unsuspecting self, slowly opening her robe to reveal a very suggestive and revealing corset, something that was certainly made to be viewed than to be worn for practicality. She was positively provocative of course, dressed impeccably to arouse any red-blooded man.

“Caroline, what is all this?” I asked her as I could not help but look at her titillating figure. For a woman who has birthed two children already, one must admit that she looked impeccable and quite seductive.

“Do you like it?” said she with a smile, twirling around to show every inch of her proud self. “It’s French. Not quite this season I’m afraid. I ordered it quite some time ago for a special occasion, but it is quite beautiful nevertheless, don’t you agree?”

“It is quite a sight. But what is the special occasion?”

Caroline smiled a wide, wicked grin and mounted me on the bed, straddling my hips and bringing her arms on either side of my head as she rested them on top of the wooden headboard.

“I’ve missed you.” she whispered in my ear, gently kissing the side of my face and below my ear. “It’s been so long, Thomas.” Her husky voice brought chills to my spine, making me sigh quietly as she kept with her teasing kisses and nips around my ear. “This business of conceiving, having a baby – your baby – has got me quite… impassioned.”

Her words, her tone, were all very convincing and wanton against my ear as I lay passive underneath her. Well, most of me anyway. I cannot lie that a part of me was specifically aroused by her promiscuous behavior. Yet her eagerness was quite disconcerting.

“Do you not think we should wait for a bit? Is this something we should be jumping into so soon?” I asked her, trying to calm her eager hands that now pawed against me as her mouth continued with its kisses. “This is all happening too fast.”

“No more waiting, my love.” she begged, impatiently opening the buttons of my pajama shirt. “Let me give you what I promised. Let me love you once more.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any comments and criticisms are very much appreciated.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a different chapter this time around, as it's written completely from the pov of Caroline. I wanted to show what she went through during the last chapter, and sort of try to demystify the sudden idea why having a baby is of such significance to her. Please let me know what you thought of the change in the comment box, thanks.

“Good morning, Lady Hiddleston.” the soft, timber voice of Mr. Harrison greeted me in the dining room as I entered. The man bowed as I greeted him back, kindly following me to the table to pull my seat out so I could sit down and enjoy my morning. “May I bring you some breakfast, milady?”

“Yes please, Mr. Harrison.” I answered to the kind man with a smile. “And perhaps a glass of orange juice?”

“Certainly, milady.” he responded, turning to one of the side tables that held the mounds of food waiting to be served.

Anna, one of our service maids, was there to help Harrison with my request for sustenance, quickly getting to and serving my drink, just in time to move away from the swinging door that was pushed by Mama as she walked in.

“Good morning, mama. I hope you had a good rest after the trip?”

Mama shuffled along the long dining table and sat right in front of me, looking every bit as the tired old woman I had remembered her to be. Her long gray hair was wrapped in a low bun, just above the nape of her neck; her eyes were tired, accompanied by the many wrinkles around her eyes that old age had bestowed upon her.

“There is no such thing as a good rest after a trip. Not for me at least.” said mama with a raspy voice as Anna helped her to her seat. I thanked Mr. Harrison as he brought me my breakfast, offering the same to tired mama as she shooed the girl helping her away.

“Is there anything I can do for you to make you feel more comfortable?” I offered her, hoping to please the elderly woman, for I knew that her behavior was clearly linked to her mood, and thus, wished for her to remain as pleased as possible.

“Well for starters, I would rather much like to have something to eat.” said she with a raised voice as she turned her head over her shoulder, trying to locate Mr. Harrison who rushed to complete her breakfast plate. “I am sure that I will inform you if and when I need anything, thank you Caroline.”

I smiled a wide grin, feeling rather detested by her attitude, but deciding to let her slightly rude answer pass by. Lord knows that it is better to let her comment pass than to risk escalating the conversation into an argument or quarrel over such a petty issue.  I for one have learned from that specific mistake.

“Such lovely weather today, isn’t it?” I asked her, hoping to strike at least a neutral conversation for the duration of our breakfast, trying to eliminate the growing uncomfortable silence in the room.

Mama raised her watch from her plate and looked out of the window, agreeing with only a hint of emotion, and then went on continuing with her breakfast, leaving me alone in the silence I so hated.

Fortunately for me, Thomas stepped inside the dining room with long strides, greeting Mr. Harrison in passing. “Good morning, my love.” I wished him as he sat next to me at the head of the table. “It is nearly a miracle you have joined us this early in the morning, my love.” I joked, referencing to his late arrival to bed, hoping to lift the grumpy mood he displayed to us this fine morning. I took ahold of his hand and gently rubbed my fingers against the back of his palm. “You came to bed quite late last night. Is everything alright?”

“Yes, yes everything is fine. I had to deal with some business in my study.” said he as he tasted the food on his plate that Anna had prepared for him. “I hope I didn’t disturb your sleep once I came in?”

“Not in the least.” I assured him, pulling my hand back to allow him to enjoy his breakfast.

Mr. Harrison soon joined back with us in the dining room, carrying the morning post on his little silver tray. He handed the morning paper to Thomas, and a stack of letters to me, in which I immediately found something quite interesting - a letter written by Prudence Johansson, my dearest friend that I had the good fortune to grow up with in London. I thanked Harrison for the delivery and dismissed him, assuring that we were all enjoying our breakfast and would be perfectly comfortable with only Anna in the room.

As he left, my own patience would not allow me to discard the letter for later. No, I was too eager to hear from Prudence, and to know what was going on in merry London.

 

_My dearest Caroline,_

_How have you been? It has been ages since we last met, and so much has happened since your departure to Kensington Lisle. I am happy to inform you, that I and my John have been blessed with glorious news: We are expecting a child! Oh how my heart is glad as I write to you, my dear. My heart bursts with joy at the notion that soon we will have another child to love and cherish. My greatest wish is that the good Lord wills us to have a healthy child - a strong child._

_Oh my dearest ally, how I wished that you were here in London to celebrate this joyous occasion. I truly long to speak with you in person after all these many months apart. Perhaps you and Thomas might find it agreeable to travel back to London and visit? We have so much to catch up on, my friend._

_With my dearest love and affection,_

_Prudence_

 

My heart jumped with amazement by my friend’s blessed news. I could feel the strain my cheeks endured as I smiled widely and with such happiness for her. I turned back to Thomas, who focused keenly on his morning reading. Too excited was I, that I could not keep this news a secret from him.

“It would seem that Prudence Johansson and her husband are expecting. Isn’t that wonderful news Thomas?”

“Marvelous. You must send our congratulations to the happy couple along with a small gift. This is their second child, is it not?” he responded, but not caring to lift his gaze from the paper.

I was slightly offended by his lack of attention, a bit surprised as well, due to the fact that both Prudence and John were close friends of ours. But rather than start fussing about, perhaps it is better to let him grovel in his moody morning spirit. Perhaps he shall be more interested and happy about the news later on.

I nodded happily, “It is and oh have they prayed for this child.” I answered, folding the delicate letter back into its envelope. Mama stared from across from me, looking slightly curious about the exciting news. I leaned slightly forwards, bending my head to whisper to her, “Apparently they have tried to conceive for at least five years now.”

Thomas immediately shot to attention as he heard my whisper, giving me a stern look of warning as if scolding me. “Caroline! That is not a suitable discussion to have with mother.”

“I can speak for myself, thank you.” mama interrupted Thomas as I sat silent, dismayed by the sudden scolding by my dear husband. Mama turned back to me as it was now Thomas who sat silent, holding back his tongue. “And how old is mrs. Johansson?”

“I believe she will be thirty come next October.”

Mama furrowed her brow in thought, “She is quite old, isn’t she?” she said with a slight hint of critique. With a sudden need to drink my juice to lessen the awkwardness, I glanced at Thomas, both of us silently cringing once we heard mama’s judgment on our friends. Yes, having a child at that age is quite dangerous and daunting, but knowing how they had issues the first time around, I suppose it is nearly a miracle that they were blessed with this one. “And while we are on the subject, have the two of you discussed when you will be trying to conceive again?”

I was completely flabbergasted by mama’s sudden and unexpected question that I nearly spat out the juice I had just sipped. With a slight cough, I turned with wide eyes to Thomas for guidance, as I did not know how or what to answer.

“I beg your pardon?!” said he with just as much disbelief as I felt in this situation. His hands fisted the white napkin that he had used to wipe his lips after drinking his coffee, his paper now long forgotten and laying on the ground as Thomas sat stiffly and alert in his seat.

“Well yes. Surely you will have to have a son to carry on the family name?”

I was completely floored by her statement about having more children. It was quite an intriguing thought, I cannot lie, however due to the recent mishaps in our marriage, this notion could prove to be somewhat problematic. “We have not discussed the possibility of having another child.” I responded perplexed, looking at Thomas to confirm my answer before returning my eyes to mama. “Do you think we should?”

Mama stared at us horrified, not believing what she was seeing and hearing. “What do you mean you hadn’t discussed it? How else were you going to assure that the estate would be inherited by a direct line in the family? It is fairly certain that neither Lilly nor Ivy will have control over the estate once they are married. Everything would be owned and controlled by their husbands.”

I found my own hands fidgeting under the table as I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat, not knowing how to respond to her less than friendly questioning. It was as if the two of us were being lectured and scolded by a priest or high official, telling us how to act or behave as if we were little children caught doing something foolish and wrong. Not in my wildest dreams had I even pondered the possibility of having more children after Lilly and Ivy.

It was true that our position had changed risen substantially for the better over the past six months, but any such concepts or thoughts about our increased wealth had been overshadowed by the troubling matters Thomas and I went through. But now that mama – that brilliant, logical and very clever woman – managed to rationalize the very reasons for expanding our little family, it all made sense now and the idea was quite alluring. I turned back to Thomas who sat looking at mama with wide, disbelieving eyes, his mouth opening and closing, but still managing to not say a word.  “What do you think Thomas? Maybe we should consider it, since our position has changed over the summer.”

Thomas turned his gaze from mama to me with a look of pure surprise and upset, slamming his palm against the table as he slammed his napkin down, rising up from his seat in a fit. “This is not a suitable topic of discussion during breakfast.” said he and removed himself from our company, leaving I and mama in the silent room.

“Oh, I hope we didn’t offend him.” I said as I looked at the very door Thomas had exited, feeling slightly guilty for his moody departure.

“Don’t you worry about him, he’ll be fine. He just seems to have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” said mama as she continued with her breakfast as if nothing had happened.

“But he didn’t finish his breakfast. Perhaps I should go and make sure he is well.”

Mama sighed slightly annoyed, clinking her glass against the china in front of her, purposefully catching my attention. “Oh leave him be. We have more important issues to discuss.”

More important issues to discuss? I looked at mama with confusion, not understanding what she had meant by that. “Pardon?”

Mama leaned forward and quite brashly placed her arms on top of the table, waving her hands in a come-hither fashion so she could grasp at my own hands, which she now held sturdily down against the table under her own hands.

“Now listen well, Caroline.” she started with quite a warning tone. Her usual indifferent appearance completely hidden from plain sight, now radiating a very dark and serious demeanor. Her still and dangerous eyes pierced mine as she looked straight at me, making sure I could not move away as she held my arms still. “It has been my life’s work to bring my son to where he is now. I have played this dangerous game of class, fortune and wits. I have endured years of lesser people receiving what should rightfully have been ours, and I will not have you be the one to destroy what we have now achieved and gained.”

Immensely terrified by her haunting and terrifying tone and implications, I tried to remove myself from her grasp, but all for naught. The tablecloth and candles that adorned the long table slid from their spots as I attempted to free myself from this scary and threatening situation.

“Mama, please let me go.” I asked her pleadingly, but found myself only being grasped harder.

“Silence, you insolent little girl. Do you not understand me?” she said, pulling my arms to her side of the table until my chest laid against the polished table. “You are responsible for the well-being and longevity of this family. Your goal in life is to assure that our family name will continue on with its course. But so far you have not succeeded in this. You have not lived up to what was expected of you.”

“Mama, please, you are hurting me.” I pleaded, feeling her fingers and nails digging into the skin of my arms, most assuredly leaving visible marks.

“You will assure that Thomas will have a son – a son that will carry on this glorious family line.” she continued. Such hellfire burned in her eyes as she talked to me with conviction. It terrified me. It terrified me to my very core. “I will not have any more petty bickering from you. Your little ‘indiscretion’ nearly cost this family everything, and I will not have you ruin what I have worked so hard to achieve.”

“Mama, please! You are asking too much.” I begged for her with tears falling down my eyes, hoping that she would soon stop her abuse. “I am trying my best to make everything as it was, but Thomas won’t touch me!”

“Then try harder. Do whatever it takes to get him on your good-side, or so help me, I will find someone who will.”

“Wh-what? I don’t understand.”

“You will do what you are expected to do, or I will send you back to your father for not living up to what was agreed upon. I am sure he will not react so kindly when he hears that his only daughter failed to create a proper heir.” she said with a slight smirk at the end of her warning.

Mama finally let go of my arms and leaned back against her chair, picking up her drink to finish her breakfast as if nothing had happened. Terrified by the sudden and wholly unexpected turn of character, I quickly got to my feet and fled from her presence, running to the conservatory to find solace.

My plants were sometimes the only things that could calm my nerves, helping me think things through and find solutions for any pressuring issues that seemed to weigh down on my conscience. I sat down on one of the chairs in the middle of the room, allowing myself a moment to cry alone and gather all my thoughts before trying to form a plan to save this pressing matter.

*

*

*

“Excuse me, ma’am? I wonder if I could speak with you for a moment?” I heard a soft voice call out for me from behind, distracting me from my plants that I absentmindedly pruned whilst focusing on this morning’s issues.

“Elizabeth? Yes, of course. What is on your mind? Are the children behaving?” I asked her, continuing with my pruning.

The young lady walked further into the room from the doorway she stood in, carefully approaching me as if a scared little kitten testing the waters. “I regretfully must announce the resignation of my position.” said she with a slight raspy voice that cracked in the middle of her sentence.

It was as if every nuisance and misfortune were to happen all at once. First mama with her threats and warnings, and now Elizabeth wished to leave? And it wasn’t even noon yet…

I decided to discard my pruning shears onto the table and switch to the watering can, finding it to be a much safer and steadier alternative for my mind’s own stability. Obviously the news that Elizabeth wished to leave our household couldn’t have arrived at a much worse time. But, as I had to remind myself, one must always keep their posture presentable in every situation, especially before a member of the staff. I turned to young Elizabeth, expecting her to continue with an explanation. “You wish to leave? Why in heavens name?”

“My apologies for the inconvenience I may cause you, ma’am, but I do not think that I am qualified to continue with my tasks.”

Such a silly notion, this girl had thought of. Yes, she lacked the proper education and teachings of the art of childcare, but she certainly knew how to keep the children in line and well out of mine and Thomas’ feet, which was certainly an improvement to the chaos that ensued when we first moved in. With a laugh I assured her of her skills, “Don’t be absurd, Elizabeth. I have all the confidence in the world that you are more than able to look after the children.”

“I am sorry ma’am, but I must disagree. Please accept my resignation.”

As lovely and courteous as she was, Elizabeth was surely testing my patience at this precise moment. I lowered the watering can in my hands and instructed her to sit down, trying to find out the reason for her wanting to leave.

“What is the matter, my dear? From where does this sudden and unexpected decision come from?”

Elizabeth grasped at her own fingers that shook slightly against her lap, clearly hiding something, but was too scared to tell me. “I was offered a position elsewhere.”

“A position elsewhere? In another family?” I asked surprised. I wasn’t aware that there were other families of higher class around these parts. I must admit, a slight panic set off inside me. She was a good nanny, surely, and I definitely was not prepared to let her go – much less to another family.

Elizabeth shook her head slightly, “No ma’am. One of the shops in town. As a shopkeeper’s assistant.”

“One of the shops in town?” I repeated in disbelief, not understanding why anyone would rather work at a shop instead of a manor. “You would rather work at a shop?”

“If I may explain?” she asked with a slight tremble in her voice, slightly too scared to continue on her own. “I was promised more time to myself and….”

“And what?”

“Well, there is a certain allure of having more freedom. Freedom to run my own household as I see fit. To decide for myself what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it.”

No. This was definitely something that I could not deal with at this moment. Between attempting to make things right again between Thomas and I, and heeding mama’s warnings, I cannot even begin to start processing the monumental task of finding this household another nanny. No! This would not do at all.

I rose up from my seat beside her, trying to find the perfect words to try and tempt her to stay at least for a little while longer. “But you have plenty of freedom here, do you not? And you have meals made for you, clean clothes and linen, a cozy bedroom all to yourself… Everything one could ask for.”

“I apologize, ma’am. I did not mean to offend you or your wonderful home. It is not my place to say such things.”

“No no. Forgive me. It is just, well… You have helped us a great deal, and I thought you and the children were all happy with this arrangement.”

The young lady immediately panicked, shaking her head vigorously from side to side. “The children are wonderful and such angels! I’ve enjoyed spending my time with them...”

“But it is not to your liking?”

“No! I did not say that!” she said hastily, clearly stumbling at her own words.

She was indeed a sweet little thing, but so easily manipulated and flustered. Still, I wished that she could stay, for I found her to be a valuable asset in our everyday lives. I wasn’t quite ready to let her go yet. “Well, we seem to be at an impasse. Oh won’t you please reconsider? Perhaps you are just feeling slightly under the weather?”

“I couldn’t possibly.“

Perhaps there was something I could do that would sweeten the pot for her. Something that would make her forget this nonsense and stay for at least a while longer. “How about I offer you each Sunday off to yourself? Free from your tasks and the children. Free to do as you wish. How about that?”

“Milady? I do not understand.”

“Yes! Sunday! The Lord’s day. That would be perfect. I am sure we could manage.“

“Ma’am, please I-“

“Elizabeth, please! Think of the children! They are at such a fragile age, it would take them forever to get used to a new nanny after being so used to your company. I cannot afford to lose someone as valuable as you.”

The nanny clearly softened once I brought up the children. So easy to mold and entice was she, that my young self would have enjoyed manipulating her immensely just for laughs. Elizabeth nodded slightly, slowly agreeing to the offer. “Alright, milady. I will stay. For the children.”

I was pleased to hear her agree to my proposal. It was quite unheard of that people in service would be allowed such a luxury, but I suppose this was one that I could easily afford.

Elizabeth bowed as I dismissed her, going about and returning to her daily chores as I decided to sit down. I could feel the massive headache creeping upon me as I rested my weary head on top of my hand, trying to sort out everything that was going on this day.

The troubling matter of having another child weighed heavily on my mind and soul. I knew that I was the one who could not deliver what was expected, but what I am most concerned now, is how am I going to turn this around? It is obvious that what mama said was true, but what about Thomas? Would he agree to this?

No, most likely. Based on how he acted during breakfast, he was not all that keen on the suggestion.

“Feeling tired, dearie?” I heard mama ask me as I rubbed the bridge of my nose, trying to calm the soreness inside my head.

I looked over to where she stood. “Not now, mama. I have a tremendous headache.” I replied, once again lowering my head down.

I could hear her walk past me and around, and soon felt her hands grasp my shoulders gently. I completely froze, too nervous and scared to say a thing as she leaned over me. “Have you pondered about our little discussion?” she asked with a sneer, taking delight out of my miserable state.

“Mama, you must realize this is something that the two of us must decide on. Thomas needs to want this two, and by the way he acted during breakfast, I am not so sure he agrees to this.”

“Oh pish-posh.” said she, waving her hand and dismissing the notion. “That boy wouldn’t know what he wanted if it slapped him in the face. Just convince him that this is the best course of action.”

“And how do you suppose I would convince him?” I leaned away, grimacing the way she so slickly tried to manipulate me into tricking Thomas.

“Oh I am sure you have your ways.” she said with a slight laugh, gently massaging my tense shoulders as she talked right next to my ear. “If I remember correctly, you were quite the little trickster and manipulator in your day.”

I slapped her hands away at the insult, giving her a warning look as she stared into my face with annoyance, slowly walking around and sitting down on one of the other wicker chairs.

“Now now, dearie. No need to be so feisty.” she smirked, “But I really must insist that you do your best to entice my son. I’m sure you still have at least some of your… feminine ways to catch his attention.”

*

*

*

“I’ve been searching for you.” I said to Thomas as I saw him sitting on one of the benches outside. I decided that if there ever was a moment to talk in complete privacy, then this would be it. His calm exterior looked promising. Yes, this would be the perfect time to convince him.

Thomas turned his head as he heard me and watched as I walked next to him along the cobblestone pathway with a slight smile. “I needed to clear my head.” he answered simply.

“Is your head stuffed?” I joked and sat next to him, gaining his attention which was a good first sign. “Tell me, what is troubling you?”

“What makes you think I am troubled?”

“Do not try to fool me, Thomas. We have been married long enough for me to recognize when something is bothering you. Are you upset about this morning?”

Thomas did not give me an answer to my question, but rather, stayed silent. This was a clear indication of the affirmatory, something I had quickly picked up about him all those years ago.

“We must face facts, Thomas. Mama does have a compelling case.” I tried to convince him, but by the slight grimace on his face, proved to be insufficient, much to my misery.

“Are we not happy enough with Lilly and Ivy?” he pleaded, furrowing his eyebrows in that special pleading way that always melted my heart. He seemed so tortured about the whole issue, and for the life of me, I could not understand why.

“Of course we are happy with both girls, Thomas. But what of their future? What will become of them once you are gone and I wither to dust? When the girls are married, how will their husbands abuse what is left, once they have control over their inheritance? A son _would_ assure their position and future, once he becomes your successor. And perhaps… Perhaps this would be the thing we need to begin our new life. To forget the past and create a better life for us.”

“I will not have my mother directing my life, Caroline. I am a grown man and I am too old for such disrespectful behavior.”

It burned me to keep the fact hidden, that it truly was his mother that orchestrated this whole situation. I agreed on the basic fact that this was the only way to assure our future, but I must agree, that this is absolutely the wrong way to go about this. But at the same time, I could not let mama take my husband and my children away from me. No. I had to see this through for the longevity and happiness of our family. And the only way to do so, is to make him believe this is a mutual decision. “Oh forget about mama, Thomas. This is between you and I, our marriage, our future and the future of our children.”

Thomas stared at me with such contemplation and uneasiness, clearly unsure of this whole ordeal. “Do _you_ want a baby? Really?”

“I do. My heart yearns for it.”

“And if it isn’t a boy? What then?” he asked, stopping my mind in it’s tracks.

That was indeed a good question, and one that I hadn’t considered beforehand. Mama would surely be very displeased if the baby turned out to be yet another girl. I pondered the possible repercussions of what might happen if things were to not go according to plan. Would she allow me to stay? Would she make me – make us- try again?

“We will receive what God has planned for us. Whatever the case may be, we shall love whichever is bestowed upon us.” I could not help but feel increasingly worried at the thought that the baby might not be what we had expected. My only hope is that the heavens would grant me my wish, so we could finally have what was expected from me. “But I will pray for God to bless us with a son, every single day and night as the sun and moon rise.”

Thomas nodded gently at my promise and devotion, listening carefully to the desperation in my voice. “Is this truly something you wish to do?”

“I want to make us happy again. To assure a future for our family. But only if you will do it with me.”

“Well obviously I would _have to_ be a part of it, otherwise it would be rather difficult to make a baby in the first place.” he joked, lessening the tension of the serious moment, which made me laugh.

“Cheeky ass.” I slapped his arm, enjoying the slightly naughty insinuation that only now had I realized I had missed so. “I miss talking to you, my love. We used to have such long and amusing conversations. Do you remember?”

“I do recall a few.” he replied with a smile, looking straight into my pleading eyes. “Would this make you happy, this child?”

“It would.”

Thomas sighed in contemplation, staring deeply into my eyes. And then, I could see it. The softness in him that I knew was still locked inside him. “If this is truly what you wish for us, for our family... Then I will agree to this. We shall try once more.”

*

*

*

“Ma’am, I’m afraid to pull it any tighter.” Anna pleaded with a worry as she held the strings of my corset taught. “I do not want to hurt you.”

“Just a little more.” I insisted as I looked at myself in the mirror of the bathing room. The French corset that I had purchased over a year ago proved to be quite figure flattering, and I for one was going for the full effect. “Anna my dear, ‘tis not easy being a woman, much less a mother of two, but there are sacrifices that need to be made in order to reach results.”

I held onto the sink as she listened to my advice, pulling the strings even tighter. The blasted thing was indeed a tight fit, which I hoped I wouldn’t have to endure for a long time. “Yes. That is perfect, thank you Anna.” I thanked for her help as she tied the strings, a slight sheen of sweat appeared on both of our brows from the exertion. “Does everything look as it should?” I asked the tired girl as I obsessively turned around, trying to inspect every inch of the outfit I was going to present Thomas.

“I am sure Lord Hiddleston will find it most pleasing, ma’am.” she said with a slight curve of a smile, blushing like an innocent schoolgirl.

“That is what I am hoping for, my dear.”

I thanked her once again as I felt pleased with the outcome. I dismissed the young lady and went about finishing the final elements and essentials of my outfit before Thomas would arrive. I reached for my favorite silk robe that Thomas had brought back for me from his time in China, during our engagement. The beautiful robe brought back memories of the two of us lying in bed on lazy days when it was just the two of us, only to be long forgotten by recent mistakes and hardships. If only it were possible to return to such happy circumstances.

“Caroline? What are you doing in there?” I heard Thomas shout from behind the door. He must have decided to retire to bed earlier than expected. Fortunately, I was nearly ready myself.

“I will be right out!” I answered him, swiftly dressing the robe and fixing my hair, ready to begin my mission of temptation. With my hair loose and subtle hints of flowery scents here and there, I was ready and looking forward to seeing my husband.

I entered the room and immediately caught Thomas’ undivided attention as he stared at me wide-eyed from the bed. “Resting comfortably, I see.” I said, referencing to the way he sat against the headboard with a book on his lap. “I’ve got a surprise.”

Thomas closed his book and placed it onto his bedside table, taking the extra few seconds to look at my bare legs. “What is the surprise?” he asked expectantly with a curious look.

With a sudden burst of confidence, and a very powerful feeling of being in-control, I slowly opened the robe, revealing the slightly less than comfortable, albeit very gorgeous, corset.

“Caroline, what is all this?” he asked with a slight drop of his jaw, not expecting to see what I had underneath the robe.

I decided to revel in the feeling of him watching me so keenly. I had certainly missed his ogling eyes staring and enjoying my slight curves, so I decided to give him a slight twirl – to give him the whole picture. “Do you like it? It’s French. Not quite this season I’m afraid. I ordered it quite some time ago for a special occasion, but it is quite beautiful nevertheless, don’t you agree?”

Thomas nodded in silent agreement, looking at the intricate beading of the corset that hugged perfectly like a second skin. “It is quite a sight. But what is the special occasion?”

Feeling rather salacious that his eyes found me to be rather attractive by the way he could not stop staring at my figure, I grinned ever so wickedly and climbed on top of him, sitting right on top of his lap and leaning forwards, adoring the side of his face with kind, gentle kisses. “I’ve missed you. It’s been so long, Thomas.” I whispered to him, only to hear slight humming as I felt his throat tremble as I kissed his neck. “This business of conceiving, having a baby – your baby – has got me quite… impassioned.”

“Do you not think we should wait for a bit? Is this something we should be jumping into so soon?” he asked, interrupting the flow of my kisses. “This is all happening too fast.”

“No more waiting, my love.” I shushed him, continuing with my more than lovely task. I slowly opened his pajama shirt, revealing the slight tuft of hair on his chest. “Let me give you what I promised. Let me love you once more.” 


	13. Chapter 13

The morning sun shined brightly through the windows and into my lidded eyes as I lay comfortably in my bed. Realizing that I was once again awake and far away from my blissful dreamland, I sighed, cautiously opening my eyes to the new day. What transpired the previous night was something I wished not to deal with today, but fear that must be sorted through anyway.

I turned my head to the side and saw the target of my grievance laying calmly on her chest. Her subtle, deep breath made her loose hair shift ever so slightly, framing her beautiful face and hiding every worry she must have pent up inside her weary body. She was the spitting image of a content child in her quiet and calm state of relaxation, and I could not help but wonder if she truly as villainous as I had believed her to be.

I turned to my side, facing her, and gently brushed my fingertips against the cascading hair that hid her eyes. She truly was magnificent. She was everything a man could wish for. But yet, I could not help but feel the slight remnants of the heartbreak she had so viciously caused me. I know that this was something I must learn to forgive and forget, but I could not help but wonder: would she truly be the dutiful wife she promised to be, or would she yet again fall into temptation.

Caroline inhaled a deep breath and her eyelids blinked rapidly as she woke up from her slumber. Her peaceful rest and carefree body shifted, her eyes filling up with something that wasn’t quite as content as I initially had hoped for.

“Good morning.” I wished her as I stared at her with a slight smile, hoping to convey at least a slight apology through my greeting. But she would not have any of it. Caroline stared at me with slight bitterness and distaste, not saying a word edgewise. “Please don’t be sour, Caroline.” I begged her, instantly feeling the slight pang of guilt.

Caroline huffed and pushed herself up, sitting up as the sheet fell down onto her lap. “I do not wish to discuss about this.”

I followed her lead and sat up myself, feeling slightly worried of her dissatisfied state this early in the morning. “No, we must talk about this now. You must understand that this transition should be taken slower. We cannot rush into this.”

Caroline quite visibly expressed her frustration and annoyance, lifting both her arms in the air and grasping at invisible strings as if trying to catch a hold of the situation that slowly drove her mad. “I am confused.” said she with a huff. “First you agree to having a child, then once I take initiative, you embarrass me with rejection! I am outraged.”

Yes, the previous night did not go quite according to her initial plan, I suppose. She was without a doubt conveying her proposition in a very alluring and suggestive way that left little to the imagination, and I could not say that I wasn’t tempted by her presence, but one of us had to take control and think our situation through.

“I know. I’m sorry.” I apologized, trying to calm her down. “I suppose I’m slightly confused myself.”

Caroline sighed and rolled her eyes, scratching the back of her head as she tried to return to a calmer state of mind. “I just… do not understand. Everything I did excited you. I could feel you hard underneath me.” she pondered out loud, wondering where she went wrong in her seduction.

“Caroline, you were invigorating, and I admire you for trying to pick up where we left off. I am most appreciative, but we still need some time.” I assured her. Caroline stared at me as I kissed her forehead, “I promise that I will try harder to fix this marriage.”

 

* * *

 

The girls were positively lively as I decided that this would be the day that we’d try and learn how to crochet. Both girls seemed to find it enjoyable, although slightly difficult at first. Lilly especially seemed to get the hang of it quite fast and quickly formed an elaborate pattern and an ambitious state of mind.

We were soon interrupted with a slight knock on the open door to the playroom, as Anna shyly peeked in and entered the room. I smiled at the sight of my dear friend who I had not had a chance to spend any time with as of late.

I left the girls at their crocheting and greeted my friend with a sincere peck on the cheek. “Anna, how are you?”

“I’m well thank you. And you? I hope I’m not interrupting anything?” she said whispering, looking past my shoulder to see the girls hard at work.

I laughed as I followed her gaze, happy to see the girls merrily continuing with their task. “Oh no, you are not interrupting. I’m teaching them how to crochet.”

Anna nodded and entered the room, pointing subtly at the door to the girls’ bedroom so she could start the tidying of their beds. Feeling rather confident that the girls would manage, I followed Anna into the other room so I could have a moment with her and catch up.

“Are you well, dear?” Anna asked with slight worry in her tone as she began with the bedding. “You seem slightly worn out.”

“I suppose I’m a bit tired. I’m not that used to tending children. But nothing to worry about, I assure you.” I answered, not daring to tell her that things were definitely not well. My mind and spirit were more than a little ‘worn out’ due to the recent dissolution of Thomas’ and my relationship.

Anna nodded with a smile, seemingly happy to hear that there was nothing serious the matter. “OH!” she halted in her step with wide eyes, turning to me with a wide smirk. “I have gained the juiciest gossip!”

“Anna, you know what I’ve said about gossiping.”

“Yes yes, I know, but this involves the Lord and Lady.” said she excitedly.

I cannot say that I wasn’t interested in hearing what she had to say about the Lord and Lady, but my pride also warned me to not get involved. Unfortunately, with the help of my eager friend and slightly too weak sense of mind, I was compelled to hear her news.

“Last night Lady Hiddleston requested me to assist her with something quite lewd and risqué.” she whispered with a very mischievous smile.

My interest on the matter was certainly raised, and to my shame, felt the increasing need to find out more about this piece of information. “What did she want?” I asked her curiously.

“I was to help her dress in the most scandalous, amoral and vulgar clothing a lady would never dream of wearing. She looked like an absolute toffer.” she giggled with a dangerous smirk.

“Anna!” I gasped, absolutely aghast by what she had called our mistress. I immediately looked over my shoulder, making sure that the children did not hear the vicious name calling of their mother. “You cannot say that about the Lady!”

“Well that is what she looked like with her tight corset and long, bare legs.” she answered, beginning her work with the second bed.

This was definitely not something I had expected to transpire by what Thomas had revealed to me earlier, nor did I suspect the Lady to be of such scandalous character. Never would I have imagined that the calm and collected Lady would be so brash and daring.

“Was there a specific reason for such an outfit?” I was scared to ask my friend, for I knew that there are only limited reasons why any respectable woman would freely dress so unholy.

Anna turned her head as she continued with making the bed, smirking slyly as if it were obvious. Whatever remnants of love and affection for Thomas I had hidden away, were instantly shattered and crushed into tiny pieces as I imagined him dabbing his wife, so easily forgetting that only days prior, he was mine.

“I cannot listen to this disgust any longer.” I said to Anna, horrified by the heartbreaking imagery, quickly leaving her to her chores as I joined back to the girls and hoping to forget this unhappy chit-chat.

*

*

*

With our crocheting finished and our other activities of the morning done, we were all pleased to hear that both Lilly’s and Ivy’s long waited wishes to learn how to ride ponies had finally come true. Lord Hiddleston had managed to procure two horseback riding instructors, who gladly agreed to give both girls lessons for what was left of the summer. I of course was tasked to keep a watchful eye on the girls, even though the instructors were more than capable of dealing with these massive animals with the littles.

I watched entertained as the two girls had fun riding the animals, happy that they were in such a position which would allow them to experience such an opportunity and such fun. I leaned my arms on top of the wooden fence that went around the training area, which was a part of the estate.

“Good day, miss Elizabeth!” I heard the familiar deep voice of a certain young man behind me. The young man sat atop his cart, looking down at me with a generously wide smile as he tied the rains of his horse to the cart and climbed down to greet me.

“Young master Baker, how do you do?” I greeted Jacob as he stepped closer, looking every bit as lively as ever.

“The day seems instantly brighter after seeing you, Miss.” he answered, politely taking off his cap as he greeted me face to face. “You look positively fetching and radiant today. But pray tell, how are you?”

His more than eloquent compliment had me blushing like a young schoolgirl, catching me quite speechless due to flattery. “I am well, thank you Jacob. Today is the girls’ first time riding, so I am here to lookout for them.” I said, pointing behind me to show the girls immersed with their training.”

“Ah!” Jacob said as he watched the girls sitting atop the ponies, before turning back to me with a heartwarming smile. “’tis a good skill to have, I assure you. Very useful.”

I agreed to his statement, nodding and smiling. “And you, sir? Why do I have the pleasure of seeing you here today?”

“Father and I provide the horses with vegetables and fruit. The previous Lord of the estate had a fondness for horses and wished for them to be treated well. Apparently the current Lord shares this sentiment, as he has not yet terminated our agreement.”

“That IS very generous. What exactly do you have with you?” I asked, not really caring about the details, but still enjoying to hearing about his enthusiasm and the way he spoke with such spirit about his work. Jacob grasped gently at my arm and led me to the cart, tossing the thick blanket back that covered a wide load of carrots and apples.

I stared at Jacob as he smiled deeply, looking straight at the produce in his cart with proudness in his eyes. The young man looked across the pile of delicious apples, searching for the best one and generously handing me a very handsome specimen.

“Delicious!” I said with a loud crunch as I bit into the apple, making him laugh as I slightly stumbled with my words, my mouth filled with the sweet and juicy fruit. “I have an idea!” I said suddenly as I gained a fantastic thought. I un-tied my scarf and folded the sides, forming it into a makeshift bag. Understanding what I was attempting, Jacob half-filled the blanket with the produce and with an excited smile, shuffled around me towards the edge of the training area.

Jacob tied a knot on the makeshift bag and hung it on the side of the fence, calling out for the instructors to bring the ponies along with the girls, to where we stood watch. The girls were more than pleased to find out that Jacob had returned to keep us company.

“Hello dearies.” he greeted the girls before turning to the instructors. “I wonder if we could have a short interlude? I brought some treats for the animals.”

And before we knew it, both girls were sitting atop the fence, handing apples and carrots to the happy ponies, enjoying their time with Jacob just as much, if not more, as with their riding. Jacob and I laughed as we watched the ponies eat from the girls’ hands, leaving sticky palms and giggly faces.

“I think that is enough snacks for one day.” a booming voice interrupted our joyful time feeding the animals. “Perhaps the girls should continue with their training? That is what I’m paying you for, is it not?”

We all turned our heads back to Thomas as he stepped closer in a leisurely pace, his mouth a strict line as he chastised the two instructors who seemed to have fun with us. The two middle-aged men agreed to Thomas’ statement and apologized, quickly lifting both Lilly and Ivy back onto their ponies to continue with their training.

I frowned inwardly at being caught in this indiscretion, blushing slightly as my master did not seem one bit happy about the situation.

“I believe that you had orders to keep an eye on the girls as they _practice_ and _train_ , not sitting around eating and giggling.” said he, chastising my behavior and not living up to what was expected of me.

“My apologies, sir.” I said humbly, knowing fully well that this time was supposed to be spent on teaching the girls how to ride.

“Sir, we only stopped for a minute or two to just feed the animals.” Jacob insisted, trying to give an explanation to our slight distraction. “Please do not be too harsh.”

“When it comes to my children, my underlings and the waist of my time and finances, I shall be as harsh as I feel necessary, young man.” Thomas said in a strict manor which caused quite a bit of visible tension between the two.

Jacob stared at Thomas in the eye, silently protesting his strict attitude. Though, by the look on Jacobs face, he clearly held back his anger towards Thomas’ rudeness, which I suppose presented a great deal of control and nerve.

“Perhaps you should continue with your task, Jacob. I’m sure the horses and their attendants in the stables would be very glad to receive the produce.” I interjected, trying my best to dissolve the tension created in such a short amount of time.

The two men kept hard gazes at one another and neither would not move until I grabbed Jacob’s arm and led him back to his cart. I cannot say that Jacob seemed happy to leave this discussion unresolved, but he did immediately soften up as I accompanied him. Jacob took ahold of my hand and kissed it, apologizing for his behavior with a whisper and wishing me a good day, before climbing up atop his cart and continuing on with his task.

With a wave of my hand I said my farewells, wishing him a good luck with his chores.

 

* * *

 

After the bold young man had left, Lizzie walked back to the fence were just a moment ago she had leaned on, completely ignoring me as if I were only air. Perhaps I had been slightly brash and harsh on my comments, but I would not stand for other people’s meddling while my workforce attended to their tasks.

I stepped closer to where Lizzie stood, placing my hands on top of the fence, right next to hers so they were within touching distance. I so desired to hold her hand, or to even brush my fingertips against her’s. But I knew she would not allow it. Her demeanor, her stance was strict and alert, her eyes taking side glances at me every so often.

“If I may ask, sir, why do we have the honor of seeing you here today? I’m sure you must have more important business to attend to?” she asked passively as she watched straight ahead, which I found most amusing and adorable.

“Just… felt like having a slight stroll around the grounds, since it’s such a lovely day today.” I said, feeling quite amused by her way of ignoring me. “Actually, I found myself rather occupied in observing your merry socializing with young master Baker. I suspect he is rapidly gaining the most of your attention and becoming the central object of your interests as of late.”

Lizzie turned her head with a slight rise of her brow, before continuing with her ignoring of my presence. “I wonder, good sir, how and why does my attention towards Mr. Baker cause you so much grievance?”

I laughed at her outlandish and high perception of her importance. “You mistake my meaning, lady. Your attention is of no interest of mine.”

“I see. Perhaps one’s own intentions should be made clearer then? For the sake of not having more misinterpretations, one should perhaps speak their mind?” she suggested. I found it quite amusing that despite her words, there was a slight hint of bitterness in her voice that was unmistakable.

“How very charming. Very amusing, my dear.” I laughed. “Perhaps one should not think so highly of themselves, as to not create grandiose allusions of their outward appearance, which in fact, seems to be of such high interest for Mr. Baker.”

The little spitfire turned to me brashly, her face immediately stern and quite dissatisfied by my teasing attitude. “I assure you, Mr. Baker is a man of substance, and does not regard such trivial matters as appearances.”

I could not help but feel quite a bit satisfaction in her sudden temper towards me. I smirked at her hasty conduct, feeling gratification that she reacted so strongly at my words, for I wished and hoped that they were signs that she still valued my opinion. “And I assure you, Miss Elizabeth, that is exactly the one thing that he values of you.”

“Do not mistake his intentions!” she warned, her face contorting with anger and turning bright red.

I leaned down to her, my face only a few inches away from hers as I stared into her eyes. “Do not mistake that he is a man – a simple man, with the same intentions of any other red blooded male.”

Lizzie visibly huffed with anger, her chest rising and lowering rapidly but yet, she held her tongue in the near vicinity of the children as they passed us. Making sure that the children were not near any longer, she said, “You have offended me, sir. I damn the misfortune of ever meeting you. You are a scoundrel and no gentleman.”

“This is your opinion of me, is it?” I asked, feeling slightly worried now that my teasing of her has quite unintentionally escalated, and now feels such open hatred towards my person.

“It is. You have no honor or respect as you stand here insinuating that Jacob expresses such behavior or thoughts.”

I stared at Elizabeth with slight surprise, wondering if she truly did not see Mr. Baker’s obvious objectives. “Do you not honestly see his intentions? They are quite noticeable.”

“I do not know what you mean.” said she, still angry and irritable.

I could not help but laugh at her naiveté. She acted so innocent, which warmed my heart. “Oh my dear girl, he wants from you exactly what I do.”

“And what is that?”

I looked at her with the same adoration I never ceased to bestow her, no matter what either of us had said in the past. “I want You. Preferably lying on your back with your legs wide open.”

The sudden sting of her hand on my cheek was initially quite unexpected, but perhaps, somewhat justified. Perhaps I was too forward and let my jealousy get the best of me, but it was the truth. Over the course of these few days, after all the fighting the two of us went through, I still wanted her. I wanted her, both physically and spiritually. I adored her, but by God, I will not allow another man to touch her. Was it crude of me to use such language? Most definitely, but my intention was to make her realize, that Baker wanted nothing more of her, and thus protect her from him.

Elizabeth huffed a chocked breath and growled in frustration, stomping away from my presence to the other side of the training area, leaving me alone with my sore cheek. Perhaps that wasn’t quite the direction I should have taken with her.  

*

*

*

That very night, Lizzie did her best to ignore me every time we crossed paths. Whether she was taking the children to dinner or bathing them, she scouted me like a hawk. If it weren’t for the guilty feeling of offending her, her ignoring me would have been absolutely adorable and good sport. But for my own peace of mind and spirit, this needed to be sorted, and I felt as though I needed to apologize for my rude words and behavior.

I headed to the second floor landing, hoping that she would allow me a moment. As the creature of habit as she was, along with precisely scheduled activities for the children, I knew she would exit the children’s room precisely at quarter past seven, after tucking the girls in and reading them a nighttime story before they’d fall asleep. And just like clockwork, she opened the door from the children’s room and exited, halting in her step as I stared at her while waiting.

“Elizabeth.” I greeted her, but did not receive a response. “Might I have a word?”

Lizzie said nothing, but did not run away either. Instead, she slowly walked in front of me and with silence, waited for me to speak. She folded her arms and embraced herself, intrigued by what I had to say.

“About what transpired earlier, I wanted to apologize. It was wrong of me to use such foul language.”

Lizzie stood still, her face keeping the same look, not expressing any emotion whatsoever to what I had to say.

Much to my frustration, Mr. Harrison crept up behind me and interrupted my apology. “Forgive me, milord, but there is a gentleman at the door –“

“Harrison, this is not a good moment. Please tell the gentleman to call again during daylight hours.” I advised him most irritably, as both my train of thought and apology were cut unintentionally short.

Harrison cleared his throat and apologized profusely for the interruption, but did not leave. “My apologies, sir, but the gentleman is calling for Miss Davies.”

Both of us stared at Mr. Harrison with raised eyebrows, not expecting to hear such a thing. I turned back to Elizabeth as she stared back at me dumbfounded. “Are you expecting a gentleman-caller, Miss Davies?”

“Heavens no.” she mumbled, looking slightly worried.

“What should I tell him, sir?” Harrison asked expectantly.

“Well, go see who it is.” I told Lizzie so we could continue on with our interrupted conversation. “But do not make this a regular occurrence.”

I watched as the young lady shuffled down the stairs in haste, dashing straight to the front door. I excused Harrison and leaned my hands atop of the railing, having a clear view of the door from where I stood. And what I saw was completely unexpected.

“Miss Elizabeth, forgive me for the late visit.” said young master Baker as he stood at the door with a wide smile.

The young man was certainly daring for visiting MY house at such a late hour. This was unquestionably unacceptable. I would not tolerate such behavior. And oh how I wished to see what Elizabeth looked like at this very moment. If it weren’t for her back facing me...

“Jacob? What on earth are you doing here?” she asked in a hushed tone, but not quite quiet enough to hide it from me.

“Your scarf.” he said, handing the long garment to her. “You left it at the training area. I retrieved it for you, in case it were to be stolen or destroyed by the elements.”

I suppose Elizabeth could feel the burning heat of my gaze as I stared at her, for she turned her head back to look straight up towards were I stood. She gave me a look of pure distaste which turned into a mysterious smirk, before turning back to the young man.

Without saying a word, Elizabeth grabbed him by his cheeks and pulled his face towards her, shocking both him and I as she kissed his lips passionately. And this was no ordinary kiss. No. Her head shifted to the side and rolled like a gentle wave, clearly knowing what she was doing, and Baker seemed to enjoy his reward with just as much vigor as Lizzie was bestowing him.

My hatred and jealousy for both of them increased exponentially within seconds, my blood boiling to unbearable temperatures at the sight. I found my palms fisting the railings so tight that there were edge marks left as I released my hands. Not a single thought moved fluidly in my mind. I was, in nearly every sense of the word, going mad over this girl, and I could not deal with the emotions of her purposeful provocation.

I left the second floor landing and made my way up to the third floor, which held mine and Caroline’s bedroom. I entered the room, finding Caroline sitting in front of her vanity, brushing her hair.

“Everything alright, dear?” she asked startled as I came through, my body completely betraying me. My chest heaved with hated, revenge, outrage and hurt, and I felt as if nothing could stop me from my rampage.

Caroline stared at me with wide eyes as I strode over to her, picking her up from where she sat and hoisting her over my shoulder as I walked across the room.

“THOMAS?! What are you doing? Where are we going?” she asked startled.

I quickly swung her off of my shoulder and dropped her on our bed, making her bounce on the springy bed. “We are going to make a baby.”


	14. Chapter 14

“Good morning, my love.” I heard Caroline’s gentle voice wake me from my stirring sleep. I could feel the soft caresses of her fingertips as she traced them up and down my bare chest, gently scratching the slight patch of hair every so often. “You snored a bit last night,” she said as I turned my sleepy eyes to her, “I gather you had a good rest?” Her eyes reflected a tired but cheery disposition, which matched the blissfully contended smile she wore on her lips as if she were the proverbial cat who got the cream.

I rose slightly from where I lay, leaning on the back of my arms as I slowly attempted to wake up from my haze and gather everything in. “I did, thank you.” I replied to her with a sturdy nod, watching as she laid on her side with her head propped up on one arm. “I must have been more tired than I thought.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me.” she snickered as she raised her upper body, leaning on her hand to reach me for a slow kiss on the lips. “You were quite active last night. You surprised me.”

The memory of what occurred the previous night, and the motives that led to the surprising affair between her and I, immediately appeared in my mind after her reference. Much to my shame, only now do I realize the error in my judgment last night. My rage and jealousy caused by Elizabeth’s affections had me mad at the sight, and now I fear that my dalliance with Caroline has only made things worse.

Not only was I ashamed by my hurtful actions against Elizabeth’s love, I find myself guilty of raising false hope for a speedy recovery for Caroline and I, not to mention the promise of a new child for her. Caroline’s loving demeanor this very morning is solely based on my lies and jealous outbursts, which I felt as though I had no control over. 

 “Yes, well, erm… Perhaps we should get up then?” I suggested, trying to scoot away from the bed, but unfortunately, found that to be a rather difficult task as she flexed her leg on top of mine and didn’t seem to want to let me pass.

“Let’s spend the day here in bed.” said she, scooting over from her side of the bed to lay atop my chest, keeping me in my place in the warm bed.

“We cannot, I’m afraid. I have business that needs to be addressed to. And if I remember correctly, you said something about meeting with the florist about something or other?”

Caroline shook her head most ardently, “No no, that is tomorrow. Today is Sunday.” she said, dismissing the subject with a smile and a wave. Whether or not she knew that those were all excuses for me to exit this slightly uncomfortable situation, I could not say, but she certainly seemed content to keep me in bed with her nevertheless. Her lips trailed up and down my neck, not missing an inch as she took her time reveling in the slight haze of last night’s activities.

“Bugger, its Sunday!” she yelled out suddenly, hastily flinging the covers away as she jumped out of the warm bed to gather her clothes.

“What is it?” I asked her, surprised by the sudden halt on her advances.

“I must tend to the children. It’s nearly eleven o’clock and they must be famished by now.” said Caroline in a nervous and hasty manner, hopping about the room as if a rabbit.

“What on earth are you on about? The nanny will tend to their needs.”

Caroline flipped her hair as she danced about in her undergarments, trying to gather herself so she looked at least presentable. “No, we made an agreement that she would have Sundays off to herself. I’ve planned on trying to take care of the children myself.”

I stared at Caroline completely dismayed, feeling rather incredulous by what she had just revealed about her and Elizabeth’s little arrangement. “What? Why would you allow her Sundays off? I am the head of this household, why didn’t you consult me first?”

Caroline sighed visibly at my authority, pausing her desperate attempt to both speak and dress at the same time. “It was the only thing I could promise her in exchange for not leaving us.”

“What?” This was indeed intriguing and unexpected news. “I’m afraid I do not understand your meaning.”

“Come now, Thomas.” Caroline said as she continued her sad attempt at clothing herself. Her huffing quickly turning into panting as if she were running. “Elizabeth came to me a few days ago with tears pouring down her cheeks, wishing to end her service in our household. Obviously I could not let her go, so I offered her Sundays off to relax, to sort of entice her to not leave us nanny-less. Surely we can afford her one days rest?”

“She wished to leave us?” I asked, astonished and stupefied that she had gone behind my back and presented her resignation. Of course our relationship had taken a turn for the worse, but surely she wouldn’t take such drastic measures as to resign her post?

Caroline turned to her vanity mirror after completing her dressing up, fixing her hair up to a high bun. “That is what she said.” Caroline said absentmindedly. “However, she did seem quite conflicted and distraught. I’m afraid I do not know her true motivation for such a wish, but I suppose it is all settled now.”

“I see.” The pieces of the puzzle were slowly falling into place. Her sudden shift in behavior and request for resignation must have been the outcome of our heated spat in the closet. “Is this is to be a permanent arrangement?”

“For the time being, at least.”

“This is highly irregular, Caroline. I cannot believe you did not consult with me about this matter.” This was definitely not going as I had planned or wished for. This dispute with Elizabeth needs to be corrected, but the question remains: how? How could I persuade her to stay out of her own free will and not because of a bribe?

“I understand that, my darling, but to be honest, could we live without her?” she asked as she turned to me after finishing with her hair.

Without question, I agreed with her statement wholeheartedly. The mere idea of Elizabeth leaving us would leave me utterly distraught. “No, I suppose we couldn’t.”

* * *

 

The different, colorful beams of light made the most delicate and beautiful images against the stone covered wall as I entered the swiftly filling church on this beautiful Sunday morning. Old ladies in their lavish hats adorned with feathers and flowers, babbled and gossiped as they sat waiting in the Lord’s house. Mothers with their children and uninterested husbands all sat in front of the pulpit in their best attire, waiting for the vicar to begin with his sermon. I felt as though I was an outsider as I walked along the eager churchgoers, being stared at like a gypsy or an intruder as I did not recognize a single person here. Admittedly, it had been a long time since I last attended Sunday service, and my estrangement from the community only heightened my feelings of strangeness and loneliness.

The many odd looks of the older ladies and the leery stares of mothers intimidated me as I walked past them in search for a seat, but none shared a look of welcome, inviting me to share their bench as would be expected of good Christians. But fortunately, I soon managed to find a seat at the back of the building, finding solace at the nearly empty bench as I sat down quietly to enjoy my own personal space.

“Elizabeth?” I heard a whisper coming from the isle to my left. I turned to look at the one who called out to me, and I indeed saw a familiar face.

“Jacob?” I said, pleasantly surprised to find him here this morning. After what had transpired between he and I last night, I find myself at a loss for words now meeting him afterwards.

He on the other hand seemed rather pleased to find me here, gathered by his smile that seemed exceptionally more enthusiastic and cheerful than usual. “Have you come to enjoy the sermon, miss?” he asked, staring straight into my eyes without even a blink or a flinch, as if piercing my very soul to infiltrate it and spread his own joy which he displayed so unabashedly.

Out of curtesy I smiled widely, “Indeed I have. I’m told that the vicar is quite an avid messenger of the Lord, and his sermons are exemplary.”

“Indeed,” he said, “the sermons are very inspirational, and at the same time, do good for one’s soul. Mind if I join you?” he asked, pointing with his cap to the empty spot next to me.

“Please do.” I answered, moving my purse to the other side to make him space and let him sit with me.

“If you don’t mind me asking miss, how is it that you are able to attend church this fine morning? I was under the impression that people in your line of profession did not have much time to themselves.”

“Lady Hiddleston saw it befitting that I should have Sundays off.”

Jacob gasped slightly in merry wonderment, pleased by my mistress’ generosity. “That is mighty gracious of her. I must thank her on your behalf the next time we cross paths.”

“It is very generous of her, but why would you thank her?” I asked him, confused and curious about his exceptionally grateful words.

“Why my dear, this allows me to spend more time courting you, of course.” said he with a cheeky grin, which in turn, I could not help but smile and blush to. “So the first thing you decide on, on your free day, is to spend the morning in church, is it?” he asked, which truthfully sounded as if he could come up with a dozen better alternatives for the morning to be spent.

“Yes, well… Making up for lost time, I suppose.”

“I see.” said he with a sturdy nod.

The organist soon arrived to his station to play his instrument as we finished our chatting. I suspect Jacob could have continued further with our discussion had I allowed him, as it seemed as though he completely ignored the loud music that started playing. With a slight tap on his hand, I shushed him playfully, pointing to the vicar who slowly arrived to begin his lecture.   

As interesting as the vicar’s lesson was, Jacob did not seem to be all that interested in his own salvation. No, it was fairly obvious that his interests this afternoon lay elsewhere as I could not help but notice the many side glances he took towards my direction. I found myself quite flustered at his undivided attention as he kept turning his head towards me. No matter how hard I attempted to ignore the secret smile he had on his lips, I could not help but smile with him.

*

*

*

“Will this be a regular occurrence in the foreseeable future, Miss Elizabeth?” Jacob asked as he walked me out of the church and into the garden which held the many colorful flowers and bushes that framed the stone building. He offered his arm to me as we leisurely walked down the pebble road that led to the town square, enjoying the sunny day that we were blessed this glorious day.

“Beg your pardon?” I asked as I looked up to him, holding tightly onto his gentle but strong arm.

“What I mean is: will you be attending Sunday services in the future, or was this just a delightful anomaly?”

“Oh, no.” I chuckled. “I’m planning on attending as often as I am able to. I believe my soul could use a little salvation.”

“Well, I suppose going to church each Sunday just got more interesting for me.” said he with a grin that split his face. His eyes were warm with happiness and joy, which he did not shy away from revealing to me. He was quite beautiful as his auburn hair was neatly combed, and not a single patch of dirt was to be seen on his freshly washed skin or clothing. Not that I really minded his usual, slightly scruffy appearance. I suppose a little dirt and sweat were characteristics of his profession. And they certainly gave him an earthy quality about him.

“Elizabeth, if I may ask: about what happened last evening…”

His reminder of what had transpired the previous night had me embarrassed and slightly nervous as I now realize that my actions had been more than a little too frank. The sudden rush of heat on my face was clear evidence of my embarrassment, and I wished and hoped to God that he would grant me salvation from this awkward situation. I let go of his hand and much to my shame, cowered away, fleeing from his near vicinity. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have behaved so inappropriately. It was not ladylike at all.” I quickly stopped him from continuing any further. “I beg for your forgiveness.”

“My sweet Elizabeth, I beg you, do not apologize.” Jacob chuckled with a wide grin, trailing behind me with long strides to catch me. “I hope you do not find me to be too overzealous or direct, but it’s just that, well… I find you to be utterly enchanting. I couldn’t stop thinking about you after you kissed me.”

“Oh dear.” I sighed. While Jacob’s confession along with his obvious infatuation, was ever so sweet and gentle. Jacob is without a doubt such a lovely young man, the perfect suitor for a girl like me to ever wish for. Unfortunately, I’m afraid that my brash action to make Thomas jealous, has given Jacob the wrong impression, much to my own shame. “I am enormously flattered, Jacob, but I’m afraid you do not know me well enough to make such an impression of my character. I may not be as virtuous as you may think.” I said, turning slightly away from him as I could not face the inevitable heartbreak he will display once hearing my rejection. “Perhaps… perhaps you have only witnessed the calm and collected me.”

But much to my surprise, Jacob did not stand put, but walked around me and turned me around with his strong arms, making me face him as he stared straight into my eyes with a steady and longing gaze. “Do not judge me so! I happen to believe that there is so much more to you than what is seen from the first glance. You are kind and loving. I can see it whenever you mention the children you govern. Your eyes shine bright with happiness. Surely that is a sign of virtue?”

I begged him, “Please do not put me on a pedestal, Jacob. I will not live up to your expectations.”

“Oh my dear Elizabeth,” said he, taking a hold of my hands yet again, caressing and soothing them with his gentle fingers, “I only say what I see and feel in my heart. You are everything a man could dream of.”

I blushed at his complementing words, locking my fingers with his in a tight grip. “I am a lucky girl to have a friend such as you.”

“ _Just_ a friend?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, but his eyes reflected a hint of longing and hope to the contrary. He was sincere and truthful, unlike what Thomas had said earlier. Jacob was always the gentleman and never acted disrespectful or unkind around me. I was certain that his motives were not what Thomas had accused him of.

But still, I could not answer him. With nearly every fiber of my being, I wanted to say no to his question. But I was, as they say, damaged goods, spoiled by my own bad behavior and willingness to participate in Thomas’ seduction, which is why I could never amount to what Jacob may have envisioned me in his head. “Jacob, you are a good, honest man. I am not worthy of your affection. No matter how strong my feelings for you are.”

“May I decide for myself whether or not you are worthy?” he asked, lifting my chin so I could not cower away any longer. “Allow me to spend more time with you, and I will show you how much you deserve to be loved and cared for.

 

* * *

 

“Good evening, Miss Elizabeth,” I greeted her as I passed her on the stairwell on my way down. She gave me a look of dread as she stopped next to me. The tension in her neck and shoulders were visible, but yet, she did not care to say a word. “I gather you had a pleasant day today?” 

“Yes sir, most pleasant indeed.” she answered plain and simple, without much emotion.

I nodded with a smile, happy to hear that her day had been a success. On the contrary to what she may believe, her happiness was of course a very high priority to me. “That is very good to hear. But I was quite surprised to hear of this arrangement, to be quite honest. Lady Hiddleston told me that you came to her whilst under duress?”

I knew of course that our little tiff must have been the igniting factor for her decision to seek Caroline, but I was keen on hearing everything from her very lips. Unfortunately, it would seem that Elizabeth did not share this notion, as she quite clearly gridded her teeth with annoyance and leaned away from me, obviously wanting to remove herself from my presence. I cannot truthfully say that her dislike of me does not have a standing effect on me. No. Quite the contrary. Her hatred breaks my heart. I never wished for her to react so strongly to me, and I feel as though I am completely without knowledge on how to mend our broken relationship.

Elizabeth raised her chin up, bravely confirming what I had heard. “Yes, you heard correctly. To be honest, I am not sure whether or not I am suitable to work in this position any longer.”

This was of course an excuse. She knew perfectly well that her dominion over the children was effective and over all very harmonious. But still, even though she wished to leave earlier, she still decided to stay in this household. This intrigues me, and by God, I will find out her reasoning for this one way or another. “And what position would you be more suitable for, then? Would you rather return to being a maid?”

With a stiff upper lip, Elizabeth turned her head back to me with a blank, but somehow very determined, look. “I’m afraid that my interests of late have turned towards something different. Perhaps something in the lines of agriculture.”

The insinuation that she would be leaving us to go work at a farm –undoubtedly _his_ farm – maddened my very being. Whether or not she said these words in spite or whether they were true, I could not allow her say such things in my presence.

“You will stop this right now, Elizabeth.” I warned her in a hushed tone, grabbing her arm and walking her to one of the dark corridors so we could assuredly have privacy from wandering eyes and ears. “I will not have you making such threats.”

“YOU do not have a say in the matter.” said she as she removed her arm from my now gentle grip. “I am not your property and you cannot dictate what I choose to do with my life.”

I am beyond finished with all of this fighting and arguing in the shadows inside my own house. I’m tired of hearing her say such spiteful words, regardless of what I try to do or say to her. It is as if no matter how much I try to care for her, she only wishes me harm and pain, which only breaks my heart because I love her so. “Are you unhappy here?” I asked her seriously.

Elizabeth stared at me incredulously, as if she did not understand what I had asked her. “What?”

“I said: are you unhappy here? The children, the house, Caroline… me? Do you wish to rid yourself from all of this? Truly?”

Elizabeth stared with wide, confused eyes, “I- I don’t know.” said she with a stutter but soon broke down and whined, “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Oh my dear Elizabeth,” I sighed tiredly, feeling so very sorry for our situation and the lack of piece in her heart. “I am so very sorry that my presence causes you such grief, but the truth is… I don’t think I can live without you in my life. I am unable to leave you be, whilst you are so close to me.”

With a tear running down her cheek, Elizabeth chuckled sarcastically, staring down at the ground to hide her watering eyes, “With all your eloquent words, not once have you expressed your love to me.”

“That is not true!” I defended myself, slightly offended by her daring claim. “I gave you a part of me. I shared my feelings with you, my most intimate emotions –“

“That is not love!” she spat, visibly annoyed once again as she did not believe my words.

“It is! Trust, affection, intimacy, _that_ is love.” I assured her.

“And what about lying? Is that love as well? You lied to me about your wife –“

Without much of a thought, I slammed my palm against the wall, frustrated of her hurtful, ignorant accusation. “I told you that I was unhappy and felt alone. _That_ was not a lie.”

“You tricked me!” she insisted.

“I did not. I expressed my need for you, but I did not trick you nor did I force myself upon you. You wanted me out of your own free will just as much as I wanted you.”

“Because I loved you!”

“And I love you.” I pleaded her, “I. Love. You, Elizabeth, and I can’t bear the notion of you not living besides me, being the mother to my children that Caroline never wasn’t.”

Elizabeth’s tears poured down her cheeks in continuous streams, breaking my heart that I had once again brought such pain to her heart and mind. “But I would never be more than a mistress to you.” she whispered, leaning against the wall as she noticeably tired from the arguing between the two of us.

“Elizabeth, what am I supposed to do? I cannot divorce Caroline, it wouldn’t be right.”

“Yet you seem to have no issue with having a mistress.”

“Lots of men have mistresses these days.”

“Not honest ones.”

“Well I suppose we’ve already established that I am not an honest man.” I answered her sarcastically, but with truth. “Elizabeth, I am sorry for causing you this much pain.I truly am. I assure you it was not intentional. Please, I beg you, will you accept me as I am and be mine?”

Elizabeth shook her head as she kept crying, not daring to look at me as I tried to catch a glimpse of her eyes that stared down into the ground. “I can’t. It is not fair. It is not fair on me, on your wife, on Jacob –“

“DAMN THE FARMER!”

Elizabeth raised her eyes back to me as I reacted to the mention of her friend, scowling menacingly at me as I too hastily offended her friend. “That is not fair, Thomas. He is my friend.”

“He is in love with you.”

“And what? Your wife is in love with you. You cannot expect me to accept this double standard of yours.”

“I cannot have another man touch you.” I told her with a begging tone. The very notion disgusted me.

“And yet, last night you made love to your wife so loud, that it could be heard into the rest of the rooms in the building.” said she which halted me. Oh God, she knew. She knew what had happened between I and Caroline last night. With a final look of disgust and a shake of her head, Elizabeth walked away, not caring to look back. “Good night, sir.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So after "the big argument" in the last chapter, things take a turn for something a bit more calmer.

”Oh dear, there’s been another one.” Caroline murmured as she read her morning paper, her coffee now cold and long forgotten by the interesting piece of news she was so focused on.

“What has there been another of?” I asked as I sipped my own drink, slightly preoccupied myself with letters that needed my attention.

“Another girl has been murdered in the East End. A young one this time. They suspect that she is the newest victim in the Whitechapel murders.” she sighed worriedly as she flipped to the next page. “It is a good thing we left when we did, wasn’t it dear? We don’t have to live in fear of such horrendous violence and suspense.”

“Indeed.” I agreed. Actually, by the way the papers had been telling the story, the killer known as Jack the Ripper only appeared in the squalor that is the East End, clearly far away from where the upper classes would reside. Crime and poverty tend to walk hand in hand, so I suppose it is no wonder incidents like this happen in those parts. But I suppose I should not interfere with Caroline’s worrying. After all, she does have a tendency for slight dramatics. No, instead I focus my attention to the many letters of reply I have received from family and friends. Caroline insisted upon celebrating our first Christmas here in Kensington Lisle with quite a bit of pomp and circumstance. I suppose this is as good of a time as any to welcome everyone to the manor. Well, at least it would allow Caroline to rid herself from the need to show off her new home. Get it out of the way, as it were.

“Any news of Uncle Charles or Cousin Albert?” she asked with a curious smile, leaning slightly towards me to see the large stack of opened letters on the table.

“It would seem as though both parties will be attending your ball, along with the Johansson’s, Van Wilder’s and Cunningham’s.” I replied as I withdrew from my thoughts, shuffling the letters around absentmindedly. “Oh, and your parents will be arriving as well.”

“Marvelous.” she shrieked out excitedly, clearly trying hard to keep herself from bursting due to her enthusiasm. “Oh!” she squeaked suddenly. “Do make sure to situate the Cunningham’s as far away as possible from Cousin Albert. Sir Philip’s daughter is at a quite impressionable age at the moment, and well, we all know how Albert enjoys his drinks.”

“Quite right. I must remember to let Mr. Harrison and Mrs. Bell know of this arrangement.” I agreed to her sentiments. Albert was quite the young devil, that much was for sure, but there was no reason for the Cunningham’s to  lose their sixteen year old daughter to his wild, yet very charismatic and charming, antics. I handed over some of the letters to Caroline, so she could make a list for herself of the attendees, but she visibly shuddered as I reached her, catching me quite off guard. “Is everything alright?”

“It’s nothing.” she said as she tried to conceal it with a forced smile, bracing her other hand on the arm of her chair.

“Something is clearly the matter. What are you not telling me?” I insisted, as she had not showed any other symptoms of illness or anything otherwise before in my company.

“Well,” she said, leaning her back against the chair quite leisurely. “it’s just that… for the last few days I’ve been feeling rather under the weather.”

“Under the weather? Perhaps we should cancel the party?”

“No no. We will not cancel.” said she ardently.  “Just been quite tired lately. Perhaps it’s just the weather. Rain, drafts and all that. Probably a bit of indigestion.” she insisted, dismissing my suggestion. Although I suspect that she would not back away from this party even if she had the plague. The woman is hard as a rock when it comes to attendances like these.

“Are you sure? Perhaps if you tried eating, maybe you’d feel better?”

Caroline turned back to her nearly untouched plate of breakfast and sneered, disgusted by her usual plate of eggs, ham and fruit. “I suspect my appetite has left me this morning. I think I shall wait until afternoon tea.”

I watched as she moved the plate far away from her sight and went on to sip some of her other drink, clearly finding more solace from her glass orange juice than from her plate. “And what do you have planned for today?” she asked as she tried to change the subject, forcing yet another smile as if everything was as it should.

“I am meeting up with the younger Mr. Pemberly this afternoon. We are planning on going for a hunt. Plenty of pheasants I hear.”

“Oh yes. Partridges I’d imagine as well.” she agreed.

“That is what I hear. Hopefully we will be lucky this afternoon.”

“Yes, we shall see if we’ll have a jolly feast for dinner.” she joked, knowing full well that hunting birds was not my forte. But I suppose it is one of the many activities that is expected from a lord.

“And where shall you go hunting?”

“We will start with the large western fields, right before the crops fields –“

“Oh do mind the sheep.” she commented, referencing to the livestock that are held on the other side of the road, across the crop fields.

“- and we will continue our way to the southern fields, right till the edge of the forest.”

“That is quite far, isn’t it?” said she as she drank her juice. “Then again, it is good exercise for the both of you and allows you to talk about business, I suppose.”

“That is the plan, yes.” I agreed.

“Well that sounds lovely. I’m sure you will do well.”

 

* * *

 

“Oh Lilly, I do think you’ve found the mother lode, my dear.” I congratulated her as she found a splendid example of a perfect troop of chanterelle. “We seem to be quite lucky to find so many hefty spots. You know, a lot of people would pay a pretty penny for all of these.”

“Will we get to eat them?” Ivy asked as she trotted in her wellies, having a bit of trouble walking on the moss as her heavy boots weighed her slight frame down. Either that or the apples we had found in the nearby orchard, which she insisted on carrying.

“Absolutely! We won’t allow such marvels to be wasted.” I replied. It was quite astonishing that the girls had never gone out into the woods to hunt for the elusive mushrooms, but then again, I suppose people from the big city aren’t usually found stumbling in the countryside, never mind those who are from more privileged backgrounds. It is a shame tough; it would seem that people are constantly moving away from nature. Dare I say, some people even think this to be of menial labor, which reminds me: “Perhaps we should keep this a secret from the lady of the house. I am not sure how well she would receive the notion of the two of you picking up mushrooms in the forest.” Yes, perhaps Lady Hiddleston shouldn’t hear about this particular trip.

We continued on, slowly making our way back to the edge of the forest which would take us back to the trail that lead to the main road. What we had not expected on our little adventure, was the booming sounds of gunfire. As the first shots echoed near the edge of the forest, the three of us halted by the scary sounds of guns and the barking of dogs.

“Did you hear that?” Lilly asked as the three of us stood perfectly still. Both girls seemed more interested and entertained by the sounds, whereas I found it to be quite terrifying.

“I did,” I answered, taking ahold of Ivy’s hand “and it sounds as though we must leave at once.”

“But why?” asked Ivy as I led them crossways away from the woods, hoping to be spared by any flying bullets.

“Come on,” I hurried them, “there must be hunters in the fields in search of birds. It is not safe for us to be so near.”

 

* * *

 

“Tired already, sir?” I asked Mr. Pemberly as he stood next to me with his gun by his side. I had not the heart to tell him that I had had my fill of the sport already, but as the host of this game, I suppose it would have been quite un-courteous to stop.

Fortunately Mr. Pemberly seemed to be quite finished with the sport himself. “I’m afraid I must leave you, old chap, if I am to make it back home without being drenched.”

“Yes, those clouds do seem quite menacing, you’re right.” I agreed.

Both I and Mr. Pemberly walked along the pathway, along with our helpers and dogs. “Sir, it has been an honor and pleasure to accompany you this day. A most amusing afternoon.”

“Likewise, Sir.” I thanked him, although I suspect he found it more enjoyable than I did.

“I say…” Mr. Pemberly halted in his step, looking past me as he found something of significance. “Isn’t that one of your daughters running around over there?”

I turned to look what he had pointed out, and indeed, did see little Ivy running from the woods and towards us. What was just as interesting was that Miss Elizabeth hurried along, trying to catch up to Ivy whilst holding on and pulling Lilly’s arm.  “Quite right.” I answered him absentmindedly, more interested in investigating this bizarre show.

“Daddy, daddy!” Ivy laughed as she ran to me, hopping on top of me as if she hadn’t seen me in ages.

“Well hello, my dear. What are you doing so far from home?” I asked her as I lifted her in my arms, happy to see her so excited and joyful.

“Look!” said she as she held up her basket. Surprisingly, not only was it full of delicious apples, but held mushrooms as well.

“Sir, I am so sorry.” Elizabeth huffed in exhaustion as she caught up with us. “My apologies for the interruption. Ivy escaped from me when she spotted you.”

“That is quite alright, I don’t mind” I answered, feeling rather entertained by the sudden turn of events.

“Sir, I’m afraid I must take my leave.” said Mr. Pemberly from behind me with slight agitation, long forgotten by the attention my youngest had stolen away from him.

“Ah yes, my apologies, good sir. I’m afraid little Ivy here caught my attention. Shall I accompany you back?”

“That won’t be necessary. I’m sure Henry and I will manage, thank you.” he said, turning his head to face the manservant I had acquired for him for the duration of our little hunt.

“Marvelous. Well, I suppose we shall meet again at a later time.” I bid my farewell with a smile, feeling glad that he was entertained despite my lack of enthusiasm for the sport.

Once my guest had left, I turned to my own helping hand, “Richard, will you please take the catch and the dogs, and join Mr. Pemberly. I will escort the children and Miss Elizabeth myself.”

The helpful servant bowed and excused himself from our company, taking the hefty prizes I’m glad to say I had managed to shot down. But now… Now was indeed the time to do some questioning. ”Now what are you three doing here? You shouldn’t be alone in these woods, never mind that it is hunting season. You could be injured.”

Under my pressuring gaze, Ivy glanced over to Elizabeth, quite obviously ratting her out without even having to say a word. “Miss Elizabeth, are you in charge of this little expedition to the forest?”

“I am, sir.”

“And do you realize that it is game season at the moment?”

“I wasn’t aware until we heard the gunshots. I am sorry sir, but we were on our way back once we heard shots being fired and the dogs barking.”

“And what was the purpose of this adventure? Why were the three of you out here in these parts of the estate?”

“Mushrooms daddy!” Lilly chimed in, waving her own basket back and forth to prove her point.

“Mushrooms? You were out here… for mushrooms?”

 “Yes sir.” Elizabeth said as she lowered her gaze in shame.

“Don’t they look scrumptious, daddy?” Lilly asked with her heartwarming grin. Undoubtedly she knew how to use it to her advantage, as so many times before, it absolutely made me melt and forgive her past indiscretions. And just as expectedly, I could not be angry at her, nor the others.

“Indeed they do, my sweet.” I answered her, quickly forming my own smile as they seemed so pleased with their own bounty and achievements. “Come on, we should be heading back before the rain falls on us. We shall discuss this later.” I glanced at Elizabeth in a slight warning tone.

“Of course sir.”

 

*

*

*

“We are never going to make it back in this weather. I suggest we take shelter in one of the outbuildings.” I suggested as we hurried in the pouring rain. I’m afraid I had misjudged the ominous dark clouds from before, as now only half way to the mansion, were we completely soaked by the cold rain.

“Are you sure, sir? Won’t Lady Hiddleston be worried?” Elizabeth asked as she pulled Lilly with her.

“The lady will manage. Kensington Lisle is too far for us to walk in heavy rain. We will all catch a deadly cold if we continue.” I said as I held the door to the barn open, letting them inside. “Come on girls.”

“Lilly, Ivy, take your outer layers of clothing off. We don’t want to catch a cold now do we?” Elizabeth hurried them as we took shelter, quickly unbuttoning their blouses.

Fortunately, there were some blankets hanging inside the building that would prove quite useful. “Here are some blankets I found.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“I’ll get a fire burning in the fireplace.”

“But won’t someone find out that we are here?”

“This barn is part of the estate. If I cannot start a bloody fire, then no one can.” Elizabeth nodded in agreement and continued with the children, making sure they were out of their wet clothes and sitting comfortably near the fire I had managed to start. “Elizabeth, you are shivering. Perhaps you should remove your –“

“No! No, it wouldn’t be proper, sir.” said she as she inconspicuously nodded towards the girls who now sat in front of the fire with their blankets wrapped tightly around them. “Perhaps if I just sit near the fire…”

“How long will we have to stay here?” asked Lilly with a slightly bored look to her. I and Elizabeth joined her and her sister near the fire, trying to catch a little warmth in the drafty building.

“Just after the rain has passed. Home is too far for us to walk in the cold rain.”

 

* * *

  

“The children are asleep now.” Thomas said as he joined back in front of the fire. The girls had started to feel rather drowsy after their exciting and eventful day in the forest, so Thomas found it preferable that they should go to sleep since the rain had not yet let up. “I suspect it is safe for you to remove some of your damp clothing.”

Whilst I did understand that that was a splendid suggestion, somehow I did feel rather uncomfortable undressing in front of him. Of course, the slight smirk on his lips did not help, and neither did his own lack of clothing. Just as we speak, the man had found it preferable to remove a substantial amount of layers, and now sat beside me in a slightly damp white undershirt that did not leave much to the imagination. But as I said, perhaps it was best to remove some of the wet clothing, as a cold does not sound too tempting at the moment. “Sir, please revert your eyes.” I ordered him coldly, hating the fact that I really had no other choice but to do as he suggested, “It makes me very uncomfortable having you near as I undress.”

“I have seen you bare, Elizabeth.” he smirked knowingly, seemingly rather entertained by my unwillingness to remove parts of my clothing.

“Nevertheless, sir! Will you please turn around?” I pleaded him. Fortunately he heeded my request and turned around, although I could still hear his quiet chuckle as he did so. “Alright.”

“Are you decent?” he asked. The grin on his face was quite obviously detectable from his tone – the dirty bastard.

“As much as I am currently able to.” I answered as I wrapped one of the old, leftover blankets around me. “I don’t appreciate you snickering, sir.” I expressly warned the entertained man sitting next to me, who did not dare to even hide the fact that he found this whole situation amusing.

“My apologies. It is very rude of me.” said he with his hand on his heart, but obviously he was not sincere. Not one bit.

Trying to deflect the rapidly building awkwardness I felt between us, I focused on the two sleeping girls. “Are the girls comfortable?”

“They are. Both fell asleep instantly.” said he as he looked back towards them.

I could not help the feeling of guilt as I looked at them. They were peaceful enough, but this was certainly not a place where they should have been staying at, let alone sleeping in. “I’m sorry sir, we had no business being in the forest today. And now they are forced to sleep in a pile of hay and in a drafty barn.” I could not shake the feeling of that I had failed. I suppose a proper nanny would have known better than I would have. We certainly did not have any business being so far out, and in such volatile weather.

“You are not responsible for the weather, Elizabeth, do not fret.” he said supportively. “At least it is an experience. And besides, they seemed completely content. I suppose it is something different.” he laughed, trying to lift up my spirits.

With all his faults, he certainly did have a kindness to him. I was glad he did not lash out nor did he chastise me or my decisions, which is something that his peers would certainly have done. Even whilst I had made a misjudgment, he still seemed to feel as though this was a good experience for his children. This I found most odd, as others would have certainly lost their composer after hearing that their children had gone through such an ordeal. “If I may be as bold as to say, sir, but your relationship with your children is very odd and unconventional.”

“How so?” he asked sincerely, looking rather surprised by my comment.

“Well, from what I’ve seen and heard, upper class parents, never mind fathers, aren’t usually so involved or so active in the participation of their children’s daily lives. You seem quite close to them.”

Thomas thought about it in silence, nodding his head as he mulled it over. “I suppose you are right. I suppose I am quite liberal with my emotions towards the girls, when compared to the rest of my peers. But I do love them, and I wish to see them grow and have a happy, loving life, for which I hope to be a part of for as long as possible.” he answered whilst contemplating, sounding quite pleased of the state of his tight bonds to his children. “Are they happy, Miss Elizabeth?”

I smiled, happy to hear such loving thoughts regarding the two girls expressed by their father. “I would say so, sir. Although, I fear Lilly has started to rebel slightly.” I laughed, remembering slight incidents that would certainly shock her father.

“How so?” Thomas asked surprised, clearly not expecting such a comment. But by the look of his interested smirk, he did not mind.

“Well, she’s starting to form her own opinions, which I think is a good sign of course, but she’s very stubborn and won’t listen to any differing opinions. She’s becoming more independent every day, and very intellectual if I may add.”

Thomas laughed his signature laugh at the thought of his daughter being stubborn. “That sounds quite familiar.” he confessed with a nod.

“Dare I say, it does.” I agreed. “And quite insistent.”

Thomas gasped at my forwardness, but did not seem to mind. “Are you suggesting that I am stubborn and insistent, Miss Elizabeth?” he asked with his brows all the way up to his forehead with surprise, eyes wide and clear at my playful insinuation.

I could not help but continue most daringly, “As a mule, sir.”

Thomas laughed out in a hysterical fashion, which I could not help but to be a part of. “I suppose you are right.”

But as our laughter died down, Thomas turned back to me with a slightly solemn, thoughtful look, “And as a whole, do you still enjoy taking care of the girls?”

“I do. Very much so.”

“So we aren’t going to expect another hasty resignation from you any time soon I hope?”

I quickly matched his look. This discussion was quickly turning towards a more morbid route, and I could not help but fear what was surely to happen. “I cannot promise you that.”

Thomas sighed in defeat, knowing full well that while he was stubborn and insistent with his thought and beliefs, so was I. “Must this be so overly complicated, Elizabeth?”

“I’m afraid I do not know. Does it?” I retorted. I hated to see him try and try again to win back my affection, when clearly it only hurt him more and more every time he unsuccessfully tried again.

“I cannot erase my feelings towards you, Elizabeth, no matter how hard I wished to.”

“And I cannot accept them. Surely you must see why?”

Thomas nodded as he stared down to his hands, which nervously twitched against his bent knees, his fingers tapping in an unspecified rhythm. “There isn’t anything I could do to make you change your mind, is there?” he asked with a tone that held such lost hope.

“I’m afraid not.” I answered him honestly. “You are a good man, Thomas, but you are so broken, shattered into too many pieces to function properly.”

“But you could help me –“

“I cannot!” I insisted. But truthfully speaking, my answer was not only to reject his advancement on me yet again, but to scold myself for allowing this to continue for so long.  “I cannot be near you any longer, you must understand this. It is not my place.”

“But I love you.”

I shook my head at his sad confession, grasping and gently pulling my own hair as I saw and felt his pain in my own heart. “That is not fair, Thomas. You cannot say that to me.”

“I don’t care if it’s fair or not. I love you. You make me happy.” he insisted, gently running his forefinger across the only visible part of my forearm that was not covered by the blanket.

“I cannot hear this for any longer. I cannot keep listening to your whispers when we are alone, or watching every corner of the house as I move in fear of seeing you again.”

“But why?” he asked heartbreakingly. His eyes pleaded to be relieved from the hurt he seemed to feel, that even a single tear from his eye could burn one’s soul of the sheer pain he expressed. “Please tell me why you avoid me, why do you hate me so much.”

“Oh,” I could not help but sigh. “I do not hate you.” My actions of late had surely been hateful and hurtful, but once hearing those words come out from his lips, I could not believe that I had acted so uncharacteristically of my own nature. How I could have been so naïve towards this ordeal from the very beginning, and thus, allowing it to succumb to this. “Oh Thomas, I avoid you because every time I see you, I wished I could come to you without a shred of shame, without fear of prejudice or against the etiquette I was born to obey. I avoid you because I love you, and I am so afraid of being hurt by you, because I know that you could never love me the same way.”

“But I do love you the same way!” he insisted, trying to understand what I had meant.

“You are married. You can’t love me the way I wished you could.”

“If you want me to tell her about us, I will. Just say the word and I will tell Caroline. I do not want to hide you, I do not want to keep you in shame or regard you as a lesser human being. I want you to be happy, and to be by my side.”

“What?” I honestly could not believe I was hearing these very words. I was completely astonished and flabbergasted by what he was proposing. “I-I-I do not understand.”

Thomas moved to his knees in front of me and took a hold of my hands, holding tightly as he stared to my eyes. “You say I cannot love you the same way as you love me. I will in clear conscience tell her of our affair. This way we can be out in the open and not be ashamed.”

“Can you hear yourself? You pompous, selfish ass!” he was absolutely off his bloody mind. How can he be so naïve to think that this would work? That his wife, his peers, would accept him after this? “What do you think your wife would say, what she would do when she found out?! And what about the children? What happens when they grow up and find out about us?! What about your reputation? What about your mother, for heaven’s sake?”

Thomas scoffed with frustration, “Elizabeth what am I to do? Giving you up is not an option for me.”

“But I cannot allow you to sacrifice your marriage, your family and your reputation.”

“Now you are being stubborn and insistent.” he spat out hatefully, but quickly apologized after seeing my slightly offended reaction. “But what alternative do we have? My darling, what would make you happy?”

It was plainly clear what we both had to do. This was not a question of what would make me happy, but a question of what was right. And right now, he and I, we are not right. I removed my hands away from Thomas’ grip and pulled the blanket so it would now cover any exposed skin, hiding myself from him once and for all. “You will go back to your wife and continue on as if nothing had happened.” I insisted, putting a stop to this hurtful madness that had caused so much damage to him and I. “You will live your life besides her until you die happy and content, honorable to the end.”

“I cannot do so.” he cried, hurt with my conviction to swipe everything under the rug as if nothing between us had ever happened.

“You do not have a choice, I’m afraid. It is better for everyone if we just… move on.”

“And what of you? What will you do?” he asked as he came to grips with the hard truth, putting on a stiff upper lip, as it were.

“I will be the dutiful nanny, just as I am supposed to be.”

Thomas shook his head, his stance wavering as he listened to every word I told him. “This is not fair. How can you be so calm about this?”

I could not help but solemnly chuckle. “Well, I suppose that is the difference between you and I: You have grown accustomed to receiving the things you wish for. But I… well, I can only dream, but never receive.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little over a month has passed since the happenings in the barn. It is now Christmastime at Kensington Lisle and the Hiddlestons spend the holidays with the family. What could possibly go wrong?

”Good morning, Miss Elizabeth.” I greeted the young nanny as we met on the second floor landing, both of us heading downstairs; I to greet the first guests to arrive and her to ready the children for their daily afternoon walk. The past month had been a time of major rehabilitation for me, as I forced myself to act in a colder demeanor towards her every time we would bump into each other. Secretly at night I would dream of her as I lay awake in my bed, sleepless as the memory of her words haunted me and made my heart ache with sorrow, for which I could not find relief to.

”Good morning, sir.” she greeted me back in a monotone voice. Her cool, calm behavior had me in awe, surprising me of how easy she made it seem day after day that she had not a care in the world. Even now as we both walked along the stairs, her gaze was fixed on each step she took, careful to not look at my direction.

”How are you?” I asked, trying to create at least a small crumb of a conversation, just enough to hint that her well-being was still on my mind, but yet, did not require an in-depth answer from her, which I suspect was something she found more agreeable.

”I am well, thank you.” she answered succinct and to the point, just as I had presumed.

“And the children?”

“Prim and proper for the festivities, sir.”

“Excellent. Do make sure that they are entertained and well looked after. The lady wishes for them to be busy and satisfied, as to not cause any noise or trouble for our guests.” I instructed her as we finally found our way to the lobby.

“Of course, sir.” Elizabeth curtseyed and nodded, quickly getting to her task and leaving me to my own.

The weather was cold yet very pleasant as I exited through the front door and greeted the first of our guests. The snow had made its way during the night and early morn, now coating the early afternoon ground in a seamless bed of snow all along the grounds of the estate. Even after the beauty of summer had left, Kensington Lisle still felt just as magical and beautiful as I first met her.

The first carriage to arrive had stopped in front of the main door, the driver quickly climbing down to help the first of the guests out and into the cool December air. “Dear uncle, I’m glad to see you again.” I greeted the old man as the door to his carriage opened and he exposed his head to the coolness of the air, heat escaping from his lungs with each breath he exhaled.

“Ah, Thomas! After all these years, it is always so good to see you, my dear boy.” he smiled joyfully as I helped his frail body out of the carriage, offering him my arm as he climbed down. “Always so splendidly groomed and polished, as well.” he jested with a murmur, patting my cheek playfully as he found his balance after the long trip.

“Ehhehe. How are you, uncle?”

“God has seen fit to still keep me alive, so I am grateful. My fragile bones however aren’t as kind and forgiving, and neither is my digestion.” he answered whilst tapping his walking stick against his foot and then fixing his top hat.

“Oh don’t mind him, Thomas.” said an elderly woman’s voice. “He’s in one of his moods again.”

“Good to see you too, Aunt Georgia.” I welcomed my aunt, happy to see her again after such a long time.

“Likewise, my love. I hope we are not too early?” she asked as I helped her down from the carriage as well.

“Perfectly on time. Rest assured, we will have you settled-in comfortably post haste.” As she climbed down, I was surprised to find the carriage empty. Surely my cousin should have joined them? “Isn’t Cousin Albert with you?” I asked my aunt who now fixed her shawl.

“The two of them had their usual bickering again.” she answered, very visibly bothered by the incessant arguing the two men were known to do. Uncle Charles scoffed under his breath and turned to face the mansion, not caring to listen to his wife tattle on the two. But with a wave of dismissal, she said, “He’ll be arriving shortly, I’m sure.”

“It is much bigger than I remembered it to be.” Charles said as he stared up and down the mansion, his arms up to his sides so he could properly evaluate the sheer size of the building with his own squinting old eyes. “Wouldn’t you say, Georgia?”

Aunt Georgia and I joined to stand by his side. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the old couple as they ‘reviewed’ my home. “It has been decades, dear husband, since we laid eyes on Kensington Lisle. Your memory is foggy.” she said whilst patting his forearm, dismissing his claim.

I was surprised by her reaction that suggested they had been here before. “Have you visited Kensington Lisle, Aunt Georgia?”

“Indeed we both have, but it was ages ago.” said she in deep thought, remembering way back. “Your uncle held a rather grandiose ball once – it was a ball, wasn’t it dear?” she asked my uncle who still admired the front of the house, but still managed to give a succinct yes –answer. My aunt nodded and waved her hand with a pointed finger as the memory came to her. “Ah yes. It was a ball to celebrate your mother’s engagement to your father, now I remember. He had just inherited the estate himself only a few years prior. I am glad to see that the building has still kept its glory.”

“And you never returned back?”

Georgia mumbled in thought, “We were never close to your mother’s side of the family, I’m afraid.”

“Close? HA!” Uncle Charles surprisingly joined our conversation, turning back to us with gusto as he found the subject suddenly quite interesting. “It was a miraculous occurrence that the two families ever managed to spend even an afternoon in each other’s company.”

“I don’t follow…” I said, showing the pair inside and out of the cold.

“Well… the Jenkins family, as you may have gathered, is quite um… conservative.” Georgia tried to insinuate most delicately. Dear aunt… always trying to find the best descriptions without trying to offend anyone.

Uncle Charles however was not as keen on sugarcoating the truth. “They are a family stuck in the past: too traditional. It affects progression.” said he tersely and with conviction, banging the end of his walking stick against the floor.

“And you are a family of bohemians, Sir, wishing for the destruction of our glorious empire by means of social change, which has no place in her majesty’s kingdom.” mother joined the conversation as she slowly walked down the last flight of stairs. Her face was stiff and morose, clearly taking offense by what the old man had said about her side of the family.

Of course, Charles was not a man who would back down from an argument, especially if it concerned his family. He pointed the end of his stick towards mother, who dared not to come any closer than the middle of the staircase. “Take care how you speak, Madame. We may be liberal, but bohemians we are not. And without our liberal family, yours would have been bankrupt without proper finance to support your own household.”

“I never…” mother scoffed outraged.

“The only reason your father and mother wished for you to marry my brother in the first place, was because of my father’s wealth. And your brother acted much the same!” Uncle Charles continued his pursuit. Much to my shock, I was not aware of this underlying tension between the families.

“How dare you?! My father was a –“

“Spare me your father’s title, Margaret. I have no use for it.”

“Perhaps if you –“

“PERHAPS…” I interjected mother quickly, trying to calm the rapidly heating argument between the two opposing forces, “Perhaps if we were to make our way further inside, we might have a cup of tea.” I offered, wishing to put an end to this farce and hope that the next three days would not be filled with animosity and difficulty because of the two forceful heads.

“Oh yes, that sounds lovely Thomas”. Georgia clapped, happy herself to move forwards after this difficult beginning to our Christmas celebration. She quickly grabbed my arm in a loving embrace and started walking, leading me to the next room while moving to the issue at hand. “This is a mighty fine home you have here.” I thanked her kindly, happy to see her so excited about my household. “Ah! And so the lady of the house appears. Hello my dear.” She yelled out and greeted as we found our way to the parlor where Caroline sat and waited.

*

*

* 

“Just look at that sorry excuse for a man.” Uncle Charles murmured under his breath as he sipped his wine as we discussed during our Christmas feast. His expression was one of sorrow and disappointment as he stared at his son with a furrowed brow, contemplating what to do about the irresponsible behavior of the young man that sat diagonally from him. Apparently the arguing that my aunt had called ‘bickering’ had been more than just mere differences of opinion. Much to the shock of my aunt and myself, Albert mysteriously arrived the following day, well after the rest had arrived. I was rather concerned for his well-being myself, but both Charles and Georgia did not seem to find this a troubling matter.

With all of Albert’s imperfections, I still felt exceedingly empathetic towards his situation. “Perhaps you are too hard on him. I suspect he lives in constant pressure to live up to your expectations, Uncle.” I pleaded to the old man sitting to my right, hoping to change his mind in any way I could. “I doubt he ever imagined that he would be your successor.”

“None of us imagined that he would be my successor.” said he as a matter of fact, “And by the way he behaves, perhaps he shan’t see to become one.”

Such a dreadful indictment did Uncle Charles propose. I can of course understand why. Losing one’s successor, one’s own child, is a pain that no one should be forced to suffer. “Do you miss him much?” I asked him, referencing to my older cousin who was taken from us far too early, leaving my aunt and uncle with little room for compromise in regards to passing on the family wealth and name.

“Every day.” he answered solemnly. “He never should have served.”

“He was honorable to the end, serving her majesty’s interests. Gerhardt made us all proud.”

Charles sighed loudly as he laid rest his wine, leaning back against the chair as he stared at his only son with disappointment. “But now, I am left with a daughter that cannot inherit, and a drunkard man-child.”

“Well perhaps he should marry? Find a respectable, strong lady who would get him into shape?” I suggested.

Aunt Georgia was of course livid as she heard the word marriage, slightly overhearing our discussion about her son. “Marriage? Did I hear you correctly?” she asked with a slight nod of her head towards Albert, praying for any kind of confirmation.

“Perhaps, Aunt Georgia.” I whispered to her, trying not to make a big fuss out of nothing at all.

“He is growing rather old, isn’t he?” she mouthed, finding our topic to be exceedingly more fascinating than her conversation with the person next to her.

“As are we all.” said Charles, continuing with his meal.

“Yes, but I would rather much like to live to see his offspring, before I am to be put into the ground.” said she with conviction and with very little regard to the volume of her voice. Albert of course noticed this as did Caroline, who was conversing with him, both suddenly staring at our direction with confusion.

“Am I correctly assuming that I am the topic of your conversation?” he asked slightly offended, leaning forward towards us with a stern look of disapproval. “Care to bring me up to speed of the delicious gossip you have chosen to keep hidden from my ears?”

“No gossip, dear cousin.” I calmed him, trying desperately to hide the visible disappointment expressed by Charles away from Albert’s eyes. “I was merely curious whether or not you were courting a fine lady yet.”

“I see.” he replied rather suspiciously. “This being of such an interest to you, do you have a certain lady in mind that was in need of courting?”

“I am afraid that is not my area of expertise.” I laughed, blushing slightly at the thought that I indeed _did_ know of a certain lady that could use a substantial dose of wooing and courting. But not by him, of course. “Perhaps Caroline could be of assistance? She knows far more people than I ever would dream of. Perhaps she could find you a suitable candidate for future endeavors?”

Albert replied with a quick and tight smile as he lifted his glass up to thank me. However, his squinting eyes beheld a rather ominous quality to them, which made the man seem quite passive to my suggestion and offer.

*

*

*

“Sir?” a soft whisper called out to me from behind my back as I stood in the darkly lit parlor, listening keenly with interest at the many different conversations going on amongst my guests. I turned my head only to see the shy face of Miss Elizabeth peeking from behind the door, trying hard not to interrupt the festivities going on.

“Yes? What is it, Miss Davies?” I asked, beckoning her to come inside rather than continue our whispering.

“It is time for my evening report, but I cannot find Lady Hiddleston.”

“She has retired early this evening. You may give your report to me.”

“Very well.” Elizabeth fidgeted as she entered the room, standing straight in front of me with her hands neatly folded. Her mind reeled dutifully through the day’s activities as she closed her eyes, trying hard to remember every moment of significance that needed to be reported. “Both girls are fed, bathed and are now sleeping. My only concern at the moment is of Ivy. She had moments of intense coughing in the morning and throughout the day, but has yet to show any signs of fever or other symptoms.”

“I see. And what about Lilly? Is she showing any symptoms of illness?”

“No sir.” she answered simply.

“I see. Then perhaps it is just the weather. Are they fit to travel the day after tomorrow, when we leave for London?”

“Well, as I said, Lilly seems to be in good health to visit her ladyship’s family, so I do not see any possible complications to support otherwise, but I am not as confident about Miss Ivy.”

“Do you advise against her leaving?”

“Only for my peace of mind, sir. I have no knowledge of medicine.” she winced, no doubt dreading to give her honest opinion. I must admit, if Ivy were to catch a cold, it could possibly interfere with our visit to Caroline’s parents, which in turn would not suit the plans made by my wife.

“I see.” I murmured in thought, quickly thinking through any alternatives if her condition were to worsen. “Please keep me informed of her progr-“

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” Albert shouted suddenly, quickly hopping to his feet and staggered a few steps as he turned to attract the attention of the rest of the guests. “If I may have your attention, please.”

“What now…” I murmured, irate about the upcoming disaster that assuredly would appear momentarily. For the life of me, I cannot understand how this man is able to get himself into such a state with so little effort.

“It has come to my attention, that both papa and mama, have been plotting my demise.” said he in an accusatory tone as he turned towards aunt and uncle, who sat now stiffly against one of the sofas.

I could not of course allow such a speech escalate into one of Albert’s rants. “Albert, calm yourself.” I calmly told him, wishing to get him under control with minimal damage.

“No-no, dear cousin of mine.” he chuckled, slowly making his way to me and Elizabeth, who now stood behind my back. “It would seem that I am to be married. However, I do not know to whom.”

“You insolent little creature!” Uncle Charles shouted, rising up from his place lividly while Aunt Georgia whispered to him to calm down and sit. “You will stop this at once!”

“Oh, you break my heart father. Do I mean so little to you?” replied Albert, taking a large gulp of his wine bottle he had managed to procure somehow. There was a sense of hurt pride about him mixed with visible disappointment and mournfulness. “Have I not made you proud? Proud like Gerhardt?”

“You are acting like a spoiled child. NOW SIT DOWN AND QUIET YOURSELF!”

“But you’re willing to trade me away? To marry someone without my consent?” Albert cried out, hurt by what our gossiping had eventually led him to believe, no doubt.

Aunt Georgia pleaded from her seat with sorrow for her misbehaving child, “We are not. We only wished you would settle down, have children, to be respectable.”

“Respectable? Respectable like Thomas?” he pointed to me with his wine bottle, staggering back with shaky legs to involve me in this so-called treachery, only to find something more interesting behind my back. “Hello dear.” said he, smiling widely as he though himself charming.

This was quickly getting far out of hand, and I could not let him harass Elizabeth, who now stood with her back against the wall, trapped by the offensive drunk. With my hand, I pulled at Albert’s shoulder, trying to remove him from this awkward situation. “Come on, you’re drunk.”

“No, I think they are right.” he said pointing at his parents. “Perhaps I should get married and have a brood of children of my own. How does that sound to you, oh sweet maiden?” he continued his advancement on Elizabeth, grabbing her arm in a stiff grip.

“Sir, please let me go.” Elizabeth asked with a shaky voice, clearly scared at the drunk who grabbed her and held her hostage.

“Albert, let her go.” I warned him sternly as my own senses went into overdrive seeing him hold my Elizabeth thusly. By now, the rest of the room had stopped their conversing and stared at the situation forming. Two visiting gentlemen were hurrying to get the ladies away from the room through another exit as to not excite them too much.

“Such a pretty, young lass.” Albert whispered against her ear, ignoring my own attempts to remove him from her. “I hear you are good with children.”

This was far too much, even for him, and at that moment, my own patience snapped, “YOU WILL LET HER GO THIS INSTANT!”

“Oh come now, Thomas. Wouldn’t she be a good candidate for childbearing?” he snickered as I grabbed him and pushed him away, making him fall to his feet onto the ground.

This was of course too humiliating for the man, as he got back up red-faced and angered. I must admit that I was not entirely prepared for his next act: the man ambushed me against one of the large bookcases, trapping me between him and the wooden frame. My instincts shouted me to defend myself, and I could not help but retaliate by punching and shoving him away.

I soon found myself tired and out of breath as I managed to rid him off me and back onto the floor. I huffed with the sudden loss of breath, bending slightly over as it took the man a moment to gather himself.

“Elizabeth, are you well?” I asked her as I turned towards her, concerned with her well-being and the violence she was forced to see.

“LOOK OUT!” she screamed back, and I soon felt the hot burning sting as a shard of glass cut my upper arm with Albert holding the broken wine bottle at the other end.

Fortunately for Elizabeth and I, Charles made good of his walking stick and hit his son’s back, making Albert fall once more and long enough for the rest of the gentlemen in the room to grab him and keep him down.

With my own mind now present, I grabbed Elizabeth and escorted her out to another room across the hall, making sure she was fine. “Elizabeth, are you hurt?” I asked the shaking girl, concerned about her confused state.

“A little winded and shaken, but I will manage.”

“Is there anything I can bring you? Anything I can do for you?”

“No… No, I am fine. Perhaps I shall retire to bed.” she insisted, quickly calming down.

I was relieved to hear that she was well, now that she was safe and sound. Happily I agreed to her statement, wishing for her to sleep this unfortunate occurrence away. “Yes. I believe that would be best for you at this present time.”

“But Sir! You are bleeding!” she winced horrified as the deep red blood seeped out of the wound and spread a wide area of red onto my white shirt.

“It is but a scratch. I will survive.”

Elizabeth shook her head in protest, “I am so sorry. If I had not been there, none of this wou-“

“This was not your fault, Elizabeth.” I interjected, “It should be me apologizing for my cousin’s disrespectable behavior.” Her face was lit with guilt, but of course it was not her fault, the silly girl. With a slight caress on her arm that I could not help but give, I asked her, “Are you sure you are well? If you are afraid to sleep, I can assign someone to keep watch in front of the door.”

“No. That won’t be necessary.” said she without hesitation, but still did not push me away from her vicinity.

“Elizabeth… I’m so very sorry...”

“I know. But everything will be alright.” she said with slight confidence, quickly regaining the fact that it was only her and I alone and together for the first time for weeks, which made her seem a tad bit uncomfortable. Elizabeth curtseyed politely all of a sudden and made her way to the door, where she stopped before exiting. “Please call a doctor to heal your arm.”

“I will.”

Elizabeth nodded and said her good night, leaving me alone in the room with a hurt arm and new found hope in my heart; hope, that perhaps she still cared for my safety and well-being, just as I cared for hers.

*

*

*

“Are you sure the lot of you should be traveling at this point of time?” I asked skeptically as I stood in the cold, giving my farewells to Caroline, Mother and Lilly. The weather had taken a turn for the unexpected over the course of the last night of our weekend of partying, as it had snowed heavily. The sun shined brightly and beautifully, but I was worried that it would be the wind and the falling snow that could affect the journey.

“We will be fine, my love. Prudence and Johan will take care of us, won’t you?” Caroline smiled widely as she confirmed sarcastically with the pregnant lady and slight of a man who could not be of any use if something were to actually happen. “See? Don’t worry, Thomas. I will send a message to you once we arrive at my parent’s estate.”

Still feeling rather afraid for their safety, I pleaded my still ailing mother to reconsider. “Mother, are you sure you should travel back to London in this weather?”

“Oh don’t fuss, Thomas. I have traveled in worse weather before.”

“Well, if both of you are sure…”

“We are, we are.” Caroline dismissed my concerned, lifting Lilly to her lap so she could wave back with her mother as they began their ride to the capitol. “We will be back come the new year! Goodbye!”

 

* * *

 

“Sir? Hello?” I knocked loudly at the hardwood door that led to the lord’s bedchamber. I was quite hesitant to knock on his door to seek him out, but unfortunately, that was a result of my own tardiness.

The lord had requested for me to deliver my daily report on Ivy and her health, but I found the usual routine of putting the child to rest rather difficult, as it felt uncomfortable for her to be without her older sister. And now here I wait, rather anxious myself.

“Come in!” his muffled voice shouted, barely hearable.

I entered his and his absent wife’s empty bedchamber. The grandiose room was dark with only a few table lamps and the roaring fire lighting the decorative room. His bed was set in the finest of silks and with lush pillows, certainly comfortable for even the highest of aristocrats. But one thing was indeed missing from the room: “Sir? You asked me to deliver my evening report? Sir?”

“In here.” he called out from a joining room, off to the side.

Without hesitation, I followed the source of his voice and went through the slightly jarred door that led to him. As I entered, a most surprising, and even slightly offensive view, greeted me back that I did not expect. “Oh! My lord. I-I-I apologize, I did not realize you were bathing. I will return later.”

“That won’t be necessary. I apologize for presenting myself thusly, but I was expecting you much earlier, and then thought that perhaps you had forgotten.” he said, making me halt in my step. I of course couldn’t see _anything_ as he was covered in bubbly soap and his back was faced to me, but in the back of my mind I could not help but feel that he was well aware of his timing and in fact, did not feel sorry nor ashamed at all.

Out of curtesy, I turned around and faced the door, waiting to be excused until I had delivered my report as I should have done much earlier. “Forgive me my tardiness, I had not forgotten.”

“I can see that.” he said. The smirk was without a doubt obvious. One could hear it in his voice. The devil knew what he was doing.

“I can come back later.”

“As I said: that won’t be necessary. You have seen me in situations much more delicate than this, have you not?” he asked, teasing me with the fact that indeed I had. Too ashamed and embarrassed was I, that I could not even give him an answer. All I could do was nod my reply. “Well then, care to give me your report?”

“Very well, sir. Ivy has rid-” I began, but was soon interrupted by the bathing lord.

“For God’s sake, Elizabeth, come here.” he scoffed with a slight chuckle. I turned my head around to see him remove the small bottles and vials that sat on stool next his bath, beckoning me to sit down. “It is very difficult to talk while you stand there facing the door.”

“And it is very difficult to me to discuss with you when you are in the middle of a bath.”

Thomas burst out with a loud laugh at my retort, but nodded to my answer. “Elizabeth, I sincerely promise you, I had not expected for you to return with the report.” I was not sure whether or not to believe him. His eyes seemed tired and his body clinging to the edge of the tub out of exhaustion, but yet, the faintest of smirks had me doubtful. Oh how I was so irate at his behavior. Never once had I met a man that could make me both believe and disbelieve his words at the same time.

But since I did not have much of a choice in the matter, I decided to trust his words and eyes, which told me that he did not plan this specific occurrence to happen. “Very well.” I agreed and sat down on the stool next to the tub. “Ivy’s cough has not changed, but she still doesn’t express any other signs of illness.”

“That is good. Anything else?”

“Umm…” I hesitated as I watched his body shift against the tub. His back arched slightly in search of a comfortable position, which led to some of his chest to rise from the water, leaving behind a trail of soap and water on his chest. It was quite mesmerizing, I had to admit, but this was something I could not let him catch me staring. “I-I-Ivy, uh, learned to write this afternoon, sir. Just a few simple words really, but she seems enthusiastic.”

“Really? But that is marvelous news!” he cheered, instantly more happy and alive for the progress of his youngest.

“Yes, indeed it is.” I agreed as I smiled happily back, enthused that our little writing sessions, as Lilly was being tutored, seemed to pay off.  “And um, she’s very, very… “I paused again, but this time, slightly concerned by what I saw. “Does it hurt?”

Thomas looked over to what I stared, glancing over the cut that he gained as he protected me. “It stings a bit, but it needs to be cleaned.” he sighed as he held a washcloth in his other hand, trying to clean the surrounding area without much of an outcome. “Unfortunately, I am all thumbs when it comes to cleaning and fixing wounds and bandages, as you can see.”

His need for help was quite obvious, even though his wound wasn’t on his dominant arm. “That is because of your strangely large hands and long fingers.” I jested with a laugh, snatching the cloth from his hand to clean any sweat and grime off the cut. “Here, let me help.”

“Thank you.” he said quietly, staring deeply at me as I tried to focus my attention on the wound and to not rip any of the stitches left by the doctor.

“I know it has been a few days since it happened, but I wanted to thank you again for saving me.”

“You need not thank me, Elizabeth.” said he with a smile and tired eyes, holding very still as he seemingly quite enjoyed the attention I gave to his arm. “Your safety is of the upmost importance to me.”

“Regardless, it was still brave of you stand up against your cousin. If there is anything you need, sir, please let me know how I can return the favor.”

“It was my duty to protect you. You have no need to offer me a favor.”

“No, I insist.” I repeated. He had protected me from harm and was hurt because of me. I cannot let such bravery slid from my fingertips. “It was gentlemanly for you to act so. I couldn’t imagine not returning you the same courtesy.”  

Thomas chuckled at my insistence, very amused by my seriousness to return a service to him. “Well actually…” he said, but as soon as I lifted my gaze back to his face, it was no longer the face of an amused man. No, he was serious, contemplating, clearly hesitant to continue with what he had to say. “There is something I would wish from you as small compensation.”

“Yes? What can I do?” I asked, curious to his sudden change in behavior. Thomas stared deeply into my eyes, his arms tightly flexing as his hands tightened their grip on the edges of the tub. His back straightened and lifted off of the back of the tub, his face and chest leaning ever more closely to mine, and then I knew… “No. That I cannot do.” I said as I turned my face away from his, not daring to allow him a kiss.

Thomas brought his hand to my cheek and caressed the back of his fingers against my cheek, beckoning me to face him once more as he brought his face against mine. “Please? Just one, small, kiss…”


	17. Chapter 17

”This… this is wrong. We shouldn’t…” I sighed with labored breath as his lips assaulted mine in the most prurient of ways. My worries, my daunting fears of falling into the abyss with him were a reality I knew I could not manage; his love was dangerous, always had been, but yet, my own determination and willpower was no match for his persistence and conviction. His love was unrelenting and had made him stubborn, and with each new attempt to attract me, I found myself only weaker, unable to survive each of his attacks until I had nothing more to defend myself with. And now that he finally did breach my last layer of protection, I found myself no longer caring for the consequences of what my actions would bring. Not now as he held my face so gently with his delicate fingers, spreading and infesting his love through me like a disease I knew would eventually kill me. But I found myself powerless. I am ashamed to admit his effect on my being, but I had missed him so. To feel his hands roaming over me, to have his breath so close to mine was intoxicating, and now I fear losing his touch forever.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered in-between his slow, deep kisses, unable to stop himself from the pleasure he had begged and finally received. “I cannot stop.”

Thomas slowly rose from the tub, pushing into our kiss as if to intensify the sensation of passion and adrenaline. His nude body was left with a coat of soapy water that glistened in the light, deliciously rippling down every ridge and contour of his abdomen and legs as he stood in front of me unabashedly.

“What if… someone hears or… or walks in?” I tried to ask between breaths, now clinging onto his soapy body as he stepped out of the tub, holding me close to his chest as if he was too afraid to let go. But in honesty, I cared not if we were to be heard.

“I’ve dismissed everyone for the night.” he panted, pushing my back towards the jarred door to his bedroom. “I’ve missed you so much.”

His coos and whispers of love rang in my ears, making my heart tremble with want for him. I held him close to my face as I tightly wound my fingers through his hair, having full control of the kisses he kept stealing from me without a care in the world. A slight chuckle of his could be heard through our kiss, and in an act of defiance, I pulled at his hair, snapping his head back away from the kiss.

The bastard laughed menacingly with hooded eyes, growling with pleasure at the stiff grip I had on his scalp. “You tricked me into kissing you.” I accused him with a snarl, staring at him with hooded eyes filled with desire, hovering my lips only an inch away from his as I was terribly tempted to force my own lips against his.

In retaliation, Thomas grabbed my waist suddenly and hoisted me up, holding me tightly against his body so he could look straight into my eyes. “That was not the plan, my love, but I cannot say I disagree with the outcome.”

Oh how I was disgusted with this man and his vainglorious attitude and behavior. I knew better than this. I knew if I were to give him even an inch of myself, he would take everything he could get his hands on. But what I found most intimidating was not that he took what he could, but that I allowed him this and inevitably, I could not part with this blissful feeling he provided for the both of us.

“I despise you… wholeheartedly.” I said to him as he carried me to the other room, still ignoring what was without a doubt a very tight grip on his hair.

But Thomas only chuckled an ‘I love you’. His hands held me tight whilst he walked us to his bed, slowly lowering me down to lay me on my back and crawling himself on top of me, taking his time to kiss my neck as he went on.

This bliss was without a doubt heavenly. His tall, heavy frame cradled my small body so gently as he laid on top of me, my heart racing ever so fast with accelerated breath as I tried to remain conscience during this mist of lust, craving and desire. I felt as though each of his kisses, each touch brought me closer to God in heaven, blessing me with pure love that shattered my very core with fulfillment. “Oh God,” I moaned under my breath under my overwhelming and lustful haze, “forgive me for this night.”

Thomas pulled his head back suddenly, looking deeply into my eyes as he questioned my utterance. “Will you need absolution for our love, come next morning?” His brow flexed with sad confusion, not understanding my meaning. “Will you feel regret?”

“Come next morning, I will find myself in your bed besides you. I will be ashamed; ashamed that I fell weak under your wicked love. I will be ashamed that I failed to keep myself away from you. Ashamed that I allowed myself to freely love you tonight, knowing that you cannot love me.”

Thomas crawled away and knelt before me on the bed, looking horrified after my reply. “You still think I do not love you? That I do not care for you?” he asked aghast.

“On the contrary.” I replied, now leaning on the backs of my arms as I stared at him, quite surprised of this recent development. “I do not question that you care for me. You have quite obviously proved otherwise.” I nodded towards his arm that bared the proof of his care for me. “I question the longevity of your affection towards me and the love you feel towards me. I fear that you will bore of me.”

“What?!” he asked shocked, falling still with confusion and perplexity. “How can you say such nonsense?”

“But has this not been somewhat of a sick and twisted game, these past few months?” I questioned him, quickly pulling myself up to meet him face to face. “You have pursued me over and over again as if I was a conquest of yours. But what happens after conquering your prize?”

Thomas removed himself from the bed and hurried his way to his closet, quickly dressing himself in his pajamas and his dressing gown. He ran his fingers through his hair, which was a habit that I had learned to spot whenever he felt anxious or troubled. “Why do you insist on making me the villain?” he burst out suddenly, too frustrated to act rationally. “Over and over again I confess that I love you, that I want and need you, and yet you treat me as if I were a shallow man in pursuit of carnal desires. Do you find pleasure treating me thusly? Treating me as if I were worthless? Hurting me in such a way?” He held his head down but the look of confusion and let down was prominent in his expression. He was the epitome of a broken down man. But with a broken, sullied voice he asked, “Do you think my love for you is just… this? Merely physical?”

I was astounded by his confession of his feelings deep down in his heart. His words rang in my ears, making me question every action and every word I had said to him over the course of our troubled times. “I do not understand. Isn’t this what you wanted?”

Thomas sighed aggravated, growling in his frustration and flailing his arms about as he seemed to have a hard time keeping his temper under control. “You completely missed my meaning, Elizabeth. Of course this is what I want,” said he as he came back to me and sat on the bed, “but it is not the only thing I wish for. Do you think I only crave you for physical pleasure?”

I pondered his question seriously, weighing in his words of sadness and disappointment that I had not considered. “I do not think you want me solely in the sexual nature, no, but I am not certain that you want me as much in any other way. I think you are driven by passion, but passion is physical instead of spiritual.”

“That is not true.” said he accusingly, quickly getting back onto his feet out of reflex. “How can you say such things? I have tried over and over again to confess my love for you. I have shown you every emotion I have in me to make you see how much I love you. I have defended your honor and been injured, and still you think so little of me?”

Yes, he had said and whispered words of love, but yet, he was still capable of so much hurt and wickedness. “That is not fair! You have said and done horrible things to me as well.” I defended myself against his accusations.

“I have not!”

“Yes you have! You told me that the only thing you wanted from me was what lay hidden between my legs.”

“You know I did not mean that! I was angry and hurt!”

“And yet afterwards you expect me to believe that you love me for my mind and soul as well?”

“Elizabeth, I am sorry for making you go through such pain. By my life, I never wished for you to distrust me so and doubt the sincerity of my love towards you. I confess, I do crave you physically. At night I lust for you; I see the most wicked of dreams about you as I lay in bed, but my heart also yearns for your love. Every night I see you, I wish I could sit with you over a cup of tea and listen to how your day has been or to hear how you are, how you feel, to discuss about various issues and topics. I wish to hold you as we bathe together, to make you giggle as I kiss your neck. I want to comfort you when you are down, to make you happy.”

I sat quietly staring at the man before me. I was quite taken aback by his sincere and honest words regarding his wishes for our love. And while this picture of serene love, affection and all-around idyllic setting of his imagery was more than inviting, there was still a flaw in this fantasy of his: he was not mine to have. “Have I not expressed my love for you once and for all?” he said beggarly.

“I fear that there is more at play here.”

“Of course there is…” said he aggravated, sighing disappointingly. 

“Thomas, it’s just… I can’t accept your love.”

Thomas stared at me with wide eyes, responding to my answer with a confused look, “What do you mean?”

It was now my turn to crawl out of the bed and hold myself just as accountable to our situation and admit the truth from my point of view. “No matter how much you claim to love me, I will never be more than a servant in your household. You will have your wife, and thus, cannot give what I need: a commitment. Without this, it would not be right for us to be in love.”

“And yet you would have willingly let me take you to my bed. Elizabeth, where is the logic in that?”

“I suppose desire and carnal lust has no care for logic.”

“I do not follow your reasoning.” said he angrily, frustrated by the lack of understanding on his part. “You would willingly let me bed you, even though you knew you would have regretted it tomorrow.”

“I can live with the regret of giving you pleasure and receiving pleasure from you for just a night, but I cannot allow myself to fall in love with you. The pain of losing you, the very fact of having to deny and hide my love would be excruciating. And I could not live a day if you were to deny me yours.”

“I would never deny you my love.”

“You are more intelligent than this, Thomas. What do you think will happen once your wife returns?”

Thomas’ anger quickly turned from anger and disappointment to sadness, realizing that his love would be unrequited by me, with little hope for any change. “Can’t you love me even a little bit in return, my love?”

“I can accept you mind, your passion, your affection, but not your love.”

“Then I cannot offer you anything.” said he morbidly, turning away from me to stand next to his door. “Perhaps it would be best if you left.”

*

*

*

“Have you ever skated before?” I asked Ivy as I laced on her tiny skates, preparing her for the ice that lay waiting crystal clear before us. The tiny child had been begging for me to take her skating after she saw a group of children playing in the village, instantly feeling rather jealous of the fun they had during these past gorgeous winter days.

Ivy sat on the snowy bank, trying her hardest not to move and jump out of excitement as I helped her with her brand new skates. “No. Have you?” she answered with a stiff shake of her head.

Indeed I had, though it had been a great deal of years since I found the time and pleasure to skate. The young child and her enthusiasm brought back many a memory of my own childhood, and now that she was all set to begin, I found myself just as excited as she did, hoping that I too would have a chance to enjoy the activity at some point I time.

For her first time, it was quite marvelous to see her get the gist of it in such a short amount of time. Her legs wobbled over the icy pond, trying her hardest to find her balance when there was none to be found. But yet, she enjoyed the activity for nearly an hour. With the pure enthusiasm of a child and a will to continue, Ivy skated around and around the pond, rising back up after each fall and stumble, showing she cared not that she had no experience of the merry activity.

But as with every moment of fun, there also needs to be a time for it to end. With my slippery shoes I shuffled from the snowy bank onto the edge of the ice, preparing myself for the inevitable whining that would result in asking her to stop.

“Come on Ivy, we should be getting back inside and out of the cold.” I said with hopeful determination.

But as expected, Ivy ignored my request adamantly, choosing to skate more and more laps. “Not yet!” she screamed from the other side of the pond, instantly halting her wobbly skating as she saw my strict expression.

“Ivy, my love, this is not a discussion. Now come on!” I replied as I carefully continued my way towards her on the ice, standing my ground in the middle of the pond with my arms firmly tucked from the cold air.

“Just once more around the pond? Please?” she begged with her big pleading eyes, knowing full well that I was unable to resist her pleas.

I sighed with mock disappointment, trying to put on a bit of a show to express that I did have more control than she did, although, I suspect we both knew she truly is the one with the ultimate power in our relationship. Ivy giggled loudly as she saw the slight twitch of a grin on my face, understanding that yet again she got the best of me.

I watched as the little girl continued her lap around the pond, laughing and giggling merrily at the fun she had. “Alright, my love, time to leave.” I said as she returned back to me on the middle of the ice; fully content with the last of her fun.

But as we made our way back towards the edge of the snowy bank, I felt a slight shift that did seem quite menacing. A faint crack could be heard from behind our backs that instantly caught my attention. I turned to find the source of the noise and to my horror, found several large cracks and seams forming under where we had stood only a moment ago.

“Ivy, get off the ice now.” I told her, pushing her back and making her slide towards the bank and onto safety. “The ice is cracking dangerously. Now go before something happens.”

Ivy listened to my request and skated off with a hurry and hopped onto the snow, sitting patiently on the ground as I shuffled across the ice with my slippery boots. But the ice would not hold my heavy weight. The shock of the freezing water around me was mind-numbing. It was as if a thousand pins and needles stabbed my legs and arms, making it hard to breathe and focus. I could hear the faint screaming of Ivy as she yelled my name over and over again as I barely clung on the edge.

“Lizzie?” she asked scared and confused as she slowly began to return to me.

“Stop! Don’t come any closer!” I halted her, fearing she too would fall through the fragile ice. ”Ivy, quick, fetch someone.” But the child was too scared. Her eyes began to tear up, completely hopeless and resistant to anything I said. “Please stop crying, Ivy.” I begged her desperately. “Be a big girl and run inside to find your father, Mr. Harrison… anybody.”

With slight hesitation, Ivy succumbed to my request and ran towards the house with her skates still on. The girl hopped about as she tried to move with the difficult contraptions on her feet, falling down every so often as she would sink in the heavy snow that littered the way up and over the slight hill.

The instant fear that she may not succeed in her mission terrified me. The water felt so cold as it seeped through every layer of clothing. My feet, my arms all felt so numb. I screamed out at the top of my lungs, “HEEELP! SOMEONE, PLEASE HELP!” hoping that someone would come and rescue me, before my lungs would give out and force me silent.

 

* * *

 

“Will that be all, milord?” Harrison asked as he dutifully delivered a stack of letters to me with a nice cup of tea. The day had been a beautiful one with the lovely rays of the afternoon light coming through the wide windows in the parlor. I had opted to read my paper here, now that all of ‘society’ had gone from Kensington Lisle, leaving I, my daughter and the staff to enjoy the peace and quiet that we all truly needed and deserved.

“Yes, that will be all. Thank you very much, Harrison.” I thanked him with a generous smile as I sat in my comfy chair near the roaring fire, enjoying the paper in my lap and the delicious tea that accompanied me in the room.

But there was something out of place in this perfect setting I had so far enjoyed to the fullest. A sudden noise, an anomaly that was disruptive to the ear. “Did you hear something, Harrison?” I asked the man as I looked up from my seat, curious to see whether or not I had imagined it or not.

“I did sir. A faint yell, if I’m not mistaken.” said he pointedly, curious himself towards the unexpected noise that seemed to come from outside.

Now exceedingly curious after Harrison’s agreement, I laid my paper to rest and walked out to the window to find the perpetrator of my enjoyable afternoon. But all I could see was white snow everywhere. Snow on the slight hills around the estate, snow on the hibernating trees, the bench overlooking the pond… “Oh God… They went through the ice.” All I could see now was half a dark figure with their head and arms sticking out from the pond. The realization that the only people there this afternoon were Ivy and Elizabeth made my heart drop. “Harrison, assist me! We must hurry.” I called out to him, quickly running through the parlor and towards the front door. “MRS. BELL! Mrs. Bell, bring hot water, towels and blankets to the parlor, next to the fire.”

Bell, in her infinite spirit, quickly hopped on her way without even questioning the reasons for my seemingly odd requests. The elderly woman ran around screaming to her girls to help her as we made through the door and outside to the chilly December air, only to bump into a frantic Ivy. For a moment my heart stopped as I found my child to be standing clear from harm’s way, bringing me certainty that at least she was safe and sound. “Ivy? What happened?” I asked, as I hugged her close to my chest, happy to find her completely intact and without even a scratch.

The child cried tears the size of elephants, trying unsuccessfully to explain what had happened. The child was clearly in shock and hysterical by whatever she had witnessed. Completely unable to say a single intelligible word she was, that her only clear response was to just point towards the pond and towards the only adult she had been accompanied by. This girl needed to be tended to immediately. “Go inside and find an adult to take you to your playroom.” I told her hastily as I pushed her inside the house and towards a maid that stood in front of the staircase, quickly continuing on our way with Harrison, who had managed to find some rope, tools and a thick blanket.

We made our way down the hill and towards Elizabeth who held on to the ice as if for dear life. Her face was a shade of icy blue, but it was the quietness that shook my very soul. She seemed lifeless, completely still as her arms still held onto the edge of the ice.

“Elizabeth!” I screamed out to her in hope of gaining any attention she may still have had in her and bring her a sense of hope and positivity.

“Don’t!” she mumbled nearly unintelligibly as I got on the ice and walked towards her. “The ice is fractured. You will fall in if you come any closer.”

On a closer look, she was absolutely right. There were several cuts and fractures on the ice around her, making it more difficult of a task to get her out. With no physical access to her, I took a hold of the rope that Harrison had found, lassoing it and throwing it around the icy cold lady. “Hold on, I will pull you out.”

Elizabeth nodded and made sure it was securely under her arms, bracing herself as Harrison and I pulled her out of the water and onto safer and sturdier ice. “Can you hold onto me?” I asked her as I finally reached her and pulled her to the snow, lifting her up in my arms so I could carry her back inside. But she could not nod, could not hold on. “That’s fine, that’s fine. We’ll manage.” The ice had made her immobile, leaving her only in a confused state as she leaned her head on my chest. Her silent, haunting appearance scared my heart, making me doubt whether or not we truly would manage all the way up and back inside.

“I-I-I c-c-can’t feel my legs, Thomas.”

“Don’t worry; we will have them warmed up in no-time.”

 *

*

*

It had been nearly two hours since I last saw my Elizabeth. We had managed to warm her up a bit as we got her inside, but the moment Mrs. Bell had returned with her equipment, she had insisted on transferring Elizabeth to her room and changing her wet clothes to dry ones, which clearly meant that I was not allowed to see her during that particular process. However, Mrs. Bell in her wisdom had managed to call for a doctor during our rescue mission and now attended to the ill lady, which meant that even up to this point, I was not welcomed inside the room until he was finished with her.

For these long and painful minutes that went bye, I found myself pacing outside her room nervously, wishing that I could at least hear if she was safe. But yet, not a word. Not a single word was delivered from the other side of that door, nor could anything be heard through it. It was a maddening feeling, this feeling of the unknown.

The many conversations in my mind had me questioning my sanity. I did not know whether it was good that there were no sounds emanating from the room, which would indicate that she was not in terrific pain, or if the sound suggested the unthinkable: that she was not with us any longer.

Every single minute felt longer than the previous. Harrison and Bell would check on me every so often, wishing to bring me tea to calm my nerves, but I would have none of it.

Eventually, it was only a matter of minutes when the doctor finally revealed himself from behind the mysterious door, baring news of my secret lover’s health I so feared for. “How is she?”

“She suffered from what we call hypothermia.”

“And what is that?”

The doctor closed the door and walked with me across the hallway towards the stairs, “It is when the temperature of the body lowers significantly.” said the mustachioed man with his heavy leather bag, seemingly very calm and relaxed at the whole situation.

“Will she be alright?”

“She was fortunate enough to evade amputation, which was one of my initial fears. Her temperature fell significantly below the average human temperature, but she did not lose consciousness. That is a very good sign.”

It was as if a heavy stone was immediately lifted from my heart and mind. My love was safe and sound and out of harm’s way. “What can I do to help her?” I asked him, trying to find anything or any reason to gain access to her inside her quarters.

“I believe she will be fine after a few days’ rest. She will feel quite drowsy and may perhaps feel slightly confused. This should however disappear in a day or two, if no other symptoms present themselves. Just let her rest and soon she will be up an about, continuing as if nothing had ever happened.”

 

* * *

 

“Good day, Miss Lizzie. May we come in?” two friendly looking faces greeted me from behind my door the next morning. A father and his daughter, both wearing big smiles, entered my room with a large tray of delightful food.

“What is all this?” I asked astonished by the variety of breakfast delights I had not expected to be served to, never mind being served while still in bed. Both Thomas and Ivy quietly snuck in without much of any noise to reveal their presence, as it most assuredly would have been scandalous if they were to be found in my quarters.  

“This is for you.” Thomas lifted the tray in his hands, smiling widely as he brought it over to my lap. Ivy quickly ran over to me as she locked the door to my room after her father had entered, hopping on top of my bed and next to my covered feet while gently rubbing my toes.

“Oh my goodness. This is all too much. Thank you very much, sir.”

“Nonsense.” said he as he pulled my writing chair next to my bed and sat, waiting for me to begin with my breakfast. “How are you feeling?”

“A little tired and physically exhausted, but the doctor said that I will be able to return to my duties in a few short days.”

Thomas instantly scoffed and waved his hands, dismissing what I had said. “We will manage, don’t you worry about that. The most important issue at hand is your health. You shall be assigned to bed rest until the doctor tells us otherwise. No work for you until you are well.”

“Noo.” Ivy cried out in a panicked state. “But what about playtime?”

“Ivy, that is inappropriate.” Thomas interjected, shushing his child.

“Don’t worry, my love. You can come here and play with me.”

Thomas turned back to me with a warning look on his face, “You are not to strain yourself.”

“I won’t. But perhaps Ivy could come and read to me?”

With a deep pondering look, Thomas turned to his daughter, finding her pleading yet again to be allowed her fun, and of course, Thomas had fallen victim to the same trap as I had, and now promised to allow her her fun with me. “Very well. I suppose if you do not strain Miss Lizzie, then you have my permission to play with her.” Of course, Ivy turned livid with her father’s permission. “But now, we must let our patient eat her breakfast in peace. Say goodbye, Ivy.”

Ivy gave me her farewell and hopped off the bed, making her way back to the door where she waited for her father to join her. But Thomas was not as quick to leave as she was. No, instead, as he got up from his chair, he leaned over to me and whispered: “May I see you tonight?”

 *

 *

 *

“And how is our patient doing this evening?” Thomas asked as he re-appeared later in the evening, after the house had quieted down from the daily activities and tasks.

Ivy turned around from where she sat yet again in my bed, “Getting better.”

“Is she now?”

“I made her tea. Tea is good for her.” she said, lifting up her own tea set she used for play. Needless to say that the tea had been imaginary, which was a shame, but I suppose it was good for her to continue her normal everyday activities even though I had not felt as well as I normally would have.

“Ivy, why don’t you go to your room? It’s time to wash up and go to bed.”

“No, not yet.” she persisted with a sour face.

“No moaning! Mrs. Bell is waiting for you upstairs and she does not look kindly to those who are late.” Thomas said sternly that even made his little girl listen up at attention. Ivy kissed my cheek goodnight and ran to do the same for her father who opened the door for her, leaving the two of us alone for the first time in days.

“You have a habit of saving me.” I said to him cheekily with a smirk, lying back on the pillows that were propped behind my back.

“You have a habit of getting into trouble, my dear.” he retorted with a wink and slowly walked next to me, towering over me with his tall frame as I still sat in bed. “How do you feel?”

“I’d feel a lot better if there were real tea in this cup,” I said as I lifted up one of Ivy’s toys that were scattered all over my bed, “but other than that, I feel fine.”

Thomas chuckled at the mound of toys his little girl had left all over my room, finding it funny that in a short time of only a few hours, my quarters resembled that of the children’s playroom.

“And how are you?”

“How am I?” Thomas asked with a sigh, pulling the chair he had used earlier in the day closer to where I sat. “I am relieved?”

“Relieved?”

“Yes. I will not hide the fact that I've been worrying myself sick over your health.”

“I’m sorry for making you feel as such.”

“Please do not apologize. None of this was your fault.” said he as he leaned closer to me and took a hold of my hand ever so gently, intertwining his fingers with mine as he laid gentle kisses across my knuckles. “I’m just relieved that you are alive and healthy.”

His care for me, my safety and health was heartwarming and ever so sweet and caring. It was always the small moments like these that really made him shine, allowing him to fully declare his most intimate feelings through little words but with gentle, physical contacts. It was exactly moments like these when I realized that I loved him. I love him and adore him with all my heart and soul, and I could never fall in love with another who made me both insane and incredibly happy.

“Thomas.” I whispered to him, asking him to come closer with my finger.

“What?” he asked with a confused chuckle, leaning towards me slowly only to be caught by my hold on his collar.

“I love you.” I whispered to him, gaining myself a wicked grin right before I kissed him on his soft lips, feeling every bit of warmth he exuded.

Thomas moaned into our rapidly heating kiss with eager vigor, slowly climbing onto the bed as I pulled at his collar. His legs soon trapped mine together as he sat on his shins, cornering me between him and the sturdy bed-frame I leaned against.

With each new kiss his will became more passionate, holding my head completely still with his large, delicate hands as his lips and tongue gave me numerous tastes of complete pleasure and bliss. “I thought you said you would not make love to me?” I whispered jokingly in between stolen breaths, clinging onto his broad shoulders as he only seemed to fall more deeply into his own lust.

“And you said you would not love me.”

“Cheeky.” I chuckled as I pulled away from his lips for a moment. “Will you forgive me?”

“What for?”

“For protesting the love you claim to bear for me.”

Thomas stared at me with an uncertain and confused expression after what I had indirectly tried to indicate to, questioning my sincere and utterly happy smile that I could not but show him. With a slight nod I answered his silent question, allowing myself and him to begin the love-affair he had begged for what had felt like an eternity. “Oh my Elizabeth, you are divine.” he mumbled with hooded eyes as he understood my meaning and answer, returning to his hasty kisses that quickly turned into the lovemaking of two lovers in passion.


	18. Chapter 18

”Good morning.” his voice whispered into my ear as I laid on my stomach under the slight sunlight that came through my dirty window. The smirk in his voice was utterly noticeable, even though he laid half on top of me and half behind me.

“You’re squishing me.” I groaned into my pillow, receiving a slight chuckle as a reply.

“You’re so huggable and warm.” said he as he embraced my waist. His legs rubbed against mine and he laid his head against my back, caring not if he squished me. “So very comfy…”

“We should be getting up soon.” I replied to his physical advancement on my sleepy body, chuckling at his playful demeanor this morning. “I should get Ivy up.”

“Absolutely not!” said he, slowly crawling up on top and completely trapping me between him and the bed, “You are still confined to this bed until the doctor tells us otherwise.”

“Thomas,” I groaned, turning around to face him, opening my legs to accommodate him better and embracing his wide shoulders that trapped me. “I am fine. There is no need for I to lay in bed all day.”

“I would feel more comfortable if you –“

“But _I_ would not.” I interjected, re-affirming that I indeed did feel comfortable in returning back to my daily tasks and routines.

Thomas laid his head against the crook of my neck, snuggling even closer as if an animal looking for warm shelter. “Just one more day? Please?” he asked with a firm grasp on my waist. “Just one more day of recuperation?”

“Why do I have a feeling that you have other alternative reasons to keep me confined to my bed?”

Thomas laughed a breathy chuckle into my ear, slowly raising his head to reveal a rather sinister smile that went along with his hooded eyes. “My dear lady, if it were up to me, I would keep you here for eternity.”

“You would keep me here? Locked up like an animal, only to be freed whenever you wished?”

Thomas shook his head before laying kiss on my forehead. “I did not mean it like that. I would keep you here, because this is one of the only few places I feel completely safe with you in my arms.”

“Oh…” I sighed, feeling slightly guilty of my hasty misinterpretation of his meaning. “I see. Well…” I flushed, looking away from his piercing eyes and charming smile.

“A bit flustered, are we?” he asked with a chuckle, nudging his nose against my cheek to catch my attention. “Don’t worry, my love, I believe I may find a way to ignore it.” said he as he began a trail of kisses down my jaw, neck and clavicle, continuing downwards to my nude chest that was barely covered by the blanket.

“This is your way of ridding me from my flustered state?” I asked as I squirmed under his ticklish lips. Thomas only moaned and laughed as a reply, still continuing with his way down to my bosom and quickly hardening nipples. “Thomas, stop.” I giggled, but he would not heed my request. “The morning is coming to an end. We must get up.”

“Not just yet…” he moaned as he caressed my left breast, paying delicate attention to it with his soft lips. “We still have a few moments left.”

“You are insatiable.” I whispered to him, caressing the back of his head, running my fingers through his frizzled curls as he latched onto my nipple and took his pleasure from the rosy peak.

“Only around you, my love.” said he as he momentarily lifted his eyes and lips from my breast, soon continuing back with his pleasurable activity, which only escalated into a morning of desire and passion.

*

*

*

The next few days following the dreadful accident that had occurred were immensely wonderful. For the first time in months it was as if Thomas and I wee happy hermits, living our lives without a single feeling of remorse about our love. Of course, there had to be certain protocols and steps to be taken in order to keep this affair a secret. But for the most part, fortunately, Thomas and I, and Ivy of course, were left to our own as the rest of the staff did their chores behind closed doors.

But even though their presence was not noted during my own daily activities, there was a sense of slight discomfort that I felt whenever I removed myself from my quarters or the children’s rooms, as if hidden eyes and ears watched and listened. I was not certain if this was just a figment of my imagination, or perhaps this love between I and my love was beginning to harbor the familiar feelings of paranoia. Whatever the reason for these odd feelings all of a sudden, the reminder of her Ladyship’s return only put a strain on my nerves.

During our late night discussions as we laid in bed with the beautiful haze of lovemaking still running through our veins, Thomas had assured me that he would make a tremendous effort to take care of me. I was not at all enthusiastic about the fact that in less than a day, Thomas and I would be yet again be forced to double our efforts to hide our love affair, as the lady of the house would be returning back to Kensington Lisle, and thus, force me to share my love and his bed.

The disgust I felt for this undeniable fact had me shaking with sadness, unable to cope with the truth that we were both in the wrong, no matter how much more he loved me rather than her.

“Elizabeth?” he turned to me as I rolled onto my side, allowing my eyes to cry with the grief my heart felt. “Lizzie, please don’t cry.” he begged, holding my back close to his chest as he soothed my sadness. “I promise we will have a wonderful life together. We will see each other every day, we will speak all the time… The more time I spend with the children, the more time I will have with you as well… It will be as if we were a family.”

I was far less convinced by his absurdly optimistic outlook than he was. “What if it doesn’t turn out as you imagined? What if she suspects something?”

“Elizabeth,” he said, turning me around onto my other side to face him. “no matter what happens, I will take care of you. You need not worry.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

* * *

 

“Daddy daddy.” Lilly screamed with enthusiastic joy as she saw me watching behind the opened doorway to the house. Her short legs hopped off the swinging carriage that still held Caroline and mother, running through the dry snow and onto my arms.

“Well hello, my darling.” I greeted her with a smile, happy to feel her familiar weight on my arms yet again. “How was your holiday in London? Did you have fun visiting grandmamma and grandpapa?” I asked her as I carried her into the warmth of the house. Lilly shook her head, scrunching her face to reveal her dislike.

I don’t blame her, the poor child. With the lack of children her own age to play with, I can imagine her time being quite tedious. “What a shame. But perhaps you should hop upstairs and get cleaned up before bedtime.”

“Yes, perhaps that would be best.” Caroline added as she entered the house, slowly removing her mittens and scarf as she happily returned to her abode. “Papa and I will come and see you to sleep in a moment.”

Lilly listened well and went to; quickly jogging her way to the room she shared with her little sister.

After making sure she was gone and out of hearing range, I turned back to Caroline, “Papa?” I asked surprised and slightly disgusted by this term that she had referred me to. “Since when have I ever been called ‘papa’?” I asked the slightly offending woman who doubled as my wife.

“Thomas,” she sighed as she was helped with taking off her thick coat, clearly paying no mind to the offended tone in my own voice as I called her to question. “It is inappropriate for them to keep calling you ‘daddy’.”

“I believe I shall be the one to decide that.”

“Oh don’t be so gloomy, ‘tis but a word.” said she with a playful grin, giving me a gentle kiss on my cheek as a greeting. “Now, let’s go tuck the girls in, I wish to see Ivy before retiring.”

“Caroline,” I warned her as she began climbing the stairs, “you have been discussing with your parents again, haven’t you?”

“Well we were visiting.” she answered plainly with a hint of sarcasm.

“You know what I mean.” I said with a scowl, not caring for her tone nor her words. “You know I do not wish to have your parents influence the way Lilly and Ivy speak or behave.”

Caroline turned around as she reached the top of the stairs, waiting for I to arrive right behind her.  “They need to start behaving accordingly, Thomas. We cannot have them behaving in such a way or speaking such language before the whole society. It is just not done.” said she as we continued our way.

There, in the girls’ room, we found both our little girls as they eased their way into their own beds. Elizabeth calmly waited in her rocking chair that was between them, holding on tight to one of the fairytale books she enjoyed reading to the children. For a fraction of second, one could see the pure happiness in her eyes and smile as I walked into the room, only to be stolen away as she found out that I was not alone.

Elizabeth dutifully rose from her chair and curtsied to the lady and I, waiting patiently for us to allow her to return to her book.

Given permission to return to her reading, Elizabeth sat down and began the story, much to the enjoyment of the children. Both I and Caroline quietly joined the girls as they laid in their beds, ready to fall asleep. I joined Lilly, sitting on the side of her bed as I tucked her in, Caroline doing the same for Ivy.

There we all sat in the near darkness of the room, all of us transfixed with Elizabeth’s soothing voice as she regaled us with the story of Thumbelina. Every now and again Lilly and Ivy would laugh and chuckle as Elizabeth played out a character, entertaining the children with the many different personas that were illustrated in the storybook.

“Is that her?” Lilly asked as she glanced over, trying to catch a glimpse of the heroine of the story. Elizabeth nodded with a hum as she showed the slight portrait of the main character. “Is she really small?” she asked Elizabeth, beckoning her to hand the book over for a closer look.

“She’s tiny.” Elizabeth answered, handing the book over to Lilly.

“Is that what is living inside mummy?” she asked innocently as she perused through the images of the book, instantly gaining my undivided attention.

Both I and Elizabeth turned towards Caroline, confused by what my daughter had just revealed. “What is living inside mummy, Lilly?” I asked for clarification.

“Thumbelina.” said she absentmindedly.

Caroline blushed slightly at the sudden attention she had in the room, laughing and giggling nervously as I silently expressed my confusion.

“Well, I suppose it was bound to be revealed at some point.” said she with a wide smile, fixing Ivy’s blankets as she rose from the edge of the bed. “Thomas, we’ve been blessed with heavenly news.”

“I don’t understand.” I replied staggered.

“We are to have a child. Isn’t that glorious, Thomas?”

* * *

 

A child. A little baby to be the center of Thomas’ attention. The third installment of his lineage… with his wife… His beautiful wife that carries his child inside her.

I could barely breathe. My chest felt tight as a stretched out rubber band. All the warmth had left my body, leaving me cold and empty. It was as if I had fallen through the ice yet again, but this time I was certain that I would not be saved.

I stared at Thomas silently, unable to form a single word or sound. I could hear my heart pumping loudly, waiting every excruciating second for his reply on the matter. But he seemed just as shocked as I did, completely unable to respond in a timely fashion.

“Thomas?” said Lady Hiddleston. “Are you well, dear?”

Thomas shook his head to wake himself from his trance. “You’re with child? Are you sure? How do you know?” he asked too confused, his words bursting from his mouth with rapid speed without any control.

Lady Hiddleston blushed with a grin as she glanced over to me before returning back to Thomas. “After two children, I suppose I recognize the symptoms by now.”

“Quite right, quite right.” he mumbled under his breath with a deep thought. “When did you find out? How long have you known?”

Lady Hiddleston glanced over once more at my direction as I kept staring at her, which I admit was quite rude of me, although I suppose it was quite justified. The expecting lady took ahold of Thomas’ hand and led him out of the room, continuing the discussion privately in the quiet hallway.

I could barely hear or make out what they said, but by the sound of things, Thomas was still quite shocked about this sudden revelation.

But there I sat with the book still in Lilly’s hands, trying my best to hide my own emotions and keep my tears at bay. Lilly nudged at my side to continue with the story, quickly losing her patience with my stunned state. With her insistence, I continued with the fairytale, trying to ignore my two masters who quite vividly and emotionally discussed through the jarred door about their future.

*

*

*

The night had been utterly dreadful. I had found myself crying into my pillow until the wee hours of the morning, heartbroken and ill with the sadness and despair I felt for my own future happiness with my love.

But I suppose I should refrain from acting the part of the victim in my own love story. I of course knew he had continued with his husbandly duties, he never denied them, but the repercussions had been incomprehensible for me. Too deep was I into my own fantasies that I had disregarded the behavior and dynamics of married life. Of course I should have known that this could have happened.

But what was I to do now? Am I to carry on as if without a care and wait until the child is born, only to raise it like I have raised Lilly and Ivy? And will the lady be true to her promise that she wishes to be more active in her children’s life? Somehow I am not so certain.

So here I stand, completely unknowing of what I should do with this news. The frightening thought of being in charge of an infant daunts my mind. I barely have any experience of child care to begin with, never mind a small baby. Surely the lady would not expect for me to take care of the child?

“Elizabeth?” the familiar soothing voice cheerfully greeted me from the playroom as I folded the linen in the children’s bedroom, focusing deeply on the distressing matter at hand.

I glanced over just to make sure it was him that I dreaded seeing, quickly turning back to my task, saying not a word.

Thomas stepped inside the room, taking his time with each step as if waiting for me to turn around and greet him. But I did not. Instead I remained silent, wallowing in the hurtful feelings I harbored inside of me.

“I apologize for not wishing you a goodnight.” said he as he walked next to me with his hands in his pockets, laying on a slight smile.

“I’m sure you had other things to worry about.” I replied, keeping my focus on the sheets.

I could see the smile on Thomas’ face quickly turn into a frown from the corner of my eye. His hands twitched slightly in his pockets, which was yet another reaction he has whenever he’s under duress. The slight hitch of his breath was a clear sign that he knew exactly what I referred to, making him slightly nervous.

“Perhaps we could have some tea? Just the two of us?” he offered with a hopeful smile, taking steps closer to me while nervously rubbing his hands together.

“Tea?” I asked passively. “Why would you have tea with me? Wouldn’t that raise suspicion?”

“Is it suspicious for an employer to discuss about his children with their nanny over tea?” he laughed jovially, trying to lift up the slightly awkward tension in the room.

“I suppose not.”

“Excellent, I shall call for some tea then.”

“I’d rather you didn’t.” I protested, choosing to rather do my chores than to spend time with him at the moment.

“I’m sorry?” he asked confused.

“I have work to do at the moment. I cannot stop to have tea.”

“I see.” said he slightly hurt as I may have been a tad bit too passive and cold. Thomas took steps closer to where I stood, daring not to touch, but still wanting to be close. “Is everything alright, Lizzie?” he whispered.

“Don’t ‘Lizzie’ me, Thomas.” I snapped at him, the hurt and anger flooding my mind as if a broken dam that could not be fixed. I hated this situation. I hated that in less than a day, more problems arrived to infest what he and I had achieved. I hated having to suffer like this. Hated seeing her receive blessings that he had not meant for her to have. “You have no right to… to ask me for tea.”

Thomas quickly turned around and shut the door to the playroom, hiding our rapidly heating up secret conversation. “Is this about last night?”

“Of course this is about last night!” I scoffed, throwing the sheets against the bed in anger. “How could you?”

“Elizabeth, this does not change a thing.” he pleaded, trying to convince me that this was not but a momentary issue.

“Of course this changes things! This changes everything!”

“Elizabeth, please be reasonable.” he begged and pleaded as he grasped my arm, but I was too hysterical to listen.

I felt as though all the air had been taken away from the room, or that I was squished under a heavy boulder, unable to breathe a single breath. I could not hear a word he said, but instead, fell into the dark abyss that my mind and blackened heart had created, feeling totally empty and incoherent to what was going on around me.


	19. Chapter 19

”Elizabeth? Elizabeth, can you hear me?” I whispered into her ear with vigorous shakes, trying to bring her back to consciousness after she had fainted. Her head was drawn back, her body completely slack in my arms as I managed to catch her before she fell, holding on tightly as if she were a sleeping infant.

Without so much of a reply I carried her to one of the children’s beds and laid her down with her head propped up. I quickly opened the buttons of her neck-high blouse to let the air flow through with ease, all the while gently tapping at her cheek to wake her up. “Elizabeth, wake up.” The lady stirred, her eyelids quickly blinking with speed as she slowly but surely came back to. “Are you alright?”

“I think so.” she sighed disoriented, holding onto my arm tightly as she gained consciousness. “What happened?”

“You fainted.” I replied, bracing her back as she slowly sat back up. “Can I get you anything?”

Elizabeth only mumbled a “no”, shaking her head adamantly as she scooted over to the side of the bed, attempting to get back on her feet. Worried as I was for her well-being, I protested and grabbed at her arm. “Lizzie, please take care. You should rest for a few minutes to gain back your balance.”

“I am fine. Please do not coddle me.” she replied sourly, rising to her feet and breathing in deeply. I pleaded for her to reconsider, offering to walk her back to her own quarters so she could rest. But she was persistent with her reluctance to do so. “I just… I need to be alone now.” said she and walked away, leaving me behind and on my own.

“No!”

Elizabeth halted her steps and turned back towards me with raised eyebrows. “I beg your pardon?”

“You heard me. I said no.” I repeated myself, walking towards her to close the door she had just barely opened, locking us both inside the room. “We are not done here.”

I grabbed a stiff hold on her arm and pulled her to one of the chairs in the room, sitting her down and bending forwards to grab the arms of the chair, practically trapping her in place. “You will listen and listen well.” I said sternly, staring at her eyes without so much of a blink. “I am weary of your attitude and constant testy behavior. I have tried and tried to be as favorable to you as possible without receiving anything in return. Why do you insist on punishing me by being so difficult?”

“Me? Difficult?” she laughed. “My ‘dear’ Thomas, you have not seen me difficult yet.”

“Elizabeth, you will stop this at once! I have had enough.”

“Had enough?” she asked incredulously. “What about me? What about what I have gone through? You are the one that is difficult, the one punishing.”

“Elizabeth, I do not know what else to do. I and Caroline are going to have a baby. That is an unchangeable fact that neither you, I nor Caroline can change.” Elizabeth stirred in her chair uncomfortably, trying to push herself away from my grasp. “But that does not mean that what you and I have has changed. I love you with all my heart, Elizabeth, but you need to realize that I have other people that need my time and attention as well.”

Elizabeth sprung out of her chair with the monumental strength of a thousand, knocking me backwards as her eyes reflected the red flames of anger that she held inside her tiny body. “You promised me that everything would turn out well, that you would take care of me!” she cried out with frustration and hurt, slapping and punching my chest as she confronted me.

“Have I broken that promise?” I replied, frustrated myself that no matter what I would do, what I would say, she would always take the position of the victim, leaving me as the villain in our own love story. “Elizabeth, please,” I begged her to listen, “I cannot make you happy if you do not allow me to try, if you constantly look to find even the slightest ounce of hurt to which to accuse me of giving you. I love you so much, but these games you play… they are so painful and unfair.”

“I cannot live my life like this, Thomas. I cannot raise this child.” said she adamantly with a threatening tone. Her eyes began to weep, yet she did not lose her fiery hatred she harbored against I and the unborn child.

“But you are raising Lilly and Ivy.”

“That is not the same, they are grown up.” she replied with a dismissing wave of her hand. ”I cannot watch as your wife carries your child in her belly and gives birth, only to have a constant reminder for me that the baby _I_ will be nursing is someone else’s.”

“What would you have me do? My love, I want to give you anything you dream of. What do _you_ want?” I truly begged to know.

Her constant mood swings and dramatics had taken the best of her during these few, though months. It had been ever so painful to watch how easily her wide and happy smile in one moment could just as quickly turn into a frown and eventually, be decorated with solemn tears that had fallen from her eyes. It was moments like these that assured my mind that she would be the death of me.

But yet, after allowing her the chance to speak her mind, to tell her wishes, Elizabeth remained completely silent. There she stood, surprised and dumbfounded by my question. “You don’t know, do you?” I continued, shocked myself that after giving her the chance to ask what she wanted, to wish me anything she dreamt of, she could not say a thing. That instant, I could feel my blood boil a thousand degrees as if a volcano had erupted. Anger and disappointment clouded my mind and heart, causing me to severely judge my love’s character. “My God Elizabeth, it’s as if you keep looking for any reason to hate me, to… to argue with me! You keep pestering me of how I wrong you, but you cannot tell me how to make it better.”

“That is not true!”

“Then why do you insist on fighting constantly? I know this will be a difficult transition, but I cannot change the situation.”

“Then perhaps I will.” Elizabeth said with a plain look and rise of her chin.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked her, not understanding her meaning by the cryptic message within her words. “Elizabeth, what did you mean by that?”

“I need to be alone.” she said as she once again turned towards the door, ready to leave our conversation without finishing, which seemed to be a ungodly habit of hers.

“NO!” I yelled at her, dissatisfied by her lack of seeing this through, leaving our discussion without resolution. “You will tell me this instant. No more games. I will not allow you to torment me in such a way.” I said with my own anger reaching a new peak. I followed her towards the door, but I was not fast enough to deny her her exit. “What did you mean!?”

“I cannot be here any longer.” said she as she opened the door. Elizabeth looked at me once more with a solemn look, tears quickly falling down her cheeks as her lips quivered, before she turned away and went through the doorway to the playroom. “I’m sorry, Thomas.”

“Elizabeth? Elizabeth, wait!” I begged her as I went after her, but the crying lady was already gone through the other door, walking with a brisk pace through the corridor. Once I reached the first corridor, I only saw the back of her as she ran to the safety of the servants’ secret pathways she knew oh so very well. I shouted to her, trying to stop her from running away, “Elizabeth Davies, you will halt this instant!” But no matter how I called for her, she would not stop.

“Thomas, what in heaven’s name is going on?” Mother inquired as she stood in the doorway to one of the rooms she enjoyed reading in.

“Not now mother.”

“I say,” she insisted on continuing, stepping out and looking towards the secret doorway that led to the servants’ pathways, seeing just the slightest bit of Elizabeth’s hair and outfit as she slipped through my fingers, “is that nanny of yours disobeying your orders?”

“Not now mother.” I reiterated, continuing in my own brisk pace to catch the offending lady.

But it was Caroline who now interrupted my quest, popping up in front of me just as mother had done. “Thomas, what is going on?” she asked as she came to stand in front of me. Of course I was forced to stop, lest I wanted to cause even bigger of a spectacle.

“Most unheard of…” Mother mumbled as she joined us.  The not so subtle hint of critique was obvious in her tone.

Caroline turned to Mother, “What is?”

“That young nanny has just disobeyed her employer’s command.” Mother answered without so much of a hint of secrecy.

“Elizabeth?” Caroline asked astounded with her eyes wide open.

“Oh, aye.” Mother answered plainly as if a matter of fact.

“Thomas, is everything alright?”

“The two of you will leave this to me.” I replied sternly to the two women. Unfortunately, my command was instantly ignored by the younger of the two ladies.

Caroline turned to me from Mother, questioning me with a serious and worried look on her face. “Is it true what mama said?”

“This girl is quite rude and most unprofessional.” Mother joined in, much to my frustration.

I quickly found this discussion tiresome. I raised my hands to quiet both of the chatty women in front of me, “Both of you will forget what you have just seen, and let me handle this.” I said, accompanied by a raised eyebrow, waiting for the two to agree.

Both ladies nodded with varying degrees of amiability, but ultimately saying not a word in objection. But while Caroline seemed to let the whole issue slide, it was Mother I was most worried of. By her nature, she did not let up so easily. Surely her mind would not let go of such suspicious behavior.

 

* * *

 

The air was dry and cold as I stood quietly in the freezing room of the garden shed that now overlooked the dead garden. I suppose it was an apt comparison to what my relationship with Thomas was. No longer did the flowers bloom with bright colors, no, instead the flowers had wilted away and frozen over, waiting to see past the frosty season whether or not they would survive to see another day.

Perhaps it is a melancholy notion to believe in such things, yet I feel exceedingly calm by this. My behavior towards Thomas was… regrettable, I suppose. My hurt, my anger, was, what I feel, understandable, but perhaps I was still too quick to judge nonetheless. Perhaps… perhaps I was guilty of asking too much of him.

I never considered myself a selfish person. By my honor, I was never hoggish nor did I ever crave attention from others. But there is something about Thomas that brings my heart to a flutter, always has. Was it truly his need to feel loved, the thing he so craved from me? I cannot say. But what he has awoken in me, this kindred need to feel and be loved is so addicting and so increasingly painful all at the same time. It is as if I cannot breathe if he is not with me, if he does not lavish his kisses and caresses onto me. Yet every time he is close to me, I feel that I cannot truly have him as I wish, that I cannot be me myself with him nor he with I. I fear that he has ruined my chance to love another for the duration of my life. How can I honorably love another, when he is the one that haunts my mind and heart?

The slightest warmth of hope that still lingers inside me is the only remnant of the summer love we shared. It is the only thing that keeps me warm in this coldness as I look out of the dirty window of the shed, feeling the frozen breeze even in my bones.

“You are lucky that the girls are independent enough to handle being alone all this time.” his voice said. For a moment, I felt as though I was imagining his voice in my head, weren’t it for the loud clang of the hinges that broke my concentration as Thomas stepped in.

I dreaded turning around to face him, fearing that even the sight of him would cause me to tear. My lack of bravery to face my own love sickened me. Was this who I had become? A fearful little girl who could not face the consequences of her own actions?

“How-how did you find me?” I asked with a slight stutter, my throat dry by the crying and weeping I had done during the course of the previous hour.

I could hear Thomas take steps closer, but yet, he did not touch. “Your friends work for me.” he said plainly and to the point. I nodded, understanding that someone from below stairs must have revealed my secret hiding spot. Thomas cleared his throat and walked next to where I stood, turning around and leaning his backside and hands against the table in front of me that held the many flowerpots and tools. “You caused quite the stir this afternoon.”

I still did not dare look at him, opting to look straight and out of the window in order to avert his piercing gaze I knew would melt my heart and cause me to cry yet again. “It was not my intention.”

“And yet you are the subject of gossip nonetheless.”

“It was _you_ who ran after me, yelling and shouting about.” I protested, now turning towards him, outraged by his accusation.

“It was _you_ who ran from _me_ … again.” he replied calmly but with a hurtful look. He was visibly saddened, tortured one might even say. My intention was not to hurt him, but yet, my own fear of getting hurt was unyielding, forcing me to remove myself from the pressuring situation in the children’s bedroom.

“I believe it was justified.”

“It was not. It is not fair that you cower away after the first sign of trouble, leaving me all alone to deal with an unresolved situation.” he said quietly with a brooding look. It was now his turn to avoid my gaze, opting to look down to the floor as he crossed his arms and rubbed his forearms. The poor man must have searched for me the moment he lost me, as he now stands in the cold shed without even a jacket or a pair of gloves and scarf.

“You cannot expect me to tend to your children _and_ be waiting on you hand and foot. I am not your plaything. Surely you must see this?” I begged, trying to make him see my side of this gruesome situation.

“I have never treated you thusly, and I am offended that you think so little of me.” he said softly but with clear resentment. “After all this time, you severely misjudge me.”

“Misjudge you?” I asked incredulously. “You are the one betraying your wife.”

“And you are my accomplice.” he retorted, turning back to face me. His hands took a hold of my face, holding on tightly but with such gentle care. “And yet, I love you with all my heart. Elizabeth, if the circumstances were any different, I would devote each and every day of my life to you.”

“But you can’t.”

Thomas shook his head gently, “No I can’t. My love, I have duties I must fulfill towards my children, but I can’t go on without you.”

This was exactly what I had suspected. Even in the best of times, I never doubted his affection and his feelings of love towards me. But I fear a line in this heinous act of ours has been crossed. His caresses ever so sweet could not erase the fact that I could never truly be his. Even with his earlier promises of care, I doubt that it would ever turn out to be for my own benefit. His place is with his wife, his children and the unborn child. Not with a nanny… not with a servant.

“Please say something.” Thomas said, making me realize that I had not said a single word edgewise in response. “Elizabeth, say you love me.” he asked ever so sweetly, running his thumbs across my lips and cheeks, trying to coax my admittance for this love. “Please say you love me.” he begged more desperately.

“I love you…” I admitted sedately, which was not a lie by any means. Yet I fear, this time it is not enough. “But I cannot go on any longer.”

“Never leave me like that again, Elizabeth.” he whispered to me after he roughly kissed my lips, physically begging me to stay and to be with him there and now.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized, taking ahold of his hands and lowering them away. A slight silent panic was edged on his face as I took a step back, accompanied by another, leaving him alone once more and for the last time. “I am so sorry.”

 

* * *

 

“You there!” The voice of the dowager shouted at me. I stopped in my already lazy steps as I came back inside from the cold.

“Yes, Madame?” I asked with all the patience that was still left in my tired body after our emotionally draining discussion in the shed.

“Come here girl.” said the dowager as she called for me to join her in the empty parlor. The elderly lady sat in her chair, looking me up and down with a sharp eye as I stood in front of her. “Tell me, what is your name?”

“Davies, Madame. Elizabeth Davies.”

The dowager nodded slowly. “You are the nanny to my grandchildren?”

“I am, Madame.” I answered.

“For how long?”

“Since last summer, Madame.”

“I see.” said the dowager, quite clearly thinking in her undoubtedly brilliant mind. Her hand grasped at the glass knob on her elegant walking stick, which seemed to indicate a slight tension she may have felt. I on the other hand had no such luxury. Instead, I only had my hands to grasp at, hoping that she would not see my nervousness so clearly. “Tell me girl, is it customary in this house to disobey one’s employer’s orders? Or perhaps, is my son not up to his title?”

“I beg your pardon, Madame. I do not understand your meaning.” I asked shocked by her frankness. I feared that I would eventually have had to deal with my objection to Thomas’ orders, but never would I have thought it would have been the dowager who would hold court in my trial.

“You are disrespectful, ‘little girl’. While you reside under this household, are employed by this household, you are ordered to show respect towards your masters and behave accordingly.” said the dowager frankly and with very little politeness. “I should have you removed.”

“Madame, I-“ I begged but was immediately silenced.

“I did not permit you to speak!” she raised her voice, banging the bottom of her walking stick against the floor. “You are here to listen, not to speak. There will be no disobedience here from now on, or else I will make sure you will be thrown out. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Madame.” I replied simply, not wishing to cause her any further reason to discipline me.

The dowager waved for me to be dismissed, sighing exasperated by the disobedience I had shown earlier today. “Oh!” she exclaimed, making me stop in my tracks and turn back around to meet her yet again. “And whatever your business with Lord Hiddleston in the garden shed was… make sure it was the last time the two of you do it in such a hiding place.”


	20. Chapter 20

She knew… I do not know how, but she had found out. The burning sensation of nausea burned my throat as I ran along the corridor and to the hidden laundry room, spilling every fiber inside of my sick stomach into the nearest basin. This was indeed a grievous mistake, surely to have serious consequences if it so pleased the dowager to pursue them.

But there I stood, hunched over, covered in sweat, tears and everything ghastly with no hope in sight. Perhaps the time had come for I to depart from this place of torment and anguish while it is still possible. With the dowager suspecting my every move and behavior, would it not make it twice as hard to conceal any and all uncordial behavior between me and Thomas, if the situation every formed as such?

But what to do? Where to go? No matter how difficult my stay here had become due to my own misbehaved actions, this is all that I know. This is home, has always been.

“Elizabeth? Is everything alright?” Anna asked as she peeked through the jarred door that I had just burst through. My dear and loving friend, who I had so mistreated by my lack of presence, looked quite worried as I stared back at her over my shoulder. What a horrid sight must I seem to her; gross faced and pale.

“Yes, I am fine.” I answered, though I suspect she did not believe my words; too familiar with my behavior was she that she could tell if anything was to the contrary. “Just feeling a tad bit indisposed at the moment.”

Anna stepped inside the laundry room, shutting the door behind her and making her way straight towards me. “You do not look well. Perhaps I should ask for a doctor to be called?” said she worriedly as she placed her hands on my cheek and forehead. “You do feel a tad bit warm.”

“I thank you for your care, but I assure you I am fine.” I said with a slight chuckle, trying to laugh the whole thing off as mere foolishness.

“Please reconsider, Elizabeth,” she continued her pursuit as I went passed her to the nearest mirror, fixing myself back to being presentable amongst the household. “What if you are falling ill? Would the children not catch it as well?”

“Your care is most admirable, Anna, but nothing is wrong.”

With my reassurance, Anna quieted, choosing rather to see for herself that I was indeed fine, rather than believe my words. But I cared not. I continued with my own washing up, cleaning the filthy mess I had made in the basin. But something pressed against the back of my mind; something that still needed to be resolved.

“Anna,” I said deep in thought as I cleaned the basin, “was it you who told the lord of my whereabouts?”

Anna remained silent as she stared at my direction. The worry in her face increased, but it did not seem due to panic of getting caught, but of something else.

“Yes, it was I who told him.” said she honestly. I asked my friend why: why would she tell on her best friend? Why would she disclose the only place that was my own? “Elizabeth, you have changed,” she said. She crossed her arms as the quiet atmosphere in the room changed into one of uncomfortable stillness, “you seem to be so sad and tense as of late. I feared you were in danger of hurting yourself.”

“I am more than capable of taking care of myself, thank you.” I spat at her, to which she flinched in surprise.

My friend nodded sadly in her corner, “I do not know what is wrong, but I pray that soon it will be over. I miss my friend. I miss _my_ Elizabeth.”

 

* * *

  

*Caroline’s pov*

 

“Thomas?” I knocked loudly on the locked hardwood door to his study, wishing to know whether or not he was even alive after these past four days. My usually calm and somewhat mundane of a husband had taken to locking himself inside his study. This of course is nothing out of the ordinary, since he manages most of his business there, but the lack of his presence during the mornings and evenings of the past days has had me quite worried.

“Thomas?” I knocked again but did not receive a reply. This only intimidated me further, as he was not one to not answer a call. “Thomas, open this door please. You have me quite scared now!” I yelled through the door, but still no answer.

“Good morning, milady.” Mr. Harrison greeted me with a slightly solemn tone, understanding my irritation due to the lack of communication from my husband. Oddly enough, our more than helpful butler was the only person who was able to talk with my husband, as he alone was granted access. After the first day I was of course furious to learn this.

“Still no answer, milady?” Harrison asked slightly uncomfortable as he arrived at the door with a maid who held a tray of food in her hands and a key to the locked room that only he was allowed to possess, per my husband’s apparent request.

“No answer.” I replied with a deep sigh, massaging my temples that were plagued with the dreadful thoughts of what was going inside that room. “Oh Harrison, I do so fear for his safety. He’s never acted in such a way before.”

“Shall I check on him, milady?” Harrison asked, to which I agreed.

Harrison nodded and took the key, opening the lock before pulling the key out and placing it on the tray yet again. Now it was Harrison’s turn to hold the trey of food as the maid opened the door for him to get in, only to be locked yet again but from the inside.

It felt excruciatingly long to simply wait and stand there in front of the door, as if I were but a mere dog waiting to hear any news from my master that was the center of my world. So once the lock was turned and Mr. Harrison arrived back, it took nearly my whole sensible self to not attack him in order to hear the news of my Thomas.

“How is he? Is he well?”

Harrison handed over a tray that held the untouched remnants of last night’s supper; cold and dreadful, just as my fears towards my husband who I thought was gravely ill. “I’m afraid he is not in a talkative mood, milady.”

“But what is wrong?” I sighed frustrated by the lack of helpful information.

“I fear I do not know the origin of his troubled state, milady. He merely sits and stares out of the window in complete silence.”

“This cannot continue, Harrison. I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO TREAT YOUR FAMILY THUSLY!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, banging on the thick door that separated Thomas from us.

“Milady, please think of the child…” Harrison begged carefully.

“I CANNOT TAKE CARE OF THIS BABY WHILE YOU REMAIN IN SECLUSION! YOU MUST COME OUT AT ONCE!

“Mummy, what is wrong?” Lilly asked as she, her sister and their nanny walked along the corridor from their playroom, slightly disturbed by my panicked state.

“Nothing. Nothing is wrong, my darling. Papa is merely working a bit too hard at the moment and won’t come out to play.” I said, trying my hardest to assure the children that indeed everything was as it should, but by the look on Elizabeth’s face, I fear that my credibility was not of the highest sort.

 

* * *

 

What the lady did not know was that I was partially to blame for her husband’s radical change in demeanor, and thus, a culprit to her own misery as of late. Well, perhaps a little more than just a culprit… I had heard of the ruckus that went off momentarily after Thomas had returned from the garden shed, where we had our spat. The thundering noises emanating from his study could be heard all around the manor. The booms and cracks that accompanied his yells were disconcerting, but it was the icy cold silence afterwards that haunted and scared me. For four days not a word could be heard from him or from the study. It was only Mr. Harrison’s word that he was alive that comforted us, but I fear it is only a matter of time before the Lady Hiddleston loses her mind due to worry and orders to be let in… whether by key or by bringing the door off it’s hinges.

“Any word, ma’am?” I quizzed, hoping that he had at least sent a message through Harrison. But straight away it was quite obvious by the lady’s frustration, this was not the case.

“I fear he is being quite stubborn at the moment.” said she, pulling herself back together again. “Perhaps the children could lure him back to us…” she mumbled in deep thought, worrying her upper lip in deep concentration.

“My apologies, ma’am, but I was just about to take them to their tutor.”

The lady waved her hand, scoffing at herself. “Of course, of course… My mind betrays me at times. Please continue.” she said and bent over, kissing both girls on the cheek for goodbye before turning back towards the mysterious door and the key master who stood next to her.

*

*

*

I was quite terrified of his lordship’s sudden silence. The crisp air that blows against my face as I walk alone along the snowy pathway to town is merely a small nuisance among the present matters. The daunting feeling that his change in mood can be traced back to my denial of him haunts me. But why would he act in such a way? Is this punishment for me, for what I did or said to him? Surely he would not act in such a way due to my dissolving of our affair?

But whatever the reasoning behind his peculiar moodiness and silence, it had made life nearly unbearable in the manor. Her ladyship with her belly growing with each day, worries herself with the lack of news of her silent husband that keeps to himself. Added to that, her need to gain me as an ally over the matter has me quite uncomfortable.

“Elizabeth!” I heard a voice call out from behind me. Of course I knew that voice; the voice of a tender young man full of life and hope, and whom I had sadly dismissed over the course of Christmas and the New Year. “Elizabeth, beautiful maiden, you have returned.” Jacob said with a wide, warm smile. His body was all aquiver, but not of the cold. The closeness of his body, his hands that grasped at each other, all indicated that he begged affection, that much was certain, but his hold on his propriety was nevertheless admirable.

“Good day, Jacob. You are looking well, how are you?”

“I am heartbroken.”

“Heartbroken? How so?” I asked confused, since I was not aware of a special lady he fancied.

“I am heartbroken because of you. Not a word from you since before Christmas, you have not attended church as you used to, no letters… I was beginning to fear you had abandoned me.” he replied, but the happy smile on his lips assured me that he held no grudge.

“My sincerest apologies, Jacob. I fear that my services over the holidays were quite needed, and therefore I did not have much time for myself.” While at least part of that was true, I could not bring myself to confide in him that my services were needed in more elaborate of ways and in quite ungodly of situations, not to mention my slight accident on the ice which would have his blessed heart running in circles if he were to know. “I hope you are not upset with me?”

“I cannot say that I am pleased with the long silence,” he began solemnly, but soon took a steady yet delicate grasp on my hand, assuring me that it would all be alright, “but I could never be upset with you.”

His honesty and hopefulness was sweet and heartwarming. His hands that held mine like a delicate flower, gently rubbed my clammy ones, bringing slight warmth out of the friction. “Are you in a hurry?” he asked.

“The children are with their tutor. I must return to them in two hours. Why?”

Jacob smirked a sly grin, pulling my hand as he began to walk down one of the side roads that led through the frozen forest. “Come and have tea.”

“Tea sounds lovely, but where are we going?”

“Home.”

*

*

*

‘Home, as Jacob said, was quite homely indeed. The two story cottage was small, but quite comfortable for the family of three, which whom I currently sat with while drinking tea. Jacob’s father Elias was just as merry as he always was, regaling jovial stories of his own youth that Jacob silently dismissed as highly exaggerated tales of nonsense.  

Jacob’s mother on the other hand was quite the silent lady but oh so warm and kind, which certainly had taken place in Jacob’s own personality. Rosie was quite the doting mother to her only child and Jacob seemed to adore her in every way, showing fondness upon her from pulling the seat out for her to fetching her shawl for when she felt the cold draft.

“I remember your mother from when you were just a small child,” the woman said as the two of us sat around the table chatting. Elias had gone out after our tea to fetch more wood for the dying fire next to where we sat. Jacob hummed gently as he cleared the table, dancing around merrily as us ladies sat comfortably. “I didn’t know her all that well, but what I do recall was that she worked very hard ‘till she was tired, trying to keep the two of you happy.” Rosie said, thinking deeply to the memories of past years. Her memories of my mother brought a happy feeling deep inside me, feeling grateful that I was not alone in remembering her spirits. “Yes, I remember. She was ever so very glad you were brought to Kensington Lisle as a child. She feared that you would end up in streets of London or some other ungodly place; miserable and unsafe…”

“Yes, well…” I mumbled under my breath. “I suppose it could have been worse.”

“But my dear, I hope you do not undervalue what you have?” Rosie said with sincerity and with concern.

“I just wish I could have had more time with her. A happy home… that is all.” The memories of my long deceased mother were far and few. I did not hide the fact that I was disappointed with her decision to give me up as a young child, but neither could I say that I despised her for it.

“Surely you realize she had no other choice? It was for your own good that you were sent into service. And look how far you have come, my dear.”

“What now?” Jacob joined back, trying to lift up the mood with his usual cheery self. “You have a whole manor as your home and wonderful children under your care. Surely that must be a happy home to live in?”

Rosie nodded vigorously at her son’s comment. While in a perfect setting, that would have been true, but unfortunately my intertwining with the current lord had left much to be desired in this ‘happy home’. “Actually, I am considering leaving the service of Lord and Lady Hiddleston.” I replied honestly. The conclusion of my affair with Thomas, combine with the apparent change in my own behavior, had been the final nails in the coffin, and I felt as though it was indeed time for me to leave this house of madness.

Jacob looked at me with a slack jaw as he heard my words, shocked by my seemingly sudden decision. “Why would you leave? Are the lord and lady not treating you well?”

“They treat me just fine,” I said, which of course was only partly true, “but I fear that I am trapped there; a slave without hope of living my own life as I see fit.”

“Take care, Elizabeth.” Rosie said warningly, “There are plenty of people who would rejoice working in such a position as you. Do not make this decision to leave lightheartedly.”

“Well I think it is brave.” Jacob said succinctly. “If you are not happy there, you should find something else. It is not foolish to try and find happiness.”

I smiled at the foolhardy young man who sat next to me, glad to have a supporter on my side. ”Thank you, Jacob.”

*

*

*

“Elizabeth?” Jacob called out as we walk along the pathway back into town. He had taken into being quite quiet, almost as if in deep thought. I replied to him openly, looking at his face as we kept on walking. But he only stared down at his feet, reminding me of a young schoolboy too intimidated to ask a question. “Where you serious about what you said earlier?”

“What do you mean?” I asked slightly confused, wondering what he was referring to.

“When you said that you were considering leaving Kensington Lisle. Did you mean it?”

“I am sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned the whole issue. The lord and lady are superb employers and-“

“But did you mean it?” he repeated, cutting my reply short.

I pondered for just a moment, but the truth of the matter was quite evident. There was nothing left for me in Kensington Lisle. Nothing but a broken heart and a broken mind, formed of the despicable acts I had made against my mistress and God himself. “Yes, I meant it.”

Jacob nodded and retuned back to his pondering, making the walk back silent due to the lack of conversation. His silence was quite out of place and odd, and I wondered what was going through his busy mind. “Is something the matter?”

Jacob lifted his head and turned to me quite seriously, stopping dead in his snowy tracks. “Would you consider working for my father?”

“I beg your pardon?” I asked, shocked and stunned by his sudden proposal.

“I am sure my father would be in need of help, now that the crop yield has increased over the last few years… Or perhaps something in the lines of basket making, sewing or even bakery?”

“Jacob, I thank you for the care and hospitality you have shown me, but I couldn’t possibly-“ I began, but the young man before me would not have any of it.

His eyes glowed with hope as he spoke of alternatives, wishing to find me in a position which would no doubt allow him better access to my company. “It isn’t grand, I’ll give you that, but it would mean a life out of service. Would you not consider it? Would you not consider me?”

“Oh Jacob, my foolhardy friend, it isn’t that simple. There are protocols I must abide, I must find lodging… It isn’t that easy to just leave.” I answered slightly strained as I in avertedly found myself making excuses. It wasn’t that I did not find his help and suggestions comforting, but it was the thought of leaving my beloved girls, my life and memories behind that I found so difficult. Kensington Lisle was home to me, had been for nearly my entire life. The offer he presented was daunting, regardless that I had pondered leaving service after my continuous arguments with the lord of the house. “Please give me time to consider, Jacob.” I asked pleadingly, offering my hand to him, beckoning him to continue our walk back into town. “Now come on, walk me back.”

The desperate hope and glimmering happiness in Jacob vanished right before my eyes as if a dark cloud had formed above us. With his brow furrowed he stood disappointed, a strong line upon his lips threatening to form as a frown. “He will never have you as his own.” he stated clearly and bravely, shocking me still with what he said.

“Who?” I asked, though I knew who he had meant.

“Lord Hiddleston.” said he, the clear disappointment evident not only upon his face but in the words he spoke. “I’ve seen the way he looks upon you, Elizabeth, and it isn’t right. He is married and you are too good to fall into his trap.”

“Do not dare to assume, Jacob! There is nothing between Lord Hiddleston and I.”

“I merely want to see you happy. I care for you too deeply to let you fall into such a disgrace.”

“I do not feel comfortable discussing this matter any further, Jacob.” I replied to him annoyed that he pushed the matter further. I turned away and began walking down the road, wishing to end this discussion, but he only persisted.

“Elizabeth, please listen.” he begged and took ahold of my hand, turning me around to face him. He held me gently by the jaw with his free hand, running his thumb across my cheek so lovingly and tenderly as he spoke of his worries for me. “I love you so much, but I fear you will not be safe or feel loved and wanted if you were to stay inside that house.”

“Your concern is admirable, but you have nothing to worry about.” I replied succinctly. “Now, will you return me to town or shall I make my own way back?”

*

*

*

“Has anything changed, Mr. Harrison?” I asked the elderly man as I bumped into him while walking from the children’s room after tucking them in. The butler seemed rather grim and tired as he locked the door to Thomas’ study, safely securing the room from any intruders.

“His lordship wishes to remain alone, I’m afraid.” he replied as he placed the key in the pocket of his jacket, safely hidden from anyone’s grasp.

But the lack of news of his wellbeing was still gravely depressing and worrying, and the inexistent news of his activities even more so. “But what does he do in there all the day?”

“I am not in liberty to disclose his lordship’s private activities to you, miss.”

“I beg your pardon, I did not mean to pry. I was merely curious.”

The elderly man nodded slightly as he scrunched his nose, looking down at my curious self before he left to continue on with the rest of his duties. With the hallway left unattended and silent, I grouched down on my knees and looked through the tiny keyhole, hoping to find or even hear any signs of life inside the room. Unfortunately my endeavor remained unsuccessful.

With the coast still clear from bystanders and curious eyes, I lifted up my skirt and fished a secret letter I had written for the loner in my spare time. I knocked thrice at the door, hopefully catching his attention before sliding the letter underneath the door.

But no indicating sounds of footsteps could be heard. I only hoped that this would change in the course of the next day, before making my final decision about staying here at Kensington Lisle.


	21. Chapter 21

“Miss Davies.” Mrs. Bell called for me as I passed through one of the service corridors on my way to my room after putting the children to sleep. The day had been quite tedious as the tension within the household only tightened. Yet another day without so much of a word from the gentleman upstairs. The lady of the household had finally broken down into tears during the afternoon out of frustration, for which I felt so terribly sorry for since she was already under duress due to the growing child inside of her. Even the children were beginning to act rather irrational, knowing that their father kept to himself and refused to come out.

“Yes, ma’am?” I replied to the older lady as I returned from my thoughts, walking towards her as she waited with an impatient look on her face.

“There is a young man calling for you.” she said with a suspecting eye, not approving of gentlemen callers at such a late time, which she had on more than one occasion made quite clear to the girls in her staff. “Deal with this. Quickly.” she continued with a slight scowl before leaving.

I was rather surprised to hear that I had a visitor, since this was quite out of the ordinary. Yet I did have a slight suspicion of who this young man was. Actually, I was dreading of meeting him after my less than ladylike behavior the other day. The shame I felt afterwards was horrid to the extreme, yet I had not the courage to face him afterwards to apologize for my behavior and sour attitude. His proposal, his _offer_ , truly had been quite admirable and an excellent example of his wonderful kindness towards my person.

I walked through the narrow halls of the servants’ dining area and lounge, making my way to the back door that situated at the side of the manor, out of sight of the front garden. And just as I had suspected, there stood Jacob, swaying from leg to leg, keeping himself active from the coolness of the air.

“Jacob? What are you doing here at such a late hour? It is nearly nine o’clock.”

“I hope I am not disturbing you Elizabeth, but I had to see you again.” he said with a smile as I walked outside to where he stood. “I realize I may have been… well, a tad bit forceful with my proposition.” he said awkwardly with a slight look of shyness etched on his boyish face. His hands gently warmed my arms as he saw me shiver out in the cold without so much of a shawl on, trying desperately to make me warm.

“I thank you for taking an interest in my well-being and liveliness, Jacob. You are a true friend.” I replied softly with a smile, knowing well that he only wished the best for me. “It is just… things are a bit hazy at the moment, I just haven’t been myself lately.

Jacob shook his head in disagreement. “No, no it is I. I fear…” he began but stopped suddenly, deeply contemplating on whether or not to continue with his thoughts. The uncertainty of whatever he felt inside clearly trifled his mind. His face, his body reflected it oh so well and plainly for me to see. “I fear that I have not made my intentions clear and perhaps you may have misinterpreted my meaning.” he said as he looked down at the ground between us. “I wished for you to work for my father yes, but I wished for you to do it so that I could be closer to you… that I could… court you, and perhaps...”

“Perhaps what?” I asked, keenly waiting for him to continue with his intentions. Of course his affection towards me had not been unobserved; he has always made his affectionate and kind behavior open for everyone to see, but I nevertheless was quite interested in seeing how far his infatuation would go.

But I certainly was not expecting to hear the reply that he so openly gave: “Perhaps you would be as kind as to consider being my wife someday?”

“Jacob, are you asking me to –“

“To marry me? Well, yes. If you would have me.” he answered shyly with a smile.

I was more than a little shocked by his frankness, immediately understanding his trepidations from just a moment ago. But never would I have imagined him to propose such a thing and so suddenly, but then again, I suppose he does not abide by the same rules that have governed me in the household I have lived under.

“Jacob, of course I would have you, any right-minded girl would, but this is all too much and too soon.” I replied slightly unsettled by the rush of mixed emotions that ran through me.

“Elizabeth, I know that I have very little to offer you, especially after living in such a house as this,” said he, looking over my shoulder and nodding towards the large manor behind my back, “but I am hardworking and honest, more than capable of providing for a family.”

“I don’t know what to say…” I replied stunned, staring straight at him as if his face had the answers I was looking for. “All this comes so suddenly and as quite a shock.”

Jacob soothed my cold cheek as I stood motionless in shock, trying to catch my wits in this odd turn of events. “I am sorry.” said he as he stared down into my eyes, holding me close as he whispered his words ever so carefully. “I do not wish to pressure you, but I cannot hide my true feelings any longer, no matter what you may think of me.”

“I think you to be most kind and gentle. So happy… and you always make me so happy, as well.” I replied with a slight mumble. Jacob indeed was every bit a girl like I could ever wish for. He was a dear friend and I loved him dearly, but my only fear is for his own happiness. Would I be enough for him? Could _I_ make him happy?

“Will you have me then?” he asked, hopeful for a pleasing answer.

“I-I-I will consider it. That is all I can promise you.” I replied honestly. I hated myself for not giving him a proper and glad answer, but this was indeed quite a proposition and admittance on his part, so I suppose it should be granted a serious consideration, rather than a hasty answer that could potentially hurt or humiliate him later on.

But Jacob smiled confidently, happy to even be given deliberation on the matter. “May I?” he asked as he held my jaw gently in his hand, rubbing the tip of his thumb across my bottom lip as he stared at my face with affection.

I nodded to his request and allowed him to bend down and kiss me with such gentleness and loving affection, something that was always consistent when it came to his kisses.

*

*

*

“Elizabeth? Would you come in here please?” The Lady’s voice rang from the sitting room as I passed the open door. It surprised me that after all this time, her voice still manages to alert my senses.

Dutifully I conceded to with my duty and entered the room where she sat with a book on her lap. “Yes ma’am, you called?”

“I did. Elizabeth, I have gained news from what I consider to be a credible source, that you are feeling ill. Is there any truth to this?”

Silently I cursed my friend who had caught me heaving in the laundry room the other night. “I assure you ma’am, it is nothing to worry about.” I replied, delicately wishing for her to not press the matter any further, but alas, she did not stop with her pursuit.

“So you are ill?” said she, to which I could not say a thing, now that I had unwittingly confirmed the rumor.  “If it were not for my children, I would take the guarantee of your word.” she said stoically. The Lady closed the book on her lap and placed it on top of the little table next to her, “But as it so happens, I shall not take the chance of my children succumbing to whatever you are going through.”

“My lady, I am merely a tad bit fatigued. I do not have a fever nor do I feel ill.”

The Lady smiled and nodded, but briskly waved her hand to silence me. ”I am sure there is nothing wrong if you say so, but I have made arrangements for the doctor to examine the children _and_ you as a precaution.”  

*

*

*

“It would seem as though the Lady Hiddleston worried for naught. The children are in tip-top shape.” the doctor said jovially as he massaged his fingers against my throat, underneath my jaw. The middle-aged bearded man who acted as the family doctor examined my health despite my assurance that I was well.

“I told her ladyship that nothing was the matter. But I suppose it is a mother’s mind that needs re-assuring.” I replied slightly annoyed, but still trying my best to hide the slight resentment I felt towards her for making me see the doctor.

“Indeed, quite right.” the man laughed as he returned to his chair behind his desk, quickly writing his findings, or lack thereof, on a piece of paper. “You seem to be quite healthy. No signs of the ongoing flu or other anomalies.”

“As I said: nothing to worry about.”

The doctor finished his writing and laid his pencil down, taking off his spectacles and placing them on his desk slowly but dramatically. The man stared deeply into my face with a questioning look, his instincts clearly reading something from my face that differed from the words I spoke. “Miss Davies, what is wrong?” he asked softly. “You know your words are safe with me.”

I shook my head as if nothing was wrong, hoping he would leave it at that. But he did not. “Fine,” I scoffed with slight frustration, knowing he would not stop until I would tell him something. “I find myself fatigued more often, accompanied by dizziness. And soreness in my… chest.” I said awkwardly as I hinted towards my bosom.

The doctor kept still, staring and nodding as if a friend listening to my worries as I spoke. “Do you find yourself nauseous in the morning or during the day?”

“Occasionally.” I replied shyly, discontinuing our eye contact as I felt a slight maddening pressure forming in the back of my head. “I have been avoiding breakfast for the first few hours.”

“I see. And what of the usual female bodily functions?” he asked softly, his hands clasped together. “Have you bled recently?”

It was quite obvious that he and I both knew what the matter was. I had tried my best to keep my secret hidden for as long as possible, but now that he knew, I found myself unable to keep my tears of panic and worry at bay. “Doctor, I-I can’t –“ I tried to explain, but could not continue. I felt so ashamed and alone with this secret, no one to confide in and to ask for help. I am without a husband, no class, barely any money and growing my married lover’s child in my belly. I feel so lost and without any hope.

The doctor rose up from his seat and sat next to me, offering a handkerchief as I sat crying hysterically. But he did not seem to judge. No, instead he took my hand and caressed it, softly speaking with careful words, “I assure you, Elizabeth, this is not the first time this has occurred. But I do warn you, something must be done before you are found out, lest you be shunned by everyone you know.”

“What am I to do?” I asked between gulps of breath.

“Perhaps you have friends or family who could help you?”

I shook my head to the contrary. “I have no one. Kensington Lisle is all I have ever known.”

The doctor looked away, trying to hide his solemn look from me. But I knew what that look meant. The hopelessness was etched on his face. “I’m afraid there aren’t many choices for you to choose from. You may try to hide the child, but eventually the household will find out you are expecting.”

*

*

*

“Excuse me, Miss Davies.” Harrison stopped me as I came from the children’s room after tucking them in. “Are the children sleeping already?”

“They are, I just finished reading to them. May I help?” I asked the man.

Harrison sighed slightly and furrowed his brow. “His Lordship has asked for me to deliver a letter to the young ladies. He insisted that you, and only you, were to read it to them.” he said and removed a letter from a pocket inside his jacket.

I stared at the sealed enveloped in his hands and realized this must have been Thomas’ response in disguise to my own letter. Hesitantly I took a hold of the letter, inspecting it under the watchful and curious eye of Mr. Harrison, who seemed to be quite intrigued of the letter as I was. “Thank you, Mr. Harrison. I shall read it to them tomorrow morning.” I said with a curtsey and went on my way to my bedroom, wishing to open the mysterious letter he had written.

 

_My dearest Lizzie_

_Why do you insist on breaking my fractured soul even more? Must I act false to my nature and say that I do not love you, so you may feel satisfied? Nay, I say. I will not grant you the pleasure of a clear conscience, for I do not wish for you to leave me. I beg of you, do not remove yourself from this house just as I have selfishly banished myself from your company._

_My love, I understand your pain and dilemma on the matter of our love. It is regrettable that it is forbidden, but yet I still do not wish for it to end. I love you my sweet, though I sit here in my office, heartbroken and distraught of your cold denial of me. My heart yearns for you night and day. I keep having the same dream time and time again as I sleep, and it is of you, my sweet Elizabeth. It is the summer and I find myself walking in the rose garden. There I find you pruning the beautiful flowers; your long braided hair swinging from side to side as you work under the warm sun. I call out for you, but you do not reply to me. I walk closer to you until I stand only a foot away. I can see by the sight of your jaw that you smile gladly, but yet you do not answer me as I call your name. Why, my love? Why will you not turn to me?_

_I find myself distraught as I write this to you, my love. My days here I have spent looking out of the window. The month, now turned to February, has begun to melt it’s layer of snow. But the air still freezes the ground and the windows, just as your lack of love has frozen my soul. I beg you my Valentine, do not choose that farmer’s boy that I see you kissing near my window, as I now write to you._

_My heart aches to see such a sight. I love you my Elizabeth, so I beg you once more that you not leave me, for I could not bear the emptiness that would be left in your place._

_I wish to know your answer, my Valentine: Will you still be mine as I am thine?_

_Thomas_

* * *

 

“Enough is enough!” I found myself screaming at the door yet again under duress. “I have had enough of this, Thomas! OPEN THIS BLOODY DOOR!” But nothing happened. Not a sound, no indication of any activity behind the door, which of course was no surprise.  

Mr. Harrison looked quite uncomfortable as he stood next to me in front of the door, bothered by the inevitability that he would soon be forced to break the promise he made to my husband. “Mr. Harrison, open the door.” I turned to him, trying to gain what little composure I had left in front of the staff.

But the man did not move a muscle, save the muscles in his face that quite clearly showed his protests to this command. “Milady, please reconsider. I-“

“Harrison, I have had enough of this absurdity.” I warned him, “Either you will open the door, or I will.” The man sighed deeply with a worried brow but ultimately agreed, stepping in front of me and opening the door with the hidden key in his jacket.

Like a ghost house, it was. The room was cool and not a single candle was lit. As if it had been uninhabited for years. But there he sat, quietly in the dark and all alone next to the fireplace. “Thomas? Thomas are you well, my love?” I asked as he merely stared and did not move.

Harrison immediately went to the fireplace and lit the remaining wood as I made my way to Thomas, hoping to see if he was well enough to be moved away from this hellish place. “Thomas, what have you done to yourself?” I cried out as I saw his tousled hair and slight scrapes along his face and hands, which went along with the horrific state his office was in. Papers littered the floor and surfaces, two sitting chairs had been flipped over, one chair seemed to be missing two legs, books were torn up and flung around the room. “My love, you need to see a doctor.”

“I will do no such thing.” he mumbled with heavy lidded eyes. “Why are you here?”

“I came to fetch you. We miss you, love.” I cried, trying to smile as I saw him to be at least slightly coherent. “Lilly and Ivy… they want to see you as well. Will you not see them?”

Thomas remained quiet and stared off, but still nodded to what I had said. “Very well.”

Finally, glad news from him. I nearly cried of happiness that he was willing to remove himself from this place and return to the light; to return to his children. I begged Harrison to lift Thomas up to his wobbly feet and to take him away to our bedroom, where he can rest comfortably under my watchful eye.

“Can we help, Madame?” Mrs. Bell asked as she entered the room with two of her girls. “I heard his lordship has finally returned to us?”

“News travels fast, I see.” I mumbled, but this time it was of glad news. I looked around the messy room that was now shining with the light of the fire, and indeed it was in need of a good cleanup. “Yes, I suppose all of this should be organized.” I replied as I made my way around the room, glancing over the state of his papers and books, until I came across something quite interesting.

 

_Dear Thomas,_

_It has been four days now since our last encounter. I must confess that your silence and lack of presence thereafter has had me quite unnerved, and thus, I fear for your sanity and health. For these past days you have constantly been in my thoughts and near to my heart, and though I cannot reciprocate the love you have admitted to me, I feel deep mourning for the pain I have caused you through my own actions._

_I am sad to admit to you, my dear, that I am planning to leave your service come the following days. For my own selfish sanity, I beg of you to please return from your cell and resolve our matter before I leave, for I cannot do so without a clear conscious. I am so terribly sorry for the pain I caused you, my love. I was a fool who loved too much, but I could not have you as my own. I pray for you to understand that I could not live within my own skin, knowing that I had stolen someone from another._

_My Thomas, I beg for your forgiveness and hope that I – that we, may soon hear from you again. Your wife and your children need you. Please do not deny them of your presence any longer._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Lizzie_


	22. Chapter 22

I could hear my heart drum a subtle beat as I lay awake in bed next to my sleeping husband. My heart yearned to know what he dreamed of and what he thought of. I needed to know what raced through his thoughts; the reasons why he chose her over me. Had I been oblivious? Had I ignored his wants and needs so utterly, that he chose to seek another woman? Or perhaps this was revenge? Revenge for my own mistakes, revenge for my own indiscretions.

His chest rose and fell gently as his face relaxed under the slight shine that peeked through the window. Oh how he was beautiful whilst he slept, so carefree and gentle. His brooding presence was all we had seen for the past few months, making him seem like a whole other person than what he truly was; as if merely a shadow of his former self.

His curly golden hair was all a tussle as he subtly shifted in his spot. His breathing quickened and his limbs began to flex, slowly waking up to a new day. “Good morning, my darling. Did you sleep well?” I whispered slightly groggily, rubbing his chest and the little patch of hair that was exposed through the opening of his shirt that had slid down during the night.

Thomas groaned slightly as he came to, breathing in deep as he stretched his arms and legs in our comfortable bed. “I slept pleasantly, thank you. And you?” he replied, turning his head and looking over at me as I laid by my side, one arm propped up and the other absentmindedly stroking my slowly forming belly. “How is the baby?”

“Baby is fine and all is well.” I replied happily as he bent over and gently rubbed my belly. “And I slept well… now that you are back.” I continued with kiss on his chest as he leaned back, feeling happy once again now that his warm body was lying next to mine. “Although, I did find this rather distracting.” I chuckled with a slight scratch on his newly forming beard.

“I didn’t shave.” he mumbled tiredly as he went over the prickly patch with his hand. “Must remember to do so once I get up.”

“I like it.” I mused as I admired him. “It makes you look older and more distinguished.”

“Does it…?” he grumbled as he sat up, quickly pulling off the lush bedding that had us both wrapped up as if in a cocoon.

“And where do you think you are going?” I asked with a tug of his shirt, pulling him back till he lay surprised on the backs of his forearms.

Gasping by the unexpected pull, he ogled at me quite annoyed. “Going for breakfast. I have work to do.”

“No you don’t.” I replied with a smirk, denying him the permission to leave by wrapping my leg around his waist, much to his annoyance. “I am not allowing you to return back to your study, until you have calmed down and relaxed. There is too much on your mind, my love.”

“Caroline, I don’t have time for this.” he protested.

“You do have time for this.” I replied sweetly against his ear. “And furthermore, in your fit of rage, you managed to disarray your study. Mrs. Bell’s girls are tidying it up as we speak and Mr. Harrison has called for specialist to assess the damages you made to the furnishings.”

“I was beside myself.” said he as a matter-of-factly.

“I’m sure you were. But until everything is in tiptop shape, you will take a slight leave from your business and spend time with your children and me.”

“Caroline…” he grumbled with a menacing tone.

“Thomas, you will stop at once! You need to take care of your family and not hide yourself from us.” I counteracted. His persistence was quite worrisome. I was not pleased to say the least that he so openly chose to remove himself from my company and the company of our children. The various reasons for his determination floated through my mind, and in the center, stood the trusted nanny.

I could see the shift in his expression as my words took a hold of his thoughts. His eyes lowered and he nodded, understanding that his place was with his own family, which would and should always be of up most importance. “You’re right.” said he and returned to laying on his back. “I suppose I haven’t quite lived up to my fatherly duties as of late. I apologize.”

With a gentle kiss on his bearded cheek I agreed to his apology, utterly happy that he chose to do as I had asked and stay with me, just as we had done when we were young.

 

* * *

 

“Look! Daddy’s back!” Ivy screamed out with pure enthusiasm as the elusive Lord re-appeared in the doorway of the children’s playroom. The man looked happy as both his children got up and ran to him as if he were a returning hero from battle. Thomas picked them both up in his arms, hugging and squeezing them with just as much enthusiasm.

But something was slightly off about him. He wasn’t quite the same as before. His delightful cheekbones seemed more hollow than usual, his body was frail and thin and his eyes were sunken in. He appeared to have wilted during his time alone in his study.

“Good day, sir.” I greeted him with a curtsey as he turned his eyes to me. I had not the heart to look him in the eye as he walked closer; too afraid was I of the response he may have regarding our exchange in letters.

“Good day, Miss Elizabeth.” said he as he towered over me with both girls in his arms. His tone was soft and gentle, which I did not expect at first. Shyly I glanced up, but just a tiny bit, going only as far as to see the smallest and innocent of smiles before I turned my gaze back down. He let out a subtle sigh, barely distinguishable if one had never heard his sighs before. “How are you?”

“I am well, thank you.” I replied simply and to the point, daring not lead him on in any way.

Thomas nodded happily, seemingly pleased by my answer. Fortunately he did not seek a discussion with me, for which I was relieved, but instead chose to spend time with his children.

The girls were livid, showing each and every drawing they had made during his absence. Both girls pushed and pulled him here and there, presenting every game and toy they had to play with; both competing for his undivided attention.

It was rather sweet as he basked in the glory of his children’s attention. I glanced over on numerous occasions as I kept to myself, cleaning the earlier mess the girls had made in their giant playroom. Despite his misgivings and poor judgement in his love life, it was quite obvious that fatherhood suited him well. He adored his children, this was exquisitely obvious. The children would grow up with a loving father, doting on them until his old age would no longer allow this. They would feel his love shine brightly with every kiss, every hug and tickle… but mine would not.

My tiny child would never experience his utter love and devotion. Never know the extent of the love in his heart and the kindness of his soul. Even the mere thought… 

“Elizabeth? Are you alright?” he asked quietly, bringing me forth from my daydreaming. Too focused had I been in my own thoughts that I had not realized the full mayhem of the room. Toys were scattered around the room, both girls screaming and giggling from their fun. Even the Lord himself had managed to contort into somewhat of a bizarre shape as he laid on his back on the floor, both girls crawling on top of him as if he were a mountain.

“Yes. Yes, I’m fine.” I replied hastily, quickly turning my back to their fun to resume my tidying of the room.

But I suppose the Lord sensed differently. Thomas lifted the girls off of him and placed them down to resume their play with each other, choosing to rather seek my attention at this moment. Though I had my back towards him, I could feel his heavy breath and the sweet scent of him as he stood behind my back. “Lizzie?” he whispered in my ear quite breathlessly. I could feel the gentle touch of his fingers as he trailed atop my skirt. The gentle brush, even though slight, was purely intimate. One might even say scandalous, if in other circumstances.

I turned around, immediately seizing his activity behind my back. His eyes were worrisome, but held a slight glance of happiness. Desperate happiness I suppose, as if trying to search or find any amount in me. His piercing gaze was beautiful, as it always had been with his clear blue eyes, but daunting. The seemed to expect something from me, I felt, but whatever he needed, I knew I could not give. No, instead I chose to act ignorant to whatever he searched and wished from me, trying hard to make pleasant and indifferent conversation.

“I see you have decided to make a change?” I said. The Lord tilted his head slightly to the side, confused by what I had meant until I circled my finger around my chin, hinting at the facial hair he had grown.

The Lord chuckled quietly as he figured out my elusive meaning, “Yes, decided to give it a go.” said he as he circled his fingers around his mouth, trailing the tips of his fingers along the golden patch of hair. “What do you think?”

“I don’t like it.” I replied frankly.

His brows shot up in surprise. “You don’t?”

“No. It looks quite itchy and funny.”

The Lord chuckled with a thoughtful nod as he kept playing with the slight hairs. “Does it? Pity. But I like it.” he continued, but soon took a more serious tone. With a final look over his shoulder, he checked to see that the girls kept to their little games, hoping that they did not care of the little chat the two of us should not have been having.

“Elizabeth, what is this business of you wanting to leave service?” he whispered dangerously close to my face. If it were not for those specific words, one could have thought him a seducer. His eyes, his lips, his tone all were laced with dangerous passion; the passion of a scorned lover afraid of losing his mate in sin.

His hands itched to touch my waist as he trapped me between him and a bookcase, his hands splayed flat on top of one of the shelves on either side of my waist, flexing his fingers as if battling himself on whether or not to touch.

“This is not the time and place to discuss this.” I warned him with a shaky breath; desperately wanting him to touch me though I knew nothing good would come of it if he did.

Thomas nodded steadily with hooded eyes as he understood the consequences of his possible actions. He took tiny steps back, allowing me more room to breathe as I tried to gain any possible sense left in my mind. “Come and see me tonight.” he whispered as he stared deeply into my eyes with each step. I protested, shaking my head with a quiet ‘no’. Too afraid was I of what it would lead into if I did. “Tonight, after the children are asleep, come to me in my study. I will wait for you there.”

*

*

*

The tingly feeling of sweat running down the back of my neck was an incessant reminder of what I should not be doing at this very moment. I stared at the door handle to Thomas’ study with distain and fear of the unknown. For hours I debated myself as if my life depended on it, wondering whether or not I should go through the blasted door and meet my fears head-on, squashing whatever lay in the remnants of the relationship between Thomas and I.

But the door handle remained a frightening symbol. Not of what I may see or meet on the other side, but the fear that I may not be able to resist the certain inevitability of what waited for me. Thomas had grown predictable. He was persistent with his affection and his love; he did not hide it, though I wish he did. His words, his touches and glances drove me to near insanity but yet, a part of me did not want it to end. He was my love, though I hastily denied it whenever I could in fear of further hurting my already tormented mind and soul.

And as I stand here in the quiet and dark hallway, behind this gateway to certain doom, I cannot help but feel the slight happiness he showed me; the moments of pure bliss in times of obscurity and loneliness. The child I carry inside me is not only a testament to his love I so freely accepted from him, but a scorn in my mind of what I had allowed myself to become: Dishonorable, without hope and without future. This is what I had allowed myself to become and what I had cursed a poor child to be born as.

With one last breath before the jump to abyss, I opened the door and walked in, meeting the steady and waiting gaze of the man I both loved and hated with all my soul. He said not a thing, but the piercing look in his eyes said plenty as I locked the door, leaving the two of us alone.

With the final spec of bravery I had left in me, I stepped closer to his desk and next to where he stood at the foot of the roaring fireplace. “You came.” said he slowly with a deep tremble in his voice.

I grasped at my own hands as I stopped, sighing deeply before answering. “I did.”

Thomas stepped closer, reaching out his hand to caress my cheek with such tenderness as if it were the very first time he ever touched me. “You are so beautiful, my Elizabeth.” he whispered in the quiet space. Only the ticking of the clock and the crackling of the fire formed the warm ambiance of the room at the late hour.

“This needs to stop, Thomas.” I whispered as he pulled me closer to him and ghosted his lips on my cheek, seeking desperately permission to kiss me. His heavy breaths were alluring, enticing me with their wickedness and the beauty they could bring onto my lips if only I would allow them to do so.

“I love you.” he whispered against my soft cheek as he began trailing his lips with light kisses. The hands that had wished to touch my waist earlier did not care for modesty now. No, instead they roamed determined but with care along my back and waist, pulling me against his chest as if to mesh into one being.

“I-I cannot allow this.” I stuttered breathlessly as his lips came to rest against mine; his mouth so eager for a kiss that his brow scrunched with frustrated agony.

“Do you not love me?” he asked with hooded eyes, trailing his other hand up to the back of my neck, holding it steady but careful to not push my face to his. “Am I not what you want?”

His eyes threatened to shed a tear as he stared deeply into my eyes with his hooded ones. I had not the heart to tell him no, for this would have been a lie. He was who I loved, the one I wanted as my own. But he was not the one I needed in my life.

I was certain now that his love was true and honest, but it was not livable. His love was not enough. “You are what I want most in life…” I whispered, for which he slightly gasped under his breath in happiness. “But I need more. I need more than just your love, more than just your passion.”

“What is it that you want?” he asked with a threat of a kiss against my lips.

“I need stability.” I replied, stilling his actions as he searched my face for answers. I removed myself from his grip and backed away, step by step until I found myself backed up against the edge of his desk. “I need a home. Something warm and soft and safe.”

Thomas followed my steps and I soon found myself trapped yet again. His chest and head leaning dangerously against mine, severely fracturing the wall I desperately tried to keep up between us. “I will find you a comfy place to live, my love. You need not worry. I will visit you daily and –“

“A home is more than just a place to live, Thomas.” I said, trying to explain his error of thought.

“Please do not speak in riddles.” he sighed against my lips. “Tell me what you need.”

“I need a husband.” I sighed with a slight stutter, making him halt and stare at me with questioning eyes.

“You know I cannot grant that wish.” he said with his brow furrowed, disappointed that this was the one thing he could not give me.

“I am not asking you to do so.”

“Then why would you…” he began, but soon halted in the middle of his sentence as he understood what I had meant. A mixture of anger, disappointment and frustration added to his lustful expression as he pushed closer to me, leaning over against me as I now sat on the edge, grasping behind me for any stability. “How can you choose _him_ over me?” he asked desperately. “You do not love him the way you love me.”

“I can never love another the way I love you.” I agreed with a hitch of my breath as I finally admitted to him the truth. His lips immediately crashed onto mine in heated flames that rivaled the very fire next to us. “But he can love me in ways you cannot.” I said against his lips as I pulled away.

“Are you trying to make me jealous?” he asked, attacking my lips with only more vigor than with what he began with.

“No, but it is the truth.” I replied with a heavy breath. Thomas only took my answer as incentive to push forward, and soon I found myself lying on top of the desk with his heavy body weighing down upon me.

“The truth is that you love Me.” he said, kissing more forcefully with his ever growing passion.

“I do.” I agreed in my own lustful haze, feeling exquisite as each of his touches only heightened the pleasure he sought to give both of us. But it was the slow lifting of my skirt that brought me aware of his exceedingly aroused state. His hips that lay against mine, thrust with obvious desire for love of the most exquisite variety, and it was then I realized a line had to be drawn, assuring the safety for the tiny being inside my womb.

“Thomas, wait.” I said with a push of his shoulder, begging him to slow down.

“Please do not ask me to stop, my love.” he whispered desperately against my lips as his mouth sought hungry kisses.

“Thomas… Thomas, please stop. I can’t… I cannot go any further.” I pleaded, grasping his jaw until he stopped his passionate kisses. He stared down onto me confused, but allowed me space as I pushed myself off of the desk and onto my own feet.

“I-I’m sorry.” he said with a heaving chest, running his hands through his hair as he tried to calm himself down. The unmistakable look of disappointment was quite evident on his face, but he did not react upon those feelings. Instead, he chose to remain delicate, “Elizabeth, did I hurt you?”

“No…” I answered honestly.

I brushed the newly formed wrinkles off my skirt as I gained my balance, turning away from him as I tried to hide the upset my mind plagued me and the tears that soon thereafter began to flow from my eyes.

“What is wrong?” he asked utterly confused by my drastic change in mood.

“I can’t…”

“Please tell me.” he asked desperately, sensing the more than usual seriousness in my tone and behavior, for which I cursed his keen sense of observation. But I could not. I could not find the strength to tell him of my deepest secret. Even now as he came to me and wrapped his arms around my waist as I cried against my palm, I felt so distraught with hopelessness and grief. “Tell me what is wrong, my love. I hate to see you in such pain.” he whispered against my ear. His head rested against my shoulder as he waited for my cries and sobs to subside, patiently waiting until I was ready to confess.

“I am having your child.” I whispered into the air. And at that moment, it was as if time itself had stopped, and the hands that embraced me so lovingly and warmly simply disappeared.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note that this is the second chapter within 24 hours. So please, make sure you've read the previous chapter before reading this one, since it is a crucial chapter in the plot of this story.

“What?” he asked quietly as he took a step back from me, utterly stunned by my recent confession which would forever change the dynamic of our relationship. His brow furrowed in contemplation as I turned to him, begging me to help him understand what I had just said. “A child? Are you certain?”

“I am.” I said with drying tears on my cheeks, unsure of how to continue after all of this.

Thomas nodded after hearing my answer, slowly walking around the desk to sit on the chair behind it, deeply contemplating on something on his mind. His hands came to rest against his mouth as if in silent prayer. Thomas had always been one for a quick and witty response for any situation, but now that none came from his fast mind, the quietness of the room only increased exponentially and changed to one of pure uneasiness.

As he sat there completely silent, I took slight steps towards him, nervously pulling at my own hands as I waited awkwardly for any response from him. “Please say something.” I begged with a pained whisper, needing to know his thoughts that took his presence away from me in this time of crisis.

Thomas immediately shifted his eyes from the floor to my panicked face. But a slight throaty snicker was all I heard from him as he stared at me. His eyes reflected the smile he hid behind his hands, alarming me with the odd response.

“Thomas? Are you snickering?” I asked confused and slightly irritated, not understanding what he found so amusing in this whole situation.

Thomas lowered his hands and showed the wide grin on his face, shifting closer to the edge of his seat as he extended his arms, begging me to step closer to him. “I am. This is…” he sighed deeply and overwhelmed. “This is wonderful news.”

“Wonderful?! Wonderful news?! Are you mad?!” I shouted at him, surprising him just as he had surprised me with his answer.

But Thomas did not care for the things I said, but instead, chose to focus on the little bubble of happiness that had instantly formed inside his demented mind. “Don’t you see, Elizabeth? You are growing our love inside you.” he said with a blissful tone and smile as he persisted, grabbing ahold of my waist so that his face was in front of the hidden bump. “A perfect little creature made of you and I. Made of our bond…”

“Our bond?!” I exclaimed, trying to pull myself away from his determined grip, but utterly unsuccessful at doing so. “There should not be a bond. _This_ should not exist.” I continued, trying to push him away by his shoulders as he rubbed his cheek against my belly.

“Don’t say that, Elizabeth. Don’t say that about our baby. This is happy news.” he whispered against me with a gentle rub of his hand against the mound.

“How could this possibly be happy news? What happens when your wife finds out? How will I take care of this baby?”

“Right…” he sighed as he stirred from his blissful haze that terrified me. “I will take care of everything.” he said as he pulled back. “Tomorrow morning I will fetch my solicitor and I will find you a proper house to live in. A place you and our child can be safe and comfortable.”

“You have done enough!” I spat in response, utterly fed up with his participation and involvement in my life. I begged him on numerous occasions to let me be, yet he only sought to continue with his involvement. “I cannot have you in my life anymore. You have done enough damage to me.”

“That is not fair, Elizabeth.” said he, hurt by my horrible words. His eyes reflected the sheer disappointment that my words had made him feel. But still he did not relent. “This is my child and I want to be a part of its life. I want to make sure it’s safe in this world and close to me.”

“No!”

Thomas stared flabbergasted by my answer, not believing the simple word that held such might. “I beg your pardon? No?”

“You heard me correctly.” I replied stoically with my head held high, keeping my ground despite the fact that it was not morally right to deny him the presence of his child. “I cannot be a part of this any longer and I will not allow my child to live in such a lie.”

“You can’t deny me my right to see my child.” said he with a laugh as if it were obvious. But I did not care what he thought. Not anymore. With a last shake of my head I watched as the slight smile on his face vanished away, leaving him to deal with his own feelings about the disclosed subject as I opened the door and left, leaving him in his room as he yelled out for me in shock.

 

* * *

 

“Again?” Mama sighed frustrated and angry as we read in the parlor with our evening tea, disturbed by the odd yelling of my husband calling out for the nanny. “That girl and her behavior with Thomas is scandalous, Caroline. How can you allow such rowdy behavior from your staff?” Mama was of course right. This girl had a hold on Thomas, and was allowed special privileges due to whatever kind of relationship they’ve had together. “That girl is trouble, you mark my words.”

“I agree.” I said to her, to which she gave me a questioning look. “Do you… suspect something? Between the two of them, I mean?” Mama shifted in her seat and closed the book she was currently reading. Her expression became serious, even menacing, one could say. “Do you know something that I should be aware of?”

“I think you suspect something yourself. But I have my hunches.” she said cryptically, insinuating plenty without saying much of nothing. This of course must have meant that she had either seen or heard something that purposely was not for me to know. “I will detain from saying anything, but I would highly suggest that you seek out your husband.”

With that threatening warning, I closed my book and left the parlor with a slight panic as I sought out my husband, needing to know what was going on between them once and for all, before this lying and hiding would eat me alive from the inside. The noise we heard had come from his study, which was the one place I had forbidden him from entering. But as I reached the room, nothing was there to be seen but a messy desk and a dimming fire.

Fortunately, neither of the two were subtle with the noises they had made in the slightly creaky house. A slight banging could be heard one floor down, which alerted me to their new hiding spot.

Following the sounds that came from the servants’ quarters, I saw Thomas, and surprisingly Mrs. Bell, both standing just outside of someone’s room. Mrs. Bell hastily kept apologizing for something I knew not what of, but Thomas only stood there ignoring her, opting to rather get the nanny’s attention who I suppose was inside the room, making all of the blasted noise.

“What is going on?” I asked, surprising both Thomas and Bell.

“I am terribly sorry, my Lady. I-I-I do not understand what is happening.” Bell stuttered in her panicked state as she kept glancing over to me, to Thomas and the nanny who ignored my presence.

I walked closer to the doorway to see what was going on, only to see Elizabeth hastily packing a bag with the slight amount of possessions and clothes she owned. “What is all of this?”

“Elizabeth is threatening to leave.” Thomas said quietly and with sudden reserve as I arrived to stand next to him. All traces of the passionate protesting he had made before, gone by the time of my arrival in the room.

“Is she? And why, may I ask is she threatening to leave?” I asked as neutral and as absentmindedly as possible, as if this was nothing to bother my mind with.

“I beg your pardon, ma’am, but I am not threatening. I _am_ leaving. Tonight.” said the nanny as she turned to us with her heavy bag in tow.

“I see. And is there a reason for this?”

“Of course not.” Thomas scoffed drastically, letting out a slight accidental expression of guilt and worry, which I imagined to be a reflection of his feelings towards her.

“I have been proposed to…” the nanny said, making the three of us stand there in surprise and in silence. “By Mr. Baker.”

“What?” Thomas asked astounded by this revelation.

But I was more than happy about this turn of events. “Oh my goodness. Congratulations Elizabeth.” I said happily and excited, completely ecstatic by the fact that this would mean her departure from the manor, and thus, mean the end of her affair with my husband.

“What?!” Thomas exclaimed suddenly, looking between the two of us. “Are you allowing her to leave just like that without any prior notice?”

“Marriage, Thomas!” I giggled, utterly happy that I would have him all to myself once again. “I believe we can make an exception. Let her go if she wants to leave.” I replied, not seeing any issue with this despite the fact that a new nanny would need to be hired.

“Thank you ma’am.” the young girl said and hurried away with her bag and outer clothes, making her way outside through the servants’ exit and out of our lives.

But Thomas was not so easily persuaded. “Elizabeth wait!” he yelled at the doorway to the cool air. His tone held a slight addition of sadness, “What about the children? They will be expecting you in the morning.”

 

* * *

 

The night was clearly more hectic than what I had come used to knowing over the past few days here at the tavern. The men in search of drink and merry fun were loud and sloppy, spilling their drinks as conversation became rowdy and the games were played with more vigor. I did not mind this however, as more patrons meant more work for me.

“Elizabeth?” a young voice stopped me in my tracks as I navigated through the tables and mountains of merry men. The dreadful reality that he would see me in such a place and in such a state made me blush bright red due to shame. “Elizabeth, what are you doing here? Why are you dressed in such a way?” he asked slightly horrified as he stood up from his chair, taking a better look of my horrid apron and dress that were covered with spilled ale and filth.

“Hello Jacob.” I greeted him from under my messy hair that had fallen from my bun, hiding my awkward and unkempt state from his worrisome eyes. I tried to laugh the awkwardness between us away, but his horrified stare did not let up even for a second. “I’m afraid I have gone through a slight change of profession as of late.”

“Are you a… a barmaid now?” he asked as he not so subtly looked over the state of my dress and the state of my sticky hands that grasped the pitcher in my hand.

“For the time being, at least.” I answered vaguely, not knowing myself how long I would be allowed to stay here without my employers, Mr. and Mrs. Kirby, soon finding out about my current condition.

I shifted uncomfortably where we stood; daring not to look at him and the possible disappointment he may have felt of my decline. Fortunately, the Mrs. of the establishment shouted for me to return, providing me with an excuse to run away from Jacob.

But he was not so easily forgotten or swept aside. Still needing more answers than what I initially gave him, he followed me to the bar where the pitchers were being filled for me to serve. “I see. That would explain why I could not find you at the manor.” said he as he turned around and leaned his back against the edge, searching for my eyes that focused on the pitchers.

“You came to see me?” I asked, instantly curious of what more he had to say, since I had earlier asked him to wait for my answer to his proposal.

Jacob nodded vigorously with a smile and followed me as I resumed with the work I was not fulfilling properly. “I did. Well, I wanted to at least.” said he as he danced around the tables and the crowd that filled the tavern, keeping up with me as I went from table to table, serving the patrons. “What happened?”

The truth was too horrible and uncomfortable to bear, let alone tell to another. “I merely wished to leave.” I said simply, hoping that he would believe the excuse.

“Why did you not come to me? We talked about this.” We indeed had, but since he was still blissfully unaware of the tiny child growing inside me, the prospect of him finding out horrified me. But I only shook my head shyly, hoping to remain modest in his eyes by not reaching out to him. Minding my own business, as it were. “Well have you perchance considered my offer, at least?”

“I have.” replied simply to the proposal he referred to, knowing well that the plain answer I gave would not fill his curiosity.

Hopeful, Jacob kept following me around as I made my way back to the now empty bar. The panic in my mind increased as I tried to find ways to reject the poor man who did not deserve me as his wife. But still, he expected an answer nevertheless. His hands tapped at the surface of the bar as I moved to my next task of drying washed cups and pitchers, buying my time to think of ways to reject him of this fate. “Elizabeth, may I have your answer?”

“Jacob,” I sighed with sadness, hoping that he would not hate me afterwards. “I’m sorry but I must say no. I do not think I’m worthy of you and of your love.”

Jacob chuckled as if I were joking, dismissing it all with his laughter. “Nonsense, you silly girl. Of course you are.”

“No, Jacob. I am not what you may think me to be. I am not as honorable as you may believe.” I insisted, feeling terrible of what I had done and the hurt that I would inevitably cause him.

But Jacob only persisted, leaning over the counter and pulling my arm to walk me around the corner where it was more private. His hands embraced mine as he gently looked into my eyes with such devotion that broke my horrid heart. “Elizabeth, I love you. I cannot stand to be without you. Please, I beg you to reconsider.”

“I do not doubt that you love me, Jacob.” I said as I tried to pull my hands away, “I love you too, but I cannot make you happy.”

“Elizabeth you-“ he began before I stopped him. I begged with tears in my eyes that he would stop this torture, pleading him desperately to not push me over the edge. “I will not give up so easily, Lizzie. I love you. I want to make you happy, if only you would let me.”

“Jacob, I am with child.” I cried out as he made the final push. I could not stop myself from telling the devastating truth. My tears began to fall on my already dirty face, making it hard to see his expression through the water in my eyes. But I suppose I did not need proper vision to see the expression of utter horror and shock. His mouth gaped slightly open as he silently stood before me with a look of slight disgust, no doubt forming the connection in his head that had caused this to become reality.

“It was _him_ , wasn’t it?” he asked with anger in his face and in his tone. “Did he force himself upon you?”

I shook my head vigorously, denying the accusing tone in his words. “I consented.”

Jacob grabbed at his hair out of frustration, trying to make sense of what had happened. No doubt he must have wondered how I could have treated him thusly. I would have thought thusly, if it were I in his place. But Jacob fell into his own little world, repeating ‘no, no, no’ over and over again in denial as if it would erase what I had just said.

“Jacob?” I whispered with a few steps, wishing to plead for his forgiveness; to beg for his friendship in my own time of desperate need. But he would not allow me near him.

With one heartbreaking look of terrified sadness, Jacob briskly walked away, leaving me alone to weep in the dark corner.

*

*

*

The evening had been an utter disaster throughout the entirety of the night. Not only had I been physically tired due to the baby and irritated with the rudeness and drunkenness of the merry men at the tavern, I was now left with a horribly guilty conscience after harming Jacob with the news of my bastard child.

“We are closed!” I yelled angrily as I heard the heavy wooden door clank in the quiet tavern. I was bent over one of the tables as I desperately cleaned the leftover mess; too focused on my task to realize that the one who had entered the room was none other than the man I had offended earlier.

“Jacob? You came back?” I asked dumbfounded as I looked over my shoulder, immediately seizing whatever I was doing.

Jacob nodded as he walked further in, taking off the cap on top of his head that kept him warm in the February weather. “I suppose I did yes.” he answered quietly, making his way closer to where I stood.

“I was worried. Where did you go to?”

“That is not important.” he said as he absentmindedly ran his fingers along the back of a chair, avoiding my eyes at all cost. “I just needed to be alone.”

That was of course his right to do so. I felt absolutely terrible of how I mistreated him and how I may have led him to believe I was something other than what I truly was. He had always been so gentle towards me, yet I could not muster the courage sooner, to say no to his advances when I should have. “I am sorry that I hurt you, Jacob. I hope you will believe me when I say it was not intentional.”

“I believe you.” said he with a solemn look. “I am just… disappointed.”

Of course he was disappointed. _I_ was disappointed in me as well. But yet for reasons unknown, he came back. “But why did you return?” I asked as we both stood quietly in the tavern, barely even looking at each other.

“Despite this rather disappointing turn of events… I still care for you. I still… love you.” he confessed honestly and simply, making me lose my balance due to the sudden surprise.

“Jacob, please do not pretend such things.” I said to him. “I know I am not worthy of you or your love.”

“No you are not.” said he into the quiet air. I shuddered at the words he spoke, hating to hear such things no matter honest and truthful they were. “But still I cannot help but love you… and wish for you to be my wife.”

I stared at him wide eyed, fearing that my mind had finally betrayed me and left me with only thoughts of insane in nature. But his face held nothing to counter what he had said. His voice was clear and words succinct, making it hard to mishear or misinterpret him in the quietness. “My offer still stands, if you will have me.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do I hear the church bells ring?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terribly terribly sorry for taking my time with posting the newest chapter. It's crunch time at school, so I had to focus on my thesis... But anywhoo, here it is. Hopefully you guys will like it and please take a moment to leave a comment if you enjoyed the read. Thanks.

I stared absolutely flabbergasted at what I had just heard. I stood completely still as his words finally sunk into my mind like fresh burn marks on skin. ”What?” I asked from the man who stood in front of me with a serious look about him. “After what I have done, you still wish to marry me?”

“Of course, silly bird.” he said tiredly, the heavy weight of the emotional evening quickly taking ahold and reflecting it’s burden on his face. “I still love you.”

“Why are you so kind to me?” I asked as he advanced towards me.

“I am kind to those who I cherish the most.” he said with a sweet caress on my cheek, brushing away the small happy tears that fell from my crying eyes. “Love, may I please have your answer?”

With a happy whisper of sweet emotional release, I said “Of course I’ll marry you.” and kissed him, pulling him close to my chest.

I could feel Jacob smile into our kiss, feeling his happiness exude from within as he held me in his arms. “Then it is settled.” said he as he pulled away. “We will visit the vicar in the morning and ask him to marry us and then-“

“Wait?! Tomorrow? That is mighty soon.” I halted, surprised of his willingness to move in such a fast pace.

“Well, yes.” said he surprised himself. ”I do not want to wait. Do you wish to?”

For a moment I feared that my surprise had misled him to believe that I was not as keen as he was. “No, it isn’t that…” I replied, taking ahold of his jaw with my palm, holding him safe and still as I lovingly gazed into his eyes. “Everything is just happening so fast and I fear I cannot keep up with such a pace.”

“Of course.” he nodded. “I’m sorry, please forgive me. I am getting ahead of myself. I was merely thinking with my heart and not with my head.”

“I understand.”

“But you must agree that we do not have copious amounts of time left before people will find out?” I shook my head, this time not understanding. “Your belly, my love. Surely you will begin to show soon?” said he with a gentle and shy rub on my belly. I sighed, realizing that he was indeed right. We did not have time to spend in waiting. If we were to hide this child, the wedding should take place soon. “Please do not worry your mind; I will take care of everything.”

 

* * *

 

Anna’s pov

 

“Shall I give her your congratulations, Mrs. Bell?” I asked the stiff lipped lady sipping her morning tea as I hastily slipped on my bonnet and thick outer coat, ready to leave for the wedding of my dearest friend.

Bell scoffed slightly at the proposition, rolling her eyes as if she did not care for such things. “I sincerely doubt my opinion on her marriage holds any ground.”

“Oh but Mrs. Bell! She has been here nearly all her life. Surely we all must be part of one big family?” I replied with a hopeful smile, trying to convince the old lady that no matter how crabby she chose to act, Lizzie was like a daughter to her and a sister to the rest of us.

Bell pursed her lips and held the teacup in front of her lips, hiding her mouth and her following words as if she wished to keep any sense of control and poise over the rest of the staff. “Very well.” she said. “Give her my best.”

I silently triumphed at the easy victory, praising myself that I could reason with her whilst still making her realize that Lizzie still was important even though she no longer lived here with us. “That I will do, ma’am. Goodbye all.”

With a smile on my face and a happy heart, I stepped outside and made my way down the small path that led to the town square. Despite the slightly cool air, it was nevertheless a gloriously beautiful morning. An excellent day to be married.

“Good morning, Anna.” I heard the deep voice of Lord Hiddleston greet me as he walked towards me, leaving the post office with what seemed like a stack of papers and envelopes.

I immediately stopped and curtseyed, remembering that even though we were not in Kensington Lisle at the moment, I was still expected to show him the same curtesy as if we were. But it was the matter of a certain wedding that I needed to attend that held such pressure in my mind.

“Good morning, Sir.” I greeted him back, hoping that he would not ask me of my business this fine morning.

“You look quite fetching this today, if I may say so.” he said with a tip of his hat and a smile, referring to the colorful skirt that I had dressed for the wedding.

“Thank you very kindly, sir.” I replied simply. “I am off to see… a friend, and I wished to be at my best.”

“I see.” he replied slightly suspicious of my explanation, but did not press further. “I myself chose to take a slight stroll and visit the post office.” said he and lifted his hand that held his purchased items.

“I’m sure there would have been anyone at Kensington Lisle that could have purchased these for you, Sir. You should not trouble yourself with such tasks.”

The Lords chuckled slightly. “No need, young lady. Actually it was partly a reason to get away from the manor.” said he. “I feel as though with all the applications and interviews the Lady Hiddleston and I have been seeing regarding a new nanny, has had me quite busy and in need of some personal time alone.”

“Is it not going well, then?” I asked curious.

“Let us say, the Lady and I do not see eye-to-eye on the matter.” he said with a deep sigh.

This had become quite obvious to most of the household staff. The air had thickened quite a bit after Lizzie had renounced her position, leaving quite a bit of tension between the family members. “Well I’m sure it will all come together soon.”

“I hope so as well.”

And with that, I curtseyed once more with a wide smile and wished him a good morning, making my way to the church as I had before being stopped.

I had barely turned my back around before Lord Hiddleston’s hand grasped at my arm, stopping me from continuing further. “Anna, wait!” he said. As I turned my face to his direction, his expression seemed oddly pained and dark. It was the stark opposite of what it had been just mere seconds ago. “I need to know, Anna. Where is she?”

And just as I had begun to think that our chat had passed the topic of Lizzie… “Please Sir. Do not make me tell.” I begged, knowing that Lizzie had begged and pleaded me to keep her place of residence a secret in order to begin a new life for herself.

“Anna, please tell me. Is she well? Where has she gone to?” he continued. The desperation in his voice and eyes was disconcerting and at that moment, I began to believe that perhaps Lizzie had not been as forthright with me about her relations with the Lord.

“I cannot tell you!” I shrieked as his hand tightened around my arm, surely leaving marks on the tender flesh. I cried out, part due to being scared and part in panic as I had never seen him act in such a way.

“I’m sorry.” said he and released his hand as I shrieked, understanding that his strength was harming me. “Please forgive me. I should not have touched you. It was most uncalled for and I apologize.” was his only reply. And before I could even react to his words, he had backed away, walking away in a fast tempo towards the manor and leaving me alone in my shocked state.

 

* * *

 

[The dress](http://www.ethicsroom.com/victorian-style-wedding-dresses-look-elegant-like-a-lady/modern-victorian-style-wedding-dresses/), despite its age, was more than I could have ever imagined. I of course knew from the very moment I agreed to Jacob’s proposal that I could have never afforded such a beauty on my own. So when Rosie found out about our engagement, she was insistent that I should wear her dress from when she and Mr. Baker were married nearly thirty years ago. The dress had seen better days, I will admit, but despite its age, I was more than glad and willing to accept her offer and gift.

But there I stood in front of the mirror, admiring myself as I put on the finishing touch to my outfit. The veil, yet another family heirloom that I’m sure will be passed down to next generations, flowed down my back. The lace garment had yellowed slightly along with its age, but I did not care the slightest. I felt beautiful.

“Elizabeth? Is everything alright, dear?” I heard Rosie’s high and excited voice carry from the other side of the door. The poor woman must have been anxiously waiting in the corridor, waiting patiently for the bride and looking forward to seeing her only son make this important step in life.

“Yes, everything is fine.” I replied slightly anxious myself as to not make any mistakes. “Please come in.”

The middle-aged woman peeked through the door and the immediate smile and awe only reinforced my own opinion of how I looked and felt at this very moment. “Oh, my darling. You are beautiful.” said she as she came through, scurrying quickly until she stood in front of me with a wide and happy grin with a tear of happiness nearly falling from her eye.

“It is the dress. You are very kind in lending it to me. I don’t know how I will ever be able to return the favor.”

Rosie waved her handkerchief holding hand to and fro, dismissing my humble reply with protest. “Oh my dear, we are to be family. There is no such thing as returning favors in a family.” I could have nearly cried from her more than hospitable behavior on my person. She was every bit the mother I wish I would have had. “OH!” she suddenly shrieked, nearly making me fall back against the mirror behind me as I caught a fright. “I have one more thing to show you before we go.”

“Rosie, you have done quite enough for me already.” I said with an overwhelmed chuckle, not believing the length she would go for me on my most special day. But the lady persisted, ignoring what I had said and rushing to a small leather sack amidst the rest of the bags and boxes we had brought to the church.

I tried my best to peer over her shoulder to see what she had retrieved, but found my curiosity only reaching higher levels as she hid the item behind her back as she returned to me. Her eyes held such merry mischief; not unlike what her son, my soon-to-be husband, also reflected from time to time. Sensing my peaked curiosity, Rosie unraveled the soft cloth in her hands, presenting a beautiful headband made of the buds of recently blossoming blue violets.

“Rosie…” I gasped at the beautiful ornament.

“Something old, something blue…” she sighed contently with dewy eyes, placing the headband on my head and tying it securely in place. “Now… are you ready?”

“I am.” I nodded with tears quickly forming in my own eyes. “Help me?” I asked, referring to the front of my veil that rested against the back of my head. Rosie nodded vigorously and I knelt slightly, allowing her to pull the veil forward and conceal my face before taking ahold of my hand and walking me out and to the hall that led to the church aisle.

“I will see you soon.” said she with a firm grasp on my hands and a wide smile before she left me to join the rest of the few meager guests that had arrived.

Anna, who I had begged to be my maid-of-honor, gave me a good once over and smiled with a single nod, giving me my small bouquet of flowers. “I am doing the right thing, aren’t I?” I asked my oldest and dearest friend.

“You will be very happy.” she said along with a smile, proving to me that everything would indeed be perfect in the end.

I nodded with a slight exhale as I was incredibly nervous. But once we began our wedding march down the aisle, the look of complete adoration on his face as he saw me was indeed proof that I had made the right decision. For once in my life, I had chosen right.

 

*

*

*

 

“Get enough wood for the fire, did you?” I asked as Jacob returned from outside, carrying a heap of firewood on his strong arms.

After the early morning wedding had taken place, my _husband_ and I, along with our company, made our way back to the cottage that I would now be calling my home. Rosie and her friends had done a wonderful job of decorating the small space, welcoming us into our new life.

Cake and merry company was enjoyed by our small circle of friends, and for the first time I felt truly content and happy. I now had a happy life, a happy place to call my own. Not once did Jacob remove himself from my company. For the entirety of the morning and early midday he held me close and presented me as the joy of his life.

It was not until we had arrived to the small hunting cabin in the woods that the realization of our union began to take effect. His touches and kisses became not only sweeter, but incessantly more passionate and intense… which I did not mind the slightest, though slightly awkward it may have been.

The young man I now had the privilege of calling husband came closer to the fire I stood near, immediately going to and dispensing of the heavy wood he carried in his arms. “I believe we shall be comfortable for the time being, my love.” said he with a kind smile directed at me as I stirred my first meal for him. After finishing with his task, Jacob brushed off his arms and poked the raging fire before us and rose back up, giving me a loving look with an equally loving kiss. “Hello, wife.”

“Hello, husband.” I replied with a smile. “I’m afraid I miscalculated the cooking time for the stew. I’m afraid I am still new to being a proper wife.” I said with a slight pout as I looked down into the pot, stirring the food with my wooden spoon.

Jacob laughed breathlessly as he walked behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me tightly to his body. “You will get the hang of it soon enough.”

I nodded with a sigh, truly hoping that this was indeed the case. “Hopefully you are not too hungry yet.” I said with a gentle pat on his arm that caressed my belly.

“I am ravished, my dear… But for something else than stew.”

And with a gentle tug, Jacob pulled me with him as he took steps back towards the bed that lay on the opposite end of the cabin. His hands, so soft but determined, whisked me around to face him in frenzy, hands pulling my body hard against him as he kissed my neck and jaw with equal vigor. “Oh how I have dreamed of having you as my own for so long.” he mumbled against my face with hooded eyes. His breath was heavy and lidded with passion in needed of release.

And I wished to give him that release. I was his by God and by law, and now I had no right to deny him of what he wanted from me. But yet… there was the matter of the child that plagued my body. “Jacob…” I whispered slightly terrified, making him stop his delectable kisses.

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently as he looked into my eyes.

“Please be gentle with me.” I asked as I held my belly.

Jacob nodded and kissed his way down from my face to my belly. “Of course.”

 

*

*

*

 

“That exceeded my expectations… utterly.” Jacob said as he rolled over onto his back in a happy and satisfied haze as he reveled in the blissful feeling. He shifted his back as he settled down comfortably against the pillows and sheets, bending his arms under his head as he stared up into emptiness.

“Was that something you’ve dreamed of a lot?” I teased, crawling onto his side and resting my head against his chest, hearing the fast drumming of his heart slow down into a stable rhythm.

Jacob giggled under his breath and brought his hand to my back, slowly tracing feather light touches along my spine and neck as he looked down onto my face. “Incessantly.” said he with a flurry of kisses atop my head. “My beautiful, beautiful wife.”

After spending a rather lovely few minutes lying together in our comfortable haze, I found it necessary to remove myself from our warm bed in order to continue with the task my _husband_ had so carelessly made me forget. I quickly jumped out and grabbed the first shirt I could find and made my way to the fire that held his dinner.

“As much as I find it alluring to see you wear my shirt, I would rather see you without it.” said he from the bed with a lavish grin. His back was propped up against the headboard as he started intently, both arms back behind his head as if he were a king being served to.

“You wish for me to hop around completely bare as I cook for you?” I asked slightly humored, looking over my shoulder with a playful look of mock offence.

“I merely love to see every bit of you bounce as you move.” he said with a slight wink and sinful grin. I of course was offended by this imagery and his dirty mind that thought of such things… well, that is what I wanted to make him believe. “Ooh, what a menacing scowl, my love.” he continued as I squinted my eyes and pursed my lips against his teasing.

“Stop it.” I warned him as I walked closer to the bed, trying hard to keep my smile hidden from him as I pointed my spoon towards him as a threat.

“Never.” he said with a wide smirk. In his playful mood, Jacob sat up and crawled on his hands and knees to the foot of the bed, beckoning me towards him.

“I will hit you with this spoon if you continue on like this.”

But Jacob would not desist. With a sudden pull on my waist, he growled “Come here.” and lifted the hem of the shirt that I wore over his head.

“Jacob!” I screamed in surprise by his sudden movements, giggling like a child as I felt his lips trail kisses along my navel to the top of my breasts he seemed so fond of. “Jacob stop!”

“Mmm… You are luscious, my love.” he said.

I looked down along the opening of the shirt and was immediately met with his innocent yet loving eyes looking straight at mine. I indeed had made the right decision in marrying this loving young man.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heed the updated tags

”Thomas, there you are. I have been looking for you all morning. Where did you sneak to?” My wife cheerfully greeted me as I walked into the parlor with my afternoon paper. Both Caroline and Mother sat on their favorite seats enjoying their afternoon cakes and tea, discussing the weather and current events. The remnants of their past time, knitting, littered the floor in colorful stripes as the many balls of yarn had fallen from their basket.

“Afternoon, ladies.” I greeted them, smiling politely to both women as I walked further in and to my own favorite chair. “I went out for a walk. Picked up some stationery.” I replied to her question as I sat down with my paper, shuffling my feet around the balls of yarn that laid in front of my chair.

Caroline hummed contently with her smile and put her teacup down, reaching for the many strings of yarn that had somehow covered parts of the arm of my chair. “I received three new applications in the post today.” she said conversationally as she held the strings, rolling them around a ball of yarn. “They all seemed quite promising.”

“I see.” I grumbled under my breath, knowing full well that she was more than displeased with my lack of participation on the matter. But truth be told, I was still not ready to go down this path of replacing my lovely Elizabeth.

It had been days since I last saw her and the memory of her packing her bags and leaving in the middle of the night was still burned into my mind in vivid colors. I understood of course her reasoning for such a hasty decision; the child she held inside her would not go unnoticed for long and would sooner or later turn into quite the topic of immoral conduct. An un-married woman with a child would surely be discouraged not only by Caroline and Mother, but Mrs. Bell and Mr. Harrison and the rest of the staff as well.

But it is my child she carries; my love and offspring. How could she think she could leave as she did? Do I have no right to my own child? Surely she would soon come to reason and realize that she is not capable of dealing with a child? With no family whatsoever, how can she support not only herself but an infant?

“Darling, are you alright?” Caroline’s voice pulled me back from my thoughts. “You seem somewhat preoccupied and you’ve been reading the same page for quite a while now.”

“Yes, sorry.” I replied with a shake of my head, trying to forget the image of Elizabeth in my head. “Quite alright. Umm… you were saying…?”

“Darling, we really must make our choice soon.” said she as she lifted a stack of envelopes on the table, “I do not know how long I will manage without a nanny.”

Mother shook her head at the two of us, clearly disagreeing with the topic of our whole conversation thus far. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about.” said she with slight agitation in her voice as she held her teacup and plate. “Just choose one of the most experienced ones.”

“That is what I have been saying all along, but your son insists on disagreeing.” Caroline replied instantly. I turned my head back and forth between the two strong-minded ladies who teamed up against me, overpowering my authority with their vicelike grip of unity. “Thomas, you know that in my condition I cannot-“

“You cannot keep using that same excuse, Caroline.” I protested, feeling more than slightly irritated by the pressing issue she was forcing upon me. “You are barely even showing.”

The gasp both women made together followed by the chastisement by calling my name had me immediately in shame. Perhaps I had been quite sharp and rude with my tongue at this present moment. “What I mean to say is, I do not think we should rush into anything.”

“Like you did with Elizabeth Davies last summer?” Caroline replied with a stiff face, her wide smile long gone and traded in for a rapidly forming frown.

“What are you implying?” I asked suddenly quite stiff and alert. Surely she was not aware of the relationship between I and Elizabeth?

“I am not implying anything.” said she with shake of her head, the frown still quite evident on her face. “I just find it fascinating how quickly you chose her to be the nanny and how you seemed so eager to _not_ let her resign.”

“The children loved her, Caroline.” I replied simply but with clearly agitated by her insinuation.

“And I am sure they will love the next one just as well.” she replied with a slight warning in her tone that did not go unnoticed by me nor Mother, who looked at me with silent curiosity.

“I do not appreciate your tone the slightest, _Caroline_.”

“At the moment, I do not care the slightest, _Thomas_.” she replied sternly. “Starting tomorrow, I will begin sorting the potential candidates and I will do it with or without your participation.”

*

*

*

“Anna.” I called out for the girl who scurried quickly along the hallway, making her way back to the safety of the servants’ halls. “Anna, I wish to apologize for my earlier behavior.” I said as I managed to catch her attention. The slight look of terror was unmistakable in her eyes. I felt sorry for the young thing, knowing how I was to be blamed for her frightened state. “I am deeply ashamed of myself and I can only ask for your forgiveness.”

Anna nodded and accepted my sincerest apologies. “May I speak freely, sir?” she asked suddenly as if something was a matter.

“Of course, by all means.” I replied, curious to hear what she had to say.

Anna was quite hesitant as she began; her head was bowed and her pose taut as if she were quite nervous to speak her mind. “I do not know the nature of the relationship between you and Lizzie, but I do sense it is not something that should exist...” said she much to my astonishment. “But that being said, I can see that there is something the matter and that you are hurting because of it.”

I found myself utterly astonished by her comment. So much so, that I could barely form a decent response. “Yes well, Elizabeth and I were just friends, er… What I mean is, that we –“

“Please sir, the less I know, the better.” she interjected immediately, “It is just… You need to let go of her, sir. Can you not see how it affects your judgement?”

The image of myself shamefully grabbing her hand invaded my mind. How could I have been so careless with my own emotions? How could I have let myself think that my actions towards this innocent girl had been justified?

Despite all these rhetorical questions depicting my utter stupidity, the reason had been simple: Elizabeth. My utter love and devotion revolved around that girl and I could not conceive the reason for this. All I knew was that I loved her. I felt a love I had not felt in ages, and knowing that she carried my child, the need to have her closer to me seemed even more burning than ever before.

“But how can I? How can I let her go when she is all I think about?” I asked the girl in front of me, who I knew to be the dearest friend to my secret love.

“Sir, you must stop this at once. She can never be yours.” she replied adamantly as she place her hands on her ears out of reflex, not wanting to hear anymore details.

“But if I could only talk to her-“

“Sir, she is married and is loyal to her husband. You cannot expect her to-”

“What? Married? What do you mean married?” I asked completely stunned and aghast.

Surely Elizabeth must have been bluffing when she left us with that excuse? There could not possibly be any truth to this news. She would not turn her back on me in such a way… Would she? Surely it must have been some sort of empty threat when she said she was to be married? She had no ring on her finger. She had not even mentioned an engagement prior to that night.

Yes, it must have been an excuse. An excuse to make Caroline believe her departure was understandable and excusable. Nothing during the past few days would have hinted of the fact that she would be marr… “Wait.” I mumbled deep in my thoughts. Something did seem quite suspicious and out of the norm. “It was a wedding you were attending this morning, wasn’t it? It was _her_ wedding you dressed so finely for.”

“I had not the heart to tell you.” she answered quietly and with a shameful and sad look. “Please sir. Please leave her be with her husband. She will be ever so very happy with Jacob. He will take good care of her.”

“That bloody farmer…” I sighed angrily at the mention of the man who stole my love away, “Does she truly think that _he’ll_ make her happy?”

Anna watched with a worrisome look about her as I paced back and forth, trying to calm my own nerves about the dramatic turn of events. “I certainly hope he will, Sir. She deserves to be taken care of.”

*

*

*

“Thomas? Come to join me, have you?” Caroline asked from the bed where she lay as I peeked through the door, curious to see whether or not she had begun her scouting just as she had threatened to. And indeed, there she was, sitting up against the headboard, piles of applications littered on top of our bed and her in her nightdress.

“Well we do need a nanny, don’t we?” I replied as I walked in in my own pajamas, joining her in the bed. I was not looking forward to replacing my Elizabeth. In fact, I dreaded it. I suppose my lack of interest of hiring a new nanny rooted from the fact that if we were to replace her, she truly would have no reason to return. And that is something my heart cannot accept. Not now as she wonders around town, carrying my child inside her.

But still… There was the issue of Caroline and her needs. Even with my need to have Elizabeth here with me, my loyalty must always be to my wife and children. And at this precise moment, they needed a new nanny desperately.

So, as unwilling as I was to replace Elizabeth as the nanny, the fact remained that the children needed someone to look after them. I lifted up a large stack of applications under the scrutiny and wonderment of my wife, glancing over each paper and sorting them out into potentials and rejects.

“What has come into you? Why are you suddenly so keen to find a replacement?” Caroline smirked curiously but innocently, truly interested in my shift in behavior on the matter.

“Just… pulled myself together, I suppose.” I replied simply but honestly. “So… what about this one?”

Caroline smiled and looked into my eyes, not pressing the matter any further. I suppose she was only glad that I had stopped with my avoidance on the matter and taking on an active role in the process instead.

My wife shifted from my eyes to the paper, grabbing the application and re-reading it before shaking her head in disagreement and placing it to the pile of the rejected. “Too young and not enough experience.” said she.

I nodded at her opinion. Perhaps it was indeed best to not have someone who was too young… I went through the rest of the pile and sorted it further, picking out the most promising ones. “And this? she seems to be slightly more experienced.”

Caroline looked over the second application I presented, grimacing slightly as she went through it. “No, I don’t think so. Too many households she’s worked in… doesn’t feel right.”

I sighed. Then again, perhaps her own pickiness would be the downfall of her goal…

“What of this?” I asked her yet again, showing an application that seemed perfectly fine for what ‘we’ were looking for.

“Plenty of experience… seems very qualified. Plenty of child care, excellent references…” she muttered whilst glancing over the applicant’s resume yet another time. She handed the piece of paper over, allowing me to inspect it for myself for a last evaluation. “You don’t think she is too old, do you?” she asked slightly concerned.

“Definitely not. Forty-five is an excellent age for nanny. She will be well-suited for the girls. Speaking of which…”

Both girls peeked through the door with their wide smiles, shyly checking to see whether or not their presence would be accepted in the room. Sensing the welcoming atmosphere of both myself and their mother, both girls ran from the door in their own nightdresses and hopped onto our bed.

“But what of the baby? Will she not be too old to take care of him for the next fifteen years?” Caroline asked as she pondered the woman’s application, ignoring the playful hugs and tumbles the girls played as they hopped onto our laps.

“Definitely not.” I replied succinctly and handed the paper over for her final scrutiny.

Caroline stared at the application in her hands, reading and re-reading it as she mulled over each word. My focus had, on the other hand, traveled to the two young girls who had arrived on our bed with their dolls.

The sudden departure of Elizabeth had been quite a shock the very next morning. Neither Lilly nor Ivy understood that she would not be coming back, which in turn, resulted in moments of frantic panic, moodiness and crying. Ivy, I think, managed to quell her sorrow quite quickly, though I suppose it was her age and short attention span that attributed to this behavior.

Lilly, who was substantially more mature than he sister, still had quite a way to go. Her moodiness had formed into an uneasy quietness that I found quite bothersome. She was never loud, per say, but there certainly had been a change after Elizabeth’s departure. My only hope is that they would be open to welcoming a new caretaker, when we decide upon one.

“Ivy, please stop tapping mama’s tummy.” I heard Caroline say to our youngest as she read the letter in her hands. Still after these few months, I found it quite unsettling to hear Caroline use these new words that she kept insisting on teaching the children. “What?” she asked as I looked over with a silent scowl, disapproving what she was teaching them. “Thomas, they need to learn.”

“I do not see what the fuss is about.” I replied, “Let them use the words they have grown up with.”

“Thomas no. They are growing up in high society and need to learn the proper terms. It won’t be too long now till we shall introduce Lilly to the public. Imagine the disgrace…”

“Well she shall be my little disgrace.” I replied, smiling inwardly at the thought of my child being quite ‘extraordinary’ and shacking some of the older generations with her spark. Lilly had always managed to be quite a rascal if she wanted to. That, added with her physical prowess and mind of her own, would certainly cause quite a stir if allowed to blossom.

“My Lord and Lady?” Mrs. Bell greeted with a shy knock and entered the room.

“Come in, Mrs. Bell.” the two of us greeted.

“Your breakfast, as requested my Lord.” said the elderly woman and held the door open for two of her helpers. The girls scurried along with their trays of food and delivered them to the two of us in bed.

“Oh how depressing. Soon I will not be able to have breakfast in bed any longer.” Caroline grumbled as the tray was placed on top of her, finding the lack of space between her belly and the tray troublesome.

“All for a good cause, Caroline.” I soothed her, albeit slightly amused.

I ignore her less than amused reply on the matter as she began going through the stack of mail Mrs. Bell had delivered with our breakfast. “Look, a letter from cousin Albert.” said she.

But I was too focused on my youngest daughter to listen further, opting to rather bask in Ivy’s smile as I buttered a piece of toast for her that had caught her eye as the tray had been placed on my lap. But there was something slightly amiss as I turned back to Caroline. Quite suddenly she had gone all quiet which, in her standards, was always warrant for concern.

“Caroline, what is it? What does the letter say?” I asked as she stared at the letter silently. She turned to me without a reply, handing over the single piece of paper.

 

_My dearest Cousin Thomas,_

_It is with much sadness and heartbreak that I write to you about the sudden death of my father, your Uncle Charles. Father has passed away comfortably unto the pearly gates of Heaven and joined God and his angels. As you may know, father was an active man despite his years, and I am fortunate to inform you he passed away in good health and in peace._

_Both mother and I have gone into mourning, but I ask of you, dear cousin, to visit my mother in your earliest convenience. I fear the sudden loss of her husband has taken a toll on her frail body, and I believe she is in grave need of familiar company to lift her spirits._

_I wish you and your family all the best in these dark times and I hope to hear from you soon._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Albert_


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing too much in terms of plot, but just a little groundwork for future turn of events.

It had been over a month since I last laid eyes on my beautiful Kensington Lisle. The earth had turned brown and green after shedding its white coat of snow, and the trees and bushes began to bloom yet again. Our trip to visit my mourning aunt and cousin had been… interesting. Unlike the letter that I had received from my cousin, Aunt Georgia wasn’t, as what one might call, distraught nor frail. Instead, she seemed quite hyper and full of life. Whether or not this was a case of hysterical behavior caused by the sudden shock of my uncle’s passing, or a realization of the shortness of life and new found joy to live it to the fullest, I was not certain.

Aunt seemed to be more than capable of dealing with herself. In fact, she seemed quite excited to go out and ‘live life’ as she had said. All of this was quite unusual for a mourning widow, I must admit. It certainly surprised both I and Caroline as we first saw her.

Unfortunately, Cousin Albert did not seem as excited as his mother. If someone was distraught, it was him. I fear that the unresolved issues between him and his father were partly to blame on Albert’s depressed state. I don’t blame him of course. But now that he was the man of the house, the first heir and successor of his father, it was time for him to stand up and pull himself together in order to manage what his father had left him.

This was the reason for our late return back home. As a favor to my aunt, and a personal need to help my cousin through this difficult ordeal, I had promised to prolong my stay there and help Albert to begin his reign on his father’s estate. Caroline was supportive of this cause of course, but after the first two weeks of our stay, her patience was clearly wearing thin.

My wife, in her current state, was starting to feel increasingly fragile and tired. Her belly had grown substantially over the course of our stay, and it would not be too long now until the newest addition to our clan would be born. It was fascinating to re-live these precious moments as a child grew in my wife’s belly each day. The subtle taps in her belly that had begun just as we left Kensington Lisle had now developed into quite forceful kicks. I cannot lie that I did not find these moments fascinating as I watched and held her bare belly at night in our bed. The slight movements the child made as I touched and listened to her midsection were indeed magical. Both Caroline and Aunt Georgia predicted that these strong kicks were a sign of a strong and healthy boy. I was not sure whether to believe such things, since both Lilly and Ivy had been quite active as well, but it was a pleasant thought nevertheless.

And speaking of the two girls in question, both active little doves were just barely waking up from their pleasant naps as we rode in our carriage on our way back home. Caroline had just woken up herself mere moments ago and was staring at me and Ivy, who slept comfortably on my lap. Caroline watched with tired but happy smile, silently staring at the two of us as we snuggled against the cushioned seat.

“Just in time.” Caroline said with a soft voice as Ivy yawned silently but dramatically. “Did you sleep well, my love?” she asked, receiving a tired nod from the child as a response.

“Are we there yet?” the small child asked as she looked through the window, but could only see the many trees in the forest we traveled through.

“Nearly there.” Caroline answered with a slight giggle as she found her young child adorable. “We’re nearing the fields. After that we’ll arrive at home.”

“Can we stop and look at the horsies?” she asked suddenly quite alive and interested.

Caroline sighed tiredly with a slight shake of her head. “I don’t think so, my love. We are all quite tired, I think. Best to just arrive at home and return to our routines.” said she.

This did not sit well with the young child. Ivy immediately turned quite sour and defied her mother’s opinion, wanting nothing more than to see the large animals she had taken a fondness to.

“Ivy, I do not wish to hear you moan and bicker about this.” Caroline chastised the child as she began to whine, insisting on stopping for a moment.

“How about I take Ivy and the two of you continue on?” I offered a compromise, nodding to her and our oldest who still napped against her mother’s chest. “We’ll stop for a brief moment and walk the rest of the way.”

Caroline shook her head and sighed tiredly, “Are you sure?”

“Yes yes. We’ll be fine.” I replied.

“Fine, if that is what you wish. Please don’t be too late.” said she.

After I signaled the driver to stop for a moment, Ivy hopped off my lap and exited the carriage as I held the door open. There amidst the woods, just at the entrance to the forest, we waited and waved at the two ladies in the carriage as they resumed their way back home to Mother.

With hand in hand, I and Ivy walked silently down and across the first hill to visit the stables and grazing area of the horses. Ivy pulled at my hand vigorously as she saw the few horses that walked and trotted along the area. If it weren’t for my tight hold on her, I would have no doubt that the little girl would have ran and jumped towards the fenced area the moment she were free.

Much to Ivy’s displeasure however, she was limited to only watching the horses due to her tiny stature. I grabbed the tiny girl and held her in my arms, lifting her up to the top of the fence where she could reach the few curious horses that had come to take a look. With her feet placed solidly on top of one of the fence boards, and with me keeping a hold of her sides, Ivy focused on the manes of the horses; ruffling the soft hair with both hands and scratching their long faces.

“Would you care to feed them a carrot or two?” a soft and familiar voice interrupted us suddenly. The voice was unmistakable.

Immediately both I and Ivy turned our heads to find Elizabeth standing a few feet behind us, next to the entrance to the stable, looking tired and slightly frazzled as she held onto two buckets of water.

“LIZZIE!” Ivy shouted with happy surprise, pushing back against me and hopping down before running to Elizabeth, who immediately placed down the heavy lifts to embrace the tiny hug Ivy’s little arms gave her.

“Hello my darling. I’ve missed you.” Elizabeth said with a heartwarming smile as she bent slightly over, reaching for Ivy’s back to stroke it gently. “How have you been? Have you been a good girl to your mummy and daddy?” Ivy nodded silently as she held on tightly to her former nanny. “And your sister? Have the two of you been civil towards each other?” Again, Ivy nodded vigorously. “That is exactly what I wanted to hear.”

“Ivy, won’t you let Miss Lizzie and I speak alone for a moment.” I said to my daughter, receiving a hearty ‘no’ as an answer.

“Better give us a moment to talk, little one. I’m sure we will see each other again. Now go on, give these to the horses.” Elizabeth said, turning towards a bag of carrots that sat against a wooden wall of the stable, taking out a few and giving them to the child. Ivy did not seem too keen to return to the horses, but ultimately did as she was asked to, allowing the two of us to share a much needed moment.

I was rather shocked to see her after all this time. The child she carried was quite noticeable now, but did not rival its sibling. But what worried me of her appearance were the other physical changes that had taken place after her departure. She had clearly lost quite a bit of weight as her arms and face seemed significantly slimmer than when she had left our service.

Hello Elizabeth. How are you?” I greeted her gently, hoping not to scare her away.

“Hello Thomas.” She greeted me back with her sweet voice but did not mention how she fared.

“You should not be carrying such heavy weights.” I said as I nodded towards the two buckets filled nearly to the brim with water.

“The animals need water.”

“Someone else should do it, you are not fit to carry such things.”

“I do not mind.”

“But I do.”

Both I and Elizabeth stared at each other silently as the tension between us only grew stronger. I tried my best to not create any unnecessary friction, since this was the first time I had managed to see her. But I felt so very concerned for her. She should not have to do such things in her fragile state. “I was told you had married recently.” I managed to mutter after my thoughts, trying to make pleasant conversation.

“I did.” she answered slightly awkwardly. “Jacob is a good husband; he takes care of me and loves me.”

“I wonder how he will feel after he sees that child.” I replied, insinuating that Mr. Baker would not be as pleasant once he saw that the child did not resemble him whatsoever.

“Jacob knows the child is yours.” she replied honestly and precisely.

“He- he does?” I asked stunned.

“I told him when he proposed… and he still wanted me.”

“That is… extraordinary. Very generous of him.”

“It was not generosity. It was love.”

“Elizabeth, it is still not too late to accept my offer of taking care of you and the child. I can provide a safe and warm home for you. There wouldn’t be any need to strain yourself with such physical duties. If you would just let me provide you with a-“

“No! No, Thomas.” she interrupted me with a brisk shake of her head and an aversion to my presence near her. “I am married now and I cannot take on such an offer.”

“But I love you, Elizabeth.” I insisted.

“You should not say such things. Can you not accept that I cannot be yours?”

“I will accept that you are married, but I cannot believe that you have ceased to love me.”

Elizabeth huffed and sighed, muttering slight words to herself. “Why do you have to make everything so difficult…”

“I care for you, Elizabeth. I care for you and our child.”

“Thomas, you cannot be in my life anymore. It is immoral, uncivil and wrong and this harassing that you do must stop at once.”

Of course I was aware of all these reasons she gave me to not continue with our relationship. I knew that she was indeed a very serious person and did not take any relationship lightly, but I could not accept that she would freely marry the farmer and be done with me. Not when she was expecting _my_ child. The only thing I needed to know for sure was if she truly did not want me. If she truly did not _love_ me anymore. Only if she denied her love for me outright, would I be satisfied and ready to stop my pursuits.

“Do you still love me?” I asked plainly. After all that we went through and all the moments we shared, I could not believe she would deny that she loved me. Why would she have stayed in our service for as long as she did, if she truly did not feel anything towards me?

But Elizabeth only stared, surprise etched on her face as she tried to understand my question. “What?” she asked.

“I need to know if you still love me. I will stop my pursuits if you do not love me.” I admitted with a promise, completely sure that she would not deny me.

“I do not believe you.” said she incredulously.

“Then say it. Say that you do not love me and I will never seek you out ever again.” Despite my request, she remained completely silent. “Say it!” I demanded this time with a burning need to know her answer.

“I-I… I need to leave.” she said, not revealing her answer much to my amazement.

“Elizabeth? ELIZABETH!” I called for her as she left me alone with my curiosity unquenched.  

 

* * *

 

“Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why couldn’t I just say it and have it all done with?” I mumbled to myself as I hurried my way back home after bumping into Ivy and Thomas at the stables. I cannot lie and say that seeing him after all these weeks didn’t warm my heart slightly. In fact, he seemed just as lovely as he always did with his beautiful eyes and his expressive eyebrows…

No, no, no. I should not have said a word, I shouldn’t have intervened.

“Hello love.” Jacob said as I stepped into the kitchen of the small cottage we lived in with his parents. If it weren’t for his sunny greeting, he would have gone unseen by me as I kept mulling over the disruptive meeting mere moments ago.

“Jacob!” I exclaimed, surprised to see him here at this time of day. “You gave me a fright.”

Jacob snickered as he rose from the chair he sat on, quickly walking over to give me a big warm hug. “I’m sorry, dear. I did not mean to scare you.”

“What are you doing here so early?”

“Work is all done for today.” he replied with a whisper, kissing the side of my face ever so lovingly. “I could not wait to see my wife.”

“You spoil me.” I chuckled with a tap on his hand that rubbed my slowly forming belly.  “How did everything go? Did you manage to scrounge enough wood to begin with the addition?” Jacob had insisted after our return from our honeymoon hideaway, that he would build a slight addition to the cottage in order to give us more privacy and room once the baby is born. I of course protested this immediately, insisting that we did not need such things. But once Jacob’s mind was set, he was relentless in his mission.

“All went quite well actually. The lads and I got most of the necessary items ready and stored up. I’m only waiting for the blacksmith to deliver the rest of the nails and such.” said he proudly as he sat back down. “And you? How was your day?”

“It was fine. I um…” I hesitated, unsure whether or not to tell him of my short but stormy chat with Thomas. I knew what Jacob thought of him and how he despised Thomas, but I fear if I did not tell him, he would find out sooner or later and that would only complicate things further. The last thing I ever want is to make him feel as though he cannot trust his own wife. “I saw Thomas today.” I admitted with a slight stutter of hesitation.

And just as I had predicted, Jacob stared back at me with surprise and a hint of anger as he heard the name of this other man. “You did what?” said he. One of his hands that lay on the table immediately tightened into a fist, his knuckles quickly turning white at the strain.

“He and his daughter stopped to pet the horses as I worked in the stables this afternoon.” I replied honestly.

“I see. Did something… happen?” He asked. Jacob’s expression was one of calmness now, but the underlying irritation and anger was clear to see.

“No, nothing happened.”

“Elizabeth.” he warned subtly. I knew of course that his distrust was not directed at me, but to Thomas.

“I swear, nothing happened. He said he loved me, but I put a stop to it and left.” I replied, hoping and silently praying to god that he would not act on instinct due to this piece of news. Unfortunately I was not so blessed. Jacob jumped from his seat and went straight to the door, quickly taking his coat and cap from the coat stand, threatening to leave. “Jacob, please don’t do anything rash!” I begged, immediately running to stand in front of the door to deny him of his leave.

“You are MY wife, Elizabeth! He has no right to lay any claim to you.” he replied with visible anger now.

I tried to calm him down with gentle caresses, hoping that he would soon quiet down and relax. “He didn’t claim me, we just talked, nothing else. Please Jacob, calm down.”

“What did he want then?”

“He merely wanted to know how I was.”

“And that was it?” he asked somewhat incredulous. I did not want to tell him what else had happened, knowing that his anger on the matter would only increase. But I’m afraid he found out by the look of my hesitation that something was still a-miss. “Elizabeth, what else did he say?!”

“He… offered to accommodate me and the baby in a house.”

“HE OFFERED YOU A HOUSE?!” He screamed out in angry surprise, making me flinch in front of him.

“Jacob, please!” I begged him to stop as he began mumbling obscenities. “I refused, of course.”

“How dare he?! Offering my wife a house, is he?! Does he not think I’m capable of supporting you?”

“I don’t care what he thinks, my love. He does not matter at all.”

“He bloody well does matter, being the father and all.” he spat. No matter if Jacob’s intention was to spite me by saying such a thing, I found his last comment to be quite hurtful and offensive nevertheless.

I was rather disappointed that he would speak to me in such a way, since I felt that I had been quite honest with him. I slowly backed away from the door, allowing him to do as he pleased as I walked back into the kitchen. “You know he will never be a part of our child’s life, Jacob. This will be our baby.” I said as I sat down, quietly awaiting to see how he would respond.

But Jacob only huffed angrily, stomping out of the door and then slamming it. For a moment, I feared he would seek out Thomas in attempts to seek some odd revenge, but fortunately, Jacob walked past the kitchen window, heading to the exact opposite of Kensington Lisle. Jacob walked with angry and heavy stomps towards the family barn, until I could no longer see a thing but hear only a series of clangs and yells as he worked on something in the large building.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up: the story timeline begins to speed up at this point.

I was barely awake as I finally heard the creaking noise of the floorboards as Jacob entered our bedroom. It had been hours since our spat, but the difficult tension between us that worried me still had not dissipated. As anxious as I was to hear what he had to say after these last few hours, I remained still in our bed, moving not an inch as I waited to see what he would say or do.

But Jacob did not say a thing. Instead, his words were limited to slight utterances and sighs as he undressed his clothes. With each step he took closer to the bed, I felt nervous; nervous to see what he would do.

To my surprise, he was rather gentle. He lifted up the cover and got in, leaning against my back as he took a hold of my waist and pulled me flush against him. He peppered me with gentle, slow kisses to the side of my face and hair, breathing in the scent of my hair slowly.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered into my ear. “I’m sorry for acting like an ass.” said he and rubbed my midsection tenderly to calm me.

“You said horrible things to me.” I replied as I kept staring at the wall, trying my best to keep my tired tears from falling. I knew he did not mean to say those things to me, but in truth, they did sting when he said them, reminding me of the foul acts I had committed in my previous affair and the consequences of said torrid relationship.

“I did and I am so very sorry.” said he with a tight hug and nuzzle. “I was angry and damn jealous. But I never meant to hurt you the way I did.”

I turned around in his arms and faced him, looking straight into his sorry, fearful eyes that held such softness. “Should I be worried of you?”

“Of me?” he asked. “Of course not. Why would you ask such a thing?”

“Jacob… I must know that I needn’t be scared of what is to come.”

“Of course you needn’t be scared, silly love. What is there to be afraid of?”

“That you won’t love me or my baby when the time comes...”

“Lizzie –“

“No, Jacob, listen to me…” I insisted with a tap on his chest to make him concentrate. “This child will always remind me of Thomas. That is never going to change. But I love you so much and I need to know if you will be by my side and raise this child with me.”

“Of course I will be by your side.” he replied. The mention of Thomas made him sigh to himself, but instantly returned to being his calm and soft self. “I promise I will hold my temper in the future. It was wrong of me to smite you in such a way.”

“And will you leave Thomas be?” I asked, needing his assurance that he would not act brashly at the sight of him.

“I do not want him in our lives, love.” said he in a pleading tone.

“A part of him will always be in our lives. But promise me that you will be at least civil towards him. Please?” I begged, wishing to see the matter resolved and not have to worry every time either of us happens to meet him. It was far time that this bitter rivalry and animosity between them should be over.

“Very well. I promise.”

  

* * *

  

Kensington Lisle was like a madhouse yet again. The upstairs staff, led by Mrs. Bell and Mr. Harrison, scurried along with their linens, brooms and other equipment as if mice competing in a race. The kitchen staff was expertly creating wonderful meals that scented half of the first floor with delicious aromas, the gardeners pruning the new leafy bushes into perfection… All in preparation for the Easter festivities Caroline insisted on celebrating with her soon-to-be guests. My suspicion is that she was more than keen to show-off her new household’s first Easter celebration, rather than to celebrate the holy resurrection of our savior, but I did not mind this.

I was rather hoping that this difference in pace would limit the unnecessary pondering and fretting of Elizabeth, who I had recently seen a few days ago, after our long period of separation. Her lack of a resolved answer to my question had left me hanging on a ledge, maddening my mind with a possibility of a more happier alternative for the two of us.

But there was one thing that truly had me concerned for Elizabeth’s safety. I had noted her recent loss of weight and the slight fragility that came with the loss. Surely this was not a good sign for an expecting mother? Seeing her in such a state, and being forced to do such tremendous laboring, had me fuming later on as I recalled our moment together. In no circumstances should she have been allowed to do such things.

“Thomas! Thomas, have you seen Mrs. Bell?” Caroline asked as she waddled down the stairs to where I stood next to the stairwell. She held her heavy belly with one hand as she came down, leaning on the railing with the other for support.

I immediately went back up to meet her halfway and helped her down. “She’s been running around all day. Is there something you need?” I asked as we came down.

“I wished to make sure the guestrooms are ready, the garden is in tip-top shape for the egg-hunt and that the crafting items are ready for when the children arrive. OH! And the eggs! Have the eggs been decorated yet?!”

“The eggs are ready, dear.” I chuckled at her state. “I will look into the rest.”

“There is so much to do, Thomas, and the guests are soon upon us.”

“I know, but I think perhaps you should take a moment to rest, yes?” Caroline hesitated over my insistence, not wishing to leave anything uncompleted under her watchful eye. “I will seek out Bell or Harrison and ask for an update on everything. Now… won’t you sit down for a moment and have a cup of tea? I do not want you to over-stress yourself.”

“Over-stress myself?” said she with a sarcastic laugh. “When I was expecting Ivy, I could oversee a party with half the staff that we have now.”

“You were also much younger, dear.” Caroline gasped at my teasing. “Just a bit of fun.”

“You are a scoundrel, Thomas.” said she looking quite serious. If it weren’t for a slight hint of a wicked smile afterwards, I would have felt a tad bit guilty and shamed of the tease.

 *

*

*

“Here you go, Sir, the colored parchment for your party.” The shopkeeper said as he handed over the stack of crafting paper for the party.

“Thank you, kind sir. My children will be greatly appreciative of the extra materials you managed to order us. Good afternoon!” I thanked the man, tipping my hat as I took the items and made my way out and to the busy street.

“Oi, watch it.” the young Mr. Baker said as we nearly bumped on the street as I came out of the shop. It took us both a few seconds to realize who we both were dealing with, but the hostile animosity followed instantly. “Oh…” he said with an annoyed sigh. “Mr. Hiddleston.” he greeted with a sour face and a nod.

“Mr. Baker.” I greeted him back, trying to hold my tongue from any lashing.

“Don’t you have servants do such work for you?” said he with a nod towards the slight stack I held in my gloved hand.

“Despite what you may think, I am not useless nor am I incompetent to do my own shopping, thank you.” I replied.

“No… I suppose not.” he muttered under his breath.

There was more than a slight air of tension and friction as the two of us stood facing each other. He seemed quite anxious; ready to leave my company just as hastily as he bumped into it. “And how is… Mrs. Baker? Is she well?” I asked, needing to know how Elizabeth was and how she was handling the pregnancy.

“What is my wife any of your concern?” he asked with sneer and with an air of arrogant behavior.

“Do not test me, boy.” I warned him, not tolerating such rudeness from the younger man.

“Who are you calling a ‘boy’?”

“Stop this instant!” Elizabeth yelled at us as she popped out of nowhere. “The two of you are acting like little children.” she continued as she stomped hurriedly to the other man, locking her arm around his and pulling him in attempt to make him leave.

“My apologies. I was merely curious of your health and well-being, dear lady.” I apologized to her, not wishing to cause her any harm or discomfort on the matter between I and Baker.

“I thank you for your concern, Sir. I am well, thank you.” she replied simply but to the point. The young man could not hide the slight smirk he showed after hearing her formally address me as ‘Sir’. The bloody tosser must have being enjoying the change of her demeanor towards me to the fullest.

“Elizabeth, you are so thin. Are you sure everything is well?”

“The lady said she is fine.” he said, taking a step forward as if ready to pounce.

“You need to eat more, do less physical activities… Think of the child.”

“We are not at Kensington Lisle ‘Sir’. If you hadn’t noticed, not everyone has the luxury of being waited on and fattening up.” Baker continued, seemingly quite riled up.

“Jacob, please…” Elizabeth whispered, tugging at his arm.

“Elizabeth, get in the cart.”

“Jacob, you promised.”

“Get in the cart. I will be there shortly.” Baker said with authority. The two of us watched keenly as Elizabeth gave us a final worried look, then slowly and quietly backing away until she made it to the cart safely. After this, Baker turned to me with a rather threatening look and tone. “I do not want you near us again, do you understand me?”

“Will you cease this unnecessary threatening?” I huffed, fed up with this man’s incompetence to see his wife’s current state. “Think of your wife, man! She is small and frail to begin with, and with a growing child inside her, she cannot deal with such physical stress.”

“I will take care of my wife as I see fit. You leave out of this…” he replied swiftly, immediately turning his back to me and joining his wife at the cart. “…and pay attention to your own wife for a change.”

 

* * *

 

The ride back home was one of horrid tension. Both of us stared at the road before us in utter silence, not knowing what to say to one and other nor caring to know. I was rather disappointed in Jacob, I cannot lie. His promise to calm his temper had fallen short of what was discussed, leaving me wondering if he would ever change his view of Thomas.

“I’m sorry.” he said as we neared the house in our cart, surprising me with his change in demeanor. He did not look at my direction as he said his apologies, but rather stared straight ahead, as if talking to himself.

“ ’Sorry’ is not enough, Jacob. You broke your promise.” I replied, following his lead and staring straight ahead.

“He provoked me! You heard how he spoke of you!” he said with slight anger, trying to justify himself and his actions.

“I do not think he did, love.” I replied with a sigh. “He was merely worried, that is all.”

“But he has no right to be!”

“Perhaps not, but you cannot act like that. You cannot threaten him like you did!” I insisted angrily.

As we stopped next to our cottage, I grasped at the side of the cart, trying to lower myself to the ground. But Jacob hopped down first, running around and lifting me down like a dutiful husband despite our current disagreement of the subject at hand.

“Do I treat you badly?” he asked as he lowered me, looking quite concerned. “Are you… unhappy?”

“You silly goose…” I sighed, touched that even though he acted brashly to Thomas, he still felt responsible for me and cared for me. His eyes were so tender and expressive, and I could not help but feel bad for the inner turmoil inside he must have felt. “Have I ever complained?” I whispered against his lips as I brought his head closer to mine.

“No. But you are a tad bit slimmer and more tired…” he replied softly.

“Blame it on the change of diet and a hungry, growing baby.” I chuckled, trying to convince him that he had done nothing wrong. “I love you and you make me happy. This hostility you have against Thomas… it’s in your head. It’s in your horribly jealous head, my love.”

Jacob chuckled as he listened to me, holding me now close to him with his strong arms as if he could never have enough. “I’m rather stupid sometimes, aren’t I?”

“Sometimes. A bit too brash too, but I love you nonetheless.”

 

* * *

 

“Hello, my darling.” Caroline whispered as I entered our bedroom after the first day’s festivities. Caroline laid in our bed with her nightdress hiked up, rubbing her oils and potions and whatnot onto her round belly, staring deeply at me with her tired eyes.

“Good evening. Everything alright?” I asked as I began my undressing; taking off my tie and evening jacket.

Caroline nodded slowly with a deep sigh as she looked down at her hand that went round and around with the oil. “Everything is just as it should.” said she.

I chuckled at her tired response, but soon found her hand that massaged her belly quite hypnotizing. “Baby is getting rather big, isn’t it?”

Caroline sighed contently. “He is. I suspect he’ll grow up to be your size, by the looks of things.” she giggled. “Won’t be too long now. Mama suspects the end of June, perhaps early July.”

“That is indeed quite soon. Have you contacted a decorator for the baby’s room?”

“I haven’t yet. Mama and I are waiting until after the Easter festivities are over.”

“That is probably for the best.” I replied as I pulled on my pajamas and headed to the bed. Caroline turned to me on her side as I settled against the pillows, keenly watching my every move as if she were waiting for something. “What? Why are you staring at me?” I asked as I took my book from my bedside table.

“Admiring my lovely husband.” said she as she leaned over and gave a slow kiss to the side of my head, making her way down to my neck.

I must admit, the past few loveless moths had taken quite a toll on my body and soul. Without the gentleness of Elizabeth to keep me satisfied, and the lack of physical contact with my wife, has made me wither slightly over the course of these few months. It was as if the slightest touch on sensitive skin burned as if a sting one could not scratch. I wanted more. Even with the lack of romance in my marriage, and the subsequent torrent affair with Elizabeth, I could not help but heel the rise inside me as Caroline gently kissed at my neck. I knew it probably would not be best to continue on this path with Caroline, since I still had feelings towards Elizabeth. But the gentle caress of her hand on my thigh, and her lips on my jaw and neck, made me lose my sense of utter sensibility.

“What are you getting at?” I whispered against her face as she kept going.

“It’s been an eternity since you last touched me, Thomas.” said she as she took my hand and placed it on her bare thigh, slowly moving it upwards and underneath her now lowered nightdress.

“We-we shouldn’t…” I hesitated, trying to calm the burning desire she had managed to light. “…what of the baby?”

“Never stopped you before…” she replied and bit her lower lip. Instantly memories of past bedroom activities, whilst she was expecting Lilly and Ivy, invaded my mind. Caroline captured my lips with heated kisses, slowly crawling herself up until she straddled my lap.

She was a sight… Her round curves and full bosom had always been of interest in her most delicate of times. She seemed to glow a special light; a light that always attracted me to her as if an insect to light, ready to be scorched. “This was always your favorite time during my pregnancies. Do you remember?” said she with a wide grin, slowly unbuttoning the flimsy dress she wore.

“I do recall…” I replied, staring with a gaze at her reveal, watching as the forces of pregnancy had made their changes on the woman who had given me my children. “…certain perks of pregnancy, yes.”

*

*

*

It has been well over a month now since the Easter festivities and my last occurrence with Elizabeth. While I have gotten used to not seeing her or hearing of her now, I find myself thinking of her during my time alone whilst locked up in my study. My venture into writing her letters about the progress of our baby had not gone as I had initially hoped for. Not a single letter over the course of these six weeks had received a reply. Whether this was due to her own choice, or the choice of her husband, I do not know. But what I did know for certain, was that the lack of knowledge on the progress of our baby was maddening

But with my lack of conversation with Elizabeth, I have found myself spending more and more time with my previously estranged wife. Miraculously, I find myself feeling rather drawn to her and the expected child she carries. I suppose the venture into bringing a new child had mended issues we previously had between us, to a degree at least, just as she had predicted all those months ago.

Undoubtedly, there are still a few things that need time to heal in our marriage, but I suspect that with the birth of our new child, and the time we spend reconnecting as a family, it won’t be too long till we revert to what we once were. Especially if this lack of communication with Elizabeth continues.

“Thomas, what do you think?” Caroline asked as she stared at two different samples of wallpaper for the baby’s room. “Should it be the dark blue or the light blue with the white stripes?” She eyed the two, deep in thought.

“Definitely the lighter one.” I replied with a smirk and a kiss on the side of her head. “It’ll fit in with the rest of the colors in the nursery.”

Caroline nodded, agreeing with me on the choice. “I suppose you’re right. Better not make it too dark for the child.” Caroline said with a deep moan as she walked to the other side of the room, holding her back that seemed to cause her such pain.  She sat down on one of the rocking chairs in the nursery we were currently in, breathing heavily as she looked around the unfinished room.

The old room was in the middle of its busy and hectic transformation, which was insisted by my wife, who felt that the baby should have its own room in the household. Of course there had been slight opposition to this notion by the girls, who did not look too kindly of their soon-to-be sibling having an entire room all to his- or herself, and thus, leaving the two of them in their shared room.

“We must remember to see to the girls’ needs.” I reminded my wife as I mazed through the still incomplete room, finding my way to one of the side tables that held the rest of the samples for the room. “I think they are slightly cross at us for not paying enough attention to their needs.” I chuckled aloud to my wife who kept rocking behind me. “Ivy had a bit of a tantrum earlier today… something to do with wanting a canopy?”

“Thomas…”

“I suppose I could take her out shopping… Perhaps she could find something to her liking in town.” I continued with a slight daydream, pondering how to deal with the matter with least amount of conflict.

“Thomas…” Caroline said again but more urgently.

As I turned around, I saw Caroline slightly curled inwards and quite tense, grasping at her belly with both hands as a look of panic swept onto her face. “What is wrong?” I asked, hurrying myself to crouch at her feet.

“I-I-I think it’s time…” she said with a huff as she sat completely still. “But it’s too early… It’s too early, Thomas.”

With the sudden realization of what was happening, I lifted her up by her arm and began to walk her to our bedroom. “It is not too early, don’t worry. Everything will be fine.” I replied, trying to calm her down, though I’m afraid she was right. There should have been at least a few weeks more before the birthing would arrive.

“MRS. BELL!” I yelled for her assistance. The older lady ran up the stairs instantly, joining us as we made our way to the end of the hall and to our bedroom. “Mrs. Bell, call for a midwife. I suspect we shall be expecting a new baby soon.” I told her with slight pride, but soon I was put into my place as the woman I carried began to scream, making me hurry along to our destination a tad faster.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning! Chapter includes somewhat graphic descriptions of labor and violent birthing.

”There you go, there you go.” I murmured to my gasping wife as I placed her in our bed after helping her change into something more comfortable. Her chest heaved as she breathed heavily, moaning slightly with each agonizing move she made.

“Will you stay with me?” she asked as she settled in, grasping tightly at my arm as I sat down next to her.

“I’ll stay until the midwife arrives.” I answered, swiping her hair up as it began to fall on her slowly sweating face. “Don’t worry, everything will be fine. You’ve done this before.”

“Doesn’t make it any more pleasant…” she murmured.

“No, I suppose it doesn’t.” I chuckled at her response, trying to make her more comfortable by placing the pillows on the bed behind her back.

“Wha-whatever… shall we do… Thomas?” she asked under her heaving breath, wincing at the sharp pains in her back and pelvis. “It is… too early for the baby… to arrive. We are not prepared yet… The nursery –“

“The nursery will be dealt with later.” I insisted. I continued on with making her more comfortable, walking to the bath to fetch her some water to cool her down. “We must concentrate on one thing at a time.”

“But there is still so much to do… We haven’t even decided upon a name yet.”

“Sir? Milady?” We heard Mrs. Bell ask for us as she peeked through the door.

“Yes, Mrs. Bell?”

“I have received word that the midwife is on her way and will be in shortly.”

“Excellent! Thank you, Bell.”

“May I be of any assistance, sir?”

“Clean towels and perhaps something to drink, thank you.” I requested, to which Bell nodded and saw to immediately. “See? Just as before. Nothing to worry about.”

*

*

*

“Any word, Milord?” Harrison asked in the dead of night as I sat lounging in the corridor outside my own bedroom.

“Afraid not. It would seem that the child is taking it’s time.” I answered with a tired yawn, rubbing my eyes from the strain of keeping myself awake for all this time. It had been a grueling thirteen hours since Caroline went into labor, and still nothing had happened in this time.

“Perhaps a nap in one of the guestrooms is in order, Sir?” he proposed.

As tempting as the offer was, I could not agree with such a decision. “Thank you Harrison, but I suspect that my nerves won’t allow for such a luxury, despite how tired I am.”

“I see. Then perhaps something to eat or drink? Tea? A glass of brandy, Sir?”

“I don’t think so, Harrison. I thank you for your concern, but perhaps it is time for _you_ get some rest yourself?”

Harrison nodded tiredly and I felt sorry for keeping him up at such a late hour. The man was loyal and proud indeed, but certainly the lack of sleep would take a toll on the old man nevertheless. “Indeed, Milord.” he agreed, trying desperately to hide an involuntary yawn. “However, I suspect that the promise of a new child in Kensington Lisle is far too important than sleep. So with your permission, Sir, I would much rather wait until news arrives of the Lady and baby.”

I smiled at the man, feeling touched that he cared for the baby and Caroline. “Of course, Mr. Harrison.”

“Daddy?” Lilly whispered as she walked along the corridor, standing only a few feet behind Harrison and in the dark. I immediately stirred from the half-sleep I was in as I sat on the creaky wooden armchair.

“Hello, my love. What are you doing still up? You should be sleeping.”

Lilly rubbed her tired eyes as she came closer, walking straight past a smiling Harrison, as if she were the living dead out for a stroll. “What is wrong with mummy?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow at the room where the crying yells and gasps could be heard from.

“Nothing is wrong with mummy, my love.” I replied, whisking her off her feet and onto my lap, holding her close. Her sitting on my lap and in my arms reminded me of the night of her birth; of how I used to hold her in my arms as if she were the most delicate thing on earth. “Mummy is just waiting for a baby to arrive.” I whispered to her, petting her hair as she began to fall asleep in my arms, too tired to stay up.

“Is there a stork here?” she mumbled tiredly, trying to keep the conversation going.

“No… The stork hasn’t arrived yet.” I chuckled at the silly white lie the children were told. I looked up towards Harrison, who seemed to enjoy the pure innocence and truth in what she believed in. “Now, get a move on. Perhaps the stork shall arrive later on and you can meet the baby tomorrow.” I lifted up from the chair, holding her close by both legs as she fell silent, nearly succumbing to sleep.

“Shall I take her, Sir?” Harrison asked. I agreed, handing the child over to him and watched as he waddled quietly to the children’s room to tuck the girl in.

As the two left, an utter silence fell yet again in the corridor, maddening the lonely wait even more until I could not take it any longer. I walked straight to the door, then knocking twice before entering the darkly lit room. “Hello? How are things here?”

”Still waiting, Sir.” Mrs. Bell said tiredly from the side of the bed where she sat wiping Caroline’s sweaty brow.

With no objection from Caroline, I entered further inside the room, kneeling on the floor to see how she was doing. “Hello, Caroline. How are you feeling?” Caroline only mumbled incoherent words, managing to say only a few distinct words of the pain she felt. “I know…” I whispered against her ear, trying to understand the ordeal she was going through. “Here, let me help.” I said, lifting her back slightly so I could scoot behind her. There I helped to relieve the heat on the back of her neck and shoulders, wiping the sweat and dampness with cold water and a cloth, trying to get her more relaxed.

”Begging your pardon, but you should not be in here, Sir. It simply isn’t proper.” the midwife said heartlessly as she stared at my activity.

“I am tired of waiting and not receiving any news whatsoever.” I replied, not caring for propriety or how the process of labor should proceed in a more civilized household. “Now… you will tend to my wife and baby just as your training dictates, and _I_ shall sit here for support. Am I understood?”

The middle-aged woman pulled a sour looking expression but did not oppose my wishes. She nodded and continued on with the observing of the birthing at hand.

*

*

*

For another taxing five hours we waited, lying in the bed half-asleep and at our wits end. Every so-often, as she would stir from her sleep during her most painful moments, I would massage her back, whispering supportive things in her ear to keep her going on. But with each painful contraction that came, the more tired and panicked would she get, until she could no longer stay put.

“Ooh. Oow.” she began wailing suddenly and noticeably louder than before, which accompanied a drastic change in the position she had on the bed. “Thomas…”

“Yes, dear? Are you alright.” I asked, suddenly quite awake as I watched her brace herself on her arms for the first time in hours, lifting up into a sitting position as her legs widened apart.

“I-I think the baby is coming now.” she said with a furrowed brow, which made the two other women in the room stand up at attention.

“Are you sure?”

“Uh-huh.” she moaned with a vigorous nod.

The midwife kneeled on the bed in front of Caroline, lifting up the flimsy dress she wore to take a closer look at what was happening. “Start pushing, Lady Hiddleston!” she yelled, pushing her legs wider. “That’s it. Keep pushing.” And Caroline did with as much force as she could muster up with what little energy she had left. The room was littered with gasps and cries as Caroline yelled in pain, accompanied by the frantic and confused Bell who held her hand, spurring her on while the midwife guided her. “Oh! I can see the head.” the midwife said ecstatically.

With the news that it would soon be over, I whispered into Caroline’s ear, supporting her through the ordeal which would soon come to an end. “Almost over, love. Just keep breathing.”

Caroline nodded as she pulled heavy breaths into her lungs, taking a moment to focus before continuing with the violent task. “That’s it, almost there.” the midwife cheered her on as she held the child’s head between Caroline’s legs. “Aaand… there we go. All over.” she said merrily as the blood covered infant was pulled out and delivered into the cool air that did not suit the child’s needs.

Caroline immediately gasped of relief, falling back onto my chest as I stared astounded at the crying infant in the midwife’s hands. “Dear Lord…”

“Is it a boy?” Caroline asked between breaths with little care for the pain she must have felt.

“Two arms and legs, ten toes and fingers, two ears, a nose and a set of proper twiddle-diddles, Milady. A handsome lad he’ll grow up to be.” the midwife replied proudly as she lifted the child up for us to see for ourselves.

“Won’t you look at that…” I was utterly, without-a-doubt, enthralled of the tiny boy we were presented. A right looker, the boy was. “You did it.” I said to my wife, who still shook against my chest tiredly.

“Ooh, no… something’s not right…” she moaned, alerting both I and the two other ladies in the room.

“Caroline? What is it?” I held her, brushing her hair away that had fallen during the birth. Caroline wailed in more pain, breathing in hurried gasps as she tensed even more as I held her in place. “Call for a doctor!”

“There isn’t enough time for that.” the midwife replied worried. She handed the child to Bell, who immediately lifted off the bed and walked with the child to the other end of the room, observing what was happening with a look of utter terror.

“Caroline, how do you feel?” I asked, not knowing what to do to relieve whatever she was going through. “What is happening.” I asked the midwife who knelt yet again between her legs, trying to see what was causing this sudden and scary issue.

“Dear God… She’s having multiples!” she exclaimed in utter shock, which stunned me silent. “Push, Milady.”

“I can’t…” Caroline cried as she leaned against my chest, too tired to continue with the pain of labor.

“Hold her legs up!” the midwife said to me urgently. I did as she told me, taking a hold of the back of her thighs and pulling her legs open and wide enough to help the child come through. “Keep pushing. This one is coming out in a hurry.” she said to my wife as she dealt with the baby that began to push out. “Keep going, keep going…” I could hear her say above the horrific cries that came from Caroline… until everything was silent. Only the sound of Caroline’s heavy breathing and crying of a baby could be heard in the room.

“Just breath, I’ve got you.” I whispered after the ordeal was over, wiping the sweat that had formed on her face and chest.

“Is-is… the baby…? …is the baby alive?” she whispered barely audible.

The midwife began to cry rivers of tears as she held the younger child that barely filled her hands. “Both are excellent, Milady. Two tiny little boys.” said the midwife, looking between us and Mrs. Bell, who soon returned back with the baby, re-introducing the first child to his twin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for any possible inconsistencies etc. about the process of labor. I've never been in labor nor have I ever seen anyone giving birth, so my knowledge is limited to only a few youtube videos and some easy reading. So please, don't chew my head off, okay? Thanks!


	29. Chapter 29

The rest of the early morning had passed without much fear or dramatics. The blessed Mrs. Bell had called for a doctor to examine the younglings as we waited enthralled by the new lives I and Caroline held in our arms and against our chests. The twins had managed to accustom to the new environment quite well, despite their slightly premature age. The doctor, who later on had arrived, assured Caroline that the two were perfectly healthy and that there was no need to worry. Of course, Caroline being herself, still felt overly cautious over the two, making sure that both babies kept showing signs of life after certain amounts of time had passed.

I could of course understand her trepidations, since we all knew the likelihood of infant death at such an age. But as I stared at the two, I was more than sure that the two would have no issues of growing up strong.

But despite my own beliefs, I still needed Caroline to be just as sure; to not give up hope for the two babies she had carried. ”Is everything alright?” I asked with a tired but fully content voice as I sat in the comfy chair I occupied from the side of the bedroom, holding one of the twins in my arms as he slept quietly wrapped in his warm blanket. Caroline didn’t even flinch as she sat against the headboard in our bed, staring deeply at the infant in her arms. “You’ve gone awfully quiet.”

Caroline brushed her son’s head delicately, needlessly fixing the blanket that he was securely wrapped in. “I’m just worried…” she mumbled with a deep sigh.

“What are you worried about?” I asked, standing up carefully and walking to her, sitting beside her against the headboard so I could gaze down on the younger child in her arms.

Caroline turned to as I sat down, the look of a mother’s fear for her child evident in her eyes. “They are still too young… too small.” said she in a whisper, tears slowly forming in her eyes. “What if they don’t last the day?”

“They’ll be fine.” I whispered with a smirk as I watched the baby in her arms twitch in his sleep, making strange and funny faces as he slumbered peacefully. “The doctor said there was nothing to be scared of.”

Caroline hummed a worried moan but did not say a thing. She looked away from the child she held and gazed upon the older of the twins. “Switch?” she asked and offered the baby she held to me, to which I agreed.

“Thomas?! Caroline?!” we both heard mother scream from the other side of the door like a hyena, accompanied by frantic steps. Mother barged into the room barely even put together after waking up. “It is true…” said she and ran to the bed where we sat, looking amazed and proud of the result I and Caroline had achieved. “Both are boys?” she asked for reassurance.

“Yes Mama, both are boys.” Caroline answered happily.

Mother could barely hold herself as she exuded pure joy, finding it increasingly difficult to even stay still at the presence of the littles. “This family is truly blessed. Two boys has the Lord seen fit to grant us. Now I can finally die peacefully.”

“Mother…” I sighed after hearing and seeing her dramatics.

“Have the girls woken up yet?” Caroline asked.

Mother barely even listened to what she said, too engrossed with admiring her new grandsons who she was livid about. “Yes yes.” she said as if a passing thing. “They are having breakfast, I believe. Which one is the older one?” Caroline lifted up the baby in her arms just slightly, catching Mother’s attention immediately who then swooped down to take the baby in her arms. “So this will be the future heir.” she mumbled under her breath and bounced the baby in her arms as she slowly walked around the room.

 

* * *

 

“Come to admire our manly work, have you?” said one of Jacob’s mates as the lot of them worked on top of the roof of our cottage, tirelessly hammering away under the searing sun. The rest of the young, currently shirtless and very sweaty men turned around as they worked, looking down as I stood there squinting up and very much enjoying the view. 

“It is quite a sight!” I yelled up at them, making them laugh. “It isn’t every day I get to see fit young men flexing their muscles on top of my roof.”

“Oi, Jacob, you better look after your woman there before she starts getting too friendly.” Jested the friend, making Jacob chuckle under his breath.

“Everything alright, love?” Jacob asked as he carefully walked next to the edge of the roof and squatted down.

“Everything’s fine. I reckoned that the lot of you wouldn’t mind taking a break. I brought you something to drink.” I replied, lifting a basket in my hand to demonstrate the goodies I had brought for the men. “Your mother is almost done baking a pie and said she would bring it here.”

All the men agreed to the brake and climbed down, following me to the little table area they had set up earlier to spend their breaks at. Jacob and his mates joked and talked merrily as I set up their refreshments, enjoying the beautiful summer day as they sat down to rest.

“You should be wearing a hat.” I whispered to Jacob as I sat next to him, brushing his sweat soaked hair from his forehead.

“It’s too hot to wear a hat.” he replied with a deep stare and a loving smirk as I kept playing with his hair.

“I don’t want you to get sunstroke.” I said while running my fingers through his hair, making him chuckle. In return, he kissed me on the lips while wearing his smile. “What was that for?”

“You look very pretty today.” he said, making me scoff as I brushed my forehead.

“I’m sweating like a pig… It’s too hot for me. I can barely move with the baby as it is and now it’s almost too uncomfortable to even move because of the weather.” I replied but shifted my attention to the rest of the table, handing over plates to the group and helping Rosie with her pie. Jacob didn’t continue our conversation any more than I did, but I had the strangest feeling that he watched me intently throughout the rest of our meal.

*

*

*

“The roof is beginning to look quite good.” I said, making Jacob turn around in surprise as he stood next to the well, hours after our little meal had taken place. The lads had stopped for the day and headed home, leaving the roof to be completed at another point in time.

“I hope so, it’s taking quite a bit of hard work.” he said, chuckling as he continued retrieving water and dampening his towel for his bathing behind the cottage.

“Do you think it’ll be ready by the end of tomorrow?”

“Not sure.” said he and began to remove his trousers as I sat down on a bench next to him. “If it continues being this hot, it could very well take us another day.” I nodded at what he said, though I was more focused on the visual spectacle he was providing me. “How are you feeling?” he asked, bringing me forth from my slight daydreaming as I watched him as he removed every bit of clothing and began to wash the day’s sweat off his body.

“Fine, just fine…” I replied with a slight shake of my head. “I’ve been staying indoors mostly. Helping your mother with her weaving and such...”

“That’s good. It isn’t safe for you to be out in the hot sun.” he replied. With his bar of soap in one hand and the washcloth in the other, he began his bathing, making sure to dampen every inch of his skin with the cool water. “You might want to move. I don’t want to get your dress wet.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Is that an invitation?” he asked with a playful tone and smirk, turning his head and looking over his shoulder as he kept washing himself.

I smiled at his playful act and decided to play along. I took ahold of one of the washcloths on the bench I sat on, dipping it in a barrel before lathering it with soap. “What is this I hear of a fair in Gloustershire?” I asked conversationally as I began washing his back, swiping the cloth up and down and between the defined muscles in his back that only seemed to accentuate with each movement he made as he washed his chest.

“Father wishes to go to Stroud. He’s been going there yearly to meet with friends who raise sheep.” he replied just as conversationally.

“And will you be accompanying him?”

Jacob answered, “I can’t let the old man go there alone. Lord only knows what would happen…” With a slight yawn he stretched his arms, making more room on his sides for me to wash. “But don’t worry, it will only be for a few days and mother will be here with you.”

I nodded to him silently, not really agreeing to his decision but deciding not to question or pester him about it any further. Of course I could understand his reasoning for the trip, but yet, I was rather, selfishly, worried of myself and how I would fare here without him. “There… all done.” I murmured, trying to sound as if nothing was any different than before.

Jacob turned around and grasped at his washcloth in both hands, making it just as taught as something else that had quite obviously risen awake. “Shall I return the favor?” he asked with a mischievous smirk and a raised eyebrow, clearly up to nothing good.

“Jacob…” I warned him, trying not to sound too excited as he kept advancing me.

“I clearly remember you not minding getting your dress wet…”

“No, don’t you dare, Jacob!” was all I managed to say before he lunged with the soaking wet washcloth, making sure that my dress was at least partly soaked with water. Sufficed to say I wasn’t all that pleased with the end result of my dress, however, I could not find the will to be angry at the man who held me in his arms, laughing like a little child having too much fun. “I hate you.” I said, turning my head just enough to look him in the eye.

Unfortunately, my statement was not as strong-willed as I had hoped, since Jacob began to kiss my neck and the side of my face in earnest. “But I love you.”


	30. Chapter 30

Few days had passed since Jacob left with his father to Stroud in this month of July. Elias was feverishly looking forward to his travel to see his friends and join in the merry festivities alongside his son, though I believe, Jacob may not have been as keen as his father. I, shamefully so, did not share Elias’ glee towards their travel as I found each new day more and more difficult to deal with by myself.  Thankfully Rosie was here to help me as I am sure I could not have managed alone now that I am without Jacob’s constant help.

But this evening would surely be a test. I watched as Rosie intricately fixed and fussed over her best gown and bonnet, preparing herself to the public dance that was organized by the women’s association. “Everything looks wonderful.” I said as she kept pulling and puffing her dress, meticulously trying to make her more presentable.

Rosie turned around after her fiddling and walked to me as I sat on my chair mere few feet away. “Oh won’t you come along?” she asked for the tenth time of the day, trying to convince me of joining her. She had tried convincing me to attend the dance, saying that if there ever was a time I could or should go, it would be now as the baby hasn’t been born yet. “I would hate to have to leave you alone for the whole evening.”

“Oh Rosie.” I sighed. “You have nothing to worry about. How about I walk you to the hall? Then I’ll just return back home as there is still so much to do.”

Rosie knew this to be true. Jacob and his friends had managed to complete the addition to our little cottage only a few days prior to his and his father’s departure for Gloustershire, but there was still plenty of organizing and cleaning to be done before it could be taken into use.

“I just fear that you will tire yourself. You are such a small girl…” she said as I took her arm and walked her outside were we made our way to the town hall.

“I will manage, Rosie.” I chuckled. “I am much stronger than what I look like.”

The town hall was filling to the brim with the good townspeople. Local shopkeepers, tailors, farmers and all had arrived and in their best attire. The elderly enjoyed merry conversation as the young people seemed cheery, dancing with wide smiles as the music played in the room.

Even a few of the men and women from higher social circles had arrived, but they did not seem to be joining in the dance. Instead, they all seemed to have huddled at the back, keeping them occupied by their own conversation.

I could not help but spot one such individual of a higher social class, talking expressively and with joy. Thomas, with his infinite height, towered above most of the other guests and attendees there, looking rather influential even among his own peer.

“I-I have to leave.” I stuttered to Rosie as I saw Thomas standing there conversing with others, surely trying to catch a moment with me if he were to spot me, which would of course form into yet another awkward and uncomfortable situation as usual.

“Lizzie won’t you please stay? I would feel much happier if I could keep an eye on you.” Rosie begged as I let go of her hand and pulled away, taking steps towards the door before I was to be seen.

“I don’t think so, Rosie.”

“But look at those forming dark clouds. Surely you will be caught in it?”

“I will manage, dear, don’t worry.” I replied and kissed her cheek, leaving the hall quietly and unseen.

 

* * *

 

“Oh heavens….” the elderly Mrs. Baker shuddered as yet another lightning bolt hit the ground amidst the heavy rainfall and making the windows shudder from the force. 

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Baker, a little rain and thunder won’t hurt you.” I said with a chuckle as I tried to comfort the shaking woman who looked outside of the window with clear worry on her face.

The woman turned to me as if petrified of something. “It isn’t me I’m afraid for, it is Elizabeth.” said she, managing to cease my merry enjoyment of the night due to sudden worry at the mention of Elizabeth.  “She left by foot, surely to catch a deadly cold if she doesn’t find shelter soon.”

“Elizabeth is out there? On foot?”

“Aye.” she replied with worry. I immediately fetched for my coat and hat, not losing a second more at the idle chit-chat when Elizabeth needed saving. “Where are you going, Sir Hiddleston?”

“To make sure she is safe. An expecting lady has no business walking in such weather.” I replied as I made my hasty goodbye, running outside into the pouring rain and onto the mud covered road out of town.

To my great fortune, it did not take more than ten minutes till I found the missing lady. Elizabeth waddled forwards desperately, trying to make her way home as fast as her heavy belly would allow on the slippery mud. But by the state she was in, it seemed to take quite a toll on her slight frame as she held her shawl desperately around her. Even from the slight distance between us, her shivers could be seen with one’s own eyes and in the dark.

“ELIZABETH!” I shouted to her through the heavy rain and thundering. It took four times to call her until she finally heard my voice and turned around, allowing me to catch up as I ran to her. “Elizabeth, what in God’s name are you doing out here? Can’t you see it’s raining?”

“Yes, I can see that it is raining, thank you.” she replied sarcastically under her soaked shawl. Her breath was all a-shiver and her lips trembled, but did not show any other signs of fatigue or coldness.

“Well is there anywhere we can go for shelter?” I asked her, hoping to get her and I both to somewhere warm and dry.

We both looked around but could not see much in the darkness of the night. Nothing seemed to be in the vicinity, but one place did spring into mind that was close. “The barn.” the two of us said in unison.

“Bloody English weather.” Elizabeth cursed as we made into the barn that had served the same purpose numerous times before. One could not call the barn warm nor was it lit, but at least it served as a shelter from the rain and thunder that had proved quite dangerous to walk in.

I watched as Elizabeth unwrapped her soaked shawl and hung it on one of the wallboards that stuck out, wasting no time in removing the water from her hair and skirt by twisting the fabric.

“Why did you leave when there was a storm coming?” I asked as I stared at her.

“Well I didn’t know it was going to arrive so suddenly and with such force, now did I?” she replied with a sour attitude.

“I see you haven’t changed a bit.”

“Don’t you start.” said she with a pointed finger and a warning.

I sighed, giving up on trying understanding her reasoning for leaving in such unstable weather. “Are you at least alright?”

Elizabeth mumbled as she walked towards some old quilts to dry herself from the rain. “I’m fine. I don’t need to be coddled.”

“I was being polite.” I replied as I headed for the fireplace, desperately trying to start a source of warmth and light until the weather would let up and allow us our freedom.

“Well don’t. I don’t need you to be polite.” she replied with a stiff lip as she wrapped the quilt around her and sat on a windowsill, looking outside into the darkness. I could not help but feel a tad bit offended by her unkind words and attitude.

“What is it with you?” I snarled at her. “Can we not even have a decent conversation without you talking to me in a degrading manner?”

Elizabeth finally turned her eyes towards me as I managed to start the fire. “I’m sorry.” she replied quietly but unmistakably. “It’s the baby. I find myself quite irritable lately.” I did not reply to her response, but I did nod. I wasn’t sure whether what she said was true or not, but I decided upon believing her. I was well experienced with the irritability of pregnant ladies, so I could understand her current behavior, though unjust it was towards my person.

Once the fire began to build up into a pleasing roar after many moments of silence, I stood up and undressed, taking off the layers of jackets and shirts that had thoroughly been soaked. “Please don’t.” Elizabeth sighed as she stared unamused.

“Don’t think yourself so highly. I am cold and not trying to seduce you.” I replied and went on with my undressing despite her slight protesting. “Perhaps you should lie down and give the child a rest.”

“I am perfectly comfortable here, thank you.” she grumbled but soon jumped off the windowsill after a large lightning bolt hit mere feet away from the barn. “OH GOD!” she cried out in surprise, immediately running to the other side of the barn where she could sit down in safety.

I could not help feel amused as she scurried along as if a tiny mouse in a hurry. “Are you afraid of lightning?”

“No, I am not.”

“Oh I beg to differ.” I said and picked up a few wood logs that lied near and threw them into the fire.

“Be quiet and finish making it warmer in here.”

“You know, you should be nicer to others.” I replied offended as I turned the logs in the fire.

“I am nice to others. You just don’t fall into the category of people I wish exchange pleasantries with.”

“And what category do I fall into then?”

“People I cannot allow into my life again.”

“I see. However, I believe you to think yourself a bit too highly, yet again.” I said matter-of-factly. “In fact, I do not care nor do I wish to be in your life any longer.”

Elizabeth turned to me once more but with increased interested. “Oh really?” she asked with a not so subtle hint for me to continue, raising her eyebrow with a questioning stare.

“Absolutely. I am perfectly content with how everything is at the moment. I have a beautiful wife whom I love, two little girls I adore and two strong little boys that will continue the family legacy.” I replied and continued playing with the fire, adding more wood little by little.

“And I suppose you haven’t given a single thought about me; the woman you have been pestering since I left your service?”

I rose up and brushed my hands from the excess dirt and ashes and confronted her where she sat on a working bench next to the wall. “I haven’t. Not for months now.”

“Really? You haven’t thought about me, about us? At all?”

“That is what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, yes it was.” she replied quite perplexed and unsure. “It’s just…”

“What?”

“I didn’t think you would actually leave me be.” she replied honestly.

“You are an odd, complicated woman, Elizabeth. I don’t think I’ll ever understand you.” I shrugged with a sigh, trying to understand how she manages to turn the situation around so that I can never please her. No matter what I would do, the outcome would always be in her favor and I could never do anything right by her.

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asked offended.

“You are sour.”

“What?!”

“You are sour that I no longer seek for your love and affection.”

“What? Preposterous!” she shouted, hands grasping at thin air.

Elizabeth stood up from where she sat and stared up towards me. As she stood there, I towered over her, purposefully smiling at her and smugly chuckling to myself as I found the situation truly ludicrous. “Yes you are. I have finally moved on and now you are sour that I no longer pursue you.”

“You are completely mental. Absolutely bonkers.” said she with all her might, standing not even an inch from me in defiance.

“Oh am I?” I huffed. “And to think I ever gave a damn about yo-“I barely managed to complete when she grabbed ahold of my head and dragged me down to her, kissing my lips with wild abandon as if it were her last action in the world. After a moment that felt as long as an hour, she let go, total surprise washing over her face at what she had just done. “What was that for?”

“I-I don’t know… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t hav-” she babbled but did not finish.

For some odd reason, I found myself totally uncontrollable. It was as if every single affectionate memory we shared over this past year had returned, and it was only the two of us left in the world. I took ahold of her in return as she stared scared, pushing her back against the workbench she just sat on, kissing her lips, her jaw and cheeks. It was as if life itself had just stopped and there was nothing left but her and I.

In some strange turn of events, I found myself soon lying in a large heap of hay, vigorously keeping up with the lady of my previous disdain in a manner most carnal. Elizabeth moaned and thrusted back towards me as she laid on her side in front of me, grasping at the straws around her in vein as she concentrated on finding her relief.

I could not lie and say that I did not find some kind of deep relief and satisfaction as I held her close. For all this time she was a distant memory, but now, I remembered. She was delectable; sweet, savory and pleasing to my appetite and for a moment I wondered: why hadn’t I tried hard enough to make her happy? For hours we laid together in agonizing bliss, not caring what the repercussions would be and to whom it would affect.

*

*

*

As we laid there on the giant piles of hay, I could not help but instinctively let my hand travel across the heaving belly that so hypnotized me. The size and shape of the space that held my child fascinated me for some odd reason. Perhaps it was the difference in to which the belly belonged to. I pressed my fingers firmly against the round globe and saw Elizabeth turn her head towards me, though, she said not a thing. “Has the baby kicked yet?”

“I’ve felt subtle taps.” she replied without any protests to my handling. I scooted down and placed my ear against her belly in hopes of hearing anything from the other side. I was sadly disappointed, but found it fascinating nonetheless that my child resided in there. “Thomas… Is it painful?” she asked and nodded down with a worried look.

“I am told that it is.” I answered her honestly as I looked up at her. For what I had witnessed over the years, childbirth was indeed the true test of a woman’s capabilities and strength. “Will there be someone to help you when the time comes?”

“My mother-in-law will be there.” she answered while looking blankly up at the ceiling. “And Jacob, of course.

“Do you wish for me to provide you with a midwife?”

“No.” said she. “No, I think it best if you were not involved or connected in any way.”

This thought was rather troubling. “You will allow me to see the baby, won’t you? At least once?” Even the mere suggestion or hint that I would not even be allowed to see my own child worried me frightfully. Surely she would not keep me from seeing the child in order to hide any connections between the two of us?

Elizabeth turned her head towards me but did not even flinch a muscle on that beautiful, but troubled, face. “I cannot promise you that.”

“Of course not…” I sighed, disappointed that she indeed had pondered the possibility I so feared of. For a moment, I thought that my heart had nearly broken into pieces hearing her answer. I scooted away and got up, immediately dressing on my clothes before I would break into a state not dignified for a gentleman.

“Thomas, the time we were apart…” I heard he say as I moved away. “Were you happy?”

“For most of it, I was.” I answered as I pulled on my trousers and shirt, not caring to look at her direction in fear of bursting into tears. “In the beginning I missed you.”

“Not anymore?”

“I got used to not having you around.”

For a long moment neither she nor I said anything. I heard her move behind me as I heard the hay rustling loudly with each move she made. Not long after, Elizabeth had managed to stand up by herself and gently brushed at my shoulder. “But what about now?”

“This…” I replied deeply, turning around to face her. “This shall not continue any further. I shall return to Kensington Lisle and you will return to being the dutiful housewife to your husband.”

“And that’s that?”

“That is that.”

There was clear darkness and anger that crept onto her face immediately. She did not act upon the darkness that had taken over, but certainly I had witnessed a change in her. “Why did you run after me if you did not wish to see me again?” she asked confused and slightly irritated.

“You still carry my child. I felt a need to be responsible for you and the baby. I wanted to know you were safe.”

“So there is nothing you want of me?” she asked with her hands on her hips, looking ever so confused. “After what just happened?”

“No. I want nothing. Nothing at all.” I answered plainly and dressed on my jacket that was still damp. The air had cleared up and no longer did the rain and thunder pour down on us, which allowed me the chance to leave her presence with a peaceful mind knowing she was safe from the elements.

Elizabeth just stood there quietly, draped only in a slight underdress that barely even fit her. She seemed sad, but interestingly enough, she did not protest my leaving any further. “Elizabeth, is there something you still wish to tell me?” I asked her, giving her the chance to clear her mind before I would leave her be for the seeable future.

“No, I have nothing more to say.”

“I will leave and I will not turn back. Now are you sure?” I asked her once more. Elizabeth only looked down towards her feet and shook her head. “Fine! I hope you have a better future than the past you had with me.”

“Thomas!” she screamed as I opened the door to leave. I halted my steps and turned my head to her. Her eyes had begun to tear and now ran down her cheeks in earnest. “I love you.”

 

* * *

 

“What?” he asked astounded. His eyes widened in surprise and he could barely keep his hand on the doorknob of the door he was about to walk through. 

“I-I-I love you.” I repeated myself. I knew it was wrong of me to reveal what I felt towards him after all this time. I love my husband, of course, but it was a different kind of love I felt for Thomas. It was something more deep. It was something more powerful, in every sense of the word.

Thomas was complicated and infuriatingly stubborn with his pursuits, but he was always honest. And despite his infidelities to his wife, he never, not once, treated me as if I was worthless, which, I’m ashamed to say, is exactly what I had done to him over the course of our torrid affair.

Thomas stood still in front of the doorway, but had by this point dropped his gaze down onto his feet. His breath had accelerated as his chest rose more dramatically than before, but I could not tell whether or not he was angry, happy or sad.

“You are the devil.” he said plainly before he turned back to me. “How dare you say such a thing after all this time?”

“I’m sorry. I am… confused.” I replied, hoping and praying that he would show me mercy and try to understand how I feel.

“That isn’t good enough.” he replied with a stiff lip. “I fell in love with you and you have treated me with only disdain and hate.”

“I know.” I agreed, understanding my own mistakes and the way I treated him in the past. “You are completely right. I have wronged you. Horribly so.”

“I cannot love you. Not anymore.”

I was heartbroken. Never did I imagine that the tables would have turned thusly. I never imagined that he would have such feelings towards me. Not after all these many month of him confessing his love and need for me.

“Then why did you lay with me just now? Why do you care so much about me and my child if you did not love me anymore?”

Thomas looked away for a moment and breathed in deeply, sorrowfully returning back to me a moment later with his answer. “You are mistaken, Elizabeth. I said I _cannot_ love you. That doesn’t mean that my love for you or the child you carry has ceased to exist. I care for you deeply, but we both have changed too much for this to continue.”

I slowly nodded, understanding what he had said. His obligations to his family had always been his first priority, I knew this of course. It was foolish of me to think he would have made me the exception. But now, barely a year older and much wiser, I understood the complexity of both his life and what my life had turned into.

But before I could say anything in return, Thomas had turned away from me and was about to leave the barn once again. “When the baby is born, I would very much like to meet him. Even if it’s only for a short moment. I will not bother you or your husband any further.” said he and left.


	31. Chapter 31

_My dearest Thomas,_

_It was the fifth of this month or thereabouts since I last sent you my letter of greetings. I had hoped that the letter would have given you joy and knowledge that the baby and I were faring well. To my slight disappointment of not receiving any replies, I have deduced that your silence is a sign that you do not wish to communicate with me and thus, do not wish to know of my further progress with the baby._

_However, I am inclined to mention that my mother-in-law suspects the baby will arrive within days. I cannot say I do not dread it as I have been told horrific stories and advice from other, more experienced mothers. My dear husband has been most kind towards my delicate state and has made sure that both I and the baby, once he chooses to arrive, will be comfortable and well taken care of._

_As you may know, I and my family do not have many luxuries here on the farm, and with the constant change of the weather, and the consequences the elements have had on the crops during these past few years, my husband and his father have proposed moving westward. As I may have mentioned previously, my husband took a trip to Stroud last month to accompany his father who visited friends there. As it so happened, my husband was offered a position in a partnership there with a friend of the family. While he has yet to make his final decision about taking on the position that would surely make us more comfortable in a bigger, promising city, it does seem quite likely of him accepting the position in the near future. This would of course require us to move there and leave Oxfordshire behind us._

_My dearest Thomas, I do not ask anything from you but your forgiveness for how I have treated you. While I do find the possible move to Stroud new and exciting, I do fear it terribly. My only wish is to end this bitter bond that lies between us before we part indefinitely. I hope you can forgive me for my actions and treatment of you and I beg for you to write to me one last time._

_Sincerely,_

_Your Lizzie_

 

I threw the letter onto the rest of the morning’s post that had just arrived. I was rather angered and somber that she would agree to such a change, especially as she did not have any knowledge of the workings of city life.

As I read and re-read her current letter, I found her observation of my lack of correspondence accurate. I purposefully did not wish to contact her as she had expected me to, as I feared that if I had, she would have perceived it in a way I may not have intended it to. I have no intentions of continuing the damming relationship with Elizabeth, even though the saddening information she had provided reacquainted me with the lost but deep feelings I have for her.

Her request to be forgiven is admirable, I must admit, I cannot succumb to this request and grant it to her. She had indeed made me miserable with her antics and irregular behavior, which did make me suspect on more than one occasion of some kind of irregularity in her mind. But whatever her reasoning for her behavior was, I was nonetheless pleased to see that she finally understood what she had done and how she had acted against me.

“Sir?” I heard Harrison’s deep voice call me alongside two knocks before he entered into my study, pulling me away from my deep thoughts.

“Yes, Harrison?”

“Her Ladyship is ready and waiting for you in the lobby.” he replied, referencing to the outing we were to make with the children now that the summer sun had shown itself after days of unstable weather.

“Yes, of course.” I replied and hastily tucked the letter back into its envelope, stuffing it into my desk drawer to keep it safe and hidden from any prying eyes. “And the children?”

“Dressed and waiting with her Ladyship.” said the butler.

“Excellent.” I replied and left the study, making my way downstairs only to be met with two excited little girls and Caroline waiting with the nanny.

“Hello all.” I greeted them and received a chipper response from the girls who both hugged me amorously on the legs. “And how are the boys?”

“Fully content.” the nanny said happily as she looked down into the pram that held both boys. And indeed both of them looked happy and content, although Henry seemed to be dozing off rather rapidly.

“Look at them.” I awed as they lied there without so much of a sound from either one. Nicholas’s eyes widened as he recognized me as his papa, and I could not help but smile at the wonder I had a part in creating.

“Are we ready?” Caroline asked with a smile of her own.

“Absolutely. Let’s go.” 

* * *

 

“Ooh.” I moaned at the pain in my lower back and stomach that was excruciating. It was as if the baby kept squeezing everything inside me into a tight knot without any hope of relief, which had gone on for an alarming amount of time already.

“Has it subsided at all?” Rosie asked and walked to the bed I currently sat on, trying to breathe in deep as I tried to stand the pain.

The whole morning had been one of pure discomfort that had only change to the worse as the day went on. “No. I think it’s only turned to the worse.” I replied as I huffed. “Has Jacob returned yet?”

Rosie shook her head and fetched me water and a clean cloth, trying to calm me down the best she could. “He is still working at the fields.” said she.

“Can’t you get him?” I begged as I held onto her hand and a pillow that laid next to me as yet another horrible tightening sensation took ahold.

“I cannot leave you alone.”

“Am I… to do this… without him then?” I asked between held breaths.

“My dear child, don’t worry. Birthing has a bad habit of lasting for hours. He will be here.”

*

*

*

“WHY ISN’T IT COMING OUT?! I scream aloud, both terrified and in horrible pain as nearly twelve hours had passed since the early cramping had begun.

“The baby will come when he is ready to come.” Jacob mumbled as he laid next to me in our bed, trying to comfort me as we both tried to rest over the long night. “You just need to wait patiently.”

“NO! THE BABY WILL COME WHEN I SAY IT WILL.” I screamed at him. It may not have been the right thing to do or to say to him, but by the heavens, it felt ever so good.

“Love, I understand you are under duress, but you need to try and calm down. Please try to sleep.”

“DURESS?” I shouted at him aghast. “I AM DYING, YOU BASTARD! I AM IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN YOU CANNOT BLOODY IMAGINE!”

“Well that is what you get for getting knapped by an adulterer!” he shouted back to me which utterly caught me off guard.

It took me a small, short moment to even understand what he had dared to say to me, but once I did, I did not wish to have anything to do with the man besides me. “Get out.” I whispered devastated.

“Lizzie, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It was utterly inexcusab–“

“I said get out.” I repeated myself, trying hard to keep my tears to myself.

“Lizzie, no. That was heartless of me and-“

“I SAID GET OUT! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!” I screamed bloody murder as I could not hold back any longer.

Jacob got up from the bed and hastily ran to the door as I began to throw anything my hands could reach. First a pillow, then my mug on the table… all these ended up bouncing off the door and walls as I attempted to hit him in my furious rage.

* * *

 

“Young man, do you know what time it is?” an elderly lady I had met once or twice before opened the door. Here I stood in the middle of the night, at the back door of Kensington Lisle, desperately looking for a helping hand. “Who are you and what do you want?”

“My humblest apologies, madam. My name is Jacob Baker, Elizabeth’s husband. We’ve met before, I believe.” I greeted her in the darkness. The lady looked me up and down with her tired but careful eye, no doubt trying to see whether or not my intentions were true or if I was just a troublemaking burglar. I had hoped that she would recognize me, but I suppose our last meeting had been rather quick and hasty. “I came to ask if it were possible for me to borrow Miss Anna for a day or two.”

“Absolutely not.” the lady replied immediately and tried to slam the windowed door closed in front of my face. Fortunately I managed to stop the door by my foot, begging her to listen to my request.

“Please madam. Elizabeth is birthing our child, but she needs more support than what we are able to give her.” I explained to the woman most sincerely. “I am so afraid for her safety and I believe if we had one extra pair of helpful, friendly hands, we can help her through this without losing either her or the baby.”

The lady stared at me, contemplating deeply whether to go through with my request. “How long has she been in labor?” she asked with a slight look of worry.

“Way too long for her own safety.” I replied.

The lady nodded, looking back to see the time on the wall. “Very well.” she conceded. “Wait here and I shall get her.”

“Thank you, madam. God bless you.”

*

*

*

“How is she?” I asked mother as I returned back home with Anna in tow in the wee hours of the morning. Mother looked tired and very strained with very little sleep in her eyes. Father was there too, looking straight at the wall opposite of him as he sat on a chair just outside of Lizzie’s and my bedroom, barely even awake after the long wait.

“She’s waiting.” she said and shook her head. “That is one stubborn baby we are expecting.”

“Perhaps we should go and see her?” Anna suggested. I agreed to her proposal and suggested to mother and father that they should try to catch some sleep after their long day.

“Lizzie, my love, are you awake?” I whispered as we opened the door.

Elizabeth laid in the bed with her arm covering her face. She was clearly still awake, but her lack of movement indicated she was in deep pain and horribly tired. “I thought I told you to get out?” she groaned out but did not look at me.

“You did, but I brought you a friend to keep you company.” I replied to which she did respond to.

Seeing her friend for the longest time made her cry. If she hadn’t been bedbound by the pain, surely she would have immediately jumped out and greeted her dearest friend. “Anna? What are you doing here?” she asked with fresh tears of happiness falling down her cheeks.

“I’ve come to see you of course, you silly goose.” Anna laughed somberly. “I heard you were having difficulties with the baby?”

Lizzie nodded hastily, trying to hold the tears back as she tried to rise up onto the back of her forearms. “It’s a persistent little bastard, this baby.”

“That sounds strangely familiar.” she replied tongue-in-cheek. “Now come on, mummy. Let’s try to get this baby out.”

*

*

*

“I’m going to die!” Lizzie moaned horribly, making the hair on my arms stand up at attention by the sheer horror I felt as I looked at her in such pain.

“No you aren’t.” Anna calmed her and kept rubbing Lizzie’s inner thigh to calm her down. “Just keep pushing.”

“Bloody hell.”

I, Lizzie, Anna and mother all turned our heads to look at my father who stood in front of the door, stunned at what he was seeing. The old man, bless his soul, I imagined had never seen such a sight, though a father he was.

“Will you shut it and make yourself useful, you old bum. Go get more water!” mother screamed at her, nearly matching Lizzie’s loudness. Father immediately got startled by mother yelling at him and made his way to the other room in a hurry.

“Don’t worry about him.” I chuckled to Lizzie, holding her hand tightly as she returned to her huffing after the slight pause that had made the rest of us quiet. “Just keep on going, you’re almost done.”

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BIRTHING?!” she screamed with frustration.

“Well actually, I have delivered most of the young calves on the farm.”

Lizzie turned her red-faced, furious and angry head to me, clearly enraged with my well-intended comment. “ARE YOU CALLING ME A HEIFER?!”

“What? No!” I replied shocked. In no way had I intended of calling her a cow. “Sorry…”

Both mother and Anna stared at the two of us in complete silence, not daring to join in on the conversation that I had somehow managed to form.

“Now calm down. The head is almost out.” Anna said as she held Lizzie’s thighs open and wide, paying extra mind to the baby who was making his or her way into the world. “Just a little more.” she encouraged, turning the baby around as it inched out slowly.  “Oh my goodness gracious.” Anna chuckled as the baby was finally pushed out.

The room echoed with slight cries of the new infant, laying rest to any fears I had of the baby not making it out alive.

“Oh my heavens!” mother said with wide eyes as she stared down to Anna’s hands that held the baby.

“What?! What is it? What happened?” Lizzie cried out with fear and worry for her child. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, love, you did everything perfectly.” I calmed her, laying kisses on her sweaty brow as I held her close to my chest.

“Lookie here, mummy.” Anna said and showed her the baby, rising up to her feet and handing it over to the new mother I now had the privilege of calling her.

“Oh my God.” Lizzie cried as she took ahold of her baby and held her close to her chest, holding on tightly as if she never wanted to let her go.

“No wonder it took her a long time. She’s a big one.” Mother said as she stared down to look at her granddaughter. The lot of us chuckled at the truth; she was indeed a big one.

 

* * *

 

“Good morning, Sir.” Anna greeted me and then her Ladyship as she entered the nursery with fresh linens, ready to change the cribs we had finally managed to receive after our unexpectedly early delivery of the two boys. “May I change the linens, Sir?”

“Good morning, Anna. Of course you may. Don’t let our presence here stop you.” I replied to her in my happy demeanor as I held Nicholas in my arms, bouncing the happy baby that seemed to enjoy the motion. “Yes, Anna has come to change your sheets. Yes she has…” I cooed to him, making him smile.

I could not help but let my eyes drift onto Anna as she did her task in the room. Her eyes were a bit sunken in and she seemed agitated, which definitely was not usual with her. “Is everything alright, Anna?” I whispered to her, trying not to catch Caroline’s attention as she held and played with Henry.

“Yes!” she replied startled. “Yes, everything is fine.”

“You just seem very tired.” I resumed my questioning, noting how even though she said otherwise, she did not look fine nor well. “Is everything as it should be below stairs? I would very much like to know if there is something wrong within my household.”

“Your household is in excellent shape, Sir, and is run perfectly by Mr. Harrison and Mrs. Bell.” she replied precisely. But she did slightly waver under my scrutiny, which she did notice herself. I raised an eyebrow at her, silently asking if it were indeed as she had said. “It’s just… Well, I was called in the middle of the night.” she finally confessed.

“By whom?”

“Mr. Baker.” said she, which surprised me.

“Mr. Baker?”

“Yes, Sir.” she confirmed. “Elizabeth had her baby last night.”

“I see.” I replied absolutely astounded knowing that our baby had already made its way here, just as Mrs. Baker had predicted. “And did it end successfully?”

“She did have some difficulties with the birth, but everything worked out fine.”

I nodded, making myself a mental note that I must find a moment to visit both mother and child when convenient. “Thank you, Anna.”

 

* * *

 

The cottage of the Baker’s wasn’t much to enthuse about as I stood there in their yard. I suppose it was a homely little building which provided warmth, but I would have nevertheless hoped that a child of mine would have been luckier to be housed in something more comfy. 

Sighing and catching my breath, I prepared to meet with both Elizabeth and her husband. He and I had not been in the best of terms; that had been quite obviously determined by previous encounters. Despite this, my only wish was to be allowed the slight blessing of seeing my child, and I was more than willing to play by any rules Mr. Baker might have set for me.

“Good day.” I greeted with a tip of my hat at the dreaded Mr. Baker as he opened the door.

“Good day.”  he replied as he saw me standing in front of him. He was indeed an intimidating man now that I tried my hardest not to begin any conflict with him. In fact, if he were to wish so, I believe he would indeed be able to match me in a fistfight if it ever got down to such a moment. “What do you want?”

“I heard that Elizabeth had the baby a few days ago?” I replied, hinting that I would indeed wish to meet them both.

“She did.” he confirmed but did not move edgewise on the matter.

“May I see them both?” I asked, leaving all unnecessary hinting at bay since he did not wish to communicate in other ways than upfront.

“You may not.” he replied and turned around, managing to close the door just so that my own strong arm held the door from closing.

“Jacob, wait!” I begged for him to listen. “Please. Please allow me just this one time. Please allow me to see my child.”

“No. I do not trust you enough to allow you such a privilege.” he snarled, trying to shut the door.

“I swear I will never seek your family again if you just allow me this one time.”

For a slight moment, he had no reason to continue listening to what I had to say, until a voice carried out from inside that made him stop his pushing. “Jacob, who is it?”

“Please…” I begged, hoping that he would not act so heartlessly.

Jacob sighed defeated, showing mercy towards me though he was not obligated to. “Very well.”

Jacob walked me through the darkly lit cottage and I entered into a small room where Elizabeth laid with a bundle on her chest. “Thomas? What are you doing here?”

With my hat in my hand I walked slowly towards her, bowing slightly to greet her after the many weeks we had been apart. “I came to see the baby.”

“But how did you-“ she mumbled under her breath, soon understanding who it was that could have possibly known about the new baby. “Oh… Anna.”

I was instantly captivated by the sleeping baby in her arms.  “May I?”

Elizabeth hesitated for a moment but soon nodded silently, carefully handing over the child. “Watch her head.”

“It’s a she?” I asked, not being able to instantly recognize the child in her colorless wrappings. “She is beautiful.” I mumbled, not able to keep the excitement inside. She reminded me of her mother so much. Her nose was tiny but cute, her hair was long and dark… but her ears were mine; small and round. “May I speak to you privately?” I asked as I felt the presence of Jacob linger in the room, making it slightly uncomfortable for me to try and talk to the mother of my child.

“You may not.” Jacob instantly spoke up, catching Elizabeth’s attention immediately.

“Jacob, please. Let us speak for just a short moment alone.” she requested. Jacob did not seem too happy of what she asked, but he nevertheless chose to do as she said and left, shutting the door to give us some time alone.

“Has he made a decision yet? About Stroud, I mean.” I asked, trying to manage a conversation with Elizabeth while I couldn’t stand to move my eyes off the little girl in my arms.

“He has decided that we shall wait until after the year has changed.” she replied. “We will finish working the fields this season and find a buyer for the lands.”

“I see. And what happens after that?”

Elizabeth sighed in thought, brushing and patting the bedding she currently laid under. “We shall pack and move. I am told that Stroud isn’t such a bad place to live, not like London.”

“Stroud is a nice place, I agree.” I replied, giving my own thoughts on the town. “And will you be making any trips back to Oxfordshire?”

“No.” she said plainly and to the point, which clearly stated that we would not be seeing each other here for the seeable future. “No, we shall remain there. Start a new life…” Elizabeth leaned over to look at the state of her baby, stretching the fabric the baby was wrapped in just a bit to see her tiny face hidden behind. “How is she?”

“Still sleeping like an angel.” I replied absolutely in love with the little girl I felt such a deep attachment to. I did not wish for her to be taken away from  me, but as the hard truth of the universe had so dictated, there was no way for her to stay here, which would mean my time with her, if allowed, would only last for a second in her long life to come. “Thank you, Elizabeth.”

“For what?” she asked with a look of confusion.

I turned to look at her, barely holding the slight tears I could feel forming from a dark and sad place. “For allowing me to see her.”

Elizabeth nodded and placed her hand on my arm, soothing me as I turned back to gazing at my daughter. “You’re welcome.”


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I've been dealing with some personal issues so haven't really had time to write.  
> This chapter is bit of a filler chapter, so not much in terms of plotline.

God, they are beautiful… Even after these few months, it never ceases to amaze me how exciting new life can be; watching the two develop as they grow older. Henry, though he is the younger of the two, far surpassed his older brother in the physical sense. I watched an entire afternoon completely amazed of him turning around and practicing his sitting up, wondering how far along it would be until he took his first steps.

And even though Nicholas may be the smaller of the two, I dare to say that he is much more in-tune with the world around him; having a keen sense of the people most close to him. It was fascinating to watch as one spent time with him. Even the slightest of noise would catch his attention, and he would indeed spend an eternity watching the source of said noise as if a lion staring at his prey.

But even this would not deter my mind from the fact that I would not gain the same experience with the little girl Elizabeth had given birth to a mere month. The pain of not knowing how the youngling was, what she was like or even what she now looked like had indeed decreased over time, but yet, the curiosity still remained there to this day as I would assume it to remain for the rest of my life.

I found myself often wondering what she would look like when she would come of age. I dread the possibility of her being the spitting image of her mother. Her beauty would truly be one of extraordinary proportions and would only cause her unjust pain; the same pain I had caused her mother as she bewitched me with her own beauty.

Though physical beauty is fading, as they say, Elizabeth did of course possess the gift of kindness and used it often, when she wished to, that is. This is something I always did admire of her, though she did have her moments of true cruelty.

But I suppose both cruelty and kindness may walk hand in hand down this odd path of life. I had witnessed my fair share of both before. Caroline, who smiles happily by my side even now, has shown the extreme of both these sides. One would not easily believe whilst looking at her, that she is capable of destroying a life so easily, yet somehow, not only had she wronged me, she had proved herself worthy of trust once again, showing that she truly can be a source of kindness.

“What is it?” she asked with a chuckle and a spark in her eye as I stared deeply at her, too lost in my own thoughts to even realize that I had been staring at her for all this time. “You keep staring at me.”

I shook my head instinctively, trying to focus on the present in which I sat around the table with her and mother, who showed no interest in our little moment. “Nothing…” I replied and subtly laughed my odd behavior away as if it truly were nothing. “Still dreaming, I suppose.”

Caroline shook her head with an amused chuckle and returned to her letters, drinking her coffee and eating the breakfast we currently shared.

“Oh how dreadful.” Mother commented as she read something in the paper, making her presence known after many minutes of complete silence.

“What news?”

“It would seem that the flu pandemic in Russia has not yet subsided.”

“Oh dear. What does it say?” Caroline asked mortified with worry.

“The disease has been on a rapid incline. More than fifty thousand have been reported sick and it has spread to the other surrounding countries in Europe and the north.” she mumbled, taking a closer look on the page she held in her hands. “Paris, Berlin, Vienna, Stockholm… all have reported citizens sick.

“Those poor souls… Isn’t that awful, Thomas?”

“Thankfully those kinds of diseases do not exist in civilized societies.” Mother shrugged as she turned the page, continuing on as if it were something to ignore.

“Mama!” Caroline objected heartily.

“I’m afraid that illness such as this travels fast through trade, mother. If it truly is as bad as the Times say, then it is only a matter of time until it arrives here.”

“Nonsense!” she exclaimed without a hint of remorse about her own views on such matters.

“However, I am sure it will only affect the bigger cities with plenty of population, like London, and not the country side. We have nothing to worry about if we just keep ourselves healthy.”

Caroline shifted in her seat awkwardly, quite brashly hinting of her distaste for such a thought of illness arriving here. “Perhaps we should change the subject onto happier topics?” she proposed, quickly trying to lift the slightly morbid air around us. “Thomas, what say you if we were to have another Christmas Ball? Help the family to forget all this nasty business...”

“It is still well over a month till Christmas, Caroline!” I Insisted, positively surprised that she wished to host such a thing so soon after giving birth. “And you had a ball just last Yule.”

“Indeed I did, but now that the boys are here, perhaps we should invite the whole family for a celebration? My parents would surely love to finally meet their grandsons.” she reprised eagerly with new found excitement. “And what about your Aunt Georgia and Cousin Albert? Surely they would rather spend time with family than to feel the loss of your uncle over the holidays?”

While I was not particularly keen on having yet another ball so soon, especially as the boys were still so young, I found myself agreeing to her reasoning. Indeed Caroline’s family had yet to meet the twins, which was something Caroline had been reminding me of. But also the mention of my aunt and cousin spending a lonely Christmas together did not warm my heart either. What could I have done but to agree?

 

* * *

 

“Hello, love. How are you?” I greeted my beautiful wife as I returned from yet another day from the fields. There she sat around the kitchen table, holding onto our little ‘Bun’, as we referred to her. 

Elizabeth turned around and looked over her shoulder with a look of worry and slight panic. Nevertheless she continued bouncing the distressed baby. “Tired but well, thank you.” she answered, but I knew better. There was an air of tension, yet she made no move to reveal her issues to me by her own accord. “And you?”

“Well in need for some sleep myself.” I replied as I made my way further in, placing the cap on my head on a shelf whilst taking off the jacket now required by the lack of warmth outside. Happy to see my little girl, I walked to where Lizzie sat bouncing the baby and placed a loving kiss on her angry but soft forehead. “And you? How are you, my little princess?”

“She cries. Constantly.” Lizzie answered with such gentle sorrow that could wound any man to his knees in desperation.

“Why are you so grumpy?” I whispered to the baby, but she only carried on her crying. In the darkness of the moment, I could not be sure which one of the two seemed more upset; the child or the mother. What’s wrong?”

“I just… I don’t know what to do or how to make her stop.” Lizzie exclaimed with such frustration one could barely tolerate. “I’m a horrible mother…”

“No, love, you aren’t a horrible mother.” I immediately insisted, knowing full well of her capabilities as a mother. “It’s always difficult in the beginning, but everything will turn out just fine. It will get easier, I promise.”

Lizzie shook her head and kept crying, as if thinking my words were not to be believed. But I knew in my heart and soul it would get better and that she would have no issues being the perfect mother. “I am just too weary to care for her as she cries. I hurt and I cannot seem to make her happy nor content.”

“Where are you hurting, love?” I asked hurriedly, surprised by her sudden reveal she had confided in me. Lizzie did not say a thing but grimaced, slowly raising her hand to cup her breast she used to feed our baby. “Oh. I’m so sorry, love.” I replied as yet more tears fell down of all the pain she must have felt in such delicate places. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Lizzie did not reply but shook her head in decline, relaxing onto the rocking chair she sat in, trying hard to calm the infant that unknowingly caused her such pain.

 

* * *

  

“Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Baker, fancy seeing you venture all the way out here.” We were suddenly greeted as we walked past the post on this beautiful and sunny day, in which we enjoyed the many booths and boxes of the ongoing market. Lady Hiddleston seemed happy as ever today, accompanied by the new nanny who held tightly onto one of the two prams that I suspect held the Lord and Lady’s heirs. 

“Good day, Lady Hiddleston.” Jacob greeted her with a nod of his cap, smiling courteously.

“Madame.”

The Lady nodded her greeting and stared with an amused grin, paying extra amount of attention to the baby I tightly carried in my arms. “I see the whispers and rumors of the household staff were true. You’ve had yourself a little bundle as well?”

“Indeed we have, Madame, and we are ecstatically happy.” said Jacob proudly, making no objection of holding me tightly in front of the Lady.

“I’m sure.” said the lady and turned to her children who lay quietly in what seemed quite comfortable and expensive prams. “As you can see, I and Lord Hiddleston share the same excitement.”

“Yes I heard. You are very blessed to not only have been given twins, but male ones at that.”

“Oh yes.” she agreed proudly and unabashedly. “I remember the good Lord with a prayer each night for blessing us in such a way.”

Unbeknownst to us, Lady Hiddleston and the nanny were not the only ones from Kensington Lisle this afternoon. Lord Hiddleston briskly walked from inside the post with his youngest daughter by his side. For a moment, it was as if time itself had stopped. Once he recognized us, his legs halted their steps, leaving plenty of distance between us as he stared deeply into my eyes. It was not until Ivy recognized her old nanny and ran to give me a hug, that he greeted us courteously. “Good day.”

“Good day, Sir.” I replied with a slight curtsy and Jacob nodded.

“Where have you been?” asked Ivy who clung onto my skirt desperately. Her tiny hands I had learned to know and recognize held on tightly, bringing both warmth and sorrow into my heart for leaving hers to hurt when I left.

“Well hello to you too.” I said with a glad heart, truly happy to see her again after all this time. “Remember how we would play house?” Ivy nodded, remembering the plenty of afternoons we would play together when her older sister was being tutored, which left Ivy alone for most of the day. “Well, now I have a house of my own. Just like the dolls we played with.”

Ivy stared at the baby I carried with a keen eye, almost as if judging the small child. “Is that your real baby?”

“It is.” I replied with a laugh, bending down to let her take a look of her face.

“Is it a girl?” she asked as she gently touched the baby’s forehead and hair with her finger.

“Yes she is.”

There was slight muttering I could hear coming from the Lady and the nanny as they stared down at her daughter. I noted that the Lady seemed somewhat agitated by the attention Ivy gave to the baby, as if not wishing for her to touch her. I dared not say that perhaps the lady found it to be beneath her child to touch one of “our kind” in such a way, but granted, she did put effort in not saying a thing. If only she knew of the shared bloodline between the two girls.

“We must be off now. Come along, my darling.” The lady finally said after a short moment, her hands grasping tightly at one of the pram handles. If the handle on the pram had been any thinner, one could have believed it to break with the strain the lady put onto it.

“But can’t we stay just a bit longer?” Ivy whined desperately, not quite ready to leave just yet. Thomas looked at his wife pleadingly, but did not say a thing. I could clearly see an air of sadness as he turned to me and his Ivy. I suspect that he too found it sad that the blood the two girls shared would never turn into a sisterly bond.

“Do as I say, please.” said Caroline and began to walk towards Kensington Lisle with the nanny. Unwillingly, Ivy tightly hugged me goodbye and rant to her mother, walking alongside her dutifully as was expected of her. “Thomas? Are you coming?”

“Go ahead; I’ll catch up in just a moment.” Thomas said over his shoulder before returning to face us. “Is everything… well?”

“Everything is fine enough.” I replied simply, wishing not to cause any kind of moment between us on this crowded street.

“Is there anything I can do? Do you need money? Food?”

“We need nothing, thank you.” I replied, declining his generous offer. Thomas nodded. I could sense a slight look of hurt in his face as I declined his offer. Why he would feel as such, I don’t know, but it was nevertheless quite an odd and plain, once would say, emotion he did not hide from us. He quickly turned to Jacob, pleasantly trying to converse with him out of courtesy, which I did find admirable considering the previous tiffs they had had between them. “And the farm? Have you had a pleasing turnout, Sir?”

“It has been a pleasant season, one which will surely aid us once we sell our lands.” Jacob replied utterly pleased and politely. I was rather surprised by how much the two had managed to converse thusly without a fight breaking between the two.

“Yes, I had heard such rumors. I presume that you are making plans to leave our beautiful Oxfordshire soon.”

“Very soon. We are expecting plenty of visitors who have expressed their interest in the lands.” replied Jacob enthusiastically.

“I see. Are they perchance local?” Thomas asked curiously. “Such an amount of land is quite sizable and does have value and importance in these parts.”

“There are a few locals who are very much interested in the lands, yes.” Jacob answered, thinking over the rest of the people we had met and discussed with. “Of course, there are other people from the London, Birmingham and Bristol areas, who have shared their interest about the farm as well.”

“I see…” he replied deeply in his own thoughts.

The air turned suddenly quiet, awkwardly so, one could even say. I was pleased to find that neither Thomas nor Jacob found reason to argue or fight, which of course made it more civil and easy to stumble upon old acquaintances. But I could see a certain sorrow in Thomas’ eyes as we stood there. His curious gaze would drop down every so often and land onto our Bun, yet he made no attempts to move any closer nor did he ask about the child whatsoever. In fact, one could have even said that it was as if he didn’t even notice it, lest we ignore the gaze that would momentarily drop down out of curiosity.

After a rather long moment of silence and uncomfortable shifting, both I and Jacob looked at each other, silently communicating that we should perhaps leave the presence of Thomas and continue on with our day, since he made no such attempt to join his own family. “I think it perhaps time for us to leave, before she wakes up hungry.” I proposed to Jacob, to which he agreed, nodding his goodbye and good day to Thomas as he placed his hand on my back and guided us away back home.

 

*

*

* 

For hours now, I had waited for word on the dealings between Jacob, Elias and the men that had traveled from London for the weekend. Time was a-running and we no longer had much time to waste before the move to Stroud would arrive. The visitors from Birmingham had been more than courteous and keen on the lands, however, Elias did not seem as thrilled to sell than Jacob, causing a slight tension between the members of this family.

Elias’ feelings were of course justified, being as he had been born and raised here. But even he and Rosie knew that they would no longer be able to keep the lands in such shape as they had been for years; not while the expansions of industrialization had taken affect in neighboring cities and counties.

Jacob was of course a driving force in leaving. Late at night as we laid in bed, he would tell stories of his exciting trips to bigger towns and cities, wishing he could make something of himself. My love, bit of a foolish lad he is for living in such fantasies. But I suppose being young and optimistic, one would have dreams of doing amazing feats and reaching up for the stars, even though our kind rarely had much potential in achieving such dreams.

“Anything? What did the men from London say?” I asked as the two finally returned from a day’s worth of negotiations.

“They showed keen interest and proposed quite a hefty sum.” Elias mumbled as he walked into the room, sitting down onto his comfy chair and cleaning out his pipe.

“Well? How much?” Rosie asked keenly, quickly trotting from the kitchen where she had just begun washing the dishes.

Jacob greeted me and the baby, kissing us both before pulling a stool to sit next to the fireplace where I sat rocking the child. “Mr. Smith offered three thousand pounds for the whole lot.”

“Three thousand…” I mumbled aghast, completely stunned by the amount.

Rosie too shared my surprise. If she would have had a dish in her hands, it would have fallen to the ground immediately and shattered into a million small pieces. “Oh my heavens.” she gasped. “Well what did the two of you say?”

“It was quite an offer.” Elias replied, finally fixing his pipe to be smoked.

“But you agreed, didn’t you?” Rosie insisted as she walked in front of her husband, needing to know the answer immediately.

“We said we would consider their offer.” Jacob continued ambiguously. But I could see a hint of a smile, making me to believe that indeed this was an offer _he_ was willing to take without a doubt.

“You blockheads.” Rosie screamed furiously. Both I and Jacob hushed her as the baby stirred in her sleep as she lay in my arms. “Sorry.” she quickly apologized as she looked towards the baby. “They haven’t left town, have they?”

“No. We will meet with them again tomorrow afternoon.” Elias said to his wife, to which she began ranting yet more abuse.

Both I and Jacob chuckled at her and her incline for a good deal, but we decided to let them argue over it by themselves. “Are you sure this is what you want to do?” I asked Jacob as he hovered over the baby, caressing the child’s soft hair and skin. “To give up your home?”

“Love, my home is with you no matter what roof keeps us together and warm.” he replied and kissed our baby, but looked straight into my eyes with a happy stare.

*

*

*

“How did it go?” I tried to ask as enthusiastically and with as much hope as I could muster up as Jacob returned late in the evening after spending yet another day negotiating with his father and the men from London. It had been a grueling week full of negotiations between the two parties, and I could not lie and say that it was turning quite tiresome not being able to see my husband during this time. 

But as Jacob walked further into the room and sat by me next to the roaring fire, a sudden smirk made itself known. “Everything is over and done with. Soon we’ll be sitting in something far more comfortable.” he announced with his enthusiasm barely contained, kissing the side of my head excitedly as I stared gawking at him surprised by the good news. “You are warm.”

“I’ve been near the fire, but don’t you change the subject! What happened?!” I exclaimed, perhaps a bit too brashly so as the baby slept in my arms as I rocked on my chair.

“Father agreed, is what happened.” he answered with a wide and happy grin reminding me of a small child being offered a treat.

“The three thousand…?”

“Aye.”

“My heavens.” I found myself saying without a single restraint, unable to believe that they were willing to offer such a hefty sum for the land Elias owned. Jacob chuckled at my perplexed state, taking a moment to kiss and caress the baby as I took a moment for myself to think of the actual implications of this and how our lives will concretely change in only a few short months to come.

“Are you pleased?” he asked as I kept still in my thoughts. The poor lad must have thought that I did not welcome the glad news as I stayed silent.

“Of course!” I answered without hesitation, indeed well pleased of the outcome he had wished for himself. “Of course I am pleased. This is glad news.”

“It is.” he concurred and kissed my lips with all the happiness he could not contain. “Soon we will have a real house to call home. Some place safe and warm with real prospects.”

“Yes. That sounds perfect.”

“And we will be happy there. We will grow old, watch as our sons and daughters will play and grow up, become hardworking citizens of this great nation…”

“You have everything planned, haven’t you?” I asked warmly as I watched him fall into his own happy dreams about his future. He seemed so determined in his vision, so happy and excited for this new turn in his life that I could not help but feel proud of him.

“Everything is turning out exactly as I had ever wished for it to.”


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is picking up speed now timewise, so there may be a few jumps forward in the timeline from here on out.

“Three thousand pounds…” she whispered up at the ceiling as we lay comfortably in our bed after the long day of negotiations.

“Aye.” I replied and turned to her, running my hand across her soft and warm arm, enjoying the simple beauty as she laid with me, in my bed. “Are you happy?”

Lizzie turned her head and smiled widely, looking every bit as happy. “Of course I am. Are you?”

“I am…” I replied and kissed her cheek. “But I could be even happier.” I whispered against her ear, to which she questioned me silently with a lift of her eyebrow. “Perhaps when we have settled in Stroud, we should start thinking about providing Bun with someone to play with?”

“No dogs, Jacob!” she warned with a serious look. “I do not want filthy animals in the house.”

“That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, love.” I whispered against her ear and slowly trailed my fingers down her nightdress, until I reached just the hem of her dress that had conveniently ridden up her thigs.

When she realized what I had meant, her hand suddenly grabbed at mine, denying me of any further intimate touching. “Jacob, it’s still a bit too soon.” said she and looked at me pleadingly.

“You have begun bleeding again, haven’t you?” I asked, wishing to understand her hesitation.

“I have.” said she.

“Then will you not give me babies?” I asked and kissed her neck and cheeks, wishing to further this moment.

“Of course I will. I just… need to heal first.”

“Oh…” I mumbled, not understanding what or how she felt after these few months after giving birth. “Are you hurting? Is something wrong? You are quite warm…”

“It’s nothing, silly.” she replied with a soft smile and caressed my cheek as I looked down into her eyes. “Carrying a child for nearly a year just takes a toll on my body.”

“Of course. I understand.” I said humbly, asking her forgiveness for my eagerness. “I admit, I am not always that patient. I just can’t wait to have sons running around our feet.”

“I know, love.” she replied and hugged me close. “Don’t worry, it won’t be long now.”

“Hey… What if we were to take off for a few days and you could see Stroud before the move?”

Lizzie stared at me in disbelief, her big eyes expanding to the size of saucers as her brows jumped up. “Are you serious? Do you think your parents would manage?”

“They’ll be fine.” I assured her. “We’ll take Bun with us and go see our new home that’s waiting for you to do with it as you please.”

“Oh Jacob…” she sighed and hugged me close to her chest. “You are so thoughtful.”

 

*

*

*

 

”Oh dear.” mother whispered to me with worry in her tone as I stood next to her, bouncing the baby in my arms as I kept her company in the kitchen. Mother’s worried state was quite justified as she looked over her shoulder towards Lizzie’s and my bedroom, her hands still submerged in the water as she washed the dishes on this late night. “Lizzie has quite the cough, doesn’t she?” she murmured as a string of loud coughs came from the room.

I dared not say a thing edgewise. I wished to remain hopeful that whatever Lizzie was going through was merely due to the coldness that had arrived and from the trip we took to Stroud only a few days ago. But with each new day, it only seemed to turn for the worse. “She’ll be fine.” I replied, but both I and mother knew if something would not happen soon, she would not be fine.

She had complained about some soreness a mere week ago, accompanied by what I suspected was a fever as she had been very warm days prior. But she insisted that it was nothing to worry about.

Despite her protests, I was convinced that she was developing whooping cough, but she would not believe in such things as she proudly claimed she was never ill. I had proposed to her that she should seek the advice of a doctor before we would begin our move to Stroud, but she foolishly waved it off as utter nonsense.

“Perhaps you should go and check on her?” mother whispered as the loud coughs vibrated through the rooms of the cottage, shaking the few lightweight prized possessions we had as decorations. I agreed to her suggestion and handed the baby over to her, wishing that if Lizzie truly was ill, at least the child should be spared from it.

“Lizzie?” I called out to her as I tiptoed to the jarred door, carefully checking to see if she was resting. “Is everything alright, love?” But just as I should have known by her inability to rest or to _not_ do anything in general, she stood in the middle of the room, sorting through the few things she owned and packing them in her bags which were to be taken with us to Stroud. “Bloody hell, Elizabeth! You should be resting!” I shouted angrily, sad and frustrated with her as she would not allow herself a rest even though I had requested that of her earlier in the day.

“Don’t curse, Jacob.” she mumbled in between heaving breaths as she kept organizing her things, ignoring me completely. “I need to sort these out.” she expressed with distain whilst showing the few photos and postcards and knick-knacks she had spread out. “Where’s Bun?”

“With mother.” I replied with a sigh and walked to her. To her surprise, I lifted her from the floor and carried her to our bed she must have crawled out of as the sheets had been tousled and laid half on the floor and half on the bed. “Here, get in.” I said and tucked her in, though she protested. But before she could say anything, I lifted the few small boxes she had uncovered and placed them onto her lap on the bed. “Now we can both be happy.”

Elizabeth sighed slightly, but she did show a small smile nonetheless. “I’m sorry… There is just so much to do and I cannot seem to find the time to do any of it.”

“Don’t worry, love. It will all turn out just as we planned it. It will only take a few days to pack our belongings and then it will all be over.”

Lizzie nodded eagerly, agreeing positively to the image I had hopefully instilled into her mind.

“How is your cough?” I asked, knowing full well it to be something to worry about.

But Lizzie only sighed annoyed as if it were nothing but a dull piece of conversation. “It’s nothing.”

“Nothing?” I asked, disbelieving her words quite strongly. “We can hear it to the other rooms, Lizzie.”

“It’s nothing!” she repeated herself. “It’s winter and it’s drafty. Nothing to worry about, love.”

But I was not convinced by this. She clearly was not feeling well, but what was I to do? She would not listen to my concerns and she would not see a doctor when I suggested it to her.

As much as I disliked the notion, I knew that there were only a few people I could know to help me convince her…

 

*

*

*

 

“Good evening?” the big, burly butler greeted eerily as he opened the mahogany door in which I stood in front of. He was an intimidating man with his deep stare and authority stance, but this was not the time to cower away. Not when his master may be the only one to help me with Lizzie’s illness.

“Good evening, sir.” I greeted the man and took off my cap, humbly introducing myself. “My apologies for the disturbance, but I was hoping for an audience with Lord Hiddleston.”

The butler looked at me with slight distain and not curious in the slightest of why I was disturbing the household he served. “Lord Hiddleston will not see guests at this hour.” the man said succinctly and threatened to close the heavy door in my face. “Perhaps you should try again tomorrow during more appropriate hours?”

“I understand it is a late hour, sir, but I really must insist an audience with him. I beg you, please inform him that I am calling.”

The man looked down to me, clearly annoyed, but did comply, thank the Lord. The butler let me pass into the grand foyer I had only visited once or twice prior, when I courted my love. The butler left me there to wait with my thoughts as he went up the stairs.

“Jacob?” a soft whisper traveled from behind one of the service doors next to the grand staircase. “Jacob? Is that you?”

“Anna?” I whispered as I saw just a slight glimpse of her recognizable hair. As she peeped from behind the door, recognizing that it was indeed I, she silently treaded over to me, hugging me close like an old friend.

“What are you doing here?” she asked surprised. “And at such an hour?”

“I came to ask help from Lord Hiddleston. Lizzie needs help.”

Anna pulled back distraught by the sudden and unexpected surprise of Lizzie’s name being used in such a way. “What’s wrong? Is she alright?”

“Lizzie is ill and I don’t know what’s wrong or how to fix her.” I replied, not knowing how to explain the situation.

“Ill? Have you taken her to the hospital?”

“She won’t go.” I replied.

“She won’t go?” she repeated dumbfounded.

“That’s why I’m here. I’m hoping that the lord would help.” Anna stared at me questioning. I presumed she had at least some kind of knowledge of Lizzie and Thomas’ dealings, as she stared at me doubtfully and questioning my reasoning for this decision. “Anna, he knows people; people who could help. I need to at least try, for Lizzie’s sake.”

Anna sighed but nodded as I explained to her why I must try. I did not disagree from her initial reaction; if I could, I would have stayed as far away from Thomas as possible.

As the two of us heard the heavy steps of the butler come down the stairs, Anna whispered a ‘good luck’ and a prayer into my ear, wishing Lizzie a speedy recovery before running through a service door, hiding from the big butler.

“His lordship will see you in his study, but I suggest you keep your business succinct.” said the butler as he stopped midway of the last staircase. I of course humbly thanked him and followed his lead back upstairs to where his master presided in. “Milord?” the butler said with a knock on his door, before entering with me just behind him. “Your guest, sir.”

There, the tall and distinguished looking man sat behind his desk, writing papers upon papers that laid around in stacks and heaps as the fire roared by his side. “Thank you, Mr. Harrison.” he replied and dismissed the butler. Thomas stood up and offered me his hand despite our long and troubled history, warmly welcoming me in and to sit down in one of the chairs that stood between us. “Mr. Baker, what can I do for you?”

“I must apologize for the intrusion on such a late evening,” I replied calmly, looking carefully over my shoulder until I was sure the door was closed and the butler safely behind it. “but I am in need of your help.”

Thomas looked at me surprised. “Why? What troubles you?” he asked and sat back down on his chair.

“It is Elizabeth… she is ill.”

“Ill?” he repeated, clearly affected by the sudden news.

“Yes. She has a cough that I find to be dangerous to her health and her skin is too hot to the touch.” I explained to the best of my knowledge.

Thomas listened without so much of a blink, but did not seem too worried of my description. “I see. Has she been to the hospital? Or has she sought the advice of a medical professional?”

“That is just it. She won’t see one.”

“Well she is a stubborn girl…” he agreed, but remained quite unaffected. “I’m sorry to hear she is ill, but I cannot see how I can make her change her mind.”

“But what if she has this dangerous flu everybody talks about?” I insisted. I was rather annoyed and angry that he would not treat this as seriously as I did, nor did he express much emotion, considering how tumultuous their relationship had been.

“The Russian Flu? That’s not possible.” he scoffed as if it were an absurd and impossible notion altogether. “It is contained within the limits of London, Birmingham and some of the coastal cities, is it not? This is what The Times say.”

“Well The Times is wrong!” I replied angrily, ready to smash the closest object near me. The lord stared at me deeply, calmly awaiting for me to gather myself and my thoughts before continuing rationally. “She is in need of help. She needs help that I can’t give her.” I continued, feeling ashamed and sorry that I did not have the means or skills to care for her. But much to my dislike and bitterness, I knew he did. If only he would find the interest to show such kindness. “I ask of you, just as you asked to see your daughter. Please help her.”

Thomas pondered for just a moment and sighed with a nod. “I do owe you a debt of gratitude…” he replied deep in thought. “Very well. I will call for my personal physician in the morning and bring him to you.”

 

* * *

 

“You went to HIM?!” she screamed at him as much as her crackling lungs would allow. It was needless to say that when she saw me join her husband with my personal physician in tow, she was not pleased the slightest. I couldn’t blame her, honestly. I of course felt worried for her sake, but I was not tremendously happy to be involved in her life yet again, after I had vowed to keep my distance from her and her life.

“Calm down. It was the only way to get you to see a doctor.” Jacob tried to explain as I and the doctor stood in the room rather awkwardly.

Elizabeth did put up quite a fight against her husband and the doctor, saying that there was nothing the matter and that she would in fact be just fine and alright. By Jacob’s description of her state, I was sad to see that she was in much worse shape than I had imagined. Even the time she had fallen through the ice and caught the flu, she did not seem as sickly and poor as she did now. Seeing her like this, I could only hope and pray that whatever this was, she would pull through and make it out without any complications.

But the atmosphere in the room was turning rather heated due to the heavy arguing the couple were making. The doctor had seized to listen Elizabeth’s ranting and began his examination, muttering that the shouting was in part due to the fever that caused her mild insanity. Not only that, but the baby in Jacob’s arms did nothing to soothe the tension. Jacob tried desperately to calm the child and her agitated state, but unfortunately, this seemed to be a monumental task for the inexperienced father under duress.

“I must insist for some peace and quiet for the remainder of this exam. I cannot work with the both you and the child screaming and crying so loudly!” the doctor yelled with his red and agitated face.

“I’ll take her.” I offered, willing to help the couple. However, I could not say that my offer was purely for their convenience, but rather a selfish one. Jacob handed the baby over, and as I left the room, the realization truly struck me. This was the first time that I’ve been allowed to hold her since she was born. “There, there, little one. No need to cry.”

After dealing with the twins for such a long time, it was rather remarkable to hold a baby of her size. She is so tiny and miniscule compared to the boys. But oh how she is beautiful… “You are lucky that you resemble more of your mother than you do of me. Otherwise mummy would have plenty to explain to your grandmother and grandfather.” I found myself whispering to her as I carried her to the other room, sitting down on one of the benches that were left in the nearly empty cottage.

I could not help but stare at the little marvel in my lap. Her eyes were a deep color, not quite distinguishable from dark blue or green, but oh how they were big and round, full of wonderment and curiosity for what was happening around her. “You are a feisty one, aren’t you?” I whispered to her with a smile, making her stop the crying she made under her duress. “I wish I could be closer to you, but I hope you will grow up happy regardless. You have a great mummy and daddy who will keep you safe and warm, who will love you with all their hearts, which, I’m sad to say, I will never be able to provide you, little dove.” I truly felt remorseful for the inequality she will be forced to deal with for the entirety of her life. The unintentional love I have for this little girl is overwhelmingly strong despite my little doings with her. “I miss you so, little dove, and I am so sorry you must be a casualty in my misdoings. I hope that you shall be treated better than how I treated your mother; that you have a better life with many more possibilities and expectations.”

“You managed to make her stop crying.” Jacob appeared suddenly, cutting my moment with the baby in my lap short, which, quite honestly, was probably for the best.

“I did.” I replied and lifted the baby up, holding her close to my chest as I stood up to meet with her father. “I’ve found that one’s voice can be a useful tool. Babies love to listen to one talk; the sound intrigues them.”

Jacob nodded at the hopefully insightful tip, holding his arms towards me until I gave the baby over to him. “I will have to try that sometimes.”

“How much of that did you hear?” I replied after a moment of quietness, slightly bashful at the nonsense I whispered to the baby.

“I heard that you miss her and how you wish a better life for her than what Lizzie has.”

“I meant no disrespect.”

“I know.” he replied and bounced the baby as she stirred uncomfortably. “Do you really miss her?” he asked and nodded towards the child in his arms.

Truly I did. Even after a minute or so of letting her go, I found myself missing her. I missed smelling the scent of her long hair, touching her soft skin, the weight of her… But she was not mine to have. “She is my blood.” I replied, not willing to hide the plain truth no matter what my status dictated me to do or say otherwise. “And while my actions with Elizabeth may have been dishonorable in so many ways, I do not wish to deny that she is mine. And I wish, with my whole heart, that I could be a part of her life.”

“That is not possible. Not for you.”

“Not for me…” I agreed to his true statement. “I beg you, please tell me her name.”

Jacob turned to the child and thought long and hard. “Why torture yourself? You know that with every detail you know of her, the more attached you will get.”

I nodded. I was rather disappointed in his answer, but the truth is, what he said was completely true. I knew it as well that the more I knew of this child, there more it would haunt me. This was something I could not live with.

In a way, Jacob not telling me any details of her, nor allowing me to see her on a regular basis, was indeed a blessing in disguise, no matter how I hated the blessing. “You will take care of her, won’t you? No matter how your life with Elizabeth will turn out?”

Jacob nodded, affirming my request immediately. “I am her father and I shall take care of her.”

“Then that is all I need to know.” I replied and fetched for my jacket and hat, taking my leave from this soon-to-be empty residence. “Goodbye.”

“Thomas?” Jacob called for me, halting me before I made it out of the door and into the coldness of the winter air. “I thank you for everything you have done for us today. I hope to one day recompense you for the kindness you have shown us.”

“No need.” I replied somberly as I looked over at the child and then behind her, where the door hid the sickly Elizabeth. ”Just take care of her. Of both of them. Make them happy.”


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of trouble writing this chapter both emotionally and technically, so please be kind and mindful of the quality or the decisions I've made. I don't want to give any spoilers, but I will warn you: things won't be the same after this one!

“Now are you sure you’ll be alright?” The sight of Rosie and Elias hopping onto their more than stuffed carriage was a bit discerning to me, especially as Rosie held onto Bun as she climbed on. The mutual consensus was that Elias and Rosie would leave ahead of us with the baby, and Jacob and I would leave behind with the rest of the belongings, until next Monday, allowing us a bit more time to sort things out.

“Don’t worry, dearie.” said Rosie as she sat down. “We’ll be there in no time. You just try and get better before your travel.”

I tried to stay in high spirits, but my worry for my baby and the dread of being away from her for the first time was truly daunting, terrifying me to my very bones. 

“Don’t worry, love.” Jacob whispered and tightened the shawl around me that kept me warm, wrapping his arms around me as added warmth as we watched them leave with most of our belongings. “They’ll be fine. They can take care of her.”

“I know. I just don’t like to be too far away from Bun.” I replied and walked back inside the house where it was warm and comfortable.

“Well, look on the bright side…” he replied with a sly grin. “Now we have the whole cottage to ourselves.”

“You stay away, you fiend.” I warned him, pointing my finger at him with a silent threat. “We still have plenty to do before we leave.” But Jacob did not listen. With his sly grin and dark gaze, his threatening steps seemed intimidating as he quickly neared me. “Jacob…” I warned him yet again, now desperately running away from him despite my lungs and muscles protesting the activity.

In defiance of my protests, Jacob ran after me with just as much enthusiasm as I tried running from him. Despite my bad health and the initial protest to his advances, I did of course enjoy his undivided attention, now that it was just the two of us. The both of us laughed like children who had too much freedom, enjoying the time we had together without prying eyes looking down on us.

“Can I not love my wife?” he asked as he caught me, hugging me close to his chest until he could bend his head down to the crook of my neck.

“You may, but not right now. Not when I’m this ill.” I replied with a sigh as he held me close and smiled so gently at me.

Jacob only groaned at my reply, disappointed with my unwillingness to continue any further at this point. But Jacob did not care to let go just yet. Instead, he resumed his cuddling, trailing soft kisses from my neck to the side of my face before stopping next to my ear. “You’re still quite warm, love.”

“A bit.” I groaned, slightly lost to the lovely feeling he made me feel with each slow kiss. I tried to act coherent, but I suppose I must have let my guard down as I did not wish to leave his arms. “But at least the cough has subsided a bit.”

“You still have a few days to get better, before we head out.” said he and pulled back, looking down to my eyes with his lovely, hooded eyes like the protector that he was.

I was rather taken with the care he had been giving me over the last week. The both of us knew that I had been under the weather for some time now, but what caused me to feel so happy, was how he would take the time to nurse me, to spend time watching me as I tried to rest the sickness away and how he would make sure Bun was alright when I could not care for her myself. He was every bit the caring man any woman could ever wish for.

 

* * *

 

It has been four days now since mother and father had left from Oxfordshire with the baby. We had yet to hear from the three, but my instincts told me that there was no reason to be worried at this point in time. Unlike how I felt for Elizabeth and her health.

Lizzie said that the worst was behind her and that her cough had nearly disappeared, but I knew different. I could swear I still heard loud coughing and subtle heaving coming from behind closed doors when she thought I wasn’t around. The doctor had agreed with me about Lizzie’s condition of course, when Thomas so graciously had brought him to us, citing that she indeed had flu like symptoms that indicated the presence of pneumonia. The doctor had suggested that she should stay at a hospital until the worst had passed, but I found no such luck with her. She was indeed a stubborn one, that much was clear, yet I had not dared to feel her wrath on the subject any more than she had already inflicted upon me when Thomas had left.

This being said, I was still rather cautious of her health and her ability to travel in such cold conditions. As an added threat and worry, the hushed discussions I had heard in the tavern about the ongoing flu in the south and east that crept towards us in a terrified pace did nothing to comfort my thoughts.

In fact, I was told that the illness had already reached the neighboring towns of Aylesbury, High Wycombe and Northampton, where lives had already been lost in the hundreds. Mrs. Angus, the owner of the local tavern I frequently patron at, had heard that the cottage hospitals near those areas had all been filled with the sick and dead, and that it wouldn’t be too long till the same would happen here as well.

Poor Mrs. Angus was quite ridden with sorrow as I watched her work around the floor of the tavern. Her lover, Mr. Roberts, had passed away of the disease just days prior, and despite her heavy loss and the strain she was going through because of it, she resumed working within the tavern. I admired her bravery and durability, but I could never imagine going through such an ordeal with my Lizzie.

“How are you, Mrs. Angus?” I asked the ample owner as she brought me and the lads our ales, offering her a comforting hug as she drifted around the room aimlessly.

“So and so.” the red-haired madam of the house replied mournfully. “I’ve tried to keep my mind busy with the tavern. I reckon’ I keep busy rather than fret about it any longer.”

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Angus. We’ll be here to keep you company if you need it.” One of the lads replied with lift of his ale.

“It’ll all get better soon.” I whispered to her as she tried to smile at the comforting words, but I suspect we both knew deep down that it would not.

“Such good boys the lot of you.” she replied and finally smiled warmly. “I just wish I had made him go to the hospital before it was too late. I bet he would still be here, drinking with the lot of you if I had made him go.” she continued remorsefully with a stray tear from her eye, before returning to her tending.

But as the night grew darker and I made my way back home, this was something that kept ringing in my ears. I wondered to the brink of my own insanity, whether I should ignore Lizzie’s requests to stay home and just place her in the hospital before moving to Stroud.

The outcome of Mr. Roberts was one I certainly did not want my Lizzie to share. I was frightfully concerned for Lizzie. While her character and spirit is, and has always been fierce and strong, I question the strength of her body. She had never been physically strong, but ever since she had the baby, I fear that the birthing of our daughter may have caused her damage we did not realize. Even to this day, as I watched her move about, her moving had become slower and more weary, like an old woman watching for each step she took.

“That is it. That was the rest of it.” said Lizzie as I entered our nearly empty cottage. Lizzie sat on her knees on the cold floor, tying rope and string around bags filled to the brim with old things and memories.

I truly felt scared for Lizzie’s health and safety as I watched her busy herself while in such a state. I walked closer, looking down at the proud young woman who had managed in the impossible, as she had said the packing to be. She was still so young and beautiful with still so much to live for. There was no way I could allow her to remain in such a state without feeling guilty of possible repercussions.

“Are you finished packing?” I asked conversationally, hoping that my inner thoughts would not deceive me by revealing themselves.

Lizzie nodded, “I am.” and got up, looking around the big pile of stuff we were to take with us in a matter of days.

“Good.” I replied, feeling proud of the task she had finished with her strong will. Yet, as proud of her as I was, there was no way I was going to allow her to stay here and kill herself because of her stubbornness and unwillingness to get any help.

So when I suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, picked her up over my shoulder, she immediately protested in shock. “JACOB! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?!” she screamed at the top of her sore lungs, causing her a string of raspy coughs as she desperately grabbed and slapped my back to lower her down.

“I am taking you to the cottage hospital.” the words of Mrs. Angus saying how filled the hospitals in nearby towns rang in my ears. The thought of not even having a chance to be taken care of by doctors and nurses was too great, and I for one would not dare to pass on a chance to fix whatever was wrong with her whilst there were no other cases of this flu reported in Oxfordshire.

“NO YOU ARE NOT! PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!” she kept hollering incessantly. She kicked and screamed like child with a tantrum, doing anything she could to not be taken.

“No. You need help, Lizzie, and this is not a place where you will recover. Your fever is still too high.” I tried to explain. I begged her, pleaded for her to listen that this was for her own safety.

“I AM NOT GOING! JACOB!”

“I’m sorry, love, but that is the only place where you can be looked after and be given medicine.”

But Lizzie did not care. Her begging and desperate pleas sounded even more sad and pained and it hurt my very soul to disappoint her in such a way. It hurt, knowing that my attempt to get her to safety made her angry; that it had such a drastic reaction in her.

“NO, JACOB! PLEASE!” she begged, hitting my back with her small fists, trying to stop me from leaving our cottage. “I DON’T WANT TO DIE IN A SICK-HOUSE!”

“Die in a sick-house? What are you talking about?” I asked, immediately halting as I turned my head to the side, confused by her dramatic statement.

“They will kill me there, Jacob. Please don’t force me to go.” she begged terrified, crying profusely.

“They won’t kill you, Elizabeth.” I insisted, assuring her that the doctors would take care of her in time before our departure. “They will help you with your flu and then we’ll be off.”

“You don’t understand, Jacob. They killed my mother!” she cried hysterically.

I immediately lifted her down onto her feel and listened to the sad story of her ill mother who had perished in a similar instance. I of course felt horrible for what my Lizzie must have witnessed and heard, but I was convinced she would turn out better. Lizzie did not agree with my own view on the matter, but kept crying out of terror that she would meet the same fate as her mother, begging me to not take her away from our home.

Despite the cautionary tale of Mr. Roberts and Mrs. Angus, and to my better judgement, I found myself immobile, completely unable to continue with the decision to take my wife to the hospital.

 

* * *

 

“Good day, Thomas.” young Mr. Baker greeted me with a slight nod as he passed me on the street.

I was rather surprised to meet him here, as I was under the impression that he and his family were to have relocated by now. “Jacob? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in Stroud by now?”

“We are leaving tomorrow. I wanted to wait for Lizzie’s fever to lower, before we left for the trip.”

“And has it?” I asked but did not receive an answer from the young man. A mere disappointed look down at his feet was enough indication that Elizabeth’s illness had not dissipated, despite the advice my personal physician had given to them both. “Good Lord, man! Have you taken her to the hospital yet?”

“No and I promised her that I wouldn’t.” he said bravely but foolishly, knowing full well that her health would only worsen by the day if not taken care by professionals.

I knew that there was nothing I could do or say to change his stubborn mind about the subject, but my worry for Elizabeth only increased by the carelessness of this young man and his inability to take care of his own wife.

“Where is she?” I asked, mindfully keeping my anger at bay as I attempted to know further details of her present condition.

“At home.” he replied.

“With your parents?”

“No, they left with the baby days ago.”

“Then who is taking care of her? Who is keeping an eye on her?” I asked rather astounded by his implication that she was all alone, deathly ill in her bed without anyone looking after her in such a state. When Jacob did not answer, my fear for her was multiplied, knowing that indeed there was absolutely no one to care for her. “You sod! You left her alone to care for herself?”

Jacob sighed, quite obviously distressed by the decision he knew to be the wrong one. “I have to run errands before we leave. There just wasn’t anyone around to look after her.”

“How long has she been by herself?”

“About an hour, I suspect. And I still have plenty to do.” he replied. I could no longer listen to his imbecilic excuses, thinking it right to leave my Elizabeth to die by herself in an empty and lonely cottage. She needed desperately to be looked after, to have a hand to hold while her illness had such a tight hold on her slight body. “Thomas? Where are you going?!” the young man asked as I hastily left his presence and hurried my way down the road as fast as my legs would allow.

“To keep an eye on your wife!”

 

*

*

*

 

The air in the room my Elizabeth laid in was vile, barely even breathable as the smell of illness and sweat wafted through the air obscenely. But there she lay, calmly in a sheen of sweat her hair was evidently stuck to in knots.

As I came closer, I bent down to my knees and took a cloth that lay on the basin next to her, whipping her grimy forehead as I tried to remove the excess sweat that coated the front of her hair. Elizabeth stirred in her rest, barely opening her eyes from the sleep she was in.

“Thomas? What are you doing here?” she groaned under her crackling voice, damaged by the evident coughing that had only worsened since our last meeting.

“Shhh, love. Try not to talk or move too much.” I replied and continued on with the cloth, trying to make her more comfortable. “You shouldn’t be alone in such a state, so I’m here to keep you company while Jacob is doing his errands.”

“You shouldn’t be here.” she groaned, heaving terribly as she tried not to cough at my direction. “People… people might talk if they see you here.”

“I don’t care.” I whispered gently, which made her smile. With her forehead cleaned, I grabbed a brush that lay next to the basin and brushed the soaked, messy hair.

As she complied by lifting her head, allowing me to sort through the nest that had formed, she stared deeply at me as I concentrated on my work. “How are the girls?” she asked after a moment of complete silence.

As I resumed my task, I lowered my eyes for just a moment, slightly halted by the deepness of those eyes that stared right at me. There she was; my Elizabeth that I so fell in love with. In that instant, I could not help but remember all the short moments we shared in secrecy, all the moments we shared together that made both of us so happy. But even after our tumultuous and short-lived affair that in good conscious should have not existed, she still managed to frazzle me; to make me feel happy, excited and curious whenever she was around or mentioned.

“They are lovely.” I answered slightly flustered as I felt her smiling gaze upon me. “They are very intelligent and well mannered.”

“That is good to hear.” she replied and laid back down as I finished with her hair. “Do they ever…”

“They talk about you all the time.” I assured her and caressed her cheeks and freshly cleaned forehead.

Elizabeth smiled as if it were the happiest news she had ever heard, leaning in to the gentle affection I could not help but give. “You have the most beautiful hands I’ve ever seen. I never told you that, did I?” she asked and took a hold of my hands that caressed her face, looking over every ridge, vein and scar they possessed. “I always admired them…”

“That’s odd.” I replied and chuckled at her intrigue. She raised an eyebrow in silent question. “I admired yours, when I first met you.”

“You did?”

I nodded. “I thought your hands were so petite and beautiful. Very attractive.”

“For a maid?” she asked bluntly, but there was no hint of prejudice. I stared at her silently, unable to form the right words to express myself and justify my earlier statement that I had not meant in any derogatory or snobbish manner. Instead, I grasped at the hands that held mine and brought them to my lips, kissing each and every knuckle and back of the hand lovingly, humbly making my apology for such an ignorant statement.

But Elizabeth did not seem to judge. She held on to my hands as she watched me kiss hers, and for a moment, her eyes once again portrayed the same love and softness she had once showed me before.

“Will you… rest with me? Just for a minute?” she asked pleadingly with her rough voice. “Please?”

I sighed, saddened that I would have to disappoint her by refraining myself. “We both know I shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be right towards your husband if I were to join you in your marriage bed.”

Elizabeth nodded unwillingly, seemingly saddened that I had not agreed to the proposition. “I understand. I’m afraid of falling asleep alone.”

I kissed the poor girl’s hands and lifted the cover that had slightly slipped down off her during our conversation, making her more comfortable in the warmth that it provided her. “Would you like me to sit here and wait till you fall asleep?”

“You have no obligation to do so.” said she confused, but did not refuse my offer nor did she let go of my hand.

“I am offering to stay because I want to.”

Elizabeth’s gentle smile and happy eyes were enough to convince me she was grateful of my decision to stay. For nearly an hour I watched her gentle features relax as we talked about this and that, letting her tired eyes rest as she beckoned the sleep to arrive to take her away. And before long, Elizabeth relaxed and succumbed to her sleep, laying peacefully as a babe in rest. The gentle murmuring she did in her sleep reminded me of the many nights we spent happy together. With not a fret in sight on her young face, she seemed so utterly serene and beautiful, and the love I still felt for her only hurt my heart and mind even more, knowing that if she were to survive this, I would never feel her on my skin ever again.

“Elizabeth?” I whispered gently, making sure she truly had fallen in blissful dreamland. Elizabeth only murmured and shifted slightly, but remained sound asleep. “I am truly sorry for what you have gone through and the pain I had caused. None of it was done or said out of true malice or spite.” I continued softly and brushed away the hair that had fallen in her eyes. “But no matter the outcome of tomorrow, I just wanted to say how I love you. You managed to show me how I was still capable of feeling love after such betrayal, and I cannot thank you enough for the love and affection you showed me in such a dark place. Please, my love, take care of yourself. Please do not leave me.”

“Everything alright?” Jacob’s voice interrupted my heartfelt words, surprising me with his sudden and unexpected presence.

I quickly wiped off the slight mist in my eyes caused by my slight moment of weakness and stood up, letting go of Elizabeth’s hand that still held onto mine after all these long minutes. “Yes, everything is fine.” I replied only with the partial truth. “She just fell asleep a moment ago.”

“Excellent.” Jacob replied and took my place next to Elizabeth. “Thankfully I managed to complete my tasks faster than I had predicted, so now I won’t take any more of your valuable time.”

“I see.” I replied slightly hurt with the cold gratitude he gave me. I knew of course that this was a rather uncomfortable situation for the both of us and that it took every ounce of our self-control to keep polite in such instances. I did not particularly like facing the reality of seeing him in my place, next to my Elizabeth; holding her hand just as I had, comforting her as I did. But then again, I suppose he did not particularly enjoy seeing me next to his wife in such a position.

Disappointed in the situation, I felt it best to just ignore the hurtful reality I saw in front of me and to resume my daily life just as I should have. “And what of tomorrow?”

Jacob stared at me from where he sat, making sure Elizabeth rested comfortably in her sleep, just as any loving husband would have. “As I said: Our plan is to leave in the morning, provided that Elizabeth feels slightly better to take on the travel.”

“Well then…” I sighed, sadly realizing that this could indeed be the last time I would see her. It was not the best circumstances to part, I grant it, but at least our last converse would be a polite and happy one. “If it is to be, I wish you safe travel and good luck with your new lives in Stroud.”

Jacob politely thanked me for the best wishes and bid me goodbye. It was a rather solemn goodbye on my part, which I tried to mask as appropriate, but truthfully and with all my heart, it took everything I had inside me to hold myself to the standard I had been brought up with. My heart broke as I once more glanced at the girl lying sickly in bed, knowing that I would never hear from her again nor would I ever feel the love she blessed onto me.

 

* * *

 

“Good morning.” I whispered to the woman lying next to me on her side. This would be our big day; the day we were to finally move to the new house we are to call home. “Lizzie, wake up. We have to get ready and eat before we leave.” I said to her and crawled out of bed, quickly putting on my clothes from the excitement I had been keeping inside for months on end. But today would mark the new beginning for us.

But once again, Lizzie found it too difficult to wake up in the morning, which was a rather nasty habit of hers that she had gained after the baby was born. But I for one would not spend a minute longer here than I had to.

With such excitement, I felt as strong as the gods as I lifted every last piece of luggage onto our small cart, tying it down and steady for our long journey westbound. And just as our good fortune would have it, even the sun was out and shined brightly, blessing our trip.

“Lizzie, get a move on. We have to get going!” I shouted as I later on returned inside the cottage, only to see her still lying on the bed. “Come on, love. We have to go.” I said and crawled to her on the bed. But Lizzie would not reply.

“Lizzie?” I said and shook her shoulder to wake her up. “Lizzie, wake up.” but she did not stir, she did not flinch. “Lizzie? Lizzie, come on!” I shouted at her, grasping at her arm quite violently now, but to no avail. “LIZZIE, WAKE UP! WAKE UP, LOVE!” But she did not.

Lizzie did not move, she did not even say a thing. She didn’t even mumble. Her arm was lifeless and cold; the complete opposite of what it was only the previous night. The terror I felt as I slowly turned her to her back was horrifying. My once beautiful wife was mere cold skin and flesh as I raked my fingers over her slightly rosy cheeks and lips, just as I had done many a time before. But still she would not wake up from her slumber.

The room was utterly quiet. Even the wind that hit the glass of the windows during the night had vanished, leaving only silence in this place of heartbreak and death. For a slight moment, I convinced myself she was jesting, playing a horrific and terrifying game of charades. But it was not so. Her calm expression was so innocent, so beautiful and peaceful. I had not the heart to believe she would not wake up and greet me as she always would.

The realization hit me with violent emotion: she was no longer here because of my weakness. No longer would I get to have her by my side. No longer would my daughter feel her mother’s touch, her smile, because I did not do as I should have.

The tears I shed at the pain of my loss dripped down onto her cheek and rolled down to lips, and for a moment, it seemed as if she was the one crying of sorrow.  “I am so sorry.” I found myself whispering against her cheek over and over again as I lied next to her, holding her cool and lifeless body against my chest, hoping with every strangled breath that the Lord would grant a miracle and bring her back to me.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas, the story is coming to an end, my lovely readers. This chapter will revolve around the ending of our beloved nanny and the people left to deal with the aftermath. I will be writing an epilogue after this chapter, so keep checking for updates soon.

It took nearly the whole of the morning and afternoon for me to gather my wits after the horrible end of my beloved’s life. I bid my farewells to my beautiful wife; kissing the soft lips I used to revel in times before, smelling the faint scent of her that had now diminished to the pure stench of cold death as I laid the only sheet left unpacked on top of her, hiding the beauty of her once pert face.

It was a lonely walk into town as I made my way to the funeral parlor. Mr. Smith was a competent mortician and a fine gentleman indeed, capable of handling any request with upmost honor and respect. But despite his gentile behavior and good nature, his profession was one that did not allure people into socializing with him. Yet now was a time that socializing with him was of upmost importance.

He, with all his kindness and good nature, agreed to walk back with me to the cottage, accompanied by his apprentice and a carriage, alleviating me of the task of disposing the body that was left by God to my care. The beauty that I had covered in a white sheet remained silent and pliant, just as to what the two men were used to and who now carried her away as if she were just a puppet in need of maintenance.

I was at a lack of words as the kind Mr. Smith mentioned several suggestions about the burial. My lack of knowledge on what to do about such matters was only preceded by my lack of coherence. I was too disoriented, too at a loss to decide or to care of what to do to my wife or what she might have wished for. Fortunately Mr. Smith was more than generous with his patience, allowing me my time to gather my thoughts on such a morbid matter.

* * *

 

“Jacob?” I murmured as I spotted the young man, surprised to see him still walking the streets of our fair town. I was rather curious of this oddity, as he had just professed yesterday of his plans to take Elizabeth with him to their new hometown. Not only that, but despite my earlier criticism of him leaving his sickly wife home alone, which utterly offended me, here he was yet again, doing exactly the opposite as I had wished from him. 

As the young man saw me walk across the street towards him, he stopped dead in his tracks, turning to the man he seemed to be conversing with. “Mr. Baker, Mr. Smith.” I greeted them both with a tip of my hat before turning to the young man in curiosity. “Forgive me, but I am rather bewildered to find you still here, sir. I was under the impression that you had departed from our lovely town.”

Jacob looked to his side where the older man stood, begging him a moment alone with me. Mr. Smith, who I faintly recalled worked at our local funeral parlor, bid goodbye to the both of us cordially and went on his way to the building next to us where his shop presided.

“Thomas, I-“ the young man began to say, but I would have none of it. Utterly disgusted by the lack of care he showed to his wife by leaving her sickly and alone, I grabbed him by the collar of his coat, dragging him to the narrow space between the two buildings we stood in front, allowing us our privacy for matters that did not need curious eyes looking down at us.

“Did you leave her alone again?” I asked with clear upset on the matter. “Did I not make it clear to you that she was not to be left alone in such a state?”

Jacob murmured under his breath, muttering oddities and pleas in hushed, muddled tones. “She’s- she’s not-“ he mumbled incoherently, forming half sentences discerning his sickly wife.

“What? What are you babbling about, man?” I stared at the youngling, baffled, wondering what he was on about. I turned my head back over my shoulder to where Jacob stared at, seeing only the old undertaker as he entered the shop next to us. “What? What are you saying…?” I asked as a terrible shiver crept up my spine, alluding to the implication that Mr. Smith was involved in this somehow.

“She’s…” Jacob murmured painfully, emotionally breaking down into pieces right in front of my very eyes. “She’s gone, Thomas.”

“What do you mean ‘she’s gone’? I don’t understand.”

Jacob grabbed ahold of my collar and pulled me towards him in a fit of rage and sadness; his face red and tired with knowledge I did not wish to hear. “SHE’S DEAD! She’s dead, my Lizzie.” he yelled with a deep and frustrated cry, like a man that had lost everything he held dear in his life.

I was baffled in the most horrendous, scared way possible. Elizabeth’s illness had been dire, but she was stronger than that. “No… no, no, no, this isn’t – she can’t be. I just saw her yesterday.” She wasn’t supposed to die. She was supposed to live a happy, fruitful life with our baby. She was curable. I brought my physician to see her. She was supposed to get better. There was no reason why she should have ended thusly. “What did you do to her?!”

Jacob stared at me petrified, completely white and sickly as my rage tried to find the cause of this unhappy news. “I swear, I didn’t- I-I couldn’t… she wouldn’t let me.”

“You killed her! How could you have been so careless?!”

Jacob yelled as the first hit from my fist slammed against his jaw, pushing him down onto his back from the sudden force. “THOMAS, STOP!” he begged as I kept on with the unruly anger within me.

I had no disregard of the man any longer. I could feel the rage surging from deep inside with a burning fire, spurred by the anger of losing Elizabeth unnecessarily. So enraged was I, that I barely felt the punches Jacob hit me with just as much anger and hurt. It wasn’t until a moment later, when Mr. Smith popped into my peripheral vision that the fighting stopped.

“Lord Hiddleston, this is highly irregular! Stop this fighting at once!” said Smith and grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me away from the fight as his assistant did the same to the now bleeding Jacob.

Perhaps it was not the wisest of choices, seeing as now both I and Jacob stood in the alley covered with blood, bleeding and bruising under the watchful eyes of the mortician. The boy stared deeply into my eyes hurt, but not by the pain I had caused, but by the loss he was forced to deal with.

I was ever so confused as I stared at the man nearly ten years my junior. I shared the pain of this young man and felt horrible for the uncertainty of his life and happiness, but still, the anger I felt for his misdoings and lack of care for his own wife was unbearable.

“Sir, shall I call a physician for you?” Smith interjected my thoughts after a moment, bringing me forth to the reality of which pain was a concern. I swiped my finger over the slight pain I felt on my lip, seeing crimson blood appear on the tip as I analyzed the damage done.  “Don’t bother…” I replied and made my apologies to the men around me, quickly sulking away back home to where I could mourn my loss privately and hopefully without any further injuries to anyone.

 

*

*

*

 

“Good heavens, Thomas?! What happened?” Caroline stopped me in my tracks as I entered home and attempted to climb the stairs into hiding, where I could mourn the loss of my doomed mistress. But Caroline would not have it, insisting on stopping me for her questioning and inspection. “Your lip, your cheek… you’re injured.”

“Not now, Caroline.” I warned her and kept climbing up the stairs with her only a foot’s length behind me.

“Yes now! You’ve been attacked. Let me call a doctor-“ she resumed her justifiable but terribly annoying interruption.

“No doctors, no bloody pampering. Just leave me alone.”

“But you’re-“

“I mean it, Caroline.” I warned her as I halted midway up the stairs, nearly pushing her down the stairs as I turned around to face her. Caroline shifted abruptly behind me, taking support from the railing as I towered over her. “I don’t want to hurt anyone, so please, leave me alone.”

“What is wrong, Thomas? Why are you acting this way?” she begged to know with a gentle caress on my cheek with the tips of her fingers, tracing the forming bruises left from the fight.

At any other time, her lovely acts of affection would have been welcomed, but the growing anger and sadness clouded my mind and judgment, not allowing me to even tolerate any kind of gentleness from her.

“I said: leave me alone.” I snarled at her and pushed her against the wall by her shoulders, fed up with her constant questioning I had no time for. “I love you, Caroline, but do not think I won’t whip you if you keep testing my patience any further. Are we clear?”

“Yes.” she replied as her wide eyes stared deeply at mine with surprise.

I nodded to the mutual agreement and let go of her shoulders, brushing off the slight bruising of her blouse I had caused onto the fabric. “I do not wish to be disturbed. Everything will have to wait until a later time. I will join the rest of you when I am ready.”

“Of course.” said she but did not push any further per my request.

 

*

*

*

 

The funeral was rather minute; only a few people were attending the farewell of Elizabeth and her short life. Anna, Mrs. Bell and some of the ladies of service were there, supporting Jacob as he bid his goodbye with our priest’s lead.

I had not the heart to join the burial, allowing the people closest to her to mourn on their own. No, instead I chose to hide in the bushes, underneath the snow covered oak trees, watching deeply as they lowered the casket that held the slight body of Elizabeth, making my own prayers privately in recompense.

With the final prayers blessed on behalf of her soul, the funeral party dissolved, leaving Jacob alone to mourn on the fresh grave. I cautiously walked to him, offering my condolences with a bouquet of flowers I hope she would have appreciated. “Hello, Jacob.” I greeted him quietly and received a gentle murmur of a hello that was muddled by the sore throat of his evident crying. “I hope you not think rude of me, but I watched the burial from afar.” I continued and pointed to my secret spot. “It was a beautiful ceremony.”

“Aye. That it was…” he replied calmly.

“Are you badly hurt?” I asked as I looked carefully over at the marks I had left during my moment of rage. His cheek was swollen and bruised, matching well with the unhappy feelings inside that he did not hide well.

“I reckon’ I’ll survive.” he replied simply.

“I am sorry for the abuse I caused you, I wasn’t myself.”

“I know.” he replied with a knowing stare, indicating no malice with the words he spoke, which comforted my own conscience slightly.

I gently laid the flowers onto her grave and the two of us stood there in complete silence. Only the winter wind and the chirping of Redwings could be heard in the isolation of which we were the only two humans inhabiting it. “What will you do now?” I asked, breaking the silence in need of knowing the future of him and the child now left in his care.

“There isn’t much to do, I suppose.” Jacob replied somberly. “All of her belongings are packed. Mother and father are waiting in Stroud… ”

“And what of the baby?”

Jacob suddenly turned to me, curiously searching my face for what I was after. “I will care for her, raise her to the best of my abilities…” he sighed.

“I want her.”

Jacob’s face finally contorted to utter surprise at my succinct utterance. “What?”

Indeed it was a shock to him as it was a shock to me as well. But something had changed within these past few days. Elizabeth’s passing had changed me; had changed the way I look at the course of my life and the lives of my children. With this sudden change I worried: ‘would the baby survive? Would Jacob be the best father she could possibly have?’ I wondered, would I remember the love Elizabeth gave me, without the reminder the baby would give? This I was not sure.

“I want my baby. She’s all I have to connect me to Elizabeth. She’s the only thing left of what the two of us had together.”

“Have you no decency?” Jacob sighed angrily. “The baby is the only thing **_I_** have to connect me to Elizabeth. **_I_** am Elizabeth’s husband, **_I_** am the baby’s father, **_I_** am the one to look after her.”

“I can care for her. I have all the means to provide her a good and safe life.”

“And what would your wife say, when you brought a baby with you?” Jacob replied, twisting the hurtful knife in my side as he used logic to suppress my feelings and emotions on the matter. “What would the rest of the town say if you were to come home with a baby? You know it would raise too many questions and suspicions.”

“But she’s mine.” I insisted desperately.

“She is Elizabeth’s! She is Lizzie’s baby and mine to look after by law. You know there isn’t any way for you to **EVER** be a part of her life.”

The heartbreaking truth was unbearable as the young man spat his sour, poisonous words of truth to my fragile heart. I kept begging him, pleading him to reconsider the possibility of the child living with me. But alas, the young man would not entertain such a thing and left me at Elizabeth’s grave to mourn. Today, I would mourn the lives of two: the woman I had fallen desperately in love with and the flower that bloomed out of our doomed love.

 

*

*

*

 

“Hello, dear. Where have you been? Still in a sour mood?” Caroline rushed from the parlor as she saw me enter the house and into the lobby. The burial this morning had not left me in much of a mood to be happy about, just as Caroline had commented with a slight smirk, but she had no comprehension of what I was about to tell her.

I took a hold of her arm and walked her back into the parlor, locking the door to leave us to ourselves in private conversation. “Sit down, please.”

“What is it?” she asked as she sat down, the smirk now long forgotten and replaced with worry. “What troubles you so?”

“Elizabeth died the other day. I just came from her burial.” I revealed, trying to hold myself together under the sadness the news had caused me.

“Elizabeth? The nanny?” she asked slightly confused. “Oh that poor girl… What happened?”

“The epidemic caught her.”

“Oh dear, and to think how young she was. Oh well…” she shrugged with little disregard as if a bug offended her by landing on her shoulders.

“You think this to be a light subject matter, Caroline?” I asked disgusted by her behavior. Elizabeth had been a vital person in our family, though her time with us may have been short, but such behavior and words from my wife certainly were not justified for such an important person. “Have you no decency for the poor girl?”

Caroline sighed and stared at me with evident annoyance as if a child was being unnecessarily scolded for a playful incident. “She was a servant for a year. Nothing more.” she replied.

“She was more than that.” I insisted seriously, holding her gaze.

But Caroline’s gaze changed suddenly, becoming quite still and serious as she searched for something within me. “She was, wasn’t she?” she asked me with intrigue, surprising me in turn with such an unexpected question.

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t play with me, Thomas.” she warned suddenly, and it was my turn to play the surprised fool. “I knew of the two of you. The hidden looks, the letters, the sneaking about when you thought no one was looking…”

“You- you knew?”

“Of course I did. It was obvious.” she replied. What struck me as rather odd was her demeanor of the whole thing. Caroline, by nature, was wild and heated; living her live spontaneously with excitement. Yet despite her nature, she was rather calm and collected about the matter, behaving herself as a true lady with carefully chosen words. “It was a great blessing actually, when she left our service for that young farm boy; left us to be the family we were always supposed to be. Saved me from ending her service…”

“You knew and never confronted me about it?” I asked her with bewilderment, unable to understand how she knew, when she found out and why she never said a thing after all these many months.

“I did not wish to interfere in your little game of dishonorable lords and debauched servants.”

“ _You did not wish to interfere_?!”

Caroline stood up from her chair and walked about the room; a strange habit she did when trying to conduct herself under difficult times. “Do not think that I approve of your little fling. I found it to be disgusting and perverse. But it was _just_ a fling, nevertheless, and I knew where your place lies.”

“But yet you did nothing?”

“I had no right to, did I? Not after what I had done to you…”

“No, I suppose not.” Yes, she had not been an honest woman herself with all her indiscretions. Not towards me, at least. Yet somehow, I was rather surprised that she never treated me with such hatred and disgust that I had treated her with.

“But we are happy now, aren’t we? As a family?” she asked, which in an odd way, seemed to sound rather much like a plea. “We have both made big mistakes we both regret, haven’t we? But you are my husband and the father of my children and we shall remain just as we have, shan’t we? Nothing has changed, yes?”

I was rather astounded by this. Caroline was willing to forgive and forget my own indiscretions so lightly? This was rather odd of her, but yet, I had no intention in disturbing what we had now achieved. “Of course nothing changes. We have been happy and will remain so.” I agreed still rather baffled. “But you have nothing more to say regarding my affair?”

“Let the deceased rest, Thomas.” she replied and sat back down next to me, holding tightly onto my hand as she searched my eyes. “I know I have wronged you in the past, but you forgave me. I only ask for the same in return.” she pleaded. “Just… Please tell me that there are no others?”

“I promise you, there is no one else.” I answered her, to which she blissfully smile and sighed with relief. “There is no one else but you and we shall leave all of this behind us…”


	36. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue takes place eighteen years after the end of the previous chapter. Life has continued on in our beautiful Kensington Lisle without much change or incidents, but as they say, life has a strange way of changing when you least expect it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story has now come to an end after over a year of writing the story. It has been an awesome, strenuous ride that I very much enjoyed. A very big thank you to all that have kept me company over the past year. Thanks for all the messages and love, I really do appreciate it.
> 
> Also I would like to give an enormous thank you to my dear Smithy for the lovely and intriguing reviews, comments and suspicions after each chapter posted. It really had a profound influence on me and certainly acted as motivation when I thought I had nothing more to write about.

Home never seemed as beautiful and welcoming as it did now, Thomas noted as he was driven back to his beloved Kensington Lisle in his new Talbot automobile. The summer had been a rather hot one in his beloved England, or so his wife’s correspondence had indicated while he was away. The plentiful flowers were in bloom and the grass showed a vivid green, making the aging lord wonder why he would ever choose to leave home in exchange for more adventure. 

As the car pulled in front of his Kensington Lisle, Thomas excited the vehicle and it was as if nothing had changed during the time he was a way; though, perhaps eight months of travel was not a long time in the grand journey of life.

“Good afternoon, Sir. I see you are well. Was your journey satisfactory?” the head housemaid, and lady-in-charge as expressed by all living under the roof of Kensington Lisle, greeted him with a big smile.

Thomas smiled kindly as he greeted one of his oldest members of personnel, noting how she still exuded the same enthusiasm as always. “Good afternoon, Anna. Indeed it was very satisfactory.” he replied and walked inside with her side-by-side. “It was rather riveting, I should say, but nothing ever competes with home.”

“Happy to hear it, sir.” she replied and helped him out of his jacket and hat. “Lady Hiddleston is having tea in the garden, and is anxiously awaiting for your return.”

“Excellent. I shall have to see her at once.”

“Indeed, sir. Also, I might add that Lady Lilly will be arriving shortly, and your cousin, his lordship, had arrived earlier this week to keep her ladyship company.”

“Is that so?” asked the lord with happy surprise at the mention of his eldest child and cousin visiting him.

“Yes, sir. Lady Hiddleston invited both Lords and Ladies to welcome you back home.”

“Fantastic! I shall eagerly wait to see them. Is there anything else I should be aware of?”

“Yes, sir.” replied Anna. “Her ladyship has taken upon herself to employ a group of new workers around the estate.” she revealed, to which Thomas took an interest to immediately.

“I see. And who do we have?”

“We have new kitchen staff, three new stable boys, a new lady’s maid and a gardener’s apprentice.” she listed off the top of her head.

“That is quite a list.” he retorted with an overwhelmed chuckle. “You must remind me to introduce myself to them. I would very much like to welcome them personally to the house.” replied Thomas and thanked Anna for the information, dismissing her to continue on with her other daily activities while he would seek out his wife.

Thomas walked briskly through the familiar rooms and halls until he reached the lovely garden Caroline had proudly achieved to create over these near twenty years. “Good day, my beautiful, most charming lady that the angels themselves envy.” Thomas whispered with a husky voice as he saw the elegant woman enjoying her tea. The aging, but nevertheless quite beautiful Lady Hiddleston shook in surprise at the sudden breathy voice behind her ear.

“Thomas?!” she exclaimed happily, putting down her tea to greet him most affectionately with a deep kiss. “When did you arrive?”

“Just a short moment ago.” said he.

Caroline hugged her husband amorously, and the two shared a short, intimate moment together, before the word would spread of his return back home.

“I missed you so much.” she whispered against his hear, enjoying the ticklish feeling of his beard on her neck that she had grown so accustomed to. “Did you have a pleasant trip, my love?”

“I did.” he replied with excitement that matched that of a young boy. “You should have seen it, Caroline. He actually flew in the air with that contraption.”

“I heard as such. It was mentioned in every newspaper.” Caroline replied, entertaining his excitement of witnessing the spectacle in France, where that odd and quite mad Mr. Wright flew his flying machine. “I heard it was rather exciting.”

“Mark my words, Caroline. This changes everything!” Thomas exclaimed with his hands in the air, indeed much like a small boy; too excited for his own body to contain.

Caroline only chuckled at the excitement her husband hardly managed to keep for himself. “You and your miracle machines, Thomas…”

Thomas smiled at his wife and sat down with her, trying to contain himself long enough to hear everything that had happened whilst he was away on his tour of the Americas and Europe. “How is everything here? I trust the boys have behaved whilst I was away?”

“A little mischief here and there, but nothing to concern yourself with.” replied Caroline with a sly smirk and returned to her tea. “Just a little mischief that we have come accustomed to…”

“Well I suppose boys will be boys.”

“Indeed.” she agreed.

“And what of Ivy? How goes her socializing?”

This time Caroline did not reply as excitedly, but rather cautiously, hiding behind the teacup she held in front of her lips. “I am afraid I must reveal to you, that she has been spending more and more time in the capitol after you left.”

“And?”

“She has done well, I suppose.” she said deep within her thoughts. “She has made friends and acquaintances of plenty.”

Thomas sighed slightly as he listened cautiously, fearing such a change would not suite well for his daughter’s erratic behavior. “Couldn’t she have found friends in the country?”

Thomas’ despise for the London aristocracy and social circles were not close guarded secrets and he openly condemned his daughter for showing interest in the parties and gatherings in the capitol. Unfortunately his opinion was rather undermined by his hard willed wife and daughter, who were made of strong will and ingenuity that he feared, on more than one occasion, would be the end of him.

“The young do not visit the country anymore, my love. It is all about balls and parties and dinners…” replied Caroline, siding with her daughter and her interests in the same social circles she herself had once been a part of. “But she has gained popularity. In fact, we are expecting suitors to arrive not long from now.”

“Suitors?!” Thomas exclaimed with shock, realizing that indeed his youngest daughter had reached the age were the prospects of marriage are at hand.

“Afraid so.”

“And might I know any of these potential gentlemen?” he asked, already hating the mere thought of giving his daughter up to these slippery men from London with bad intentions.

“There are a few dashing and agreeable young men from respectable houses. But I’m afraid that Ivy has taken a keen eye to one in particular, who may not be in her reach, poor girl.”

“And who might this man of Ivy’s daydreams be?”

“His Highness Prince Alexander Albert of Battenberg.”

“I beg your pardon?” he spat in shock, startling Caroline who resumed with her afternoon tea. “Isn’t he the grandson of Her Highness Qu-?”

“Indeed he is.” she interjected, knowing how Thomas felt of the royals.

“No,” Thomas shook his head in disdain, “I do not approve of this.”

“Thomas, please…” Caroline groaned subtly at her husband’s early judgement. “He is a promising young man with a fine career in his majesty’s military.”

“Exactly! That will not bode well for a happy marriage. And furthermore, he is a royal!”

“But this is good, Thomas. Think of the implications and prospects if something were to come of this.” she replied with gleaming eyes which never bode well for him.

“I will not allow my daughter to marry into the royal family. They are too… intertwined, too stiff in their ways.”

“Hush. One must not speak in such a way about the royal family.” Caroline replied with a serious warning. “And furthermore, Ivy needs to be placed into a good home and marriage before she is too old.”

“We’ll talk about it at another time.” he dismissed the idea, feeling not at all pleased that the time had come to talk of such things regarding his little girl. “I see your garden has blossomed, it is very beautiful.”

Caroline sighed at her husband’s clear disdain for the subject at hand as he changed the topic of discussion rather quickly. However, she refused to take offense over it, regarding it as his way of warming to the prospect of their daughter leaving their household so soon. She knew Ivy had a special place in his heart, so Caroline assumed he would come to terms with the reality eventually.

Caroline looked around her garden, pleased to see how beautiful it had turned up this summer. “Indeed it is and I am very proud of it.” she replied with a wide smile.

“I suspect the annual flower show will go well and bode prospects.”

“I do hope so. Mr. Hopkins and his new apprentice have done such hard work.”

“He has a new apprentice, does he?” he queried idly, remembering that Anna had indeed mentioned of the group of new workers around the estate. “I do believe I should take a look around the grounds; see what has happened whilst I was gone.”

“Won’t you have tea, dear?” Caroline stopped him as he began to leave.

“Perhaps a little later.”

“Well, don’t venture too far. We are expecting guests and the boys will be returning from their studies within the hour.”

Thomas tilted his head and silently bid his goodbye to his wife, leaving her to enjoy the rest of her tea as he took to walking around his beloved home.

The grounds had turned into a right splendor, showcasing absolute beauty with all the vivid colors and scents the flowers created. Thomas made his complements to the man in charge of such splendor as he accidentally bumped into him on his little stroll. The man seemed pleased and referred him to the young apprentice in his care that apparently had made it all possible.

Thomas continued on enjoying his beloved grounds, marveling at the fact that the last time he had seen Kensington Lisle, everything was under a heavy coat of snow. But now, the leaves of the hedges had turned to a vibrant color and the beautiful buds of the English roses that bloomed there reminded him of summers past.

But something did catch his eye in the midst of this splendor: a young woman appeared, absolutely oblivious of the fact that the master of the house stood only a few feet away.

“May I help you?” Thomas asked as he saw the young woman shearing the hedge near the side of the mansion. Her long braid flung to and fro as she turned around in surprise. “I do not believe we have met before? Who are you and what do you think you are doing to my hedge?”

The young woman turned around, startled by the silent presence of his lordship. “Oh! Pardon me, sir. I did not hear you.” said the young woman, who Thomas regarded as still rather too young to even be called a woman. “I was too concentrated on the task at hand; I didn’t see you standing there. I am Roseanna, Mr. Hopkins’ new apprentice.” said the girl and lowered her shears.

Thomas let out a slightly confused chuckle as he stared at the flustered girl before him, relieved that it was not a vandal he had to contend with. “I beg your pardon for starling you while you were at your task. I was walking around and did not recognize you.” said he and recalled the mentioning of the new apprentice. “Actually, I believe I was just informed of you, but I failed to realize that you were, in fact, of the… um…”

“Female variety?” asked the young girl daringly with a wicked grin.

“Indeed.” replied Thomas. “Do forgive me. It is just slightly unusual that a person of the fairer sex is seen in such a position…”

“It is, I suppose. But I am very grateful nevertheless, sir, and if I may say so, I do believe it was the correct decision.” replied the girl proudly and unabashedly.

Thomas laughed at the young woman’s confidence, clearly agreeing with her opinion by the outcome of his garden. “The outcome has been rather splendid, I should say. You are quite correct in your statement, despite the rather odd and daring change in custom.”

“Thank you, sir.” the girl replied, taking his words as a complement.

But there was still something odd about this arrangement. There was something that bothered Thomas about this young lady before him. She seemed perfectly capable of the tasks she was relied upon, her work spoke for itself. But still, there was something quite odd about her that he could not fathom.

The young lady on the other hand stared silently; curiously entertained by the staring lord that stood before her, inspecting her with his curious eyes. She had not met anyone of such high social rank before, but certainly this moment was a rather odd one, and that did not proceed in her previous expectations of meeting the lord.

Once Thomas realized his faux pas of staring at her more than what was dictated by etiquette, as he tried to understand what it was in this young woman that bothered his mind, Thomas woke up with a slight stutter, apologizing for his daydreaming and bidding for forgiveness for his rudeness. “I hope you do not think me strange and uncivil for my staring.” he begged of her, assuring her that this was not his usual behavior. “But if I may be as blunt as to ask, as I cannot remember seeing you in our fair town before, please tell me, do I know your parents?”

“Oh I doubt it, sir.” she replied and pulled off her gardening gloves, taking a moment to gather herself as the lord seemed set to taking his time with her and their little discussion. “I am from Gloucester, which is where my family is.”

“From Gloucester? That is quite a long way for a young lady as yourself to travel from for an apprenticeship, isn’t it?” asked Thomas thoughtfully. “And your parents approve of you traveling here by yourself?”

“Mother and father were hesitant to let me go at first, I grant you, but my dream was to be an expert in the horticultural practices and, well, my father supports this wish.” she replied gallantly.

“So your father sent you to Oxfordshire?”

The young girl winced uncomfortably, clearly hiding something from this story of hers. “Technically, he thinks I am in Hereford.”

“He does not know you are in Oxfordshire?” he asked stunned. He was not particularly comfortable with this decision of hers. As a father, Thomas felt rather stiff about this prospect, imagining how displeased he would have been if any of his daughters would have deceived him in such a way. “Well, far be it for me to judge your reasoning to travel here instead of Hereford, but do you think it to be wise to deceive your father thusly?”

“It was not a pleasant decision to deceive him in such a way, I do agree,” she said and began to pace as the monumental deceit began to take its toll in the young woman’s mind, “but it was an easy one.” Thomas stared at the little woman before her with a critical eye, trying to understand how and why she would say such things so cavalierly. “My decision to visit Oxfordshire has a purpose much more important than an apprenticeship in Hereford.”

“May I ask this purpose?” asked Thomas, knowing well that it was none of his business to intervene in other people’s goals and reasoning. But yet, this young woman he had met mere minutes ago showed to be rather interesting in the dullness of everyday life, though everyday life had escaped him once he left on with his tour.

The young lady shuddered with shyness at the reason, a slight look of happiness flashing on her face as she thought her answer. “I wanted to see someone.”

“Ah!” the lord chuckled. “A sweetheart, I gather?”

“NO!” replied the young woman with a shriek. “I mean… no, sir. That would not be proper. I am here to meet with someone else.”

“Of course, I beg your pardon.” he apologized as he caught himself asking too many questions of a personal nature, which really did not concern him the slightest. “But if I may ask, how long are you planning on staying in Kensington Lisle? How long will your apprenticeship last?”

“I will stay for as long as Mr. Hopkins will have me stay.” replied the young lady with an air of mystery. “I have finished my business with, um… this person I was to meet with, so staying here depends solely on the kindness of Mr. Hopkins and you, sir.”

“Well considering the wonderful outcome of this beauty,” said the lord and waved his hand around to include the majesty that was his garden, “I am quite sure that both I, her ladyship and Mr. Hopkins would find you to be quite a valuable asset.”

 

*

*

*

 

…say no more about it, old man.” Albert continued on his idle chat in the quiet room as he sat in one of the chairs in Thomas’ study, nursing his delicious brandy, quite oblivious to the fact that Thomas’ ignored him completely as he stood looking down from his window; his gaze steady and focused on the young woman he had just met the previous day whilst working in his garden. “I and Isabella shall be delighted to take Ivy under our wings as we return to London. We shall be her chaperones, make sure she will not fall into any displeasing circles and you will not have to worry for her safety.”

“I am rather worried for yours and the children’s…” replied Thomas with a deep murmur of truth that was masked as a joke.

Albert laughed at his cousin’s jesting, knowing that the youngest lady of the house was indeed known for being a wild child, and had witnessed his fair share of her fury and pranks in the odd twenty years of her life. “She is a handful, that girl, I’ll agree to that.” he joked and waited for his cousin’s reply to his joke that ultimately never came. Albert noticed this odd change in character in the last few minutes, wondering what it was that captivated his cousin so strangely.

Albert rose from his seat and joined Thomas who kept staring outside, still enthralled with what seemed to be a young woman in the garden. “So this is what has you so silent.” said Albert entertained. “A fine young woman, she is.”

It took Thomas a moment to realize his cousin’s words. “I-I-I don’t know what you are implying.” replied Thomas, now understanding how his interest could have been misinterpreted.

“I am not implying anything but that she is very beautiful.” replied Albert and sipped from his glass, soon returning back to his seat followed by the slightly flustered Thomas who sought to rectify the situation.

“Look here, I am married and have no interest in her whatsoever.” Thomas grumbled slightly ashamed of his obvious curiosity towards the girl, which could have been misinterpreted as something quite else.

Albert chuckled as he settled back onto his seat, enjoying the entertaining humiliation of his usually uptight and perfect cousin. “I am happily married as well, my dear Tom, but it isn’t a sin to enjoy a young lady’s beauty from afar. It is completely innocent and I do not judge you one bit.”

“Shut it.” he groaned under his breath uncomfortably, which entertained his cousin to the fullest. “I will not let you make a fool of me, Albert.” he continued and walked out of the room, much to his cousin’s entertainment, and who now hurried to his feet and tried to rectify the teasing he found to be rather humorous.

“Oh come now, Tom. I merely tease.” Albert replied as they made their way down the stairs only to be met with the rest of the family receiving more guests.

“What are you teasing my husband with now, Bertie?” Caroline asked with fun-loving light in her eyes, sharing his enjoyment of teasing her sometimes humorless husband.

Thomas glared over his shoulder towards his cousin, warning him of revealing what had occurred. Albert shook his head and chuckled, dismissing the whole thing as nothing but joking between lads.

Thomas on the other hand was far more interested in his eldest daughter, who had just arrived moments ago. “Hello my darling.” Thomas kissed and hugged his daughter amorously, minding the large bump she carried. “How are you?”

“Ever so tired and exhausted and incapable of the simplest of tasks, it would seem.” replied Lilly dramatically as she caressed the baby in her belly. “But my husband takes good care of me when I cannot.”

“That is good to hear. Just keep my first grandson happy and healthy in there.” he replied and gently caressed the top of her bump, silently ecstatic that in a very short period of time, he would be blessed with the joys of becoming a grandfather for the first time.

“But in the meantime,” she interjected his giddy thoughts, “I need to speak to you about your son, who visited us recently whilst you were gone.”

“Oh?” asked Thomas intrigued.

Lilly took her father’s arm in hand, slowly walking them both to the drawing room where the rest of the family had gathered. “We have received rather dissatisfying news that a certain someone has been attending balls and gatherings behind our backs, and has acted rather improperly in high circles, especially with the daughter of the Marquees of Lansdowne.” Lilly whispered rather impishly, as she revealed her brother’s unbecoming behavior while he was under her care.

Thomas nodded in agreement as he listened to the troubling news of his son’s actions, which could potentially have horrid consequences in this day and age of gossip and publicity. “I shall talk to Henry, sort this all out.”

“It was Nicky, papa.” she corrected him.

Thomas halted immediately; shocked to hear that it was the shy, more austere of the two boys that had acted inappropriately. “Nicholas? Well that is certainly interesting.” he mumbled, but shyly sniggered under the watchful eye of his daughter, feeling rather pleased that his son had finally taken an interest in something else than his books and studying, and had chosen to have fun with others his own age.

Lilly of course, being rather serious herself, glared at his father slightly offended that he found her troubles entertaining. “Don’t worry, my little dove,” he assured her gently, “I shall talk to him and make sure nothing bad will come of this.”

 

*

*

*

 

August 15th,, this was a somber day for Thomas and had been so for nearly twenty years of his long life. It was not a remarkable day, not by the way it looked as he stared at the light peeking from behind the curtains. He groaned in his bed, knowing he should get up and get to his yearly ritual that celebrated the day. To everyone else, it was just as mundane as every other day of the year, but to him, it marked the birth of a very special someone that had made a lasting mark in his life.

Of course time had healed the wounds that were left by the death of his Elizabeth, and no longer did it pain him to think of her and how she had thrusted herself in his life, making such an impressionable cavity in his heart that was not easily fixed after she had ceased to exist.

Thomas made his way around the manor, starting his day just like every other day, by spending the morning with his wife and their children, until they all left to tend to their work and hobbies, leaving Thomas to his own company and plans.

The flowers he had purchased that day were a must, but only on this day. Caroline cared not for fancy bouquets of flowers; she had a whole garden to keep her happy and satisfied. But this random day, this odd occurrence was an indulgent for Thomas. It was something special for him to invest in, knowing how Elizabeth enjoyed and appreciated even the simplest of gifts. It saddened Thomas, thinking how he never indulged her in the same way as he did his family. She was worthy of all the gifts he could have given her, but alas, never got the chance to do so.

Then again, Elizabeth was a stubborn one, Thomas recalled. Her pride would have never allowed for trinkets or luxuries that Thomas considered as gifts from the heart. But again, on this one day, he chose to remember her, to celebrate her life with simplistic beauty of her favorite flower, despite what she may have thought.

As he walked towards the cemetery where she rested, none of the people he greeted on the street suspected anything of the lord as he walked with the bouquet. He was a kind and successful man who led by example, who cared for his fair town and the people that helped shape it to what it is today. Indeed life in Oxfordshire had treated Thomas fairly over the years. It was neither too easy nor was it a burden. The loss he felt so many years ago had shown him the darkness and grief of life in a way he could not imagine, but life had an odd way of showing its heavenly and glorious ways as well.

He had watched his children blossom into beautiful, smart creatures with such potential in the new world he could never have imagined for himself. He had witnessed joy and laughter with them along the way, proving to him that they indeed were the most important treasures in his life that he could never part with. And despite his age, these joys would only multiply as soon he would be given the chance to grow old with more love, once new life was to be expected and blessed in the family.

So it was not heartbreak that he felt as he entered the beautifully idle cemetery on this day, but rather a somber, melancholy feeling. He was sad that the one, who needed love the most, was robbed of the chance to have it. It saddened him, that he did not do more for her, when he could have. Perhaps then, if he had taken more care, been more brave and truthful, this yearly date would have been irrelevant and the somber pain and memories that came along with it would not exist.

But as he entered the cemetery he was far too familiar with, something was amiss this time around. Elizabeth was not particularly known in the town; her existence had been a discreet one and the only people who knew of her had either passed on to meet her in heaven or had moved along with the urbanization that had rapidly occurred in England. Only a handful of people still in Oxfordshire remembered her, and even fewer ever visited her memorial.

But now, as he neared the tapered headstone that had worn over the years, he was surprised to see someone there, caring ever so delicately for the grave the lost soul had been buried in.

“Miss Roseanna?” Thomas was shocked to see the young apprentice kneeling atop the grave of his long forgotten mistress, clearing the ground and headstone from fallen leaves and dirt.

The young woman turned her head, surprised herself to see the master of the house visiting this particular grave and at this particular day. “Lord Hiddleston?”

“Why are you here?” asked Thomas with offence in his voice that he could not control. Seeing as barely even a few friends ever visited the forgotten nanny’s grave, and which was generally ignored by the rest of the townsfolk, he found it discourteous for someone to touch her grave without his consent. “One shouldn’t touch the graves of others, young lady. It is disrespectful.”

Roseanna quickly rose up onto her feet with panic in her heart, as the lord stared upon her with previously unwitnessed anger. “Sir, I was merely fixing the dead flowers.” she explained, showing her hand that held the wilting remains of previously placed flowers he did not recognize.

“Are these flowers yours? I do not recognize them.” asked the lord, looking over the dead calla lilies in her hands.

“They are. I brought them here last week.” replied the girl and curiously gazed down onto the lord’s left hand that held a bouquet of colorful daisies.

Thomas joined her gaze, looking down to his hand. “Daisies.” said he and brought the bouquet up for display. “She liked daisies. Pink and yellow ones were her favorites.”

Roseanna watched as the lord moved passed her and placed the fresh flowers next to the leftover lilies, bringing more color against the headstone that had by now colored away from the somber beauty it once was.

“How do you know what she liked?” asked the girl who stood next to the headstone, oddly curious as to why the master of the estate knew what she had preferred.

Thomas hesitated for a moment at her question, not wishing to reveal the true nature of his and Elizabeth’s relationship. “She mentioned it to me once.” said Thomas, but the question she had asked held more to it than merely the preference of the deceased’s favorite flowers. The girl stared at him expectantly, which Thomas tried to ignore but did so unsuccessfully. “She was the nanny,” he explained, trying his best to sound as convincing after so many years of not speaking of it aloud, “we were friends, sort of. What I mean to say is, is that we got along well…” Roseanna shrugged her head after hearing his explanation, which she found to be rather interesting but did not doubt. “But why are _you_ here?” he asked as the girl remained silent.

The girl paced around slightly and absentmindedly brushed the slight stains from her skirt from where the grass had brushed against her knees, pondering deeply for her own answer. Roseanna cowered slightly, feeling rather puny against the magnitude that was Lord Hiddleston staring at her with his unyielding eyes and scrutiny.

“I just wanted to pay my respects.” she explained shyly.

“You are too young to have known her.” he replied, not agreeing to the explanation she gave him.

Roseanna shrugged and shifted from one foot to the other, baffled and put off at the intimidating questioning the lord inflicted upon her. “But I did, sir! Know her, that is. At least for a while.” Thomas gave her a questioning look, curious as to see what she meant by such a thing, as Elizabeth’s circle of friends had always been rather limiting and did not include any that were of the young girl’s age, as far as he knew.

Roseanna stayed silent, but felt pressured to continue her explanation as the lord stood with expectation. “You see, sir, she was my mother, and I wanted to pay my respects and remember her on her birthday.”

Thomas was utterly and unfathomably in shock and awe, stupefied by the unexpected news that this young creature… was Elizabeth’s long lost baby.

His eyes wide with disbelief, he stared without even a blink; his heart was confused with deciding whether to burst through his chest or jump out of his mouth. He could not fathom, that after all these many years, the little child he once had held in his arms now stood in front of him, grown up into a young and beautiful woman.

How could he have not seen it? Her lips, her eyes, her nose, all inherited from Elizabeth… Could it have been that his memory played tricks on his mind? How could he have forgotten the beauty that once captivated him so?

Thomas took steps back until he found himself leaning his hand against the opposite headstone, shamelessly standing atop a poor soul’s grave. His breath hitched and he panted, his mind trying to remind him to breathe as he looked at her face with tears welling in his eyes.

“Sir, is something the matter?” asked the girl who supposedly knew not of her true heritage, suddenly quite alarmed by the lord’s drastic shock.

“Elizabeth Baker wa-was your…?” he tried to say, but the tears of reality were too strong for him to continue. Roseanna listened carefully, but nodded; reaffirming that indeed Elizabeth was her mother.

Thomas scrambled to gather himself in a gentlemanly manner, quickly reminding himself that though it was _he_ who was her father, she still regarded him as the lord of the estate and her employer. “Forgive me my moment of weakness, it was rather unbecoming of me.” he begged sincerely. “But I was under the impression that your mother is in Gloucester?”

“Well yes.” she said slightly baffled by his strong reaction. “My father remarried when I was a child and ever since then I’ve had a mother who has cared for me.” said she as if it were clear as day. But Thomas still reeled from the shock.

“So y-y-your- your father…” he began, but the overwhelming feeling of his stolen child standing before him still had too profound of a reaction.

“My father? Jacob Baker? Did you know him as well?” she asked but he could not give her the answer she was expecting. “Lord Thomas, you don’t seem well at all. Should I take you back to Kensington Lisle?” The young lady was worried for her employer’s sake, terrified for his health and mind.

“NO! No, no, I-I’ll manage by myself.” Thomas replied with a heavy stutter, unable to catch a single breath as his heart pounded within his chest.

Roseanna questioned him silently, begging for reassurance that he would be fine. “Are you sure, sir? I would feel quite terrible if I were to leave you here in such a state. If something were to happen, I could not forgive myself.”

Thomas shrugged as he finally caught his breath, slowly turning his whole reaction around as he began laughing carelessly like a madman. “Oh my dear young girl,” he said carefree with watery eyes, “I have not felt this fine in ages.”

Now Roseanna was truly confused. She was rather taken aback with his sudden change in mood, but did have the courage to insist otherwise. “Are you sure?” she asked once more, but did not receive anything to indicate otherwise.

Thomas merely smiled wide and happy, “My girl,” he replied with a whisper but stopped suddenly, realizing how happy and warm those words truly felt to him as he heard them leave his mouth, “You have nothing to worry about. I am just so… utterly happy.”

“Sir?” she asked confused.

“…to meet you, dear.” he quickly continued, not ready to reveal the truth behind his words; too afraid to scare her off with the unbelievable and fantastic truth between the love he shared with her mother that created the child before him. “I am just so happy and glad to have finally met _you_.”

Roseanna stared quite confused and perplexed at the bizarrely chipper lord, deeply wondering if he had any sickness of the mind by the way he acted and how his mood changed so rapidly with only the slightest bit of discussion. The girl pondered for a moment, wondering if she should continue on with trying to understand this odd behavior of the older man before her, or if she should rather flee from his presence whilst it was still safe for her to do so.

‘Lord Thomas does not seem like a dangerous man,’ she pondered, settling on the decision that perhaps running away was not the wisest of plans.

Thomas could see the clear hesitation on the girls face, but due to the happiness he had just found, he did not care the slightest of what she may have thought of his unusual behavior. Thomas merely laughed at himself; his insides fluttering at the happiness that had surprised him in such an unexpected way.

“Oh do forgive me my eccentric behavior, miss.” said Thomas with his hands clapped together, begging sincerely with a wide and happy grin as she watched hesitantly. “As I said, she was a friend of mine, and I just can’t believe her little baby is all grown up.”

“Did we… ever meet?” asked Roseanna curiously with a raised brow as she noticed the way he spoke of her so familiarly.

“Oh yes.” replied Thomas, slowly taking steps closer to her as he looked at her up and down quite innocently.

Roseanna, in any other situation would most likely have run away from the advancement, but this time, could not do so. Curiosity had her by its nails, keeping her immobile and against the teachings of her elders. “Please, tell me more.” she begged. “How could we have met? I thought my mother worked at the fields, with father.”

Thomas looked at her face, her hands, remarking how much she indeed resembled her mother. “We only met briefly a few times. You were just born then, and I remember holding you in my bare hands…” he said softly with forming tears, recalling the last time he ever saw her, and how he held her, talked to her like she was the long lost light of his life. “I’m sorry…” he apologized, clearly aware of his quite ungentlemanly behavior in such company, but the strange and mixed feelings he had overwhelmed him. “Yes, you’re quite right. She had left our service before her marriage, but it was a much smaller town then. We would bump into each other occasionally.”

Roseanna was not sure what to believe or how to feel after hearing the story Lord Thomas had explained her. She was rather perplexed about the matter, and felt quite uneasy not only with the sudden knowledge that her mother had been a member of his staff, but that she herself was now in a similar position after so many years later.

“I am confused.” said she and turned away with her thoughts of her birth mother. “Father never mentioned that she was employed in your household.”

Thomas slowly followed her as she walked slowly within her thoughts, trying to find sense in the many layers of information and secrets never revealed to her until this day. Thomas looked at her cautiously, fearing he may have revealed too much too soon, and frightened her off.

“What is it that he told you, your father?” he asked, curious to know what it was that the young Mr. Baker had revealed to her over the years. It truly intrigued him to know, how his old rival had cared for the child. Despite the jealousy and hate he secretly held for the man, he did have to agree that Jacob had indeed been true to his word. Elizabeth’s daughter was safe and in good health, with every indication that she had grown up well within a loving home.

“Father rarely talks of my mother.” revealed Roseanna quite nonchalantly after a moment of thinking. “He does not hide the knowledge that Elizabeth was my mother and that I am her only child, but… her place has been filled.”

“You mean she has been replaced?” Thomas asked slightly outraged, hurt that his old rival could move on so quickly after the death of their shared beloved.

“Mary, my mother… she is a good mother.” replied Roseanna defensively, hearing the evident disdain in her master’s tone. “She is the only mother I have and I would not replace her with anyone.”

“I meant no disrespect.” said Thomas, which silenced Roseanna.

Thomas stared slightly ashamed at how his selfish and careless words had affected the young woman. Roseanna walked a few feet on the gravel coated path that led through the cemetery, shortly arriving to one of the benches there were she sat down to think for a moment.

“If Elizabeth had no place in your life as you have indicated,” Thomas said as he followed her to the bench, sitting down beside her, “why would you lie to your father and come here?”

Roseanna thought long and hard for the right answer, but found that she did not have one to properly explain herself; merely lots of feelings and half thought ideas that would not lead to anything. “I suppose I just needed to know more.” she replied, not knowing how to answer him properly. “You have already told me more in the past quarter hour than my father has in my whole lifetime. I am just confused and overwhelmed…”

Thomas pondered the implications of this. He had not wished for his daughter to grow without his Elizabeth, her mother, yet he was rather taken by surprise that Jacob had not made the effort to teach her of where she came from or who her mother was. He felt sorry for the confusion within his daughter’s soul. She said she felt this Mary-person was her true mother, yet her curiosity compelled her to lie to the very man she thought to be her loving father, in order to visit her real mother’s grave.

“Your father loved Elizabeth very much.” Thomas said as he remembered the years in his past; the hurt and betrayal he felt when he found out that Jacob had gained the favor of his Elizabeth. But Thomas knew that the young woman besides him needed confirmation; needed to know that his father had truly loved her mother. “In fact, he adored her. You should not think badly of your father for not schooling you about your birth mother. Her passing weighed heavy on his shoulders.”

“You are mistaken, sir. I do not think badly of my father.” she replied immediately. “I am sure he had his reasons to hide information of her from me.”

“I am sure he did.” replied Thomas with a silent beg for forgiveness for his presumption of her father, agreeing wholeheartedly of the decision to not reveal any of the secrets surrounding Elizabeth. “He is a good man, Jacob Baker. A decent, good human with a good mind and strong will to succeed.”

“He is.” replied Roseanna with agreement, but stared at the lord next to her with curious intrigue to what it was that he hid from her quite so clearly. “I am glad to call him my father. He taught me everything I know today.”

Thomas chuckled to himself, wondering if this was true, or if his and her mother’s tendencies had been passed down onto her. “Is that were your skills with flowers comes from?” he asked, knowing it must have been Jacobs influence since neither he nor Elizabeth had any skills in this area.

“I would wager it is.” she replied with laughter and began to retell him of tales of her younger years with her father, as he taught her the valuable tricks and knowledge of his trade.

Thomas listened with open ears and a happy heart as he listened to his daughter speak so affectionately of her learning and the skills she had acquired, revealing how it was that she ended up choosing this profession out of the many others that would have been expected of a girl like her. He listened deeply and without so much of a break for breath, reveling in her happy glow for what felt like hours, peacefully receiving the blessing to know more of his long lost daughter.

 

*

*

*

 

“You keep staring at her… again. You’ve done so for a week now, Tom. What is it with you?” Albert groggily moaned as he joined Thomas in his study after his breakfast, only to see the older man standing by his window yet again, staring at the young girl that tended to the lord’s blooming garden.

For all his years, Albert had never witnessed such obsession by the hand of his cousin, not since Thomas courted his wife or when his children had been born. Yet here Thomas remained transfixed, stilled with intrigue for the girl, just as if a moth were lured to the flame.

“I am rather drawn to that young lady.” Thomas mumbled deep in thought as he worried his lip with his finger.

“Have you fallen in love?” Albert laughed and teased as he joined his cousin. “That is so unlike you, cousin.”

But it was true. Thomas had gained the reputation of a loving, honest husband for many a year, receiving the upmost respect from his peers and friends who could not live to the same standards.

Some called him a bore for being plain and unadventurous in his relationships, some thought him to be hopelessly in love with the lady of the house, and some thought him to be the right opposite; a cold and unloving man who was scared to show affection. Perhaps these were all true to a certain extent.

Thomas had sworn years ago, after the death of his beloved Elizabeth, that he would never touch another woman besides his wife. The pain and heartache that accompanied his own shamed soul made sure that he would never risk his marriage or his family, but it was the hopelessness at the hands of death and the loss of a daughter he could never call his own, was what stilled a part of his heart; his heart, that until a week ago, thought it could never be revived to what it once was.

But here he stood, gazing upon the fair beauty of his rose that had been unjustly taken from him. He dared not to speak to her since they last parted. She had greeted him in passing, but he stilled with awe each time she did so, barely functioning to even reply with a greeting himself.

But she did not mind. She thought him to be peculiar, proven by the behavior in which he acted upon a week ago in the cemetery, but this did not deter her from the friendliness she showed for her employer.

Thomas on the other hand found her to be fascinating and full of joy as she developed her skill and knowledge in his garden. But he feared her as well. He feared of what she had awoken in him.

For years he had thought of the small child taken from him, raised as someone else’s. He often pondered who she was, what she was like and what did she enjoy and hate. He wanted to know of her, wanted to have her in his life. But now that the opportunity had arisen, that he thought God himself had presented to him, he was terrified of her. He could not tell her of her true heritage; he could not traumatize her or his family in such a way. But still, he longed to talk to her, longed to know of what her childhood was like, of what she liked and what she wanted.

“You are right, Bertie. I am in love.” Thomas replied after a moment of reflection. Truly he was in love; terrified, but hopelessly in love. He was in love with the child he once held in his arms, now grown up to be a fine young woman. He was enamored with the child he saw before him that resembled so much of her mother it twisted his insides into knots. It was love only a father could have for their child.


End file.
